My mother seems to have given up on me I'm not even sure why...

I'm a 15yr old girl with a mother that no longer loves or cares for me and my sister. Here's what happened: just this week my mother has just blown up at my sister and me claiming that "she is dead in our eyes" and I'm not even sure why she has said that. Last saturday my mom and her husband (stepdad) came to pick us up at the airport from staying over at my cousins. I came into the car and said "hi" to my stepdad but got no response even though I'm sure he heard it loud and clear and so did my mother. And then the next day, Sunday, my mother asked what happened when we stayed over at our cousins, I wasn't awake but my sister was there telling my mom about the incident involving my cousins and my real dad. All of the sudden she blows up and starts yelling how my real dad is at fault for the situation and claiming that we defended him when in fact my sister said nothing about defending him at all. I feel as if she still holds a grudge with him even though it's been years. later she starts claiming how we are so disrespectful and that we are so fake... not the first time she's done this though. I'm not even sure how we could've been fake or disrespectful in the first place. Okay yeah maybe I do but she claims we always have this "attitude" and that we don't like to talk when in fact we just have nothing to say to them and don't feel like talking. Is that wrong of us? She then goes on (as always) and tells our step father about this. And lemme tell you I despise him so much. He's racist and ignorant and makes fun of my family culture and our language (we are southeast asians) honestly I've been made fun of my whole life being called horrible names and he just continues doing this. Once I spoke to my mom in our language and he yells "SPEAK ENGLISH THIS IS FXXCKING AMERICA" and you know what my mom does? Just yells at me for speaking. Anyways back to the actual problem. He calls my sister and I for a "talk" when in actuality he was yelling at us the whole time claiming how he's "better" and "higher" than us and we are just "weak children that don't know shiz" like he claims us as his daughters but really, who would say that to their own kids?? Who degrades their kids like that?? Hell he treats our dog better than he does us. And of course just like my mother does, he goes and tells her what happens. But every time the talk about us they lie about what we say, they put words in our mouths. She still claims how we think of her as nothing and that we don't love her. I woke up to yelling all this week hearing "I WISH THEY WERENT BORN. HELL I WOULDNT HAVE WASTED 9 MONTHS FOR THEM BOTH THEY CAN DIE RN FOR ALL I CARE" which honestly hurt me so much. I love my mother. Beyond belief. I hate her husband. He's rude and- ugh you'd have to know him to understand my hatred. She's changed bc if him. Becoming like him. But sometimes there's those moments, when my mother is alone with just me. With him nowhere near sight, and she's her sled. The mother I know and loved. But she's gone for good now. She threatened to make us buy a plane ticket tomorrow and fly back to where we used to live. Go live with our dad she says since we keep on defending him. Which we never did. We know he's at fault for things. Idek where I'm going with the story at this point. It's too long for anyone to understand. 10 years too long since that divorce. My mother doesn't know a lot about me... bc I hide.. too good at hiding might I say so myself. I cry almost everyday thinking and thinking why things happen like this. What should I have done differently? Is it better if I never existed? Do people actually care? My mom doesn't know these things... sure I tell her I get bullied and what's happens... but she brushes it off. I often think that I'm one of those kids that need help.. bc I have a broken family... I often hide how hurt I am and just never leave my room in general. I don't eat. Maybe like some bread, water, and chocolate for the whole day so I can stop hearing the sound my stomach makes. But she doesn't know. Heck, no one knows. Well not until now. But I'm anonymous. No one knows me personally here. I just want- I just need help. I feel like a bother actually when trying to get help... where has this story even gone... my mother doesn't want us anymore, but I don't want to leave her bc I love her, but I hate the man she married and the ma man I've been living with for 8 years, idek anymore if I'm mentally ill or I'm just want one as an excuse to the reasons why I'm like this, I've never been diagnosed, I'm too scared, I'd feel like a burden, a bother to people, I'm just... tired of everything.... I wish to be gone but I'm to scared to kill myself even though I've always thought of different ways to die even at a young age... I was caught trying to figure out a way to kill myself by my sister... she told my stepfather and he yelled at me (I guess he cared a lil enough) and locked the closet because it contained guns. But that's all he did. Just locked a gun closet. Never tried to help afterwards. Never thought "hey this kid wanted to die I think she needs help" I'm not even sure if I mm depressed... I'd feel rude to call myself depressed when I feel as if I'm mocking someone with an actual illness... where am I off with this story I really wonder... school starts soon too... just 4 days and I dread it bc I have literally no friends. The ones that claim to be it would gladly leave me alone so they could be with other people but me I could tell you that. I just- someone please just tell me what's wrong with me so I could fix it... did anyone even read this... I wonder. Did I even write enough for anyone that wanted to understand and help?? Was this just a waste of time to post and make an account for.... I mean there's so much more to my story... too bad I'm too lost and confused to do anything about this message let alone to confused with myself. Please... help my miserable life (shouldn't be complaint about my life though... I know many others have it worse than I do) I hope I didn't misspell words and that my sentences made sense. I'm sorry if I waisted your time. I'm sorry I worry this was probably just bs to read and confused you just as much as I am.

Can you go to live with your father, or any other family member?

Is there anyone else you can talk to regarding this matter? Your health and mental state do not sound good. You cannot survive on chocolate, water and bread. Doesn't she cook? Can you speak to a counselor?

I'm sorry, that your mother is not treating you the way she should. It sounds like she has her own issues and is placing your stepfather ahead of her kids.

Please talk to others about this. You may also consider a hotline.

There is nothing wrong with you or your sister. Your stepfather is a controlling monster who is emotionally abusing your mother and yourselves. Part of the syndrome is that to make sure his control is total, he has to destroy your sense of self-esteem and self-worth so that you can't fight him, you're not able to fight him,and as you point out, your mom has changed because he has beaten her down, complained that whatever happens is her fault and your fault, and it's NOT. After 8 years in this situation, all three of you, you, your mom and your sister, have now been made victims of this domineering man!

As Hollyj asks, can you go live with your dad or relative? That would be your best choice to get out of this situation. Otherwise, you're stuck until your 18. After age 18, you're an adult and can control your own life, that is if your stepfather hasn't made you totally unable to fend for yourself.

Use Google to look up emotional abuse. As Hollyj said, look for a hotline you can call just to be able to talk things through and see what recourse is open to you. You don't want the state to take you because some government situations are worse than what you're in, but don't lose hope. Try to keep sane. Don't believe your parents blaming you for things you didn't do. Develop a thick skin. Also help your sister! She is in the same situation as you are. Get help together. Try to stand together. Don't yell back. Just agree with what your stepfather and mother are yelling and excuse yourself. Try to get away from the firing range! Good luck!

I know this is a late reply but i want to tell you that i am a 16 year old girl living in southeast asia . And all that i state here is my perspective.Your stepdad is in love with your mother deeply that he cant stand to see her get upset because of u n ur sister. But he cares for both of you girls because of your mother. I mean he did stop u from committing suicide. N the fact that he yelled at you for talking a language he doesnt understand is only because he feels excluded even in your own family and that can be frustrating.(i should know it happens to me alot but only among friends and that itself is so frustrating) This man is not evil it is the way that he came into your life that makes him feel like a bully. I dont think someone can be intentional that mean but talking to him is NOT an option because based on your story he is egoistic and will not accept being told he is wrong. But none of this means that you are wrong. You are NOT wrong. Stop blaming yourself. Your mom sounds emotional and i think that u should STOP telling her any arguments or tense situations involving your real dad cause it makes the situation bad n plus its none of her business.(dont say that to her). Be picky about wat u n ur sister tell her. U said u 2 were picked up at the airport that means that you 2 should discuss n agree on wat to tell ur mom n wat not to tell. N in every situation try be a ppl pleaser tell her a thing u did with ur dad then tell her that it was fun but not as fun as hanging wif her. I suggest do the above if you CANT stay with another relative. When u go to school find the teacher that seems cool n u feel u can talk to then go up to her/him after class n say that u need help. Explain to the teacher that u cant talk things out with your parents n it only makes things worse. Trust me i never follow the rules in school but i had one teacher that really gave me the best thing in my life that i still appreciate today, it didnt cost money but it changed my entire life. No teacher will walk up to u n ask if u have a problem YOU HAVE TO WALK UP TO THE TEACHER AND JUST TALK. (someone will save you n hope u find that person soon) . You are amazing. Good luck. Ps. Try writing a book. Not jk jus do it but not about ur life twist n turn the story