I Abused My Mom Physically.. Please Help

Hello everyone, I hope you can help me with not abusing my mom any longer.

 

For years I've abused my mom physically a few times which I deeply regret. Yesterday I did something to her that would've easily put her in the hospital or even worse, killed her.. and would've landed me in jail for years.

 

lt started when I demanded that money from a tenant we receive be on time. I grew angry with her for not putting her foot down. I yelled and cursed. It wasn't until she said that I needed to get a job that I grew so angry that I threw a metal garbage can at her which hit her head. She fell down in absolute agony and started to cry. I meant to throw the can at the wall but it hit her head instead sadly.

 

I apologized and offered to help her. But she refused and called her neighbor for help. I didn't talk to nor seen her since.

 

Since this happened I've felt so remorseful and sorry. I really can't believe I actually did this. This isn't me.

 

I'll be contacting some anger management agencies to set up an appointment to see a doc about this. Its about time! This vicious cycle must end!

 

I'd like to know how I can ask for her forgiveness. I haven't talked to her since this happened out of embarrassment and deep remorse. What do you recommend?

Wow that's sad. You're lucky your mother didn't put you in jail. You're suppose to love and protect your mother because she gave you life and she has been raising you since. For you to get mad over your mother telling you that you need to get a job is an actual psychological issue you're grown so maybe it is time you get a job since she's struggling to pay the rent rather than you helping her you start throwing things at the poor lady. I say if you want to make thing right with your mom you get a job and start helping her also see a therapist.

Wow, you treat your own mother like that? I wouold be feeling remorseful too.

 

Firstly, who the hell are you to be demanding things from your mother? You don't have a job, so you are mooching off her and then turn angry and violent when you don't get your way.

 

So, yes, you need to see someone and she does not have to pay, you do. Find a free counsellor and start working on your behaviour.

 

And while that is going, GET A JOB AND MOVE OUT. And once you get that job, pay your mother 50% of the money you earn. She has to do this for you, why can't you do this for her?

oh my goodness. You should not abuse your parents physically. I do get angry with my mom at times. At times, I do feel like fuming up with her. I think there are healthier ways to deal with anger. She gave birth to you. Abuse is not a healthy way to deal with problems. I suggest seeing a therapist. I myself am planning on seeing a therapist in order to learn to cope with my parents. Be kind to your mother. For your information, mothers do say things out of love. If you don't agree with your mom on some stuff, you can respect her. You need to learn to cope with anger. Why did you abuse your mom? Do you not agree with your on some issues?

You're suppose to love and protect your mother because she gave you life and she has been raising you since..

 

Yes I know. I feel VERY bad right now. I feel lower than the lowest dirt. I need to control my impulses at all costs. Thats why I'll be calling a mental health clinic tomorrow to see a doc about this as soon as they can schdeule me. Its really about time. This abuse has to end. It has to start with a mental health professional for sure.

 

I suggest seeing a therapist. Be kind to your mother. For your information, mothers do say things out of love. If you don't agree with your mom on some stuff, you can respect her.

 

Hi Chocolate. You nailed it on the head. Youre right, mothers say things out of love even if they appear to hurt or shame. keeping this in mind will definitely help me. Thank you.

 

Firstly, who the hell are you to be demanding things from your mother? Find a free counsellor and start working on your behaviour.

 

And while that is going, GET A JOB AND MOVE OUT. And once you get that job, pay your mother 50% of the money you earn. She has to do this for you, why can't you do this for her?

 

Hi keyman. Youre correct! Just that I blame some of my issues on my mother. Its a bit complicated but shes not to blame for what happened to me in my history. But mentally I blame her which is wrong.

 

My job situation is a bit complicated. Trust me getting a job is something I want and need to do. But right now a few issues stand in the way of that. But believe me, as soon as these issues are resolved I will be getting a job. In the meantime I'll be talking to a professional counselor about this. I'm doing this more for my mom than for me. I need god in my life so bad.

 

Would you please tell me how to approach her for forgiveness? This happened yesterday and haven't fully apologized. Please let me know.

 

Thank you for your concern and push. I really appreciate this.

You better hope she doesn't decide to press charges against you for assault, OP. Do you know if went to a hospital for medical attention? They certainly would have asked her what happened and who caused this injury.

 

Where is this uncontrolled rage coming from? Are you violent with others as well? How old are you?

 

Please ask if she will speak to you so you can apologize to her. It won't be anywhere near enough, but it's far better than avoiding her like an embarrassed coward. If she does not want to talk to you, leave her alone until she is ready.

 

You desperately need counseling. Print out your post and show the therapist. This is out of control and you need help.

Would you please tell me how to approach her for forgiveness? This happened yesterday and haven't fully apologized. Please let me know.

 

Try this...'Mum (or mom if you're American), I think we need to talk about what I did yesterday...' and go from there.

 

It needs to be from a place deep inside and she needs to see it in your eyes how disappointed and distressed you are that this happened. Then you need to ddiscuss with her how you are planning to fix this.

You better hope she doesn't decide to press charges against you for assault, OP. Do you know if went to a hospital for medical attention? They certainly would have asked her what happened and who caused this injury.

 

Where is this uncontrolled rage coming from? Are you violent with others as well? How old are you?

 

Please ask if she will speak to you so you can apologize to her. It won't be anywhere near enough, but it's far better than avoiding her like an embarrassed coward. If she does not want to talk to you, leave her alone until she is ready.

 

You desperately need counseling. Print out your post and show the therapist. This is out of control and you need help.

 

Hi MissCanuck,

 

Appreciate your reply. To answer your question she didnt go to a hospital. When she called her neighbor for help and he came, she told him that she hit her head on something.

 

As for the stupid stubborn rage, for the most part, I blame my mom for something that occured to me in 1996 which affected my health to a large extent. Even though I realize its not her fault I still blame her for it. She tried to get help for me but the help actually caused health issues which I still have today. Thats why i blame her, even though again its not her fault. I'm 46. ANd I'm not violent towards others but I'm negative towards others, if that makes sense.

 

Maybe I can ask to speak with her through a neighbor? We three can talk about it with my neighber offering some support, maybe?

 

And its a good idea to print out this thread and present it to the therapist. Thank you for that. As I said I'm very serious about seeing one and will contact a clinic near me tomorrow. Maybe a family therapy session with her, me and the doc may help?

 

Thank you and I hope you can add further your much needed and appreciated input.

In the meantime I'll be talking to a professional counselor about this. I'm doing this more for my mom than for me.

 

I put to you this: that this is not the right attitude. It's good that you recognize that your behavior is unacceptable and must change, for your mother's sake -- but making yourself into a person who is not violent, impulsive, and unable to control themselves from being reactive is very, very much FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, and when you take that very seriously, you are actually more likely to change than if it's just about your mother and relieving your current feelings of appropriate guilt and shame.

 

You have to be asking yourself, what kind of person do I want to be?

 

This is about you and your conduct in this life, and how you feel about yourself as you treat those around you. Once you do a deed, you can't undo it. And deeds add up to a life that you are living. So what kind of life do you want to live? Who do you want to see in the mirror, and know on your deathbed?

 

Do you want to have self-respect when you look upon yourself? Or live with the knowledge that you have violated your principles again and again? Violating other people violates yourself. There is no separation.

 

So you have to see the two together. Guilt and shame can be useful tools when you've gone astray, but they may not be enough to motivate habits that stick. Some day your mom will pass away and you'll still have yourself and your habits if you don't change, and so you carry yourself everywhere.

 

Good for you for taking action steps. This is absolutely necessary -- you won't stop this behavior until you get help. You need ongoing personal, one-on-one therapy. A therapist will be able to also help you examine your feelings of resentment about your mother and the underpinnings of how that all plays into your feeling entitled in the moment to rage at her. And they can help you figure out how to make amends best.

 

For now, I would not apologize, since it is very fresh. I think apologizing when no changes have been made can sound very hollow. You've obviously done this sort of thing to her before, and maybe apologized. I think action now needs to come before the verbal apology. Demonstrate through your changed behaviors that you are sorry, that you intend to make amends. And then you will find the words -- when you can hold your head up better and point to the better man you've become.

Try this...'Mum (or mom if you're American), I think we need to talk about what I did yesterday...' and go from there.

 

It needs to be from a place deep inside and she needs to see it in your eyes how disappointed and distressed you are that this happened. Then you need to ddiscuss with her how you are planning to fix this.

 

Wow. Thank you keyman. Sounds like a very good idea especially the part about talking about how I'm going to fix this.

 

I really do mean to get help for this. In the past I've put it on the back burner. But I'm completely serious about this. I want to stop these idiotic anger impulses amd negativity once and for all.

Hi MissCanuck,

 

Appreciate your reply. To answer your question she didnt go to a hospital. When she called her neighbor for help and he came, she told him that she hit her head on something.

 

As for the stupid stubborn rage, for the most part, I blame my mom for something that occured to me in 1996 which affected my health to a large extent. Even though I realize its not her fault I still blame her for it. She tried to get help for me but the help actually caused health issues which I still have today. Thats why i blame her, even though again its not her fault. I'm 46. ANd I'm not violent towards others but I'm negative towards others, if that makes sense.

 

Maybe I can ask to speak with her through a neighbor? We three can talk about it with my neighber offering some support, maybe?

 

And its a good idea to print out this thread and present it to the therapist. Thank you for that. As I said I'm very serious about seeing one and will contact a clinic near me tomorrow. Maybe a family therapy session with her, me and the doc may help?

 

Thank you and I hope to can add your much needed and appreciated input.

 

I think that is a good idea as well. Not right away, but when the therapist gets a good idea of the issues you have, your blaming her for your health issues, and the dynamics through your own eyes. Therapy can be a safe place for each person to say what doesn't feel safe anywhere else.

 

I am guessing that your mom also feels guilt and self-rebuke for whatever role she played in your health issue. If she had anything to do with it, it probably hurts her very much and so she perhaps feels more willing to take your abuse.

 

So you have a lot of forgiveness on both sides, and self-forgiveness to work through. Do try to bring her into the process so she can express what she likely has not been able to either.

 

Good luck to you both.

tiredofvampires, greetings,

 

I believe you offer the best logical approach, both from an internal and external self. Action must speak louder than just an apology which are words if expressed just for the sake of apologizing. And yes this rage turned violent has happened before which prompts me to take the initiative to act fast on getting serious professional help. I just dont want to control my negative impulses, I want to completely eliiminate them.

 

Even though I agree that the "wound" is still too fresh at the moment for an apology, I just can't go around the house seeing my mom and not saying anything to her. It just wouldnt be right and will come off as very uncaring, unloveable and indifferent. I agree with you, but I need to say something. I just cant wait for change to come which may take days or weeks when I see a counselor. That being the case what do you suggest??

You're gonna really regret that when your mom has passed. You sound like you need some serious counseling. I couldn't live with myself if I did that to my mom. She died 3 years ago and I'd do anything to have one more breakfast with her. You need to get your head straight.

And what issues stand in the way of getting a JOB?? That's ridiculous. Jobs come first. If I didn't work I wouldn't have my house, car, pets, daughter living with me, security, sense of accomplishment, self worth ETC ETC. The rest is just childish excuses

This should be reported to the authorities (imo). 'Nuff said.

Abused your mother physically, how? I am asking because, there is sexism in the justice system(presuming you are in the U.S.). Where a woman can 'claim' abuse, and even use it as a reason to abuse a man. The authorities rarely question the woman's motives, or actions. But, If a man does the same thing. Authorities 'throw the book' at him.

 

I know you admitted to your actions. But just as a woman would not be questioned for their actions. I want to know the reason behind the physical confrontations.

Abused your mother physically, how? I am asking because, there is sexism in the justice system(presuming you are in the U.S.). Where a woman can 'claim' abuse, and even use it as a reason to abuse a man. The authorities rarely question the woman's motives, or actions. But, If a man does the same thing. Authorities 'throw the book' at him.

 

I know you admitted to your actions. But just as a woman would not be questioned for their actions. I want to know the reason behind the physical confrontations.

I mean... objectively speaking, there is some nuance with the disproportionality between men and women being punished for domestic violence given the recorded frequency being much more proportionate than commonly believed, but I'm baffled as to how you'd choose this thread as a venue to make that point.

 

t started when I demanded that money from a tenant we receive be on time. I grew angry with her for not putting her foot down. I yelled and cursed. It wasn't until she said that I needed to get a job that I grew so angry that I threw a metal garbage can at her which hit her head. She fell down in absolute agony and started to cry. I meant to throw the can at the wall but it hit her head instead sadly.

The OP dedicated a paragraph to preempting your questions as to how and why. Obviously inexcusable, and while very difficult not to, the only thing keeping me from laying into him/her is the fact they appear to be genuinely trying to tackle the problem.

 

As to you, OP, while I think the advice comes from a very good place, I don't necessarily agree with sitting down and having a pow-wow with her after having domed her with a metal trashcan. Granted, in full disclosure, I am *not* a social worker or formally qualified in any way to resolve issues of domestic violence, but I can only imagine it would very likely be further imposing to put her in a position to feel like she has to sit down and talk to her attacker. In your position (pray I never am), I might state from across the room very simply something along the lines of, "I did a terrible thing. I'm going to get help for myself to make sure it never happens again, and I am going to give you as much space and distance as I can. I understand if you can't forgive me, but I apologize." A statement, not a conversation. And I'd follow through on every bit of it.

I will go a step further and suggest that anger management or social workers are probably not going to be a lot of help at this point but maybe a psychiatrist. Because if you've gotten to the point where you're beating your mother with a metal trashcan no anger management classes are probably going to have that much affect. And as you rightly noted that you could have killed your mother . I think you need to stay very far away from her for a very long time . And it's only because of your mother's compassion for you that she didn't call the cops and you're not at this moment sitting in a jail cell.

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