Girlfriend got a tattoo I don't like, how to deal?

I've been dating this girl for over a year. About 2 months ago, she mentioned wanting a tattoo and showed me the design she wanted. Tattoos are an extreme turn off for me, nothing wrong with a person having them, just a physical preference that affects my attraction. I can't explain or control it, but I wouldn't approach someone with lots of them as a romantic interest.

I talked to her about it, and said it is her body and her decision. I told her I find large tats and sleeves extremely unattractive but I love her and want her to be happy, so if she wants a small one I can get past it and fully support what she decides to get. She told me it would be a small tattoo maybe 4" or so on her bicep and showed me the design.

She had the appointment yesterday, and we talked before she went in. She assured me what she was getting was small and I have nothing to worry about. I got a text 3 hours later "It's done, but you won't like it". Apparently, the artist told her he couldn't get the detail she wanted in a small design so at the last minute she decided to let him do a full shoulder to elbow design. I wasn't told about it until it was done.

I know some people will say I should accept whatever she does, but I feel slightly decieved and I feel like my opinion doesn't matter to her. I find it extremely unattractive, and it's not even something with meaning just a bunch of flowers she thought looked good.

So now I'm not sure how to handle this. Someone I love now has something I find extremely unappealing. She says I'm being superficial and if I love her it won't matter. I think by doing this, she's placed wanting to change her appearance over the relationship. It also seems insanely impulsive and irresponsible to be talked into getting a much larger tattoo at the last minute. It's there forever now and I don't know if I can be ok with it. Any advice?

It sounds like you are incompatible. You have different views and ideas. You both are figuring that out over this issue.

I don't believe her story for a second , tattoos are sorted before you go in , the timing is sorted out , the design , size and placement are sorted out , no way would a tattooist decide once a client was in that it had to jump from 4 inches to half an arm and the cost would be significantly different .

I believe she spun this tale to try and appease you , she wants the body art , she knows you don't like it so told a white lie in the hope you would accept it . Doesn't make her a bad person , she was in a situation where she couldn't follow her desire for fear of upsetting you . It is your call if you can accept her body art .

How do you deal? You love her right? Or have some level of feelings for her, since she is your gf. This is only skin deep. It IS superficial and she has a right to do whatever she wants to her own body, especially something as small as a tattoo. You are being controlling over her body. I suggest you stop, or you'll cause unneeded issues. This is such a non issue. Unless you really don't care for her much at all after a year, that some ink will influence how you feel about her? Attraction only draws you in, while the kind of person your partner is will make you stay. Is she, as a person, not good enough for you that this thwarts your perception of her so much? That's the vibe I'm getting from your post.

I don't believe her story for a second , tattoos are sorted before you go in , the timing is sorted out , the design , size and placement are sorted out , no way would a tattooist decide once a client was in that it had to jump from 4 inches to half an arm and the cost would be significantly different .

 

I believe she spun this tale to try and appease you , she wants the body art , she knows you don't like it so told a white lie in the hope you would accept it . Doesn't make her a bad person , she was in a situation where she couldn't follow her desire for fear of upsetting you . It is your call if you can accept her body art .

I've changed fairly massive things about a tattoo at the last minute on recommendation of the artist. I wouldn't assume she is lying. But I would assume her body art is more important to her than her boyfriend's opinion. Which I personally think of as healthy. And it's a sign of a incompatibility in this case. He doesn't like the way she expresses herself. That's a pretty straightforward no go.

You will likely always resent her for this. You can't have a meaningful relationship with someone you resent.

I don't believe her story for a second , tattoos are sorted before you go in , the timing is sorted out , the design , size and placement are sorted out , no way would a tattooist decide once a client was in that it had to jump from 4 inches to half an arm and the cost would be significantly different .

 

I believe she spun this tale to try and appease you , she wants the body art , she knows you don't like it so told a white lie in the hope you would accept it . Doesn't make her a bad person , she was in a situation where she couldn't follow her desire for fear of upsetting you . It is your call if you can accept her body art .

They were having a flat rate special at the shop to bring new clients in. Part of this is apparently it was set up on Facebook. She had emailed the design in but had not went in-person to consult. It all seemed very poorly thought out, and I should mention she has BPD which I'm sure affected the decision making process here.

How do you deal? You love her right? Or have some level of feelings for her, since she is your gf. This is only skin deep. It IS superficial and she has a right to do whatever she wants to her own body, especially something as small as a tattoo.

 

Apparently, the artist told her he couldn't get the detail she wanted in a small design so at the last minute she decided to let him do a full shoulder to elbow design.

In the OP's defense, a shoulder to elbow tattoo is no small tattoo!!

Google it, you'll see for yourself.

I also don't believe, as pippy said, she didn't know beforehand. Of course she knew, for the reasons pippy explained.

However it is her body, and she has the right to do with it as she pleases.

Apparently she didn't consider your feelings at all though (or did but dismissed them), plus she lied to you about it; I find that very disturbing, more so than the actual tattoo.

I really don't know how to advise here; as a woman I happen to love tattoos on men, especially biceps and find shoulder to elbow tattoos extremely sexy.

But I understand many men don't like on their gfs, especially a tattoo that large (you're not the first man I've heard complain about it), combined with the fact she essentially dismissed your feelings, then lied about it, tough call.

Perhaps give it some time before making any decision. I know of a man who felt as you do, but then he met a woman he fell head over heels for who had many tattoos, and wanted even more, and he came to accept them and they are now happily married.

They were having a flat rate special at the shop to bring new clients in. Part of this is apparently it was set up on Facebook. She had emailed the design in but had not went in-person to consult. It all seemed very poorly thought out, and I should mention she has BPD which I'm sure affected the decision making process here.

I would be reflecting on whether this is a good long term fit. I don't know what you are looking for - do you want someone to spend a long part of your life in a committed relationship with? Her impulsiveness and willingness to dismiss your feelings in this particular way would have me wondering too...is this person an actual good fit for you?

I would be reflecting on whether this is a good long term fit. I don't know what you are looking for - do you want someone to spend a long part of your life in a committed relationship with? Her impulsiveness and willingness to dismiss your feelings in this particular way would have me wondering too...is this person an actual good fit for you?

This is exactly what this has me questioning. The lack of consideration leads me to believe this won't be the only time. That's a bigger issue even than this tattoo which I'm starting to think will cause me to have some issues every time I see it.

I don't like tattoos at all either and if a gf of mine didn't respect my opinion of this I would break up with her.

 

The lack of consideration leads me to believe this won't be the only time. That's a bigger issue even than this tattoo which I'm starting to think will cause me to have some issues every time I see it.

Exactly.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

In the OP's defense, a shoulder to elbow tattoo is no small tattoo!!

 

Google it, you'll see for yourself.

When I posted my bit, I somehow knew one user would trip up on my wording. I didn't say it was a "small tattoo", I said "as small as a tattoo". Big difference, meaning: getting any tattoo is a small thing. It is only ink. It doesn't change who she is, and if this influences this guy's feelings about his gf, I doubt he really cared for her much in the first place since it appears to be skin deep.

I have never had a tattoo, but I've thought about getting one on my hand, for personal reasons. Reasons that may not mean anything to anyone else but me. If my bf came up to me and said it was inconsiderate, in the case he doesn't like tattoos on "his women", of me that I did this for myself, I would seriously question him in many ways. Not to mention, it would p*** me off. How dare a guy dictate what I want to do to my own body, and then turn around to say it's inconsiderate of me doing this to him?! Excuse me, but what about him being inconsiderate of how I want to do this for myself? So I can't do anything to my body without his approval, lest I become inconsiderate to him? What has the world come to for women...

When I posted my bit, I somehow knew one user would trip up on my wording. I didn't say it was a "small tattoo", I said "as small as a tattoo". Big difference, meaning: getting any tattoo is a small thing. It is only ink. It doesn't change who she is, and if this influences this guy's feelings about his gf, I doubt he really cared for her much in the first place since it appears to be skin deep.

 

I have never had a tattoo, but I've thought about getting one on my hand, for personal reasons. Reasons that may not mean anything to anyone else but me. If my bf came up to me and said it was inconsiderate, in the case he doesn't like tattoos on "his women", of me that I did this for myself, I would seriously question him in many ways. Not to mention, it would p*** me off. How dare a guy dictate what I want to do to my own body, and then turn around to say it's inconsiderate of me doing this to him?! Excuse me, but what about him being inconsiderate of how I want to do this for myself? So I can't do anything to my body without his approval, lest I become inconsiderate to him? What has the world come to for women...

Suit yourself. And yes it's your body and you are free to do with it as you wish. I already explained that.

However, personally, when in a serious relationship, before embarking on something that is going to alter my body, a body that my boyfriend is going to touch and make love to, I consider his feelings since I love him and as such like to please him, make him happy and turn him on.

In turn he acts in ways that make me happy and turn me on.

I think that makes for the best relationships.

If getting a tattoo is more a priority for you than wanting to please and make the man you love happy, then that's your preogative.

Far be it for me to dictate how you should conduct your relationships.

Different strokes and all that.

As a woman with tattoos, I can honestly say that if tattoos turn you off and you can't get past it, which seems to be the way you are leaning, then end it and seek out a woman with no body art.

I would never, in a million years, care what my boyfriend thought about my potential tattoos. It is my body, my choice, my business. I don't feel your girlfriend is "bad" or deceptive, simply for her choice. Perhaps she was scared that you would let her know how unappealing the thought is to you and this may have made her feel small and insignificant.

I also do not judge you. You like what you like. I happen to know that real love is blind, and tattoos may not be the end of it. Maybe your relationship wasn't as strong as you perhaps thought it was?

Either way, you both need to be free to date people who you can each accept and be attracted to, and have a happy and healthy relationship with.

Best wishes!

I think that the tattoo is not bothering as much as the fact that she went behind your back and got a big one. Of you were very in love with her, it wouldn't matter. But it sounds like you feel betrayed. I personally like my husband with longer hair on his head, but he insists on buzzing it to an inch and it honestly is a bit of a turn off but I deal with it. He has a long face and a big nose so a buzzed head just emphasizes those things lol. I always have long pretty hair that I know he lives, and I recently cut it pretty short and he didnt it. Now he knows how I've been feeling all these years lol. Tattoos are permanent so if feel for you. I guess if you really love her youll tolerate it. Best wishes!!

and I should mention she has BPD which I'm sure affected the decision making process here.

^^^^ well that is slightly worrying , you think mental illness made her get a bigger tattoo then she really wanted .........* walks away

I don't know what it is, but tattoos turn me off too. Somewhere in my mind it lowers the attraction as my eyes keep coming back to them.

I have dated several women with small tattoos, but it is always the same, it takes me a long time to look past them, for them to fade into the background (the tattoo not the girl) but they eventually do. Yet it is still in my mind.

I've never had a girlfriend who got a tattoo while I was with them. I can express my dislike for them, but there would be no way I would stop someone from getting one. It is their body, their choice.

I'd suggest riding it through for a while, just see how it grows on you, and if it doesn't, then it might be time to move on. Love is not always enough, attraction is important, and if you lose attraction and are not able to get it back, it's time to move on.

I could be wrong, but I really doubt it was some sort of accident that the tattoo ended up so large. I think she was operating under the "It's better to seek forgiveness than to seek permission" model.

Here's what it comes down to: you don't like tattoos on a woman. You got involved with a woman who didn't have tattoos. That woman then made the unilateral decision to change one of the terms of your relationship--a term which may have never been spoken but a term nonetheless. She did this when she went from being your preference of a non-tattoed girlfriend to a tattooed one. Absolutely, 100% within her rights.

Now, you simply have to decide whether or not having a girlfriend with her entire upper arm covered in ink is a deal-breaker. Also with the understanding that she likely isn't done getting inked. If it is a deal-breaker for you then so be it.

By the way, you were in no way wronged. We all agree that she has the right to do what she wants with her body, but some may feel that it was wrong for her not to take your feelings into account. I disagree. If this is something she really wanted to do then she should have, regardless of how you felt about it. However, that doesn't change that SHE wouldn't be in any way wronged if you dumped her as a result. She made her decision knowing that it may make her significantly less attractive to you to warrant your leaving her, and that's a chance she chose to take.

This whole incident goes deeper than the tattoo I believe. I agree with all the reading into this. The whole last-minute situation with the tattoo artist not being able to make it small enough... that's a bunch of bullcrap. A skilled artist can do anything, any size, anywhere.

I wanna share a short story, it's been told many times (especially on ENA) but I'll tell again. My ex-girlfriend. 6~ years ago she talked me into taking her on a long-ass drive to the other size of the city to a tattoo shop to get a big tattoo across her chest with song lyrics on it. It was a very spur-of-the-moment thing out of nowhere. At the time, I thought "whatever"... I was 21, I was gonna get to stare at my girlfriend half-naked getting a tattoo on her chest and I thought it would lead to other things that day. Well, it didn't lead to anything but a lame "thank you" followed by her dumping me some two weeks later because she turned out to be a closet lesbian. And I was devastated, and to this day it has screwed up my head and was a big thing that has happened to me in my life. I was hurt because I was really falling for her and I thought we were super compatible and everything. I wanna add in, that I did not like nor support the tattoo idea, but it was her body and everything.

The tattoo, it was just a catalyst to the lesbian confession. Tattoos, they are one of those things. They say something about people and who they really are that get them. And often it seems that people that get them... it is either inspired or followed by some psychological change going on with themselves. The feeling that they need to permanently change their bodies in a stupid way to make a public statement that no one cares about. I wanna add in, I'm not a superstitious guy, but to me, tattoos are bad luck.

This may sound rude/judgmental, but I'm gonna say it. I'm 27 years old. And I think almost every single person I have ever met/personally known that has a tattoo of any kind has had some kind of issues. Very nice women I was interested in years ago had small ones on her wrist. Turned out to have some kind of PTSD from the military, ended up getting knocked up on one drunk night by a loser. Another woman I was interested in that also had wrist tattoos lied to me for months about wanting to date me and things. A close friend of mine I knew since a teenager got tattoos on his legs, ended up having severe depression. Another great guy I know, doing well and has a kid/happy wife, but his life wasn't always peachy perfect, having messed up his college career and got thrown out of a fitness club for something to do with giving alcohol to minors... also has tattoos. Lastly a childhood friend I got that got tattoos also turned out weird, has marital problems, etc.

It seems like everyone I've ever known or met that has had them has had issues to some degree. I just question the mentality of anyone who feels the need to put stupid permanent ink on their bodies. I totally don't see anything wrong with you dumping this girl over the tattoo ordeal. Just think; you're going to have to see it forever if you stick with her. Every time you go out shirtless, to the beach, swimming, when you're intimate, that tattoo's going to be staring and laughing in your face. Think even longer... wedding photos with tattoos, first kids, etc. That tattoo is gonna be part of the story. If it bothers you now, it will only get worse down the road, and what's stopping her from getting more? First is the shoulder, then the arms, then the wrist, then the back, then the tramp stamp, then one on the foot...

I've concluded for me, tattoos are a deal breaker. And I'm a hard-rock/metalhead guy, I love metal music and things, write music, you think I would be "OK" with that lifestyle. But, I'm not OK with tattoos. It's permanently ruining a beautiful body. The wrist tattoos, sleeves, I hate it all. It's sickening. I'm just so weary of anyone that has tattoos, I feel like I'm instantly incompatible with someone who likes tattoos. I don't like it. I wanna say lastly, I think it's wrong she did this without your feelings in consideration. I don't know, if she thought of you as true "future husband" material and you really mattered to her, she may have second guessed getting this stupid ink. She didn't .

Suit yourself. And yes it's your body and you are free to do with it as you wish. I already explained that.

 

However, personally, when in a serious relationship, before embarking on something that is going to alter my body, a body that my boyfriend is going to touch and make love to, I consider his feelings since I love him and as such like to please him, make him happy and turn him on.

 

In turn he acts in ways that make me happy and turn me on.

 

I think that makes for the best relationships.

 

If getting a tattoo is more a priority for you than wanting to please and make the man you love happy, then that's your preogative.

 

Far be it for me to dictate how you should conduct your relationships.

 

Different strokes and all that.

 

True, different strokes, but it saddens me that someone who supposedly loves me, claims to be serious with me, and wants to maintain selfless love would change all of this...because of a tattoo? It doesn't sound like a good love to me if you are sacrificing what you want to do solely for yourself for someone else's selfishness over your body. Heaven forbid I ever get surgery, a piercing, or permanent scars on my body, my partner will lose attraction for me. The thing is, as we get older our bodies change whether we want it to or not. Some viewed as ugly, some viewed as beautiful. However, the thought of my partner losing attraction/love for me over any change in my body, I believe is superficial. Their affection relied on my body characteristics and not me, hence what kind of relationship is that? - A sad one.

 

Whether it is your decision to, sometimes it's not always a decision we want to make. For example, I have IBD that could lead to some serious health complications. It is an option for me to remove my colon completely, to be replaced with a bag in order to empty its contents. It is very unsightly, but a choice I very well could make for myself. If my partner would let this hinder our relationship, why would I want a partner like that? I have to consult with them if it's ok for me to do this for myself, and for my well being, mentally and physically? I don't think so. My point being, if a partner of mine can't handle a change in my body, particularly one as small as a tattoo, how could they handle anything else? Such as this? It doesn't matter if it's your decision or not, because sometimes we have to make hard decisions that will alter our body. For me, it's like my partner failed the trial for the qualities of a good partner, IMO.

 

Also, I highly doubt the gf has deceived the guy. Tattoos get altered at suggestions by the artist (yes it happens) and, as mentioned by the OP, she didn't even have an in person consultation with said artist. It was likely there would be a difference in the tattoo in person, rather than by phone.

When I posted my bit, I somehow knew one user would trip up on my wording. I didn't say it was a "small tattoo", I said "as small as a tattoo". Big difference, meaning: getting any tattoo is a small thing. It is only ink. It doesn't change who she is, and if this influences this guy's feelings about his gf, I doubt he really cared for her much in the first place since it appears to be skin deep.

 

I have never had a tattoo, but I've thought about getting one on my hand, for personal reasons. Reasons that may not mean anything to anyone else but me. If my bf came up to me and said it was inconsiderate, in the case he doesn't like tattoos on "his women", of me that I did this for myself, I would seriously question him in many ways. Not to mention, it would p*** me off. How dare a guy dictate what I want to do to my own body, and then turn around to say it's inconsiderate of me doing this to him?! Excuse me, but what about him being inconsiderate of how I want to do this for myself? So I can't do anything to my body without his approval, lest I become inconsiderate to him? What has the world come to for women...

I think you have somehow twisted my wording or applied your own situation and personal experience somehow. Re-read the OP. I tried my best to support her decision, the issue came about when it turns out she lies to me about what she was getting. It has nothing to do with her being "mine", perhaps as someone who likes tattoos you can't understand the sentiment, but pick something you find to be a major turn off and imagine your partner wants to do it.

^^^^ well that is slightly worrying , you think mental illness made her get a bigger tattoo then she really wanted .........* walks away

If you think that had no bearing, you have no idea what the symptoms of that illness are. Its not something I'm suggesting, she I was diagnosed years ago. Rash decisions and risky behavior that you regret later are a huge part of it, and she hasn't been on her meds in a few months, so there is a whole roller coaster of other issues going on here.

I think you have somehow twisted my wording or applied your own situation and personal experience somehow. Re-read the OP. I tried my best to support her decision, the issue came about when it turns out she lies to me about what she was getting. It has nothing to do with her being "mine", perhaps as someone who likes tattoos you can't understand the sentiment, but pick something you find to be a major turn off and imagine your partner wants to do it.

You misunderstand, this response from me was towards a different user. Perhaps re-read my post? I even quoted that user.

I guess if I picked something, I would be adverse to my partner getting guages. Although if he got them, it wouldn't change my feelings for him because I really love my partner. I would learn to like them as it's part of the guy I love, as I love him for him and not his appearance. Sure, it's what drew me at first, but my love for him grew beyond it. Also, it's almost impossible to undo large guages, so it's permanent. TBH, I may play with them for fun

you deal with it like any other visual element that displeases you. It's part of her, not all of her. Stop obsessing, start focusing on who she is and what you love, focus your visuals elsewhere.