Suicide thoughts?

Well, after many years trying to fit in a group of people and failing to do so, I finally concluded I am the one at fault for everything.

I've been trying to excuse myself but I can't do that anymore. I even asked my brother if they are better off without me and he said: "Yes".

My sister avoids me because she's too terrified of me. I'm like a monster to her no matter how hard I try not to be one... the only way I can make her feel better is to not talk at all or to hide in my room all day long.

Everybody around me is annoyed by me... I lost my job last month as well and I have never been fortunate with relationships, whether they are romantic or not. I've never been in a romantic relationship and never will... I am but an . I've tried so much to change myself but I can't! I'm a monster and I can't help it.

Maybe the world will be better off without me. Or I know! The world won't even notice when I'm gone! After all, I am nobody, a nobody who's been dreaming all this time.

I'm not afraid of dying; I don't think it will be worse than this life. If it is better for the others for me to disappear, then so be it! Maybe it will be the best. I truly don't know what to do. I feel I need to keep trying but at the same time, I feel I have to give up. Guess I'm torn... I've been feeling like this for about a year... it stopped last month (when I traveled to a foreign country all by myself) but now that I've come back from my trip, I feel again the same... What's wrong with me?! I don't understand what this is that I feel...

Why do you think that you are a monster?

It's actually normal for siblings of certain age to annoy each other, it doesnt mean that they dont love you.

Please, call suicide prevention hotline and talk to those people. I know that sometimes it seems that sorrow will never stop, but it stops , you just have to get there (and you will in time).

Please call your local suicide prevention team in your area, they can help you. Please do this today. I dont believe you are a monster, I think you are a person in great need of serious help.

Your siblings sound like horrible, toxic people to think suicide is the best for you. If anything, THEY are the monsters for wishing death on a family member. Definitely cut them out of your life.

Losing a job after one month is not the end of the world. There have been people who have been unemployed for several months. It's time to talk to a job headhunter or local workforce agency to help polish your resume, CV letter, and interviewing skills. If you go in with a negative attitude, employers will sense it like sharks smelling blood in the water.

You can't expect to have a relationship with people if you are depressed. You need to be happy and learn to love yourself first before you can give love to someone. Right now, look for the job first.

I second the suicide hotline. You fell, but you are not a failure.

I mean... Im a monster because people are always so afraid of me... And with my sis it is even worse because no matter what I say, she's always offended...

There are no suicide hotlines in my country, I'm afraid...

It is not like my siblings had told me to commit suicide, they simply have better lives without me... We are all already past 20, so it is no longer normal for us to fight like this... I've tried everything to make things better, but I always end up screwing everyone up...

I know I should love myself but how? No matter what I do I always end up pushing people away from me... I am too cold... it's hard for me to feel at all... How can I love myself if I'm like this?

It sounds like you have low self esteem. Do you know the reason for this? If you can get to the core of why you believe that you are not a worthy person I think that you can make headway to having a positive outlook to the future. You have found a community of many caring people here. That proves that you have intelligence to have found us. You traveled alone...that proves that you have courage. Perhaps you should look into working for a cruise line. Is that something that you would enjoy? There are so many avenues that you can explore. chi

Oh, thank you so much for your kind words

I have had low self esteem since I was a kid, I was bullied a lot in school and in my family I was never good enough, I was always too shy, too badly dressed, too ugly, while other girls were extroverted, kind, friendly. With time of course I learned that was ridiculous, it is not that you being extroverted solves everything in an instant. Yet I decided to change my approach to life and left shyness behind.

After my mom died 4 years ago, for my family, I became her substitute... Doing everything she used to do, taking care of my siblings and father but it got to the point that other family members would begin calling me by her name (some of them still do) and that's when the conflict started... So I'm only worthy when I am my mother? Who am I when I'm not her? The shy girl again? Or the extroverted one? I don't even know... I'm confused, I'm sorry I can't explain this well...

Yet it is easier for me to blame myself for everything that happens because then I can try to do something to change it while if I blame someone else, I can't do anything at all...

Oh, that sounds very interesting. I hadn't thought about it

Wow! That is absolutely crazy...to be called by your mother's name.:stupid: That makes my idea of working on a cruise line even more appealing. It would certainly get you out of that toxic environment and it seems that you like to travel, so perhaps it would be a good fit. What do you think? chi

Yeah, it is pretty crazy...

I really like the idea of working on a cruise, I may really give it a try.

Thank you so much for your kind words, everyone, I feel so much better now...

Yeah, you don't need to hang around for that abuse. If not a cruise line, a job that requires you to travel extensively. I think getting out of there will do you a world of good. Please stay in touch.... chi