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Thread: No key, no commitment?

  1. #1

    No key, no commitment?

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He lives an hour away and I have to stay at his place every weekend because he has a dog. Traffic is horrible and unpredictable and it takes anywhere from an hour to 3. He definitely has issues left over from an ex wife who disappeared leaving him with massive debt and emotional scars but it was 20 years ago. Despite all of this, our relationship is a strong and happy one. He goes out of his way to do things for me, texts me a lot to say he's thinking about me, listens like a best friend and gives feedback, remembers things I've talked about needing and randomly buys them... he's very good to me. But... I see absolutely no signs of him wanting more than what we have now. He won't give me a key despite the fact that I have driven down there, sat in traffic for 2 hours, only to find out that there was an emergency at work and he won't be home for another hour or 2. This has happened at least 10 times. So I either have to sit in my car and wait for an hour or 2 or drive back home in the traffic then go back the next day. Whenever I bring up the key he shuts down or says he's not ready. Well, will you ever be ready?!?!?! I'm sick of sitting in my car waiting for you to get over your fears! But this is the best relationship I've ever been in. Any advice?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If it were me and I had to sit outside and wait on what sounds like a routine basis, I'd turn around and drive back home.
    Not to be passive aggressive but I consider my time valuable. I don't have time to sit in my car and wait on someone and I wouldn't
    let my boyfriend have to so as well.
    You have asked. He has said no.
    Just let him know that you understand but he'll need to understand why you won't be there waiting next time.

  3. #3
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    Is your house not suitable for a dog-visitor?

    If he doesn't want to give you a key, i would be inclined to tell him to come to mine and bring the dog. That way, you don't have to fight traffic. If you are comfortable giving HIM a key, do so.

    If at all possible, I would simply refuse to go at all if there is even a remote possibility you'd have to wait around for him in your car.

  4. #4
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    If there are no signs of the relationship progressing, what are you hanging around for? Seriously, if you have discussed this with him and nothing has changed, how many years are you willing to drive to him and wait around for him? You have already waited 2 and he isn't ready to give you a key but is willing to waste your time? You are preventing yourself from meeting someone who wants the same things you do.

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  6. #5
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    Maybe he can leave the key for you under the mat when he knows he's not going to be there!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    I would stop the routine. Sounds like he likes you but doesn't love you.

    Stop this.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Why on Earth would you do this after it happened once, much less 10 times? Obviously timing your arrival around his formal work schedule isn't quite reliable.

    Personally, I see nothing wrong with not giving you an extra key. Why not wait until he's confirmed home or confirmed on his way home before heading out yourself? Seems like one of the most avoidable issues you could have. Or is this some effort on your part to somehow "prove" to him that you do need a key?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    After two years?! What does he think you will do in his house while waiting for him? He might be good to you in some ways, but is he honest with you or does he have things to hide from you? I mean.....people's house cleaners and dog walkers have keys to their house. This has nothing to do with commitment or "not ready" whatever that means......

    I don't know. I guess I'd ask him point blank what his issue is and would probably have the proverbial "come to Jesus" type conversation about it. It comes down to you care more about seeing him than he does about you. You will do the driving and the sitting around and waiting on him when in fact you shouldn't be waiting on him. Meanwhile he won't bother to make you comfortable. Sounds unbalanced. To be honest, I think you are making excuses for what you know is really sh$tty behavior on his part.

  10. #9
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    The least he could do is put a key under a mat or in the mailbox or somewhere for you. This guy may be too damaged from the breakup with his wife. Ten times! Oh, please!

    Apparently he has trust issues. I don't think there's much hope there until he commits. If he ever commits. Maybe he's afraid you're going to find his massive porn collection, or the torture dungeon in his basement if you're alone in his house.

    Or there might be another woman in this equation. All the nice things he's doing for your could be associated with guilt like having a friend with benefits he's seeing on the weekdays. A lot of divorced guys also promise to never marry again. The key might represent that.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'd first have done what RedDress suggested. If he could not make an effort to ever come to me, I'd have stopped going to him all the time. Things can work out naturally.

    I wouldn't push the key thing nor anything else. Just stop trying to accomdate him all the time. Equal it out a bit - give n take, and if it's not enough, you date someone else.

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