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Thread: Meeting parents of a guy friend - HELP

  1. #1
    Sunshinesun82
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    Meeting parents of a guy friend - HELP

    So I have a really close guy friend whose parents are here from abroad to visit him for two weeks. He asked me if I wanted to meet his parents. Well, his parents are here he told them that I am going to join them for a day trip next week. The thing is.... a lot of people assume that we are going out or like each other because we are so close. Apparently, guys and girls can't be friends. I am trying to see him as brother that I never had, but its been hard! We spoke 2 times about my feelings towards him but he responds saying that he is under depression and not ready now to start a relationship with anyone, it wouldt work, but he never said I dont see you as a partner in the future, in fact a couple of times he did said how "deep" our friendship and the best couples usualy come from best friends.... that he never had this with anyone in his life....
    I am really puzzled because I really like him but assumed that when I declared my fellings (2 times) he would either take the next step or make very clear to me that he likes me just as a friend! He is a 42 yo adult, he shouldt be playing with my feelings! He is a really nice person that I dont want out of my life, but I am strugling to move on with my personal life because I am in love with him and hopefull that he is also in love with me but taking his time due to his depression.
    There are so many times when I think there's more than friendship from his side because of the way he acts towards me.
    SO my question is -- do guys usually introduce a friend that is a girl to meet his parents and have an official trip with them?? Is this normal? I so not sure if it's no big deal but at the same time, I feel like it is because from what he has told me, he has never introduced a girl to his parents before. I'm kind of confused as to how he thinks of me enough to introduce me to his parents. I might be overthinking this, but I'm a woman so that's natural haha.
    Any comments about his feelings towards me are very welcome!

  2. #2
    LaHermes
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    Why is this 42 year old man depressed? And if he is as he says suffering from depression is he getting help for his condition?

    "but he responds saying that he is under depression and not ready now to start a relationship with anyone, it wouldt work"



    Bottom line: you are in love with him, and he isn't in love with you.

  3. #3
    Sunshinesun82
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    Thank you for your honest response, I really appreciate that - I mean it.
    He is seeing a psychiatrist, under medication and weekly counseling sessions. He is depressed because of major issues with his life long business which is dissolving. He never been suicidal, at leat is what he told me, but have had 2 other episodes of depression in his life.
    I want to belive that he doest love me and move on with my life, badly!
    But I keep receiving this "signals" that for me just doest make sense. The latest being meeting his parents. What makes a 42 yo man play with "peoples" feelings like that? I have opened my hearth to him VERY CLEARLY, why not just be clear and say what it is from his side?!
    I hate myself sometimes because I came to the same conclusion as you many times - he doest love me, otherwise depressed or not he would have already said or done something - but I really dont want his friendship out of my life.
    Can't he just get the impact of not being brutally honest is doing do me? I he just a attention seeker?

  4. #4
    Snny
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    The thing is.... a lot of people assume that we are going out or like each other because we are so close.
    Well yea, if you are meeting his parents exclusively without other friends joining in, that's the message you both are sending them. It does send a mixed signal when you are hanging out with his family the entire day with just him and then saying you aren't really together.

    In other cultures, it really comes across as being in a serious relationship when you meet the parents of a friend from the opposite gender. I didn't meet my husband's parents (also from overseas) until we were engaged because of that reason and it's apart of his Asian culture.

    We spoke 2 times about my feelings towards him but he responds saying that he is under depression and not ready now to start a relationship with anyone, it wouldt work, but he never said I dont see you as a partner in the future, in fact a couple of times he did said how "deep" our friendship and the best couples usualy come from best friends.... that he never had this with anyone in his life....
    Wait a sec. You said you see him as a close friend... But there are feelings involved? Even though he rejected you, he goes off saying that he wants to keep you around because "no one else makes him feel this way?"

    You guys need to work on communication and be ready to put the foot down on whether you two should remain "friends" or not. No more mixed messages, confusing jargon,or worrying about hurting feelings. You both need to be brutally honest with each other at this point, or this will carry on. It is so clear that it's either him stringing you along or you're playing the friendzone and waiting for his depression to go away. His parents will see that and it will not make a good lasting impression on them. If anything, it will make the day trip awkward.

    He is a 42 yo adult, he shouldt be playing with my feelings!
    People can be manipulative regardless of age. But in your case, he's not the manipulator. He has rejected your feelings already and you aren't taking "no" for an answer. People with depression should not be in relationships until they have it under control and can learn to be happy with themselves.

    He is a really nice person that I dont want out of my life, but I am strugling to move on with my personal life because I am in love with him and hopefull that he is also in love with me but taking his time due to his depression.
    I'm sorry, but you can't make people fall in love with you if they aren't. He has already told you why he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and is trying to let you down gently (but isn't making the right choices like inviting you to meet his parents).

    You need to find someone who shares the same love with you and is ready to be in a relationship. You are focusing too much of your time and energy on this person who doesn't reciprocate your feelings.

  5. #5
    LaHermes
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    Sunshine.

    I do think this is unfair to you that he doesn't state where he stands.

    Can't he just get the impact of not being brutally honest is doing do me? I he just a attention seeker?

    I can understand that you want his friendship, OP. But, there is a but, the difficulty is that you are in love with him, so it isn't "friendship".

    No idea why he wants you to meet his parents. I just don't know.

    Another point to remember is that people with a mental illness are not always coherent and insightful, and are maybe unable to act with decision and certainty.

  6. #6
    Snny
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    But I keep receiving this "signals" that for me just doest make sense. The latest being meeting his parents. What makes a 42 yo man play with "peoples" feelings like that? I have opened my hearth to him VERY CLEARLY, why not just be clear and say what it is from his side?!
    Then it is up to you to put the foot down and end all contact with him.

    I'm sorry there is no painless way to go about this. People who suffer from depression do not think logically most of the time. They are very fixated on their ups and downs which causes them to "not think ahead," or consider how their poor decision making are hurting the people around them. I'm not saying they shouldn't have friends, but that is the mindset for the majority of people who have depression. This guy is not thinking clearly of any consequences ahead- he's concerned about the gratification he's receiving from keeping you around. This does not make him a bad person per say, but it is selfish whether or not it's intentional.

    However, you have the more rationale to go about this. At the end of the day, you also have a call on making the better decision here.

  7. #7
    Sunshinesun82
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    Wow, Snny, Thank you so much for your response.
    The second time we spoke about my feelings (7 days ago) was when I explained him that I was on a dating site, met a couple of really nice guys, but I was unable to to even open myself to any of them simply because I had him in my mind (and its true, I cant feel anything for other man, just him). I explained, apologised and told him that I needed our friendship to be less "deep" and that from now on I would move on with my life, but I would be there for whatever he needed me, just as 2 true friends are.
    And what I got this morning was the invite to spend a day with him and his parents (just the 4 of us).
    Our friendship is "really deep", I never had such connection with anyone either, perhaps just my mother, we speak every day on the phone, spend days out at leat once/week, he helps me with my work everyday, he goes out of his way completly to help me. He spends more time with me each day than what my ex husband of 10 years ever had.
    We met on a dating site in January, started going out for dinners, and in a couple of months I asked what he wanted with me (1st time) and his excuse was the depression, plenty of nice words about myself, he didt want to mess up with me like he did to other women he tried while depressed, but DID SAY we never know where thigs may lead and I want to keep in touch with you as a friend!
    I am trying to be his friend so hard, but cant stop my life neither enjoying the mixed signals anymore - its been 7 months!
    I nearly declined the invite and may still do, but unfortunatelly I am very hopefull that perhaps it just his way to get his parents feelings/views about me, and finally make a decision!
    I really love him, with no doubt he ticks most the boxes for me. I just dont wnat to let him go, in case what he says about his depression is true and he is actually the man of my life.
    Help!

  8. #8
    LaHermes
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    Sunshine:

    "and his excuse was the depression, plenty of nice words about myself, he didt want to mess up with me like he did to other women he tried while depressed, but DID SAY we never know where thigs may lead and I want to keep in touch with you as a friend!"

    He must have depression or some other condition related thereto if, as you pointed out, he is seeing a psychiatrist, is on medication and on weekly therapy sessions. So evidently it is true.

    It has to be emphasised that a relationship (LT) with a person who has a mental illness is not easy, in fact it can be extremely difficult and challenging. Bear that in mind.

  9. #9
    DanZee
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    Oh, boy. I think the previous answers almost cover it all, but I'll take it a little further. Even in the US, meeting one's parents is serious business, and if he's Indian or Asian, it's REALLY serious. And to make things worse, he may have told them you're his girlfriend or even his fiancee to get them to stop nagging him about finding a girl to marry.

    But there's more to it than that. This guy is using you as a crutch. He's an emotional vampire. He's sucking your life from you. It sounds like he's completely taken over your life. Your maternal instincts have kicked in and you're trying to be nurturing. You're trying to nurse him back to health like a sick animal. But he's physically and mentally blocked you from meeting any new people. He's completely monopolized your time, trying to keep you all to himself. Cut you off from everybody else.

    Here's the big question: How do YOU feel? Your posts don't seem to have a shred of happiness in them. Relationships don't have to have so many problems.

    You didn't state your age. I'm guessing it's younger than him. You've got more life ahead of you. Try to break away from this guy.

  10. #10
    Sunshinesun82
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    Yes, have already thought a lot about this, and came to the conclusion that from what I saw so far, it's something I wouldn't mind having a go.
    I am not an inexperienced woman, been married and survived others breakups. I hope to know what I am choosing.
    If was any other man, perhaps I would have already put my foot down long ago.
    This time, I am choosing to give him the time because I have true feelings about him and from knowing him I can't believe he is the kind of man that would play anyone's feelings.
    I just don't want to let the man of my life go because I could not understand and respect his illness.
    But in the other hand, I am a woman, 35 years old, who still wanting to have a family, meet the one, etc and having enough "love for myself" to see that I can be wasting my time with someone that my not see me the same way because of his feelings or depression.
    I so want this to end, one way or another but scared to make a mistake by not giving him the time.

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