Stepmom

I am struggling with a lot of guilt right now. I was,hoping someone could read my post and give me honest feed back. I'll try to make it brief. I have 2 step children. For the summer, they spend 1/2 With us and 1/2 With their mother. I expected them to be with us the first half. I planned for that. However, their mom kept not taking them for her half. I felt resentful because I had planned to spend that time doing things I enjoy and spending time alone with my daughter.

I was never asked or consulted. I was just told they'd be here indefinitely. It seems it's 100 percent up to her.

I started to feel like her babysitter. This is her time with her kids. It's my time with mine (I'm a teacher with the summer off). I finally told my husband that when he's at work his ex wife needs to have the kids during HER scheduled time. I felt guilty.

He was annoyed. He said my mindset of us as a family is different than his. He loves all the kids the same and clearly I dont he says-though I disagree. He said he will always take the kids no matter what. I am lacking for not doing the same. I said I was feeling stressed. I said I needed time.

He told her she had to take them. He said it's unfair because they're his kids and this is their home.

His reaction questioning me as a stepmom has left me hating myself. Am I being selfish.

I had his son for the first 6 weeks of summer. I took him places. We did a lot together. Am I wrong to ask for my time?

I am truly amazed.

Does your daughter live with you?

How do you mean?

Does your husband spend time with his kids? Are you expected to be their main caregiver? Can you plan a trip that is just for you and your daughter?

Your stepchildren are your children also and you should have continued with the plans you made for your biological daughter, but should have then been delighted to include the stepkids to forge a stronger relationship between them - when you are old and pass away - she will have siblings to lean on through the good times and bad. Now it would be appropriate to ask your husband for a date night and to have a babysitter for ALL of them once a week. If you do not change your ways, you could end up being the evil stepmother vs someone they love and call mom

Does your daughter live with you?

Yes. She only has me.

Yes. She only has me.

If during the school year, you have your daughter 100% of the time and your stepchildren 50% of the time or even less, does your husband complain that his stepdaughter is always around and can he get a break from her?

Your stepchildren are your children also and you should have continued with the plans you made for your biological daughter, but should have then been delighted to include the stepkids to forge a stronger relationship between them - when you are old and pass away - she will have siblings to lean on through the good times and bad. Now it would be appropriate to ask your husband for a date night and to have a babysitter for ALL of them once a week. If you do not change your ways, you could end up being the evil stepmother vs someone they love and call mom

I have included all the children all summer. I have taken them all to the pool, to parks, to beaches. I am asking for their mother to spend her time with them. One of them very much wants to be with mom.

Yes. She only has me.

Ok, so you are with your daughter 100%. How often does your husband see his kids?

Ok, so you are with your daughter 100%. How often does your husband see his kids?

50 percent.

I have included all the children all summer. I have taken them all to the pool, to parks, to beaches. I am asking for their mother to spend her time with them. One of them very much wants to be with mom.

I understand. But these kids need to be some place. Right. If their mom won't and their dad wants them...

If during the school year, you have your daughter 100% of the time and your stepchildren 50% of the time or even less, does your husband complain that his stepdaughter is always around and can he get a break from her?

No, because I am responsible for her. I do not mind them being here 100 percent of the time. What bothers me is their mother just deciding to not get them when scheduled.

I have included all the children all summer. I have taken them all to the pool, to parks, to beaches. I am asking for their mother to spend her time with them. One of them very much wants to be with mom.

You need to put the kids first. Don't worry about or bother with their bio mom. If she is a flake, she is a flake. Just arrange for a babysitter or relative to come over once in awhile for a date night for the two of you. That's the break you should get.

I understand. But these kids need to be some place. Right. If their mom won't and their dad wants them...

But he isn't home either.

Does your husband spend time with his kids? Are you expected to be their main caregiver? Can you plan a trip that is just for you and your daughter?

Sometimes he does. Often he doesn't. He doesn't want to go places or do much. So I do a lot alone. I don't want any of them just sitting inside playing video games all day

No, because I am responsible for her. I do not mind them being here 100 percent of the time. What bothers me is their mother just deciding to not get them when scheduled.

He doesn't complain about her because he loves her and considers her his daughter, not because she "has" to be there because she has nowhere else to go.

you and your husband are responsible for your stepkids right now. if you think he doesn't complain because of responsibiltiy and not because he loves her - you missed the point.

50 percent.

My brother is divorced he would have his kids every second if he could. He said the pain of not being with his kids every day is unbearable. So that may be your husband's point of view.

I am not saying your horrid but imagine not having your daughter 100%.

Sometimes he does. Often he doesn't. He doesn't want to go places or do much. So I do a lot alone. I don't want any of them just sitting inside playing video games all day

Then spend time at home. If he is home, they can interact and talk to him, they can color, etc. They can play in the yard. They can read. Play boardgames. or maybe next year they could go to a summer day camp or a class at the nature center to break the time up.

He doesn't complain about her because he loves her and considers her his daughter, not because she "has" to be there because she has nowhere else to go.

 

you and your husband are responsible for your stepkids right now. if you think he doesn't complain because of responsibiltiy and not because he loves her - you missed the point.

He doesn't complain because he's not responsible for her. He isn't here. He himself has forced his son to go with mom because "he needs a break" and recently complained his kids never listen but mine is easier. I never said any of that about them.

Sometimes he does. Often he doesn't. He doesn't want to go places or do much. So I do a lot alone. I don't want any of them just sitting inside playing video games all day

Maybe start a conversation about something he can fix. He can't fix his ex. But he can step up and take a more active roll in his kids lives.

It's okay for you to spend time with you daughter one on one. Get out of town with her and let him take care of his kids for a week.

While the ex is frustrating your issues have very little to do with her. Your partner is the one who isn't holding her accountable for her agreements. It's your partner who is expecting you to do all the care giving and activity planning. These issues aren't about her or the kids. They are about your partner and you and your ability to support each other.

I am truly amazed.

At how selfish I am?

What do you mean "at work?" As in a 9 - 5 or he travels for months? Do you work?

Honestly, it sounds like you ****ed up marrying a man who has a kid. A wife telling her husband he can only have his kids over half the time is among the most heartless things I've seen on these forums.

I can understand if there's a discrepancy in caring for and attending to his kids, but that is the issue you tackle, not the simple fact his children are present. It's upsetting you'd default to the latter.

He doesn't complain because he's not responsible for her. He isn't here. He himself has forced his son to go with mom because "he needs a break" and recently complained his kids never listen but mine is easier. I never said any of that about them.

So you are realistically saying he does not one thing for your child?

What do you mean "at work?" As in a 9 - 5 or he travels for months? Do you work?

 

Honestly, it sounds like you ****ed up marrying a man who has a kid. A wife telling her husband he can only have his kids over half the time is among the most heartless things I've seen on these forums.

No, I told him they can stay 100 percent. Until today his son has been here 100 percent. I said if mom is supposed to take them she needs to follow through. Her daughter wants to go with mom. Mom cancels at the last minute.