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Have I ruined all chances of saving marriage?


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My husband and I dated in high school briefly and then we lost touch. I never forgot him and he says he never forgot me, meaning we thought about each other over the years.

 

16 years later we reunited on Facebook. He was in Navy overseas. We connected instantly and he asked me to marry him. He wanted me for all of my flaws (I laid out all my baggage for him) and he also accepted my two kids. He flew me overseas twice and came to the states twice to meet my family and children. We married. I had to wait for him to come home but he did and we all moved together in a nice home. Instantly there were problems. I had been stressing him out on his deployment and at his duty station overseas for so long. We talked on the phone everyday but my inability to control my anxiety and have patience for him to come home and my INSECURITIES and just the stress I put on him was a lot. By the time he came back to the states I kept up my little girl games and he had enough. He went to his moms and he almost broke it off. We recovered - moved into our new home and then the issues with everything else started. I of course didn't get a job when we moved down to our new duty station which completely isolated me from all adult contact and having a social life. I wasn't contributing financially (although he did say before that I wouldn't have to work and I could stay home with the kids) but when the time came he expected me to get a job and said things of changed and that I'm going to have to help out financially. I tried really hard to find a job but I just had no luck in the more time went on that I didn't work the more I clung to him & depended on him for all of my emotional needs. Depression and anxiety of mine got really bad and we fight a lot. He started withdrawing months later and on my birthday weekend he completely snapped at me and told me to leave and so I did and I didn't come back for a few weeks. He told me that he was sorry by text and that I should come home but I was so angry at that point and so hormonal. I didn't know I was pregnant but when I finally found out he said that he would try counseling which she had refused for months and months and months before. At this point I was completely angry all the time for him withdrawing and him telling me to leave the house and I just played victim a lot as well and my hormones were making me act completely irrational.

 

I didn't seem to understand the more he didn't text back the more I shouldn't have yelled and screamed and pressured. He wasn't getting the space he needed and I completely suffocated him in my anger just got worse and worse and I kept getting angrier that I never got a formal apology for being told to leave the house and I was angry that I was pregnant and having to go through this. We made it to one counseling session but the next week when it was time to go we had had another fight and I stupidly hinted at "maybe we really should get a divorce" (which I didn't mean but I'm immature and said it to see what he would say) and he decided that was it for him. He told me he's not going to change his mind and there's nothing that I can say to change his mind and that he is very certain that we will never make each other happy and that we are unhealthy people and even unhealthier together.

 

I begged him pleaded and it didn't work. He told me he wouldn't change his mind this time because every time he does it hurts me more. He even said that I should get an abortion which I eventually ended up doing and that hurt both of us because we both really didn't want that to happen and he has always wanted a child of his own. I think it still bothers him weeks later... Now it's been a few weeks since then and he shut down even more and while he was first open to being friends and he would still do things to show me he cares (helping me carry in groceries, making me dinner) now he won't even talk to me really. I still was acting angry because he wasn't giving me what I wanted which was to get back together and I kept up the begging & the texting keeping constant contact and I would flip-flop back-and-forth to whether I could be friends with him or not. I couldn't accept that he just wanted to be friends. It made me upset that he could just shut off his feelings. I very much handled this whole thing completely wrong and I'm afraid it's too late now and he has told me that it is. Right now I'm still living at the house although I have been up north with my family on a sort of mini vacation to give us both space. I made another mistake by asking him if there was someone else while I've been away. He says every time I contact him I aggravate him and he just doesn't want to talk to anyone and to please leave him alone. He said no matter what I say he is done and tired of disappointing me and failing and tired of the drama and it's just not worth fighting for anymore. I don't want to move out of the house because I feel like then I'll never have a chance to save my marriage. Is it too late and did I messit up too bad????

 

I want to use the time at the house to finally ge a job and work on myself. I want to fix myself and save my marriage too. But I feel like I messed everything up and I don't know if I should believe him when he says that that is it for good.

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I'm not going to assign blame here, but yes, it looks like it is indeed over. Give him all the space in the world. The only chance you have to get back together is if, upon reflection, he misses you. But don't hold your breath and be prepared to move on with your life. I think, based on everything I've seen here, is that you aren't good for each other and that a divorce may be for the best.

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I'm not going to assign blame here, but yes, it looks like it is indeed over. Give him all the space in the world. The only chance you have to get back together is if, upon reflection, he misses you. But don't hold your breath and be prepared to move on with your life. I think, based on everything I've seen here, is that you aren't good for each other and that a divorce may be for the best.

 

 

I think the reason we weren't good together was my inability to act irrectly in a relationship. I didn't mention all the good times. Just the problems. I truly think we are good together and we just didn't understand the basics of having a good relationship. He is my best friend. Truly.

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I am in counseling twice a week now and committed to being a healthier person and doing whatever I can do get my husband back. I know a i part of that is fixing me and focusing on me. I just don't know if I should give up and throw in the towel. I really think we are soulmates.

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So you married and moved your kids for some guy you had hung out with four times. You were a drain on him emotionally and a ball of insecurity. What is happening to your kids? They just got moved. They are watching their mother have an emotional break down. What do they need? How can you make their lives more stable?

 

I would say you need to focus on yourself but it seems like you got to this point by focusing on what you wanted with very little connection to the reality of the situation. You had an on-line romance and ripped a part your children's lives for a guy you don't really know. I think you need to let go of making this "relationship" work, and figure out how to start making your life work. So you are emotionally stable and available for your children.

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So you married and moved your kids for some guy you had hung out with four times. You were a drain on him emotionally and a ball of insecurity. What is happening to your kids? They just got moved. They are watching their mother have an emotional break down. What do they need? How can you make their lives more stable?

 

I would say you need to focus on yourself but it seems like you got to this point by focusing on what you wanted with very little connection to the reality of the situation. You had an on-line romance and ripped a part your children's lives for a guy you don't really know. I think you need to let go of making this "relationship" work, and figure out how to start making your life work. So you are emotionally stable and available for your children.

 

Thanks for that, but I actually did nit rip apart my children's lives. I moved closer to family. They like their new schools on top of that. They still see their father the same amount of time. 👍🏻

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