It feels unreal and empty

Hey all, I found this site somehow in my obsession of getting information to heal after a breakup. And it seems like a good place to stay for a while as I think it might help me keep perspective.

Briefly about my breakup. We had a 3+ year relationship, it kind of came in like an explosion. The intensity was immense, I thought it would end quickly, but that kept going for pretty much 3 years. The infatuation phase did end before the first year, but I believe we genuinely were both in love. However, this January that kind of changed, mentally she started to get less and less. She had more panic-attacks, problems sleeping, and started getting more distant. I was also not doing to well due to a lot of stress. So I tried closing the gap and succeeded a bit. She went into therapy and got diagnosed with Post-traumatic stress disorder due to her first boyfriend who has mentally and physically abused her. I had already noticed some things, but always was able to navigate around those things. The more the therapy went on the more tired she became and the more distant. I kept putting my energy in to remain supportive and help her, but eventually it started affecting me causing me to try harder and harder to keep her, I believe I turned needy and quite harsh at the end.

Two months ago in June I came home and she ended our relationship, she immediatly wanted to leave but I kept her there as I desired a bit more than simply "it's over". We had a large argument with both of us seemingly devastated (cannot really talk for her, she was in tears though) and eventually I gave up and let her go. Which is the last time we ever saw each other.

We lived together, however she found the house, so I just took my stuff and moved back in with my parents for awhile. We had a vacation booked which we had to cancel. Therefore we had some contact in the beginning, these conversations were alright. She also congratulated me on my birthday (which was 8 days after the breakup) and I once had a more in depth conversation in which we kind of expressed that we still cared for each other, but she said it would not work out at this moment. After a couple of weeks I asked her for a conversation in which I wanted to ask some questions and express some feelings, but she got really cold and distant stating she did not want to have any contact at this time. This felt like hitting a brickwall and we haven't had contact since. It was my wake-up call to go NC as well and completely remove her from my life for the time being. I also saw that she, what to me seems like going a bit crazy, got a new car, tattoo and piercings in the span of 4 days. Also apparently (a mate unfortunately told me yesterday) she is going abroad for an internship (3 months, dont know when). This all seems as if she is moving on very quickly, yet also as if she is having a hard time. I cannot really figure it out, I also rather not know about it (thus I now informed my close environment to under no circumstance tell me anythiing regarding her).

Two months after the break up, I believe I pretty much went through most stages of grief (except denial, I quickly acknowledged the reality and pain). Yet I still have this very empty feeling and sense of unrealness. As if something happened which could not or should not have happened. We did a lot in our years together so the town is littered with memories. Sometimes making it hard to move around. I am almost constantly thinking of her, the memories and about getting in contact again. Especially wanting to know the new things she is doing, or sharing the new things I am doing. Yet I do not wish to break my NC bank account to zero nor do I want to stalk her (as it would bring more pain than relief). I am just really bad at keeping my thoughts in control and I dream of her pretty much every night causing me to wake up empty each day. I have been quite active in getting through this period, searching up tonnes of information, talking to a lot of people (friends, family, some strangers even), desperately trying to keep myself occupied (games, guitar, socializing with people), trying to really grow from this experience instead of it bringing me down. But each moment I sit still my mind immediatly goes back to her, and I am starting to get extremely tired at this point and am afraid I might crack and break my NC. I am trying to change my future plans greatly, as I honestly believed she was the one for me, so I saw us growing old untill the end of the line. At this point, I believe that will not happen any longer, yet the images remain.

As I desire to get over this I have my eyes on the future, yet it feels like my mind is in the past and my heart is just torn in the present.

It seems it needs time, as my hurt feelings just need time to heal, but it just gets so exhausting at this point.

It seems the dumper always moves on so quickly, isn't it?

I'm in a very similar boat as you, except that my relationship was a few years longer and the motives/general context were different. When you talk about the emptiness, about dreaming of her all nights... it's all too familiar to me. They move on, we suffer. That's how it is.

All I can say is: don't break NC, ever. No reason is good enough for breaking NC and there's nothing to be gained from recontacting her. You might discover even more things you wouldn't like. You were also forward-thinking in telling mutual friends to not share any detail about her with you. Think about this: if you'd contact her now, your healing process would have to be restarted almost from zero. If she wants to come back, she'll have to get back to you, not the opposite. And even in that case, I would think about it very thoroughly.

I would like to be more encouraging but, again, I'm going through pretty much the same thing. As they say, time heals everything, we just need to have patience and stay strong until things get better.

Aye, definitely seems like it. Very difficult thing to deal with.

Kind words are good encouragement, thanks You are completely right about NC and her getting back to me. Definitely will think very thoroughly, but at this point my answer is 'no' seeing as I am not over the pain which in my head means it will go end in a breakup again.

Also wishing you all the strength, patience seems so very difficult in these moments.

Well, maybe you can find a glimmer of hope despite the circumstances

Well, maybe you can find a glimmer of hope despite the circumstances

True, it did show me that unknowningly I created a very good and positive environment. 3 really good friends who I could call on a whim to ask for help and support, supporting and loving family, very understanding colleagues and boss. Motivation to get some old regrets out of my life, things I haven't done before. Also a better sense of self, so yeah in a way it did show me a couple of very nice things which I didn't really see properly before. As I honestly believe, I do have a lot of good going for me, which I haven't lost and will not lose at this point.

Also I just did a very small work out and guitar-playing to clear my head a bit

Does anybody have some tips and tricks for those thoughts? I've been doing some things alone as I want to get used to doing stuff on my own again, which I had done before the relationship. The thoughts keep distracting me from the present, and most of the times the associations are so minor it is almost insane, for example a rule 'No highheels or jewelry' 'oh god she always wore highheels, and I gave her jewelry'. 'Hey the initials of that person are exactly the same as hers'. Of course there were also the stronger ones which I think are not that crazy, walking past a park where we went to a couple of times and had picknicks or activities we planned to do together.

I now have a lot of free time these two weeks because we had planned to go on a vacation together, which we cancelled due to the breakup.

Also I am a bit scared to bump into her, so I am quite on edge whenever I get out of the house.

Does anybody know somethings that might help with reducing the thoughts and posisbly the anxiety of bumping into her?

Actively being busy with it all it seems that my thoughts of her are become disassociated with having somebody in your life. Sharing things etc all seem more of a desire instead of the desire or thoughts of her.

I listened to 'our song' and it didn't faze me. I had a small item, a silver plectrum engraved with a sentence from that song, which she gave me for my birthday once and I eventually saw it as a small token which symbolizes our love for each other. It's a plectrum to me now with some history on it.

Definitely not going further than this, but these small things do not create the anxiety they did before.

I am also slowly realizing that the chances of reconciliation might not be something I should be aiming for or hoping for as they will drag me down and might keep my eyes from a potential new partner whos a better fit for me.

Still not there, but it definitely seems like I am getting better.

Ok I am going to reclaim this thread For myself. I cannot start a journal, but dammit I want a thread to vent my own thoughts and ideas. So I am going to do it here!

It all goes back a long long way, when I was a baby..... So we reach the end of 2013, I was still getting over my 'first love', aye it took me long to have my first relationship. But when I did, I stuck with it for 1.5 years. Ah was that a tough one, I was blind stupid and an idiot. I completely neglected my own needs and I gave myself to someone, who did care for me but just was not that into to me.. That sucks I tell you, the breakup was bad. I did everything wrong that you could do wrong, and after 6 months I had finally started letting go. That's when I met my ex-gf (recently ex). Well actually she met me before I actually met her. I was sh*t-face drunk. Somebody challenged me to take a picture with some girl and I said 'cool' so the first girl walks in and I yell in her face 'WE ARE GOING TO TAKE A PICTURE TOGETHER!!!!' Immediatly slap an arm around her, smile and picture is taken. 'Thank you!' and off I went. That's how she met me.

Two weeks later, I see a guy I know at the bar and come in like a madmen again 'Yoooo!' not even drunk this time. And who's standing there next to him, quite a nice girl. She recognizes me, I do not recognize her. Well that night we hooked up and it was hella-fun. So much fun (yeah we dated a bit in between) we created a relationship out of it lasting 3.5 years. So the first year was nice, we were together pretty much every day. We had a blast together, of course also fall-out and everything. But it was all good. Stuck together like glue.

Now I had the worst year in my college, I started my masters and my first internship was hell. It s*cked, and it was aweful. I went completely of the rockers at that point. Eventually it burned me up completely. The next year was tough, I got hit by a depression and just needed time to get through it. She helped me through it a lot, and we survived that. Despite the many times we could have broken up, I never wanted to. So it never really happened.

One year goes by, everything is going good. My thesis went great, my last internship was awesome and landed me a job. However this job was a bit tougher than I expected, not due to time or stress. But because I have to work with patients, seeing a child of 7 with a brain-tumor... no fun mates. No fun at all. This stress triggered the depression a bit and I was in a 'yes-no' depression limbo. Almost not there. Now when I get depressed I get rationale, like crazy rationale. It has been my defense-mechanism since a young age. And her first ex was a horendous guy, with physical and verbal abuse. I had to take some punches from that, even 2 literal onces (not cool, I never accept that. And the conversation is always dead as soon as that happens). Those weren't hard, it's the principle. I have done a lot of martial arts, I can take a hit. I never ever hit back. I hit a wall though, hurt like hell... But in my low-point I said, should you not see a therapist. She already had help before, but I thought she never really tackled the real source. She thought of a lot of things that could be it, I simply kept pointing at the same thing. Sure enough, I was right. Post-traumatic stress disorder from that ex. Ok nice now we have something to work with.

But no, it only went down hill from there. In my work my father volunteerd as a participant for a study. Unfortunately I found something that could possible be a brain disorder. Man that s*cked.... After 4 months I heard it was nothing. In those 4 months, my aunt died (68 years old, she just collapsed and was gone). One who helped raise me, and was like a grand-mother to me were all others had passed before I was born. After that a neighbour who we had tight contact with was diagnosed with Alzheimer and was rapidly declining. All the while, my ex was going deeper and deeper in therapy. Her way of dealing with it was by working like crazy. And all I saw was more and more distance, while my life was falling apart around me. I was fighting tooth and nail to not fall for the darkness that had captured me before. I fought like crazy to keep the connection, eventually becoming to harsh. As every promise she made to put effort in was broken at some point. Mostly after a couple of days. This annoyed me, I didn't want to make appointments to see each other, we bloody llived together! I didn't want to sit there and wait untill I could get affection. This all happened within 6 months... hell yea 2017! GO FU*K YOURSELF!!!

So at some point it took it's toll, at some point I had had enough. She was at a friend's house as that friend was having 'guy' problems (her boyfriend is actually called Guy) and my ex said she'd be home. She called me to apoligize, but I was too upset and angry to accept it. I told her to just be there and leave me alone for now. I wrote a letter stating I was sick and tired of this situation and that if things did not turn around we might have to call it quits. But she never took the effort to turn it around, when I came home she told me 'I read your letter, so you might not be surprised I am breaking up' I asked 'have you read it carefully? Because that's not what I intend with it' her response 'I had already decided I had to do this yesterday'. She wanted to leave immediatly, told me I had time to get my stuff and get out of the house (she rented it, I just lived there with her as shared space, no problem I had enough places to go). I am not proud of this, but it has been the only time I used my physical advantage to stop her 'You cannot just breakup and leave without giving me a bloody reason!' I found it unacceptable to breakup and leave immediatly, I found it disrespectful towards me and the whole relationship we had. We had an argument and eventually she started crying saying she needed to deal with her problems alone without me as collateral damage. I didn't care, because I thought that is what couples have to go through. Eventually after a long argument I gave up on trying to win her back and let her leave. I was not proud, I was ashamed, broken and messed up. I immediatly started packing, at which point the doorbell rang. It was my father, apparently my ex called him to tell them she broke up and she was worried about me. It was a good sight for sore eyes.

The following day I asked my ex to call me, she did. I apoligized for my reaction, as I saw I needed to do that. It wasn't easy for her today, and my reaction made it even worse. She thanked me for it, and I asked her if she really would stick to it. She said yes, I wished her the best and told her that if she got out of it that I hoped our paths would meet again and we would be together again. After that I moved out and in with my parents (where I still stay at this moment).

The first three days were complete and utter shock. I worked on auto-pilot, even had a patient that week (I am actually a researcher, not a doctor). I cleaned my room like a madmen, threw away everything that I didn't need. Gathered everything of my ex and kept it in a bag. We had some contact as we had a vacation booked which we needed to cancel. We had some finances to take care of. But we rarely spoke about feelings at this point. In these three days she sent me a text explaining a bit more about her reasons. Saying that she still cared for me, and that she didn't do it because she did not love me. The exact opposite actually, but that I just doesn't work right now. That she really has to work on this herself and alone and start breaking patterns she was in. And she needed the energy for herself. I accepted the reasons, it provided me some solace at that point. But again, looking back I still find it a bit of BS. but well, it's all I have.

The next week was my birthday, yeeeey. My exes make it a habit to breakup before just my birthday! C*nts. She congratulated me, we had a very very brief talk. Just formal.

Now when the shock passed, I had a cleaned up room. I was heartbroken and I felt the pain. I sat down in a chair in my room which was finally cleaned. That's when I said to myself, well we have to options mate. Last time you went drinking, partying, f*cking about and went absolute mental. You ran away from it all, but do you remember what happened? After 6 months you were still dealing with it. Or we can man up and go straight through this son of a predicement. I decided the latter will hurt like hell, but will be worth it. That's when I completely went in like the madmen I would have done otherwise. How mad you ask?!

Well 100's of articles about dealing with grief, heartbreak and dealing with this type of . 100's of videos on the same subject. All kind of self-love videos to be my own friend. I have post-its on my wall with all types of quotes and statements! My wall was full of them! They hang there as long as the feeling was there 'Scream when angry!!!! Cry when sad!' 'Focus on yourself not her' 'Work on this' 'This you can better' and all quotes about heartbreak and positive quotes to keep going 'You fought before, you've done worse before!'. What more? I typed many many things about the breakup. I had a couple of documents 'Sadness' 'Anger' 'Hope' 'Love' in which I wrote small paragraphes in that theme whenever I felt like it. I wrote apology letters about everything I did wrong. Multiple times over, I stalked her FB like crazy. I even went to instagram where I had never been before!!. I was going mad!

I shouted in the car like crazy, I cried in the car, I sang my heart out. At one time I pulled over and had the most manic laughter you can think off. I cried and laughed at the same time! I went to my martial arts and punched a bag untill my hands bled, only even hurt my wrist doing it. Then I started kicking it.

I went out, danced like a maniac. Started a dancefloor, danced with 4 different girls. They actually all came to me. Something about not giving a f***. I got cheeky with pretty much everybody.

The first week was just stay strong and get through it. Making plans and keep going, I told everybody who would listen about it. I told all my colleageus, whom all took it awesomely! Giving sympathy and telling me they wouldn't worry about me performing less as they knew I would always do my best and even less than that was great. Some asked me how I was, others just kept acting nicely. I started to really see what a great working environment I had. Even my boss told me that if I ever needed help or anything we could arrange something. I only had to be away from job for 1 day. All other days I worked, and I loved every minute it of it as it kept me going.

That one day was for counselling, I was in therapy but I changed the subject. The counsellor is the same one as my ex has. She had only recently figured out we were a couple. But she helped me a lot. We wanted a conversation with everybody, but my ex would have none of it. A complete harsh and angry wall, but that's also emotions. It doesn't matter that was my reason to go NC. That is 50 days ago (yeeeeey boy! chocolate treats for me).

Now I know this is a bit disjointed rambling. But I will put it all in weeks in the next post.

First week

As I mentioned the first few days were total shock. Some small contact, about really being certain of it. A bit more explanation. Determination building to get over this. To deal with this head on, grab it by the horns and wrestle. Take the pain, let it go! I told myself 'I can deal with this! I've dealt with it before and I can do it again! Better!'. A cleaned up everything and I started doing the works. I wasn't alone at all for that time. Always with family, at work or at the gym. Not a minute alone.

I slept like sh*t, I took some sleeping pills but kept awake through them. I cried a lot and the empty bed was just killing me. At some times I even wondered if I could really do this, then I said to myself 'yes you can, you must, believe yourself'. Conflict and chaos in my head was just crazy. I was thinking about so many things. I tried unfollowing, then following. I looked the whole time at FB wondering if she'd send me a message saying 'I am sorry, I am wrong' nothing happened.

The turmoil in the first week was immense! It thought it was the end of my world. But I kept telling myself, you breath you'll live.

Second week

Now the things got tough. The reality really kicked in. Denial was absent, as I did not see it working for me. I had no other choice but to face this ordeal head on. I knew I could run away and drink as I saw fit. But I knew that this would only get worse. Sure enough, I drank a bit and it hurt like hell. I couldn't handle the pain. In a weakness I reached out. She responded nicely, nothing bad. I said sorry the next day, as I knew I trespassed again. She needed her time and space. I went out and danced like crazy. I thought I'll have fun on my own. I kept up training and even went more often. I kept working and stayed as long as I could. But I just wasn't there. My mind was occupied, I couldn't stop thinking. My nights were hard, sleep was ty and every morning I woke up empty. I just lay there, not knowing what to do. As I said previously normally I become very rational. But even this time my mind was not on my side. I was broken completely. My emotions rampid, my mind in conflict. I had nowhere to turn.

Food at my birthday was fine though... still not there.

Third week

That's went it reached the lowest point. I was at home alone for the first time. And that's when I became mental, I wanted to reach out. I wanted to talk, but couldn't. My mind was going mental, saying things like 'It's over, but it could start again' etc. The conflict became too much, my emotions went completely wild. And I felt myself going actually crazy. I had my first ever panic attack. I did not know what to do, and in fear and panic I took my phone and dialed a good friend. I asked 'Where are you?' at home he said why? 'I got dumped recently and I am having a panic attack. I need help' Fu*k man, I see you in a bit then!

I stayed at his place that weekend, we drank a couple of beers talked about it, played games and it gave some solace. Despite again feeling like an empty shell. At night he asked if I was sure I could go home. I said not really, he offered me to sleep there. Thank god he did, I couldn't have handled being alone. I needed people around me.

At had some contact with my ex as wel. It was the first time we talked a bit more about feelings, and she stated she still loved me. I told her I loved her still and missed her. But she said it wouldn't work now. We left it at that.

I called my counsellor as I could not live with these panic attacks and my mind not being my friend. I had no more grips on reality. In a drunk haze I kissed with someone from my gym. Not that smart to be honest... It did exactly what I expected, I felt ashamed and desired my ex even more. I walked pass her house. I did nothing, just walked on.

Fourth week

My ex had a mental weekend, she went to paris, got a tattoo, piercings and a car in the span of 4 days. I unfollowed her on FB, and said no more looking at instagram. I did not want to know this. But now I knew. She asked for the keys back, I did not have the energy yet to give them back. But I said fine and did it. I had my first talk with my counsellor, she asked if I wanted a conversation there with my ex present. I agreed, unfortunately my ex did not desire it and just shut me down. After an argument we came nowhere. I gave up and went No contact, out of sheer self protection. But do not think I cried, I was furious! I did not deserve this blatant disrespect! I went mental. And for the first time in weeks I felt something of myself return. I was angry for a whole week. Nobody should've offended me lest he had a fight. Nobody did, possibly because of my face. But it was an attempt to regain control, and I did regain some control. My mind snapped and went back to my side. It agreed that it was over and we needed to deal with it. Stop causing internal conflict. I stopped assuming things, I tried to stop fantasizing about things. I would stop interpreting her actions and stated: 'There are facts and thoughts, thoughts are not interesting. But the facts I know. It's over, we broke up and I am hurt by it. I need to deal with this pain, that's all the facts I need'.

For the first time in weeks I actually got work done, be it due to hatred fueled motivation. I also decied to not stalk anymore.

Fifth week

I failed in not stalking, she started working out. F*ck... Now I've had been as fit as I was when I was 19 years old (which was quite fit, sporting 3-4 times a week). But it only made her more attractive, but I desired it so much to stalk. I said you do? You certain you're not going to like it you idiot! but fine do it! And thus I did. I did not like it. Therefore, I went on an association hunt. I went out and walked through the town, past pretty much all the places we've ever had dates at. And I said 'Well true you were here with your ex, but remember there. You were a child and this and that'. I've lived in this city my whole life! Only a couple of years were with my ex. The others were without. This is my city!

After that I strengthened the resolve to not look up anything. And I haven't ever since.

I helped that friend move who helped me when I crashed down. It was fun. I had already read a lot about breaking up and coping with it. I had made a lot of plans, also to get my ex back. But all with all I decided I needed to do this for me and only me.

The first 5 weeks I've struggled hard and long with it all. I let every single small feeling go. I was honest with every person I knew. I started calling her my ex from day 1, to drive home the point. Every day I would tell myself, accept it accept it. Deal with it deal with it. You can do this. Every week I changed the post its to reflect my current state. To keep me going. I kept count of the days I had no contact. I told all my friends, I approached anybody I could talk to whenever I could. Just because I can.

Sixth week

Now things were looking for the better. Compared to the first week, the chaos was less. My mind was back on my side, my feelings were clearer and I had plans. I still did not feel anything about leaving it all behind. I still hoped for my ex back. I kept on getting counselling, I kept training and working. And I wasn't alone at all yet. Every moment I was alone I would look up videos and articles. I read almost everything. I started thinking of things I did wrong and could improve. I started working on that. I kept doing the work.

Seventh week

Somewhere around this time I went golfing with a mutual friend, he told me she found peace with her decision. I interpreted this as accepted it, but I think I am wrong with that. She merely found peace in that she thinks this was really for the best. Apparently my no contact kind of work as well as not posting anything on FB as she was wondering how I was doing. That is something right. But she had been travelling a lot apparently. I already knew a couple of this trips when we still had a relationship.

It didn't matter, I had my world. She had hers. I just wanted to stop having these worlds collide. I went the extra mile and blocked her on FB. then Unblocked, but she was unfriended which was good enough. She never blocked me. I had unfollowed all her friends already, so I unfriended a couple of the main-friends as well. I need not see that.

I started making plans for what I wanted to do. What are my maingoals in life? I also made a list of my core characteristics and my pillars in life. Sport, music and intellectual work. Never again will these pillars falter and from now on I will always nourish these pillars. I will believe this positive character traits.

This week my counsellor also told me there might be one repressed emotion. I did right by leaving the others free, but there was one I had surpressed. I could not reach it, even if I wanted to. It was my broken love, the betrayed heart. It burned inside, as soon as I acknowledged it I started becoming extremely stressed. My body was physically fighting the feeling, my eyes got foggy, my hands started shaking, restless legs, everything. My mind started fighting it immediatly as it knew it could cripple me. This was the one thing I needed to work on. Accept that my love was betrayed, my heart was broken. So at home I did, I curled up like a little ball of sadness and cried untill it physically hurt. Oh the pain was immense. After that it returned many times. I wore sunglasses a lot, so I could cry in public. Which is nice.

Now after this, I really started healing. I came her and talked a lot about it all. There is so much I have done it is hard to recall it all. But I will tell you, that by doing the work and putting in the effort. I reached my goal of healing really fast. I do not think I missed anything. I will write all the techniques I used later on. I made a small manual for myself anyhow.

That's the majority of my journal up till now. I will start writting a bit more of the last two weeks. and this week soon.

Eight and ninth week

Now this was fun. The weekend I flew to Spain and back again, just for a day. Decadent! A party of friends of my parents for there 25th anniversary. Man we got sh*t-faced drunk with people above 50. It was hilarious. We hung around the pool the whole time, did absolutely nothing. And laughed our asses off. Beautiful! After that back to work for a while, because the other weekend (that was the week my ex and I had a vacation planned) I went to Edinburgh with my father. While I was still quite absent, it was still fun and a lot relaxation. I saw beautifull sights and it gave me some more perspective. Life isn't all bad, there are just times when you are low. But the world is beautifull and will remain that way for a while longer. After that my father had an operation as they had found a small tumor in one gland.

Now I had a lot of free time on my hands. I actually started to have a lot of alone time. Sometimes it s*cked so much, it only made me miss her more. I had more hope and more hope. I got stressed whenever I did anything fun, because we could have done that together. I went to drink with a friend that weekend, he was so stupid to tell me my ex was leaving for the US for 3 months. I got instantly anxious and it ruined my whole mood. But I went rappling and in free-falling (in a tunnel) so that was awesome. For the rest I kept looking at things for myself and started learning to meditate. My gym closed down so I could no longer sport.

I kept going to the bar around the corner, I've been a regular the last two months. I know a couple of the bar-personel by now. They are really nice, and there are also a lot of other people around. I talk to a lot of people men and women alike. Sometimes I get some attention here and there from women, I just never really take it further. But it is nice knowing the attention.

Week 10 (stopping this now)

Back to work again, thank god. I liked the vacation a bit, but it was too long. Too much time for myself. I did get used to being alone again. My thoughts about my ex became less as well. I started to distinguish when my thoughts are about my ex and when they are about the breakup and my own feelings. Whenever the focusses shifted I could bring it back again. Anxiety was reduced and the emotions were less. I actually noticed significant difference compared to the first week. Now I am still impatient and very much pinning for reconciliation, but I can keep the urges and everything in control. I have desired to heal and not to sabotage that healing process.

Current week

I got sick so it was a bit less. I did have a little set-back, but I also had some nice progress. My dreams of my ex are almost gone, no more of that stuff. I am slowly accepting that I have to move forward, to leave this all in the past. I am slowly accepting that I will never see her again and we might never get back together. I am also slowly starting to accept that she might be with another. My eyes are focussed on my own future and are looking forward to when I can start them really. I need to wait untill september for the gym to open then we can train for black belt Judo. I can train for a higher belt jiu jitsu. I want to start living on my own again, and I friend of mine texted me last week he was thinking of moving out of his current house and was looking for someone else to live with. A project I accepted may just become a scientific publication and I could get on it as well. I got offered and extention of my current job, so I will get some more hours!

Things are looking better for me!

I had a flair of hope to get back, it is the one thing I haven't managed to get over yet. But my heart is still hurt, it has become less but still there is pain. I still care, I would have still wished her back. 50 days of NC really did wonders, not knowing anything. Not constantly getting rejected or keeping hope up really works. I am able to really focus on myself. I haven't stalked of a month as well. As I said to myself, 'If you ever get back together and she starts telling you about this stuff, you want to genuinely be surprised! You cannot act that, you know how sh*tty an actor you are'. Thus if I want to know anything about her life and her, I have but one option. Contact directly, which I am not going to do as it will sabotage my own healing. So that means no stalking!

I have completely gotten rid of anything. And I have reduced my time talking about my ex irl. Now I might also start reducing it here as well at some point. Just keep a journal every week.

For anybody who read the whole thing, I sympathize with you. Man, you have discipline and resilience to go through all that cr*p! But also know that you can read through all that, you can see there is progress. Things will change! Things will get better! Trust me when I tell you it, read the story and you will know it is possible. I've had my ups and downs, and I have fought really hard, but it is always worth it. Because life is worth living!

And I will write down all the things I have done and what effect they had for me.

I might surrender my conquest to reconcile. I will let it all go and I will do the things that provide me the fullfilement I desire. I still hope, I still desire it. But I believe it is holding me back now, it is keeping me from really getting to the next step.

The next step for me is to become protected, be it through indifference or a good wall of protection. But I do not want to be hurt about the breakup, I do not want to be sickened by her being with another, I want to be able to love another if I so desire that, but I also want to be free from my past hurts so I can create new hurts.

I do not want to be hurt forever, I want to have new feelings, new emotions and new experiences. New hopes, new angers, new pain, and new conflict. I want to look forward, not backwards or presently. My eyes were always on the future and where I wanted to go. But the last couple of months they were on the here and now. I want to move out, I want to live my life. I want to go out and do things without being afraid to bump into my ex. I want to drink without having to leave my phone at home or being disciplined. I want to be freed of these fantasies and hopes.

I want to be free, free to live my life.

I also believe that if I would see my ex and I would be in that position, she will fall for me again. Because that's the man she fell in love with. A guy who was free to what he wanted, not afraid to lose what he had, ambitious enough to gain whatever he could get, not afraid to move, not afraid to get hurt or rejected. If we ever have a chance at reconciling, I need to leave that want and desire.

I am not giving up, I am not giving in. I am just surrendering to chance. I have always believed our lives are not governed by a higher entity, but merely by the laws of chance. The combination of chances makes events happen. The chances that we might meet again are hidden. As there are too many variables, but it might happen. And that might happen should be enough to accept that I need to let go, for that might happen to actually happen.

Because we will not meet when I am too afraid to bump into her, we will not reconcile if I will freeze when I see her, we will not get back together if I will immediatly jump her bones if I see her. I will not have her ever again, if I immediatly blurt out 'I love you still!'. Or get angry when she has another. I will drive her into his arms.

I almost never say this, as I normally struggle to the very end and beyond. But I will stop fighting reality

Oh my god! We're in the same boat dear. Even I write daily here on ENA. I read your first page, and I am glad I stumbled upon.

My thread:

I am going to read your every thread now. Perhaps, it'll motivate me to keep moving forward.

Ah oh the things I’ve tried. I read so many articles, watched videos, talked to pretty much anybody who would listen. I was this obsessed!

So what did I find in my journey? A hell of a lot. But one major revelation I would like to share before you read this post.

Everybody is different, and all our situations are different. While we can look at each other and learn from one another, that does not mean that what works for another will work for you. Therefore, read these things and think for yourself if this will be helpful to you. Also you need to try multiple things before you find things that work for you.

BE KIND to yourself

This is the most important one I can tell you. It is difficult, we will scrutinize every little mistake we might have made. Go completely mental thinking ‘Oh god, if only I had done that or this’. Well tough to break it to you, but breakups aren’t so easy to reduce to a single aspect. It is good to learn from your mistakes, and I would encourage you to do that. But later on.

First off you need to love yourself right now. Whenever there were thoughts that reduced my state or self-worth I would shut them out immediately. Thoughts like ‘You were pathetic for thinking you’d be together forever’ Well what else was I suppose to do? Act as if it would breakup, self-fullfilling prophecy.

So yes, be kind. You need to be your own friend and lover now. Because you deserve it.

Forgive yourself

We cannot change the past, and beating ourselves up will not change it either. We need to accept things happened, forgive yourself for what you perceive are your mistakes. Also write these down. At some point you might find a large overlapping theme that will help you grow. Confidence, self-worth or self-esteem, anxieties. Doesn’t matter you might find something that you can work on.

Work on yourself

Hehe, yes it is now time to work on yourself. I saw it like this, you are broken (or atleast it feels like it) this is the perfect time to pick up the pieces. You need to do it anyhow, but you also examine every piece you find. Is this something I still desire? Do I still want this in my life? Why did I even do this?

All these questions can show you traits you desire or wish to get rid of. Also make not of this. Because you want to work on this.

Get ready to grief

You’ve lost someone dearly, so get ready to grief that. Go through this pain, as there is no shortcut. No smart way around it. The fastest way to move forward and through a breakup is to go straight through. You’ll be hurt and it is going to be tough, but believe me it is worth it.

Conflict provides growth. You no longer wish to stay in this position, so use that energy to grow.

Get healing

After you've grieved the loss, comes the healing process. You are hurt immensely and you will have pain a lot longer. There is no deadline or time limit, just time needs to tick away. And make sure you go through all the emotions that are hurt. The only way to heal them is give them space.

But as time is ticking away, we do not want to sit idle. So are there practical things that can help you navigate this turmoilish sea?! Hell yes!!! Coming up...

Thanks loip*. I read every word.

The act of having to move my stuff out just yesterday whilst my youngest stepson clung on to me has me writhing in pain today and sobbing every 2-3 hours...

Our stories are almost identical. My (ex)wife told me she still loved me and cared about me...as she helped load the trailer

So I am on Day 1...

I've been through this before so I know I'll be ok eventually.

From my previous EXperiences I also was able to avoid the begging and pleading stage this time around...

It feels surreal...but somehow it's actually not.

It's 3am here. Sleep escapes me.

I hope you will make a few more posts. It helps to know that someone else has gone through, or is still going through, such a similar situation to me...

Many Regards

Carus*

Practical tips

Talk about it

I talked with pretty much anybody who would listen. Giving me many different perspectives, but also providing me with an outlet. I told my colleagues at work immediately, I stayed with family for a long time (I also lost my house. Yeeey) and talked with friends. This is your time to be selfish. So talk whenever you feel like it.

One word of caution, try to roulette the people you talk to. You do not wish to annoy your friends and family.

Write about it

I made a document titled for each grieving stage. You will go through each of these stages in cycles. It is not linear! So one day you are sad, another angry. At first this might even be every hour another emotion. But I remembered what bothered me at one moment and wrote it down. I kept it in those documents.

Your head is in complete turmoil right now and you feel as if you have no footing. You are free-falling like crazy and the ground is nowhere near. To gain some footing in this maelstrom I found that writing my thoughts down got them out of my head. Also it provided me with insight as to what I was feeling.

Create distance

With this I mean, make sure you create distance between your ex and you. No social media or anything. Do not stalk! It will only give you pain and shame, not the relief you so desire. Remember that.

Also avoid any place where you might accidently or ‘accidently’ bump into your ex. That will destroy you now.

Communication with the ex

Most people will tell you to go no contact. Do not call, or anything. And I am on this side with most people as well. No contact is NOT a tactic to regain your ex. It is for YOU and YOU alone. To heal yourself. But if you wish to reconcile you might want to respond nicely IF your ex reaches out. If you truly desire to keep no contact going you might inform your ex that you need time and space and would appreciate it if they would not contact you for now. You’ll get back with them later.

However, in some cases you need reduced contact. These are when you work together or have children. You want to reduce the contact to a minimum and want to keep it very formal. Nothing about feelings whatsoever. No need to know more than necessary. Make agreements with your ex for reduced contact and honour them, decide as well through which you communicate.

Clean up

Clean up your room and environment. Get rid of memories and anything that triggers those nostalgic feelings. You have enough feelings and thoughts in your head. No need to have them in your environment. Put everything in a box.

Make backups of your computer on a usb or disk and throw that in the box as well. Remove all fun loving photo’s of your ex. Get rid of it all.

Write down their contact information and remove it all! Put this in the box as well.

Now your direct environment is ex-free. Great you can live easy now.

Scream and shout

Now this one works for each emotion more or less. Whenever I was in the car (alone) I sometimes had this urge to just shout really loudly. From the top of my lungs I would go Ffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu*k!!!! To release the frustration and anger for it ending. To release sadness for it ending. It helped temporarily relief that frustration.

Talk to yourself

Aye now you are crazy! I talked to myself. I started to talk out-loud whenever I was alone, sometimes sweet, sometimes angry. Why? Well again it got my thoughts out. Instead of staying in my head I would focus on what I said. I would become angry and start cursing and yelling more or started crying. It didn’t matter, I got it all out.

Meditation

Granted I only recently learned this, but it is actually a nice way to reduce anxiety and to possibly get some solace from those invasive thoughts. It gives your mind some rest.

You can tackle this in a couple of ways:

1) Take a pen and paper and whatever pops in your head, write it down. This allows you to let go of the thought.

2) Basic meditation; 4 counts breathing in, 4 counts holding, 4 out.

3) Guided meditation; there are a lot of these on youtube. And they can help find some hidden emotions if needed

Grab a method working for you. Just do it, do not try. It takes practice to get better. It is a skill. Similarly, you cannot pick up a guitar and suddenly be a Jimi Hendrixx, well same goes here. You do not learn it overnight.

Set goals

Set long-term and short-term goals. Make them simple. Achieving goals is a little boost of confidence and fulfilment. This feeling is awesome and helps you to get somewhere. Long-term goals make you able to look further ahead, making you look into a future.

Will it help you?

Now this is a sentence I wrote on my hand for a while. Because whenever I would want to do something I needed to contemplate if it would help me. What do I benefit? While this sounds selfish, it is not. It is merely protecting yourself. You are taking into account if an action has some benefit for you. This is a very broad one and especially if I got drunk I would write this down. Because…

Lean on innocent

Now this one I liked, it is quite simple. Do not indulge the vices of life on your lowest point. You are on rock-bottom right now. By taking alcohol you might wallow in this rock-bottom for a long time and you might make mistakes which you rather not have made.

Also going one-night stands or f*cking around did not work for me. Some people swear by it, but in my eyes you are currently obsessed about your ex. Everybody is compared to them. If you have a one-night stand you will feel awesome DURING (or maybe not even) but afterwards. Oh that’s when you crash big time. You might feel ashamed, empty and even dirty, but worst of all. You now lie next to someone who doesn’t love you, you have to leave a bed and return to an empty one yet again. You will be reminded greatly of what you’ve lost! Your ex and the love they gave you. You’ll crash harder.

At least that is what happened to me long ago, so I am not doing it!

Also whenever you go out and drink you will see the worst in people. Drunk people are bad, and currently your world-view is shattered as hell already. No need to break it further.

So try to be innocent for a while, you are fragile and easily abused right now.

Quotes/post its

As I said, mental a bit. But I wrote on a multitude of post its anything that I needed to keep in mind and hang them in full view. ‘Will it help you?’ ‘Be your own friend’ ‘Let time and space be your friend’ ‘Let no contact scream your change’ ‘Keep your distance’ ‘Stalking will only give you shame, not the relief you seek’ ‘If you want to know anything ask your ex, do not stalk.’

Anything like that (the last one I did because I do not want to break no contact and by linking stalking and no contact I also keep away from it). Also things like ‘You’ll cry, you’ll be angry, you’ll bargain and over and over again’

These phrases were to show me time and time again whenever I got lost where I was AND where I wanted to go! So ‘Time helps you, No contact heals you!’ ‘I want to heal my heart’ ‘Self-betterment, improve ….’ ‘Projects/Goals etc. Or the reason for the breakup. Anything doesn’t matter.

The goal here is to make sure that whenever you get low you can look up and see all these quotes and search for an answer on your current state.

Similarly, I had papers full of quotes and statements about my personality or keeping strong. My desk was/is a mess of papers and everywhere there were papers full of quotes about dealing with the pain and to give positive energy. ‘I can do this, I WILL DO THIS’ ‘I am strong enough to get through this’ ‘I will find love again’ ‘I will live my life without her’. Anything doesn’t matter, to make sure that I accept the pain and keep going forward.

Attention from your sex of preference

Now I said earlier, ‘lean innocent’ but do not shy away from the sex you are attracted to. Go on and have a conversation, look around if you like. It doesn’t matter. If you get attention do not run away, embrace it for now. It will show you that there ARE other people around and you ARE attractive enough to be talked to. I haven’t done anything except kissing with people, but that is fine as it gave me the confidence boost I needed. BUT again I also was a bit ashamed and I remembered at some point who I really wanted to kiss. That’s when I stopped that myself.

But I still like the attention and conversations.

Exercise

I am a sportive person, thus I required this greatly. I went training 3 times a week and on the other days I would train at home a bit. Move and work out. Exercise will give you what you need to get some stress out. Take a hike, or cycle a bit. It doesn’t matter, but try to move. It relaxes your head.

Let it all flow

This one was hard for me, I wanted to work on this a lot. But at some point you need to surrender to the process and let it flow. You need to also let your emotions flow. There is no use in surpressing them. There is no use in fighting them. Resist them and you empower them.

This is really difficult, but if you let your thoughts, feeling and emotions flow you might not fall into the obsessive thinking or emotional problems. You can greatly speed up your recovery with this.

Acceptance

Not the acceptance of the breakup, but acceptance of your current predicament. You are hurt, you are in pain, you are in a sh*thole. But if you keep denying that you are in it, you do not face the problem. So Face your fears and emotions head on! Because that way you can really start dealing with it.

Also accept that you will most likely not be yourself for some time. Also that your thoughts are going to be obsessive and you will think of many many things.

Find yourself

As I said earlier, this is the time to really re-built yourself. Make a list of positive character traits and your pillars. Traits like ‘intelligent, loving, caring, friendly, social, hard-working’ etc. These are traits you have and should be celebrated. If you feel down read this to yourself. You might get some confidence.

Also try to find your pillars. These pillars is it what makes you you, your identity. What is it that truly makes you tick? What categories? I for example have ‘Sport, Music and Intelligent work’.

I have done so many sports in my life. Judo since 6 with some breaks. Snowboarding, surfing, skating, climbing, tennis, swimming, fencing etc. etc. I did so many things. This is essential to me.

Music I am a guitar and bass player and I listen to music daily pretty much from waking to sleeping.

Intelligent work, I am a scientist and have my master’s degree in neuroscience. I love doing anything that develops me further here.

And a simple vow to complete it:

These are my pillars, this is what makes me tick. And If these pillars would ever fall so would I too come to ruin. Therefore, I will never neglect these pillars. They are sacred to me and my well-being.

Find yourself now, because you have lost a part of your identity at least that is what makes it hurt as well. Because you not only lost your ex, but also a part of you. Because at some point you might integrate your ex into your identity. Because you are the ‘gf/bf of ….’. This is now lost as well.

Self-affirmations

As I said earlier quotes and such, you can use this to affirm to yourself you are lovable. Repeat these daily to let them sink in. Also language is very important. Stop calling them your significant other, or bf/gf. They are your ex. That’s reality. Also you might want to refrain from using their actual name. Unless you want to distinguish between exes. Otherwise, no need. I even called my exes at one point ‘the first ex, or second ex’.

Distraction

Game, read books, watch TV shows, have fun with whatever you can get. You need to be distracted, do what you love doing.

No deadlines

You might want to have some deadlines to strife for, but remember it is not a race. You need not rush yourself. During this time it is better to move slowly and deliberately, rather than fast and sloppy. You best get everything dealt with properly would another relationship be healthy.

Date when you feel like it

You need not date immediately, rebounds are not necessary. Sometimes even unadvicable. But again you do what you feel like. So date when you feel like it.

Do as you please

Be selfish, do what you want. Want to drink? Drink a bit, watch out though. Want to skydive? DO IT. Want to shout? Do it. Doesn’t matter do it! Just do not hurt others

Counselling

Now this might help you greatly, not to get your ex back or anything, but to have a place to talk without being judged. It might give you more perspective on whether or not you are properly going through this and it might keep you from getting any mental disorder such as trust issues or depression. Get a counsellor you like and click with and it might help you.

Your mistakes

It takes two to tango, you made mistakes in the past. Forgive yourself for those and learn from them. You cannot fail if you learn from your mistakes. Take what you can and work on it. Because you can go to the next thing.

Self-betterment

Great you found yourself, you know your mistakes and shortcomings. Now it is time to do the work. Truly work on yourself. Get better at things you like. Improve character traits, or aim for what you desire most. Truly start making yourself better. This will feel great.

Get out in nature

The world is beautiful and as time ticks on. So too does the world live on. It doesn’t care about your problems, this might sound harsh. But it also gives perspective. Get out there and you will breath fresh air and see that the world is beautiful and there is so much to live for.

Get out there

I went out pretty much every weekend. Not like clubs or anything, but drink beers with people I sport with. Go to a bar nearby and talk to the staff etc. I would interact with who ever I could. No down time or anything. It is nice being social with people and talking about whatever. Try to do something, be a bit cheeky and have fun!

Hope

Some might say it is bad to hope for your ex back. I do not think that. At first this hope can help you very much. It can help you to move to motivate it. Just like when you want to prove someone wrong really badly. Just do remember one thing, you need to do things you agree with yourself! You need to do it for YOU. If it also happens that your ex might like it, fine do it.

It is right to hope at first, at some point it my change towards hope for a better future or anything. So do not be afraid of it.

So yeah, that’s what I can remember for now. I might figure out I missed some things, and I will return to write those down.

I hope this helps some of you, You can do it, you are strong enough and you will grow from this.

Thanks loip*. I read every word.

 

The act of having to move my stuff out just yesterday whilst my youngest stepson clung on to me has me writhing in pain today and sobbing every 2-3 hours...

 

Our stories are almost identical. My (ex)wife told me she still loved me and cared about me...as she helped load the trailer

 

So I am on Day 1...

 

I've been through this before so I know I'll be ok eventually.

 

From my previous EXperiences I also was able to avoid the begging and pleading stage this time around...

 

It feels surreal...but somehow it's actually not.

 

It's 3am here. Sleep escapes me.

 

I hope you will make a few more posts. It helps to know that someone else has gone through, or is still going through, such a similar situation to me...

 

Many Regards

Carus*

Hehe a lot right

I can only imagine how much you must hurt right now. Having to leave a child is horrible. Also moving out just hits hard, it shows those couple of words are really true and it shows the reality.

Yes it is weird, to hear someone still loves you and cares, but does not want to be with you. Really strange.

Keep that thought in your head, because knowing you will make it through helped me get it into reality.

I know, wasn't able to sleep properly for a long time. The first month I had dreams (not really nightmares) but every time I woke up in shock and emptiness would come over me. As my heart felt empty and heavy. At first I would just lie in bed for 15 minutes eyes wide open, waiting for my mind to wake up so I could deal with the emptiness I felt.

I will keep on posting, I am not over it yet. As you know it is still fresh, but things get better as you know as well. Glad to be of some help

My best wishes and wishing you all the strength in this time.

One more for now. I am exhausted. I've been so obsessed with healing and getting better I believe I broke my sanity button.

I am feeling a bit mental now. But not in a bad way.

I just remembered that at first I was obsessed with my ex, getting her back. Scrutinizing every litlle detail I could find. Constantly making assumptions, but then I realized. These assumptions are just that, assumptions. They do not hold any real value or truth to them. It's just my head going over-analyzing. And they do not serve me one bit, because they either make me fall more in love with my ex (pedestal effect) or make me anxious and down. Therefore, I made the (very sound) decision to stop assuming and deal with the facts. And the facts were simple. 1) The breakup happened, 2) I feel like sh*t after that and I could only feel my emotions.

Those facts are what I could trust, because it happened and is real and I can feel what I feel. Working with that, I had a handle.

But after a while I got obsessed with healing and recovering from this event, unkowningly I linked this obsession with the obsession of my ex. And I thought I was overthinking 24/7 and just couldn't stop. But then I realized, those two things are different.

Being obsessed with healing is good! I'd say it is an awesome way of changing the obsession of your ex into something healthy.

By changing the obsession of your ex to an obsession with healing you are actually putting the focus on you and your feelings. You are telling yourself more or less, my ex is not important enough to obsess about I am more important.

And that is one very important thing! You are more important. More deserving of your own love right now. You are what matters to you! And only 2 things are important to accept, your breakup is real it happened and all your feelings and emotions following there are real and natural and important.

Now I need to rest, my mind is in insanity-mode

I need to acknowledge it, would I wish to see it and keep moving.

I've acknowledged that it's over, you truly are gone and you will not come back. I know this, but I do not feel this. Because I still miss you, I miss you with my whole heart and this weekend I've missed you more than the last weeks combined. It burns and it hurts. While the emptiness faded for a bit, I now wish every day that you'd call me and wanted to speak to me. Wanted to work things out, wanted to give it another shot. But that won't happen, or at least I do not wish to wait for that.

I thought we would be together forever, we would work through everything. I even said to you I thought of us as a team, if the whole world would fail. We would not, we'd stand together and we'd fall together. But you did not share that image apparently. I told you'd stand by your side through these hard times, but you decided you do not need that. You desired freedom over a loving and caring partner. Who you said had done nothing wrong. I cannot understand that you can do everything right, and still lose.

I still love you, even after these couple of months, even after all this pain. I foolishly still love you, it just hurts me now. I still find you in many places within my mind, I can still see your face. I still love to kiss you, hug you, be with you, touch you, talk to you, I want you in my life. But you do not want me in yours. Or at least you say 'not now'... You say you need to find yourself, break the patterns you're in and you said I also had a couple to break. Well guess what, I've already broken them.

I always told you, I do not read much, but I talk a lot and I listen a lot. I can rapidly learn, I will never be excellent in something. But whatever I do, I will do good very quickly.

I know I cannot wait and I do not want to wait, yet I still do. I do not want to have you back, yet I still do want you back. I hate missing you, I still miss you.

2 steps forward, 1 step back. Some days you fly, some days you crash. And this is a crashing day. I must move forward, I must keep moving.

But I know I will miss you, I know I will still love you, I know that I will always wish things had turned out differently.

Now I just hope you'll always remember me as a fond memory, of good times with someone that truly loved you.

I've been reading your thread and I see myself in a lot of things that you write. Similar lines of reasoning, similar ways of reassuring myself that sooner or later I'll be better. But some days are terrile. The weight of loneliness is almost unbearable and nothing I do seems to alleviate it. Seeing friends doesn't help either, I just can't stand being with people right now; after a couple of hours I just need to be by myself again - even though I can't bear being alone. Funny, isn't it? Whatever I do, I don't feel any good.

Your last post... man, I could have written it myself (aside for some things). Add to your post some hate, and it could have been me. Yeah, hate. I don't know anymore exactly what I feel for her - but a part of me hates her. She stopped believing in us, she has chosen a life without me. How is this possibile? A few months ago we were talking about spending the rest of our life together, and then I'm no good anymore. Six years thrown away in a matter of a few hours. And, to make things worse, she has even a new boyfriend. I know (because mutual friends said it to me - I know, I shouldn't have asked) that she still thinks of me and she suffers from panic attacks because I'm not there anymore... but that doesn't stop her from enjoying the company of a new man. That doesn't make her reconsider her choice, not in the slightest. When I think that someone else has taken my place, it's like receiving a stab wound.

My ex girlfriend, yours... they stopped believing in us. For whatever reasons, they came to the conclusion that a life without us is not only acceptable, but it's the best choice. They're probably suffering too to some degree, but they can manage it, they're going on with their life. As time passes, we'll become more and more a memory of the past. Sooner or later we'll feel the same about them and they'll just be some girls we used to know. They'll be among the people who crossed our life and then went away. And all the intimacy, the dreams, the projects, the love... gone, dissolved, like they had never existed. What was the point, then?

They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I disagree. Let me quote Joker from Nolan's "The Dark Knight": what doesn't kill me makes me stranger. More detached, more disillusioned, more distrustful towards people and towards love. I don't know about you, but if I could erase every memory I have of her, I'd do it right now. Not even the best moments I had with her were worth what I'm going through now.

Sorry to have hijacked your thread a bit. It's just that, judging by what you write, we're feeling very similar things. Well, we're in a forum for the broken-hearted, so probably a lot of people here are feeling similar things!

No problem, that's why I write it and it is good that you write down what you feel.

Aye, some days are just unbearable, hard and long. Some days I just wish I could hibernate untill this all blows over. Unfortunately that won't solve the problem.

Strangely enough I cannot bring myself to hate her, there is anger definitely. But I just cannot hate her. She was also talking about friends who's relationships ended and she stated 'I am so glad/happy that I am with you'. However, I just read somewhere else, that might have just been her own way of re-assuring herself that what she felt was just a phase. I don't know, perhaps it was genuine or not. Perhaps she broke up with me to protect herself and me, her problems were negatively effecting me and my mental state of mind. I don't know.

That's the worst part of it all, I look back and I can see a couple of flaws in me. Being harsher/needier after 6 months of fighting for a relationship, low self-esteem from my past, and sometimes stricken with low energy due to my own mental state. I was battling a second depression or at least, I was doing everything to ensure I would not fall back into that darkness. But while these are flaws, I was still capable of loving and caring and I was supportive till the very end. I had been good to her till the very end. But I just cannot see how these things would be a major problem, because 1 was a phase, 1 was easily solvable and another I was actually already working on. I never let my problems lay there and not be solved. So in my eyes I did nothing fundamentally wrong. Yet I have still been kicked to the curb and I just don't know why.

So yes, I believe you are right, they stopped believing in us. The point is that I did learn from it, I did grow in ways I would have never done before. This hard time as well, I am using it to grow self-esteem and be kinder to myself. That's what I need right now in this moment, but it will benefit me in the long run as well. I am looking forwad to that day, that I can see her as a memory. I am better at managing the suffering though, way better than before. I just feels like this blanket of negative emotions is over my life right now.

I do feel more detached right now, I hope one day that will come back. Disillusioned, definitely, as I said I thought this was the one I'd end up with and I believed her every time she said the same. Distrustful maybe a bit. Currently I am just tired and de-motivated to even try to get another. I want to love someone and be loved in return, I just don't want to go through finding such a person. That is hard, really hard. Finding a good match. But also I want to be single, weirdly enough. I am seeing the huge benefits of it now. I can do what I want, when I want, I can agree to anything I desire without talking about it.

Personally I wouldn't erase the memories, the bad and the good are knowledge I can keep for newer relationships. What I would want to erase is the emotional side of them. I want to be able to think back to our first-date without falling in love again, I want to be able to think back at breaking up without feeling the despair and pain. Maybe I truly desire to be indifferent towards her right now. If someone were to offer me that right now, I'd take it within a heartbeat.

And again no problem for writing your feelings. If you ever want to do it again, feel free to write here again.

Finding another girl... eh! I've thought about it, I've even signed up to some dating sites, but right now I don't think I can really bring myself to do it. A part of me wants to love and be loved again, but finding the right person seems so hard!

By the way, if you haven't already, I suggest you to watch the movie "500 Days of Summer" by Marc Webb, with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. It's basically a break-up movie for guys, the whole thing is seen by the side of the man. It's a very good comedy and it'll probably make you reflect on the whole process of falling in love/living the relationship/breaking up.

I always knew I had to live without you one day, I never figured the day would come so soon. I thought I would be decades from now. Or I might not have to live without you, just not so soon.

One thing I realized today, I feel as empty as my phone now. Every day I would have a message on my phone or via FB. But now, pretty much nothing. Yes I still receive some from time to time, from friends and family. But not every day, now it just feels barren and empty. It just makes the point even more clear. You are gone and you are not looking back at me. Well fair enough neither am I really look back at you, I do not search for anything nor do I message you. But still it is clear, my phone is empty just like my heart now. It feels kind of useless to still have it now, I barely know what to do with it.

I know you will not miss my messages, your phone rang 24/7 for work or friends. They never shut up, every day and night. It annoyed me how much you were always on that thing.

As the lyrics from that song go:

“I'd always walk home alone

So I became lifeless

Just like my telephone”

Feels really real now...

I am just back at the where I was before I met you. I've never really been a user of that stuff, I only used it to keep in touch with you. Now it will most likely stay that way for a while.

I really just drives the point home... You are gone.

Finding another girl... eh! I've thought about it, I've even signed up to some dating sites, but right now I don't think I can really bring myself to do it. A part of me wants to love and be loved again, but finding the right person seems so hard!

 

By the way, if you haven't already, I suggest you to watch the movie "500 Days of Summer" by Marc Webb, with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. It's basically a break-up movie for guys, the whole thing is seen by the side of the man. It's a very good comedy and it'll probably make you reflect on the whole process of falling in love/living the relationship/breaking up.

Aye exactly the same yes. I haven't signed up for a dating site, out of seer anxiety that I would somehow bump into my ex's profile (if she created one as well). That would only make the point even more poignant. I would f*cking break if I saw that. I know in my mind and heart of hearts that that possibility exists and is more likely than not. But I do not need to know for sure.

Nah I'll remain where I am right now, in my bubble and single I'll take all this time to work on me, selfishly and unilaterally. Just need to get used to it.

Finding the right person is hard, really hard. Someone who you are compatible with and click with and find at the correct time. I just do not feel like going through all that stuff right now.

I'll see, maybe I'll check it out. Just need a bit more strength now. Can barely take anything romantic at all without a sense of loss.