He's not ready for marriage(LONG post)

Hello! My first time posting. I'm confused and unsure about what to do. A little back story. Me and my bf have been together for almost 3 years. I moved in with him just a few months after we started dating. He's 31 and I'm 26. He has been married before for less than a year to the mother of his child. They have been divorced for about 6 years before I came in the picture. I know she hurt him badly. He's my best friend. I love him so much. I have tried my very best to show him how much he means to me. I would leave him little notes before he goes to work and sometimes little stuff just to make his work day better. I would have supper cooked when he came home. I would tell him often how great of a man he is, how handsome and hard worker he is. I mean I would do anything to make him happy. I have been playing wife without actually becoming his wife. He knows how much I want to be married to him. Yet it has become such a big issue. We never fight except when it comes to this subject. I didn't even find out from him he didn't wasn't ready for marriage, his mother told me about a year ago. After me and him have talked about it before that and he never mentioned he wasn't ready. One thing He says he wants to marry me just not right now. I know he's been hurt in the past but if he doesn't see that I'm not going to hurt him like his ex, I don't think he ever will. I don't understand that we can live together for these years but he can't make me his wife? Then another thing he says is let him save up for a ring, but I have told him I don't have to have a ring right now. Even if I did I am simple it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. I don't have to have a wedding. We could go to the courthouse and get married. He tells me no let him save up for a ring. Then he blows his money on games. Like one time over 300 for a old Nintendo game. He told me he has invested over 2000.00 in his old game collections. I don't say anything about it bc it makes him happy. I know some may think I'm crazy for wanting to be married so bad that I don't even care about a ring. I just want to be married to the love of my life. To be able to call him my husband. To have his last name. I try not to bring it up much but when I do bring up marriage its like a huge fight starts. He tells me he's tired of hearing about it. I have even begged him to marry me(I know it's wrong) but he still says not right now. I almost left a month ago bc I'm just tired of waiting and at first he got really mad and told me if I'm leaving don't come back and then he apologized and started crying asking me to stay so I did. I don't know if he won't marry me bc of the ex wife? I don't know if he still loves her and maybe that's why? She has a bf as well. She sent him a photo once in a bikini bc she wanted to show the fish she caught. I just so happened to be next to him and seen it. It made me irritated. My thing is why are you sending photos like that to your ex husband?? Yet when I asked him to please show me a little respect and tell her not to send photos in a binkini he acted like I was in the wrong for asking him too. Then here a few weeks ago she tells him she is breaking up with her bf and doesn't have a place to stay (her parents live not far from her) for her and her son until she can find a place to rent. So he told her they could stay with us. I would love for their son to stay but I just don't feel comfortable with her staying but he told her yes before he told me. Luckily she worked it out with her bf i think so she didnt come live with us. It still the fact that why would she call him first before anyone about leaving and him telling her yes. Maybe I'm being too jealous. I'm so fed up with the whole marriage issue we have. It hurts me so so much. I feel so unwanted now. I'm tired of bending over backwards to keep him happy and he can't comprise any with me. I love him but honestly I'm to the point I'm ready to leave. But I dont want to hurt him. I don't know what to do anymore. The thought of losing him breaks my heart. He's my best friend. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But not feeling like this..

Welcome to ENA. Well, he's getting the benefits of a wife without any of the commitment. I think you should spend some time trying to figure out why you want to get married so much (it's perfectly reasonable, just you should have those reasons clear in your head). Also, consider how long you're willing to wait for him to get ready before you decide to break up. Some couples are together, unmarried, happily for decades. But I get the sense this is not what you would like, which is fair. Obviously, you shouldn't wait 20 years for him to make up his mind, so you should decide how long you are willing to wait before you move on.

Im sorry, but I think he has made it pretty clear to you that he isnt going to marry you.

Are you willing to stay with him if you never become his wife?

When reading your post it almost seems like you are absolutely obsessed with wanting to get married and keep pushing and pushing the issue ....which in turn only backfires on you and makes him back off on the idea of marriage even more. Be careful. Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy?

You either have to come to terms with not getting married right now, or see the writing on the wall (that he is NOT ready) and move on. Choice is yours.

Oh dear. A few problems:

1) You had to find out from his mother (not him) that he wasn't ready for marriage. That tells me that communication wasn't so good in your relationship, or you wouldn't have heard that from a third party.

2) You moved in very quickly. Why was that?

3) He doesn't set appropriate boundaries with his ex-wife (no, "look at my big catch!" bikini photos are not appropriate to send an ex, especially when said ex has a new partner)

4) His ex-wife is coming to stay? No. His kid, ok. Her? No.

What you described is fairly common with divorced guys. Not only have they usually taken a huge financial hit by having to split their possessions in half, losing half the house, and possibly having to pay child support for a long time into the future, but they also have huge trust issues where they may never fully trust a woman again. None of this, of course, is your fault. You are indeed acting as a wife. You sound warm and loving. But every argument he's making is just an excuse. He's afraid to get married again. That's what he's really saying when he says he doesn't have any money, can't buy you a ring, etc. After three years, he should have made up his mind about whether he wants you, and whether you'd make a good wife. You may need your family to put pressure on him.

Being married is a protection for you. If anything happens to him, the hospital and the law would consider you invisible. You couldn't make health decisions for him, you can't have any access to his possessions if he dies. You wouldn't be taken care of and you'd be thrown out in the street. Likewise he can't make health decisions for your either.

So in any discussions about marriage, you've got to avoid the petty excuses and dig really deep. Is he afraid to get married again? Doesn't he love you deeply? Reassure him how in love you are with him. Getting married can be so easy. Tell him you'll sign a pre-nuptial agreement if he's worried about the financial side. Tell him you'll understand if he doesn't love you as much as you love him, but doesn't he love you enough?

If you need to be married, three years is enough time. You can't waste any more of your life without at least being engaged. Tell him it's important to you. It also reassures you that he's dedicated to this relationship. That you're not just going to be left out on the street. Give him a list of reasons why he should be married to you. I'm cute. I'm lovable. I'm loyal. I cook. I clean. Etc. But also be firm.

Don't let him get away with excuses. Find out what's up with him. And be prepared to start a new life if he's going to just let you go. Good luck.

Marriage is more of a risk to a guy than it is to a girl.

If you are so desperate to get married and he is not, leave him and find someone that does want to get married.

But if this is the man that you just must marry, and your badgering, complaining and manipulating finally gets him to marry you, just remember his risk when you get bored in 5 or ten years and sue him for marriage and half of what he owns.

Marriage may be a protection for you, but in our society, who is protecting the man?

Stop giving husband privelages to a guy who is only a boyfriend.

Start treating him as a boyfriend again, move out and live your own life and quit worshiping him. Why would he want to get married? He's getting the milk for free so he's not gonna buy the cow....

And him agreeing to let ex wife stay with you guys without even asking you would've been the end for me. How inconsiderate. Big red flag.

Stop giving husband privelages to a guy who is only a boyfriend.

 

Start treating him as a boyfriend again, move out and live your own life and quit worshiping him. Why would he want to get married? He's getting the milk for free so he's not gonna buy the cow....

 

And him agreeing to let ex wife stay with you guys without even asking you would've been the end for me. How inconsiderate. Big red flag.

Yes, completely agree! I somehow missed that detail in my previous response.

OP, his priorities are not with you. A man who actually respects you would have at least talked to you about this first. He didn't do so. Me thinks he's still got a big soft spot for her, and unfortunately, you will probably be pushed out of the scene soon enough once she moves in.

I'd ask myself, "If this is the most BF will ever offer me--no less, but no more--would I stay or go?" If the answer is stay, then I'd get off the marriage thing and find contentment with 'what is' and without trying to manipulate the future. If the answer is 'go,' then the next question becomes, "When?"

I was in your position too, except my bf had never been married. My advice - just walk away and stop settling for scraps. You shouldn't have to beg and plead for someone to marry you. Until you get some dignity for yourself and stop treating him like he walks on water, he will never respect you and without that respect, he won't want to marry you because you don't challenge him in any way.

A little secret to share with you: He won't really want to marry you because he feels comfortable in your love and he's taking it for granted. The best thing you can do is walk away and maybe then, and only then, will he see how much you loved him and how badly he screwed it up.

The whole ex thing - letting her stay immediately without even consulting you, even though you live together - that's just the icing on the cake. That's a pretty horrible thing to do and tells me his heart isn't fully with you.