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Husband is angry at me for no reason n mistreats me constantly


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I am in despair and pain. I dont know what to do. I fell in love with this guy who because of his family's dissapproval, ended up ghosting me after four years of being in a relationship. Then I met someone else who I ended up being engaged to. When the first guy found out, he started begging me to forgive him and give him a second chance. So I broke up my engagement and ended up marrying the first guy, because I believed his words of seeking forgiveness and promising to treat me better. However, he kept asking me about how my sexual relationship was with my ex fiance and because I still had anger towards him for ghosting me in a terrible way and now coming and asking me about my sexual past, I told him that it was better than it was when Im with him. I only said that because I was still angry about what he had done to me by ghosting me after four years and only asking forgiveness when he heard im with someone else. So now im married to him and he constantly mistreats me and gets angry at me because I said that my sex lofe with my ex fiance was better. I tried explaining to him that it isnt so and that I was just saying that before because of my hurt feelings, and genuinly I dont even think that, but hes such a stubborn man he is refusing to listen and constantly shuts me down, snaps at me, gets angry at me, talks to me in a harsh, cold manner unprovoked, and in return I plead with him and cry to him to please stop hurting me and I dont even get agry in return, but even theb, he continues to be harsh and cold and I am crying everyday because of him. I really regret giving him a second chance because he is so ungrateful about it, I forgave him for the way he ghosted me but he continues to hurt me all the tie by snapping at me and getting angry and shutting me down when I need to vent. He clais his misbehaviour is due to me claiming 9 months ago that i had a better sex life with my ex, even though I didnt mean it and dont even think so! So he uses that reason to justify his emotional abuse to me. Im married to this man and unfortunately I literally am trapped because I have no where to go, no house to go back to, no job, no country to call my own, nothing. I feel like the only reason im not filing for divorce is because I dont have anywhere else to go, literally. I feel like recently his mistreatment has escalated and honestly my love and respect for this man has morphed into hatred for him and he is not worthy or deserving to be my husband, I hate him for hurting me n I feel as though he tricked me into giving him a second chance. Because everyday I try to be a good wife to him and everyday I try to cater to his needs and show him love and appreciation but he takes me and my second chance for granted completely. Ive started to kind of get scared when I speak to him in fear he will get angry and snap at me, Ive started not confiding in him anymore, Ive started regretting marrying him, Ive started to hate him and wonder if I married someone else, I would have been treated better. I used to think the world of him and would never come to an online forum to vent because I used to be able to vent to him, but I feel too emotionally unsafe to vent to that man and I feel like there is no point of doing so because he wont understand, he will not empathetize but instead think selfishly and he will just snap at me and make me cry. He just doesnt get me anymore and he has made my life a hell because Im emotionally affected so badly that I cant sleep properly, I lost my appetite, I am constantly fearing his messages and calls and dreading them( its a long distance relationship temporarily) and im fearing him ghosting me once again even though now hes my husband. I just lost my trust in him. When I think of him, I feel betrayed and I feel hatred towards him. I dont feel respect and love for him anymore. I dont know what to do. Please can someone provide some support and empathy, I am in desperate need for any sympathy as I have no one to confide in, because I dont want any of my freinds and family to find out as they know him. Please help me as I am breaking apart here alone.

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OP, while I have all the empathy and sympathy for you in the world, there is nothing left to say but that you are in a very toxic and dysfunctional relationship. His guy is abusive and has major anger issues. He needs anger management at the very least. He is also a jerk (sorry).

 

That said, you either go to marriage counselling together to sort out all the issues in the marriage, or you file for divorce. I know if that was me, I would kick him to the curb and leave and never go back. Ever. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that you won't leave him and if that's the case, you need to know that things will NOT get better for you - in fact, be prepared for a lot more abuse. Are you prepared for that?

 

I can only advise you pack your bags and leave, but will you?

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Thanks alot. I just dont know what to do because he used to be good and now hes just changed. Im obviously not going to take any more abuse. I just dont know what to do because even my marriage is new, its only been around 9 months. Omgosh I feel like Im gonna break down with anxiety

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Oh, God. You fell for the oldest trick in the book. Your husband wanted to marry you because he thinks he owns you and became extremely jealous that you were happy without him and were with another man. This is your typical controlling and emotionally abusive husband And it's worse if he comes from a culture that pushes a macho tradition where the man owns the wife and he has the right to punish her if she steps out of line and doesn't do what he says.

 

You need to get out of this relationship. Can your ex help you at least to do the first step in getting you out? You should look for abused women organizations in your area who deal with people of your culture or your husband's culture. They are the ones who can help you to get out, get you to a shelter, get support by talking with women in your situation. It's only going to get harder the longer you're in this marriage, and it will be more and more difficult to ever leave. He has purposely isolated you (a typical tactic) so that everything revolves around him.

 

There are some legal ways to get the marriage annulled if you're living in a Western country. You need someone who can protect you temporally, maybe send you some money to get out of the country. You need to find someone who loves you and not abuse you.

 

I wish I could help you further, but you need help, even if it's only to clear your head.

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This a text from him, telling me that its justified how he is treating me because of me saying 9 months ago about me and my ex's sex life( which by the way as I previously mentioned, isnt true and I dont feel that way at all, infact I only see my husband attractive and no one else, and I keep telling him but he doesn listen, to the point where I have stopped finding him attarctive due to the way he keeps on persisting on this topic until he pushes me away from him in all aspects. Here is his text, please let me know honestly what you think: )

 

Look any man wants to be in a relationship where their women only loves them and sees them as the best in all asepcts of life and no other man.

 

And I've loved u since I was a kid and imagine how much I want that.

 

Yet, I feel like you like other man more physically (regardless of what you say) so it's very hard for me to be fully committed in this relationship.

 

So anyway I was trying my best to fix it so I put all that aside and I tried to fix it and give you your needs and heal you a little. So I did my best and you felt a little better. But I didn't get anything. All I wanted was some time before we go into physical things again. And I don't mean cave time. I mean let me take care of u and listen to u venting and do everything else normally but you just be patient with me when it comes to physical things. Especially compliments. This is because I told u that u never compliment me like your ex and you never responded even though on text and voice you tried to respond to everything. You even said you will say something against my points on the phone because you didn't get to on the text. And you said you're doing this so I don't say later you didn't address some points. Yet you didn't address that point. And that's why every time I tell u don't try and change my mind but if you are going to then do it properly otherwise it's gonna make me feel worse. Because not only did I not get convinced on any points I got a fresh spear in my heart about one of the points.

 

Now imagine how resentful and trapped I feel in this relationship where I feel like my wife likes other men more but I'm trying to forget it and give her need and hoping I will forget about it and that night after a stressful day about visa and not knowing who were going to use for accommodation, the first thing you want from me is complements. When the whole day all I've been thinking about is she doesn't compliment me like her ex. And now you're not talking about anything but me complimenting you. And no matter how much I try and move the topic on you get more and more into it and I'm getting mor and more hurt.

 

Now your venting in general is triggered which I would have preferred you done from the beginning so I could take care of u. But now you done in reaction to me doing something wrong in my eyes which makes it difficult for me to take care of u. And we've had rhus discussion befreo in out relationship too. For many years. I've told u I wanna take care of u and hear u vent but not when it starts as reaction to my feelings or needs. If u have something in your heart then come to me and tell me you want to vent rather than waiting for a trigger because I feel like you're using the venting safety blanket of not listening to block me from my emotions whilst getting your needs.

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I think this is toxic for the both of you. I think you've learned what saying things like that out of spite can do to a man's confidence. It's stayed with him for a while so I think that really hurt him.

 

He doesn't feel wanted physically, and it's causing him to act out against you. That doesn't excuse his yelling/berating you, nor does it invalidate your feelings. You guys aren't good for each other right now. Given your situation, I recommend you see couple's counseling.

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I don't see anything in the letter that would change my opinion. It's part of the abuse cycle. He's manipulating you. You can search in Google and see similar stuff from other women who have gone through this and who have broken out the cycle. I'm sorry. Part of the cycle is to make you believe that YOU are hurting HIM. He's beating you down to make you subservient and so you will accept this behavior and not question his actions in the future. This is a bad relationship if you are crying every day and are unhappy. Marriage is not suppose to be like that.

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