Is it normal for a parent to become needy at 65?

My mother is driving me crazy since she is so needy all the time. She wants to know why I didn't reply to her text and can I can call her? The real reason this seems to be happening is because of her half dead boyfriend who is 4 years older than she is but doesn't have much of a personality. So since that is the case she needs to desperately talk to someone because she is bored with him. That's not my problem and my life doesn't revolve around her when I have to respond so quickly. I already had to delete her from facebook because she would make comments about me cursing on my own timeline. She was not like this 16 years ago at all and wondering do all parents become this way at 65. Plus when I do call I have to hold the phone for 2 hours and listen to her ramble on about stuff i don't care about.

I want to tell her so bad that she needs a new man so she can leave me the hell alone but of course I can't. Is this the norm for someone her age?

No.

But in the same vein when you need something or support do you intend to call her?

No.

 

But in the same vein when you need something or support do you intend to call her?

She is not the person to call for support so the answer is no.

Well, no , people don't automatically become needy at 65. Many 65-year-olds lead full and busy lives.

If she's had a personality change, is becoming disinhibited (e.g. all the swearing on your Facebook page) and is showing other strange behaviours, has she been checked for early signs of dementia? Is her memory deteriorating, for example?

Of course not all people get like this at 65, but it might be worth checking whether there's a physical reason for her behaviour and not just an emotional one.

If she's had a personality change, is becoming disinhibited (e.g. all the swearing on your Facebook page) and is showing other strange behaviours, has she been checked for early signs of dementia? Is her memory deteriorating, for example?

 

Of course not all people get like this at 65, but it might be worth checking whether there's a physical reason for her behaviour and not just an emotional one.

That's what I was thinking. May be early signs of Alzheimer's or another disorder of a similar type.

Can you suggest she see her doctor for a checkup? Tell her you just want to know for sure she's healthy.

Boundaries are needed. But please please be gentle with her. While 65 isn't old, it isn't young either. I know of 2 ppl who died close to 65 this year and it was very sudden and unexpected. The daughter of one of them regrets something that she said to the deceased parent shortly before her passing.

If she's had a personality change, is becoming disinhibited (e.g. all the swearing on your Facebook page) and is showing other strange behaviours, has she been checked for early signs of dementia? Is her memory deteriorating, for example?

 

Of course not all people get like this at 65, but it might be worth checking whether there's a physical reason for her behaviour and not just an emotional one.

It's her boring boyfriend and when he is sleeping she reaches out to other members of the family due to boredom.

It's her boring boyfriend and when he is sleeping she reaches out to other members of the family due to boredom.

Family members are not supposed to support each other?

That's what I was thinking. May be early signs of Alzheimer's or another disorder of a similar type.

 

Can you suggest she see her doctor for a checkup? Tell her you just want to know for sure she's healthy.

she is healthy and gets around on her own. When I call she has no interest in what you have to say, she just want to talk for 80 mins about her sister and whoever else I don't know.

She text me this evening saying......"do you think I can get a call this evening?' The answer is no because I am annoyed and plan to relax the rest of the evening. It had got so bad that I had to remove my voicemail because she would leave these long 2 mins voicemails if she didn't hear from me in 3 or 4 days.

Family members are not supposed to support each other?

it's not like we haven't talked at all this week. I been communicating through text because when I get home during the week it;s 6:30pm, I eat my dinner at 7pm and then I have 3 to 4 before I go to sleep. I normally call on saturday because i have more time since I am off work.

My ex's grandmother got around on her own just fine. She also had Alzheimer's.

What could it hurt to suggest she get a medical checkup? You could be wrong about her being perfectly healthy, you know.

it's not like we haven't talked at all this week. I been communicating through text because when I get home during the week it;s 6:30pm, I eat my dinner at 7pm and then I have 3 to 4 before I go to sleep. I normally call on saturday because i have more time since I am off work.

Why not pick a day with her when you will call her and say limit it to a half hour?

Did she recently retire? If so, then I think it IS normal to suddenly have no idea what to do with yourself and to get a little needy (it's a matter of perspective - to her, not being busy, 3-4 days is a long time. To you, being busy, 3-4 days is super fast)

It sounds like she needs a hobby.

Does she do anything? Is she active in her church (sinagogue, mosque, or insert religious institution here), her community, do volunteer work, have hobbies, etc?

What does she do when she's not with her boring boyfriend or calling you?

Many, many people with Alzheimers or other forms of dementia are fine physically - often in very good shape for their age.

It's just that you are viewing her as a wilfully awkward, uncaring person when there may be another explanation for it. It might be an idea to get an assessment before writing her off like this.

It's her boring boyfriend and when he is sleeping she reaches out to other members of the family due to boredom.

You don't know this, but honestly, define what fun and exciting lives a 65 year old woman and 70 year old man be having? Especially if they are on a fixed income? Maybe they are content staying home, nothing wrong with that. Come on now, they aren't spring chickens anymore. And even if this were true, as you know from this forum, breaking up ain't so easy, esp for 65 and 70 year olds.

Why not pick a day with her when you will call her and say limit it to a half hour?

I usually don't mind on saturday but last saturday I was out and because we went a saturday without talking it was a problem. This is why I had to get a spam blocker because her texts are pointless and annoying. She treats text messages like email and send stupid photos and when I don't respond she forgets I am at work during the day and that she is retired

Did she recently retire? If so, then I think it IS normal to suddenly have no idea what to do with yourself and to get a little needy (it's a matter of perspective - to her, not being busy, 3-4 days is a long time. To you, being busy, 3-4 days is super fast)

 

It sounds like she needs a hobby.

 

Does she do anything? Is she active in her church (sinagogue, mosque, or insert religious institution here), her community, do volunteer work, have hobbies, etc?

 

What does she do when she's not with her boring boyfriend or calling you?

Yes she is retired and has all this time now in addition to having a half dead boring boyfriend. Sometimes she has lunch with her girlfriends during the day. No she doesn't have any hobbies at all.

You don't know this, but honestly, define what fun and exciting lives a 65 year old woman and 70 year old man be having? Especially if they are on a fixed income? Maybe they are content staying home, nothing wrong with that. Come on now, they aren't spring chickens anymore. And even if this were true, as you know from this forum, breaking up ain't so easy, esp for 65 and 70 year olds.

No she is not on a fixed income because of her pension and they go out from time to time. They went out together last saturday.

I just don't want her to dictate when I should call her

I'm going to guess you two haven't had the best relationship? You sound so very angry at her. Out of proportion angry to just this situation.

Could you not spend some time with her and ask her what is going on? From a place of concern?

If this isn't her usual self, maybe she really does need you more than she did before. Maybe something is wrong.

Are you mad because you do not feel like she was there for you?

You sound really angry with her and that's not healthy for you. Your mother may have something medical going on that neither of you know about, so she should see a doctor for a check up. You could encourage her to join a group, volunteer somewhere, take up a hobby.

As for her phoning you a lot, set a time limit you are willing to talk/listen to her and stick to it. When the time is up tell her you have to go, say goodbye, and hang up. That's called setting a boundary which seems to be needed.

Your hostility towards her is going to get the better of you sooner or later. Do you have siblings?

I usually don't mind on saturday but last saturday I was out and because we went a saturday without talking it was a problem.

I feel ya on this. I speak to my mother on Sundays and if I don't call her Sunday, I definitely get an angry voicemail on Monday.

I try to look at it with compassion. When you don't have a lot going on in your life, the few things you have (like talking to your daughter), you cherish. They become soooo much more important.

I think you should have a frank conversation with her about picking up some hobbies. There are tons of things she can do. She can pick up a part-time, low-stress job (I know a lady in her 80s who works at a gift shop about 8-10 hours a week. She doesn't need the money but it's "fun money" and keeps her occupied), she can volunteer (my aunt volunteers at the local foodbank), she can join some kind of exercise class (think AquaFit or golf), she can do some crafting, etc. Maybe you can help her explore some options. Ask her how she wants to fill her retirement!

Having a more full life will take the pressure off you quite a bit.

I agree with the others, though. Your level of anger over the situation is quite high. Try to find some ways to make peace with a bit before you talk to her... otherwise, it might go quite badly.

I'm going to guess you two haven't had the best relationship? You sound so very angry at her. Out of proportion angry to just this situation.

 

Could you not spend some time with her and ask her what is going on? From a place of concern?

 

If this isn't her usual self, maybe she really does need you more than she did before. Maybe something is wrong.

 

Are you mad because you do not feel like she was there for you?

I guess it's because she is demanding a phone call. I mean who does that? I explained that it's going to be times when I'm not available to talk. She thinks whenever she calls I'm supposed to always pick up which is crazy

Sounds like you may have deeper issues with her than just being annoyed over the petty things your mentioning, either that, or your just being mean to be blunt. One day when she is gone you will be praying for one of those phone calls that annoyed you so much. If there isn't something more deeply rooted than what you have listed, then you need to chill.

I hope no one who has a child grows up to be like this.

You know, people get old, we all are going to get old. And some people feel far more vulnerable and scared as life moves forward. Health declines and a person slows down. It's more difficult to find others to connect with, a lot more harder.

Depending on the person too, some are not out going and always had a difficult time meeting friends.

But family is meant too be family. Supportive, accepting, and loving. And yes, I know, you've got your own life, you feel it's too much. But the reality is, it's phone calls.

Shes not asking you to take her anywhere, shes not asking you to move in with her and look after her, shes not hounding you for money.

Your mom is literally asking for phone calls and company. I, again realise that you are finding it too much and you cannot see things form her point of view. God willing you never end up in the same place though and feel alone and vulnerable and no one to turn to and have your child treats you in the same manner as this.

I think you might want to impart some more empathy and patience. After all, this is your mother and she does deserve your respect and kindness.

And it would be good if you stopped referring to her partner as "her half dead partner". Completely disrespectful and trust me, the day will come for all of us when our health fails us and no one ever needs to be referred to in this way.