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Thread: Boyfriend wants a break. I'm confused! HELP!

  1. #1
    Member itsbannapple's Avatar
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    Apr 2017
    East Coast

    Unhappy Boyfriend wants a break. I'm confused! HELP!

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 3 months. There has been issues in our relationship in the past but we've gotten past most of them. If you read my older posts, you understand what I am talking about. Cheating, lying, etc. That type of thing. Lately, he has been acting weird and his behaviors are extra than usual. I kept asking questions and trying to figure out whats up but he claims nothing is wrong, until last weekend. He came to my house on Friday went to see his friend and returned back to my place around 1:30am. We were talking and he was saying how him and his friend were having a conversation about the things going on in his life and how he needs to work on himself more. He has been super stressed lately with a lot of things. He needs to get his CDL license or else he could be fired from his job. So I know he is depressed and unhappy. He told me that he needs to find happiness within himself. Everything he was saying was totally out of the ordinary for him. That was the end of that conversation until the next morning when I brought it up again. The conversation led to him saying how he had talked about this to his whole family about how he doesn't know what he feels sometimes and how the spark between us has gone down. They all suggested a break. So he brought up how he thinks a break is good and how we both need to breathe and find ourselves. He knows I'm stressed with this relationship because I'm constantly paranoid because of the cheating and the lying. I'm just worried that this is all influenced by other people in his life because he had broken up with me once before because his co-workers told him he is young and should be out sleeping with other people and not in a committed relationship. So he broke up with me but the next few days was crawling back apologizing and wishing he never listened to his work buddies and how he only wants me and no one else to have sex with. So this decision to go on a break now I hope it's what he actually wants and not just listening to what people are telling him. He also is very controlling and abusive towards me. He said he needs to know what it's like to be alone and single because he never is single for a long period of time. So he said we're on a break and he isn't gonna date anyone else or sleep with someone else, and says he doesn't want to. He said we are going to wait for each other and that we're going to be back together in a few weeks or a few months... BUT he said if he happened to ever talk to a girl or like someone, he would let me know and hopes I do the same. He also said we are still going to talk all the time, hangout, and even still sleepover each others houses? That confused me. What is the point of you breaking up with me if we're still going to act like a couple? I kept going over boundaries with him after a couple of days saying how we need to limit time we talk and how we cannot have sex, but he continues to flirt with me, and send me nude photos of himself. More than he did before. He asks for photos too and says he's going to cuddle with me, sleep naked with me, etc. I told him it's dangerous and it's not going to help us, but he said there is nothing wrong with it. A lot of people are telling me he "wants his cake and eat it too". I don't wanna believe that... Ugh. I even asked him if he is sure he doesn't wanna date anyone else, and he told me he loves me and is telling everyone we're gonna be with each other again. I was supposed to go to NYC this month with him, but since he left me I guess that isn't happening and I seen online he asked his friends list who wants to go there with him. All of his friends on social media are females besides maybe 3 of them who are males who don't live in the state. So he obviously is asking a female to go with him. I brought that up and he said it would just be as "friends" if a girl went to NYC with him. I don't know if I have a right to be upset since we are sorta broken up? I know he would be very upset if I went and hung out with a guy since he told me when we were together that I wasn't allowed to hangout with guys unless he was present and same with him how he wants me there if another girl was around. But if we are on a break, does it even matter now? Do I have the right to be mad at him if he does? He says he wants me so I'm just confused by his actions right now. My friends, family, and my therapist think that this break is good for me. They know how he emotionally abuses me and how he says nasty things to me all of the time, how manipulative and controlling he is. They think that what he is doing right now is all manipulation. I have no idea what to think. I feel numb and I am so lost. I'm looking for some advice.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    This is difficult to read, due to not being broken up - but at a glance your other threads seem to offer lots of good advice regarding this relationship. It seems, you are not interested in following any of it? Lots of paranoia and mistrust here, and rightfully so. I'm sure someone else will chime in, but I would re-read advice given in your past threads, as I am pretty certain any new advice would not differ much from what has already been said.

    In a nutshell he does not sound like a good partner for you, certainly not someone you can feel secure with. Also, your therapist is right - that being separated from him would be a good thing for you. Erase all the blurred lines - continuing to act like a couple even while broken up is a choice. You don't have to comply with his wishes. If he was cheating on you while together he will certainly have sex with others while on this break. He wants to keep you on the back burner though, that's for sure. Nothing confusing here.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    The conversation led to him saying how he had talked about this to his whole family about how he doesn't know what he feels sometimes and how the spark between us has gone down. They all suggested a break. So he brought up how he thinks a break is good and how we both need to breathe and find ourselves.

    I would breakup up with him permanently. If he shares his dirty laundry with his whole family and bases his decision on what they say --- you want a man who keeps the relationship one on one. OR he really does want a break but is using them as "the bad guy' so you don't blame him - in otherwords passing the buck. I mean, i can see a guy asking dad for advice on whether he should buy a house now by himself or wait until he gets engaged or something like that but talking to his relatives about "spark?"

    And him telling you "i will tell you if i start liking someone else" is his way to sell you on the idea as well

    So take time to heal, forget about him in time and find a guy eventually who really wants to be with you and only you

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    This is a typical abuse tactic and if you say he is, then I wouldn't trust his intentions for flat minute. Abusers are master manipulators.
    Whenever you are getting mixed signals you can be pretty sure something rotten is going on.

  5. Thanks LaHermes thanked for this post

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