Why am I thinking about this now?

This is my first post on here and I really mainly want a place to vent a bit. For the past couple of days I've been having flashbacks of a very dark time in my life. At 21, I tried online dating and I met this guy. At first he seemed cool, he was cute so we went out to eat once. The next date was New Years so we went out with a girlfriend of mine and we got some alcohol and went out to a pool hall and that's about where my night ends. I honestly don't remember anything after that except lately I've been having flashbacks of being with him in the back of his car. Apparently we dropped my friend off at her house, he helped her inside and neither of us remember anything. I had not dated or went out with anyone for about a year before this guy. The following month I found out I was pregnant. I was in complete shock. I texted him and let him know I was late and I had taken a pregnancy test. He reacted very supportively, but soon started to be very controlling. Telling me what to eat, when to drink, what to wear, everything he could. It's like he thought that because I was pregnant I was his property. I Really had a hard time dealing with my pregnancy, Having to tell my parents and then the guilt. I ended up having an abortion. He completely flipped out and started calling me every name in the book. I felt like complete . I still to this day have terrible depression because of it and have been on medication. I don't want to be judged, I know what I did was wrong but a big part of me started feeling like I wasn't ready and I wasn't right mentally. I just wanted to forget about it. I blocked the guy, I moved soon after everything and haven't heard of him since. Last couple of days, strangely 5 years later, I'm having flash backs and dreams of being in the back of his car, I didn't remember this at the time but I swear they're very real like my memory is telling me something. I didn't consent to sex, I couldn't, I was passed out drunk. I guess a part of me doesn't want to think about or consider the R word.

First of all, you did the right thing by ending the pregnancy since you weren't ready and this man was going to be a very negative influence in your life. You shouldn't feel bad about doing that, although I know there were likely a lot of pressures on you from various sources and you might have strong beliefs about abortion. Ultimately, both you and that baby are better off having not had to live difficult lives as a result of a one night stand

Secondly, I study cognitive science and neuroscience, and can tell you beyond a doubt that if you're only just having these memories now, then they are most likely false memories rather than true repressed memories. Repressed memories are rare (indeed, highly debated). What is much more common is false memories, also known as the Mandela effect (the Mandela effect refers to memories influenced by groups, but the mechanism is the same). The nature of memory and what we know of it cognitively/neurologically is that after a memory is laid down, reflecting on that memory tends to alter the memory itself - you lay new memories down in the form of reflection, over the top of the original memory. Thus, the more time that passes and the more times you have tried to remember a situation, the more you have altered that memory from its true original form or even completely fabricated a memory. More than likely, you were not raped, you've simply convinced yourself that you were. Just keep in mind, if both of you were drunk, neither can consent

This is probably a symptom of poor mental health that you've described, and you would be wise to seek counselling for this. The emotional/psychological impact of this memory can be the same regardless of whether or not this actually occurred. I say this because clearly you are feeling victimised by the situation, but it may be to do with the aftermath rather than the events leading up to and including the night in question