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Thread: Can't let go of my husband's past and thinking of breaking up. Am I crazy?

  1. #1
    Lavatera

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    Can't let go of my husband's past and thinking of breaking up. Am I crazy?

    Hello,
    I married my husband 1.5 years ago.
    I have two sons from my previous marriage. Both sons have good relationship with my new husband.
    I was married for 12 years before. Divorced due to my ex-husband infidelity.

    This marriage works well. My husband loves me and I love him but...I can't let go of my husband's past.
    He was married for 16 years.
    I recently learned that he cheated on his ex-wife for 5 years, with two prostitutes (used just 2 of them). He says that was due to severe lack of sex at home.

    He says I am a different story etc etc etc.
    I don't know why but...I am hurt.
    The thoughts of his past behavior drive me crazy.
    I am at the point where I think we should split up.
    But I love him and he is so good to me.

    Can someone share their thoughts on my situation?

  2. #2
    DancingFool
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    How did you find out about this?

  3. #3
    happyfrank
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    You can't compare him to the ex. It's not fair to him. Husband is being honest with you about his past. It was wrong what he did but that's still in the past.

    good luck.

  4. #4
    DancingFool
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    Quote Originally Posted by happyfrank [Register to see the link]
    You can't compare him to the ex. It's not fair to him. Husband is being honest with you about his past. It was wrong what he did but that's still in the past.

    good luck.
    I don't know. I don't think it's as simple as baggage from the ex. I'd be pretty disturbed myself if I found out that the person I'm with or married to will turn to prostitutes when things get rough. That's kind of a whole other ball game type situation. It's hard to tell what you'd actually do when confronted with that situation, but sitting where I am right now, I'd probably be thinking the same - divorce.

  5. #5
    Lavatera

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    Quote Originally Posted by DancingFool [Register to see the link]
    How did you find out about this?
    From him.
    I asked him if he was ever unfaithful to his ex and he said yes. Then I asked for details and learned that.
    He says that our story is different.
    That his ex denied him and didn't want to listen when he told he about his dissatisfaction with lack of sex.
    And that they had not emotional or any other bonds (except for their shared business) and that he didn't have any emotional barriers for that.
    And that now it's different etc etc etc.

    Their marriage ended by him simply walking out of everything going nowhere.

    We met 6 months after that.

    But I am so obsessed with these thoughts now.

    On the other hand, I have two kids. Who just went through the divorce.
    Now we have a family and I am not even sure how I will explain the situation to the kids and how they will handle it (they are two boys, aged 11 and 14).

  6. #6
    Lavatera

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    Quote Originally Posted by happyfrank [Register to see the link]
    You can't compare him to the ex. It's not fair to him. Husband is being honest with you about his past. It was wrong what he did but that's still in the past.

    good luck.
    I agree. But my husband says he did nothing wrong because he was very offended by his ex-wife and she constantly rejected him as a partner.
    And he needed sex.

    I just really don't know.
    I am 45.
    I really don't want any more relationships if I break this one up.

    I can't my kids to see any boyfriends/husbands and I think it will be time for celibacy.

    But the thought also scares me.

  7. #7
    happyfrank
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    Quote Originally Posted by DancingFool [Register to see the link]
    I don't know. I don't think it's as simple as baggage from the ex. I'd be pretty disturbed myself if I found out that the person I'm with or married to will turn to prostitutes when things get rough. That's kind of a whole other ball game type situation. It's hard to tell what you'd actually do when confronted with that situation, but sitting where I am right now, I'd probably be thinking the same - divorce.
    When times get tough. You either work on relationship or you don't. This relationship is new and he wasn't ready for a relationship after 6 months.

    Since neither of them did anything wrong within the relationship. This would be irreconcilable differences divorce.

    Next time OP. Really get to know somebody if you plan on getting married again.

    Good luck.

  8. #8
    Unreasonable
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    I asked him if he was ever unfaithful to his ex and he said yes.
    If past infidelity was a dealbreaker, you should have asked this question BEFORE you got married.

    This is a different relationship, and you are a different couple.

    Did he do a bad thing? Yes. Will he do it again? Who knows? Maybe he learned a lesson from it. Now, me, personally, if I was so desperate for sex that I was going to stray, and no amount of communicating that would help, I'd probably leave before cheating. Some people don't take that path, and I wouldn't judge them too harshly for it. Have you ever been in a situation where your partner was witholding sex for a long time? I haven't, but I can imagine it ain't a picnic. The prostitute thing adds an "ick" factor, but infidelitiy is infidelity as far as I'm concerned.

    But, unless you plan on divorcing him, I'd find some way to get over this (and leave your kids out of it). You don't want him to learn the lesson that you can't handle the truth. See a counselor.

  9. #9
    LaHermes
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    Not quite sure of meaning here, Lavatera.

    "I can't my kids to see any boyfriends/husbands and I think it will be time for celibacy.

    But the thought also scares me."


    Your kids are already seeing a husband, your present one.

    A hard decision ahead, Lavatera. But no need to catastrophise about having to become celibate. Perhaps the thought of being alone again is scary. Sure. But if you are unable to deal with your husband's recent revelations then what road is open to you?

  10. #10
    Lavatera

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    Quote Originally Posted by happyfrank [Register to see the link]
    This relationship is new and he wasn't ready for a relationship after 6 months.
    Good luck.
    Thanks.
    Why you think he wasn't ready?

    Not to be on a defensive side but the guy treats me really well. I have nothing bad to say about him. He cares about me, my children, our home, etc.
    It's just what he did in the past is beyond me. And I can't get over it. It is so against my values.

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