Boyfriend checking out of relationship?!

My boyfriend of over a year said that he feels like he's starting to check out of the relationship because my jealousy issues have been frustrating to deal with and it makes him question whether or not we are compatible. I calmly thanked him for telling me how he felt and mentioned that I was dealing with resolving those issues. I asked him plainly if he wanted to breakup and he said no. I asked him if he's checked out and he said that he isn't sure right now. That it isn't a yes or no right now. I also asked him if he felt like what we have is worth fighting for and he said yes. He also said that he loves me. The progression of the relationship has just made him feel like he needs to think about these things. I offered to give him space by staying at my sisters for a while and I asked if that would help and he said no. This conversation took place last weekend but I've brought it up everyday this week and he wants to give the topic a break. He did ask me if I wanted to breakup with him and I said no. We spend most of our free time together. The last two nights he's stayed out much later than usual and I asked if he wanted to do something tonight and he said maybe after his happy hour plans with his job. Last night he came in late and I was still in my work clothes, so he asked me if everything was ok and then asked why I was still dressed. Is there anything that I can do to make things better/turn them around or is it safe to say he's gone. I really am getting help for my issues and I really want us to work out, but this emotional limbo is torture. I was planning on telling him "while I respect whatever you decide, I'd really like the opportunity to show you that things can be better". Is this a bad idea?

I mean it's pretty obvious. He likes you and not the jealousy, so he's just seeing if you two can function as a couple without it. Simple answer is to internalize and cope with your jealousy issues, or see a therapist if you're unable to handle them yourself, and meanwhile have fun in your relationship as you're meant to.

This conversation took place last weekend but I've brought it up everyday this week and he wants to give the topic a break.

You need to drop this and really let the dude have some space. In fact, I'd probably look into giving him a couple weeks of no contact just so he can clear his head.

 

Maybe he will break up with you, maybe he won't. But if you keep it up like this it definitely will be over. If the "emotional limbo" is torture, you should probably end it. Cause having somebody that is constantly in "Do you want to break up with me? Do you want to break up with me?" mode is pretty torturous too.

I mean it's pretty obvious. He likes you and not the jealousy, so he's just seeing if you two can function as a couple without it. Simple answer is to internalize and cope with your jealousy issues, or see a therapist if you're unable to handle them yourself, and meanwhile have fun in your relationship as you're meant to.

 

He also said that he hasn't felt like he's into the relationship lately just that he's present? Do you think telling him " I respect whatever you decide, I would like the opportunity to show you that things can get better" is too much?

He also said that he hasn't felt like he's into the relationship lately just that he's present? Do you think telling him " I respect whatever you decide, I would like the opportunity to show you that things can get better" is too much?

No. Stop talking. Start doing. He wants you to put your jealousy in check and right now you're substituting one drama for another. He's likely not convinced simply taking a week off is going to fix it, so he's trying to carry on and see if you can make a change for yourself. Now if you feel like you can't address your jealousy issues without taking some space, then let him know you love him and that you're going to head to your sisters for a week and try to sort out a plan to tackle your jealousy. You don't have to ask permission.

He also said that he hasn't felt like he's into the relationship lately just that he's present? Do you think telling him " I respect whatever you decide, I would like the opportunity to show you that things can get better" is too much?

 

Do you really need to say that, though? He's told you he doesn't want to break up right now, so he essentially already is giving you the opportunity to show him things can get better.

 

Stop talking about it so much and get busy showing him you are improving.

 

What sorts of things trigger your jealousy, and how had you been reacting? What changes do you plan to make now?

You need to drop this and really let the dude have some space. In fact, I'd probably look into giving him a couple weeks of no contact just so he can clear his head.

 

Maybe he will break up with you, maybe he won't. But if you keep it up like this it definitely will be over. If the "emotional limbo" is torture, you should probably end it. Cause having somebody that is constantly in "Do you want to break up with me? Do you want to break up with me?" mode is pretty torturous too.

 

I asked if giving him space would help and he said no? That's why I've backed off the topic for the past two days. It just sucks to know that the person that you love is unsure of you. I may try no contact if he doesn't gain any clarity from not discussing the topic.

OP, it may be useful if you could give a couple examples of this jealous behavior that he's complaining about.

 

To answer your last question first; I don't think saying that would be a bad thing. If that is your position there is nothing wrong with stating it. However, showing is far more powerful than telling.

 

My guess from what you've described is that the jealousy is only part of the equation; he just feels smothered in general. You mention that you spend most of your free time together, which is enough to eventually make anyone feel suffocated.

 

He's signalled some fairly obvious cues that he is considering defecting. That's scary, and your every instinct now is going to be to fight for this and to try to draw him back in. However, you are better off giving him space. Stop making him the center of your world all the time. I know you offered him some space and said you'd stay with your sister but, honestly, no semi-decent human being is going to say "Yes, get out of the house for a few days and go stay with your sister so I can breathe a little." You have to just take it upon yourself to back off quite a bit. Go do things with friends, go do your hobbies, etc. And yes, drop the topic for right now. I don't know whether he has rounded a corner that he won't come back from. That's possible, and if that's the case I'm sorry. But what I do know is that you aren't going to talk him back into wanting the relationship. Give him some space, give YOURSELF some space, and see if he comes back around.

Do you really need to say that, though? He's told you he doesn't want to break up right now, so he essentially already is giving you the opportunity to show him things can get better.

 

Stop talking about it so much and get busy showing him you are improving.

 

What sorts of things trigger your jealousy, and how had you been reacting? What changes do you plan to make now?

 

His friendships with women. I'll want to know the what, when, where and why but not in an aggressive way. Or I'll feel like I should meet them. He feels like this is suffocating and even said that maybe someone else wouldn't see that behavior as a problem. I asked him how he'd feel if we broke up and he said he didn't know. I've started therapy and I've backed off of asking him a bunch of questions when he goes out.

Actions speak louder than words. Getting counseling and dealing with jealousy issues would help savage relationship.

 

Good luck.

No. Stop talking. Start doing. He wants you to put your jealousy in check and right now you're substituting one drama for another. He's likely not convinced simply taking a week off is going to fix it, so he's trying to carry on and see if you can make a change for yourself. Now if you feel like you can't address your jealousy issues without taking some space, then let him know you love him and that you're going to head to your sisters for a week and try to sort out a plan to tackle your jealousy. You don't have to ask permission.

 

Ok I'll do that. I did ask him how he'd feel if we broke up and he said he didn't know....is that a bad sign?

What Krankor said. My daughter was going through a similar thing and unfortunately drove the guy away by constant, daily "talks" about the relationship. I know it seems counterintuitive to back away from somebody who seems to be drifting away, but sometimes it's the best way. You WILL smother him if you keep this up.

Listen to the guys here. Drop the topic and give him and yourself space. Like seriously, you are substituting one compulsion, jealousy, for another, are we breaking up, are we breaking up. What you have to DO at this point is stop talking and show with your actions that you can give him space and breathing room and that you can control your compulsions. Which means you need to go out with your friends, stop asking him to hang out, leave him to enjoy his own friends, happy hour, whatever without having to worry about coming home on time to be with you. Absolutely drop the break up topic because you need to show him in your actions that you can give space and that's not something you need to discuss, it's something you simply do. You literally need to go back to being the girl he first fell for - fun, with her own life and interests, etc.

OP, it may be useful if you could give a couple examples of this jealous behavior that he's complaining about.

 

To answer your last question first; I don't think saying that would be a bad thing. If that is your position there is nothing wrong with stating it. However, showing is far more powerful than telling.

 

My guess from what you've described is that the jealousy is only part of the equation; he just feels smothered in general. You mention that you spend most of your free time together, which is enough to eventually make anyone feel suffocated.

 

He's signalled some fairly obvious cues that he is considering defecting. That's scary, and your every instinct now is going to be to fight for this and to try to draw him back in. However, you are better off giving him space. Stop making him the center of your world all the time. I know you offered him some space and said you'd stay with your sister but, honestly, no semi-decent human being is going to say "Yes, get out of the house for a few days and go stay with your sister so I can breathe a little." You have to just take it upon yourself to back off quite a bit. Go do things with friends, go do your hobbies, etc. And yes, drop the topic for right now. I don't know whether he has rounded a corner that he won't come back from. That's possible, and if that's the case I'm sorry. But what I do know is that you aren't going to talk him back into wanting the relationship. Give him some space, give YOURSELF some space, and see if he comes back around.

 

For example if he says I'm going to lunch with a friend. I'll have a dozed follow up questions about it. Or if he's texting a female friend past a certain hour I'll bring it up as a concern. Should I stay at my sisters? Or is there another way to give space without leaving completely?

Ok I'll do that. I did ask him how he'd feel if we broke up and he said he didn't know....is that a bad sign?

 

Well, it's not entirely positive. He's being honest, which is why he warned you where this could go if you don't stop with the jealousy. He really doesn't know how he'd feel if you two broke up. But he's still there, meaning there is still a chance to turn this around.

 

My ex drove me insane with the constant questioning about my male friends, of which I really only have a few and certainly they are nothing more than friends. But it was the feeling of not being trusted and instead subjected to an invasive line of questioning that wore me down. I similarly warned him it needed to stop. Unfortunately, he didn't take me seriously.

 

You also need to get busy with your own life, it seems. What are you hobbies and interests? How often do you see your friends?

What Krankor said. My daughter was going through a similar thing and unfortunately drove the guy away by constant, daily "talks" about the relationship. I know it seems counterintuitive to back away from somebody who seems to be drifting away, but sometimes it's the best way. You WILL smother him if you keep this up.

 

How do I back away without leaving completely?

For example if he says I'm going to lunch with a friend. I'll have a dozed follow up questions about it. Or if he's texting a female friend past a certain hour I'll bring it up as a concern. Should I stay at my sisters? Or is there another way to give space without leaving completely?

 

OP, your anxiety is leaping through the screen, sweetie.

 

No, you don't need to stay at your sister's. Why would you? He told you he didn't want you gone. Unless you want some time to yourself, there is no reason to leave.

 

We have already told you how to give him space: stop with all the talks about the relationship. Get busy doing your own thing. Don't freak and barrage him with questions when he sees a friend or get a message. In short - relax.

You need to drop this and really let the dude have some space. In fact, I'd probably look into giving him a couple weeks of no contact just so he can clear his head.

 

Maybe he will break up with you, maybe he won't. But if you keep it up like this it definitely will be over. If the "emotional limbo" is torture, you should probably end it. Cause having somebody that is constantly in "Do you want to break up with me? Do you want to break up with me?" mode is pretty torturous too.

 

He said he doesn't want to break up but he's unsure if he wants to continue the relationship?

He said he doesn't want to break up but he's unsure if he wants to continue the relationship?

Okay, so do you think talking about it every day is going to help? I can assure you it won't. Insecurity is extremely unattractive. I do think at least a few days of no contact, just so he can take a dang breath (as was said, don't ask for permission, just do it) would be beneficial, but, if you won't do that, continue on but STOP TALKING about this, and, for sure, do not exhibit ANY of your jealous and insecure behavior. I really hope you can do that, but that's something YOU need to do. It really has less to do with him and more to do with you at this point. Can you do it? This is a bit tragic, but I feel like I'm talking to my own daughter here, and she just couldn't grasp it, no matter what I said, until it was too late. One thing's for sure: continuing what you are doing isn't going to work.

He said he doesn't want to break up but he's unsure if he wants to continue the relationship?

 

Exactly. He doesn't know at this time if the jealousy issues will improve. So while he doesn't want to break up right now, he will if it doesn't get better.

Okay, so do you think talking about it every day is going to help? I can assure you it won't. Insecurity is extremely unattractive. I do think at least a few days of no contact, just so he can take a dang breath (as was said, don't ask for permission, just do it) would be beneficial, but, if you won't do that, continue on but STOP TALKING about this, and, for sure, do not exhibit ANY of your jealous and insecure behavior. I really hope you can do that, but that's something YOU need to do. It really has less to do with him and more to do with you at this point. Can you do it? This is a bit tragic, but I feel like I'm talking to my own daughter here, and she just couldn't grasp it, no matter what I said, until it was too late. One thing's for sure: continuing what you are doing isn't going to work.

 

I can try. Just knowing he's unsure makes me more insecure though. Should I back off of intimacy too?

I can try. Just knowing he's unsure makes me more insecure though. Should I back off of intimacy too?

Is he complaining about too much sex too? If not, that's a big fat NO!

Is he complaining about too much sex too? If not, that's a big fat NO!

 

He's not but would continuing to be intimate with someone who is unsure about me hurt me in the long run?

He said he doesn't want to break up but he's unsure if he wants to continue the relationship?

 

...He is giving you a chance to show him that you can get a grip on your anxieties and compulsiveness and not keep acting out like you have been doing. Unfortunately, you are right now, proving the opposite. Breathe and get a grip. He tells you he is going out with friends, your response is "great, have fun babe" and then YOU go out with your own friends and you do not text him, check on him, or ask him a million questions once you are both back. He is texting with a friend, you calmly flip on the tv to your favorite show and chill out and leave him be. SHOW him you can get a grip.

 

Walking out, staying with your sister shows him nothing. Giving space means you have your own life and remove your fixation off him and to other things. Go out with your friends, go join meetup.com and go hiking with a group or go play tennis, or whatever. Get a life outside of your fixation on what he is doing at all times.

For example if he says I'm going to lunch with a friend. I'll have a dozed follow up questions about it. Or if he's texting a female friend past a certain hour I'll bring it up as a concern. Should I stay at my sisters? Or is there another way to give space without leaving completely?

OK, I want to talk about jealousy for a minute here. Jealousy is neither inherently good or bad. It's just a mechanism that you and every other human being evolved in order to detect possible threats to our relationships. Example: you are at a party. Your boyfriend has been drinking and is somewhat obviously flirting with a female who is flirting right back. Telling you not to feel jealous in that case would be like telling you not to feel pain when you stub your toe.

 

So, it's just a natural instinct that we evolved, and you probably have a slightly lower threshold for jealousy than most. This is likely just part of your genetic wiring and isn't likely to change. So you just need to be a bit more vigilant about managing it so that you don't drive your boyfriend or any future boyfriends away by pelting him with 20 questions when he leaves the house to have lunch.

 

No, I don't think it's at all necessary to go stay with your sister. You CAN certainly if you think it would help, but I think it would come off as overly dramatic. Like I said, just stop centering your existence around him. He wants to stop for happy hour without feeling like you are at home, tapping your foot, checking your watch (or phone) and staring at the door, waiting for him to come home. Nobody wants to feel as if they are solely responsible for someone's happiness or entertainment. Practice just doing your own thing when he's out and often when he isn't. It really doesn't matter what that "thing" is. Just develop a life outside of the relationship.