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Thread: Meeting parents of a guy friend - HELP

  1. #31
    Snny
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    Quote Originally Posted by DancingFool [Register to see the link]
    ...I have friends literally from all over the world. No, when it comes to friendship there is no special meaning....because you ARE just friends. Parents are not that dumb. It's only big deal if it actually is something more. I do agree that he could be dangling something in front of the OP's nose knowing that she might read something more into it than what's warranted.
    They are taking a whole day trip together. She is the only one invited to join his family. Why are other friends not invited? That's the part that bothers me the most.

    If my husband and I were not together and he did what the OP's friend is planning to do his parents would literally be like What The F**? And I have visited their country before and it's seriously like that. It would be a big culture shock to them and they would pressure him like "Why are you wasting time with this girl instead of finding a date! The hell's the matter with you? Are you telling us that you are GAY?"

  2. #32
    abitbroken
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshinesun82 [Register to see the link]
    "If his dad is prescribing him meds from Brazil - that's messed up"

    Yes, I did wonder before about your point, and how much trust his father is placing on his son that is actually mentally ill. I felt better when I heard many of his chats with his mother and father and witnessed the open relashionship and trust. They have daily contact over the phone and never spent a month away (his family have a flat in London and spend many months here over the year) so they can "watch" him closely.
    He is a very respected doctor in Brazil and I "hope" I can say now that this isn't an issue.
    Perhaps I need to be sure more than anything that I am not being selfish by not giving him the time to be ready to enter in a relationship with me. Meeting his parents might be it.
    And either way, whatever I find (if I do find) I may feel better with myself.

    Good person, because of his care, attention with me - I also own a Nursery School that is not doing great at its first year because of my lack of "business knowledge". it has a lot of potential but I just hate numbers! and over the last 3 months he has spend many hours of each of his days helping me with all the spreadsheets, marketing, etc, etc.
    He never asked a penny, neither have access to my passwords. He comes over, designs the plans, sheets, adverts, etc and when I asked to pay he claims that he is doing it for his best ever friend.
    I share my worse days with him, hours on the phone, he listens and helps me to calm down and find the way out.
    His business is based in Brazil (International Trading) and is breaking due to the current finantial crisis. He is now building a branch here, that will trade withnother countries.
    He is a genuine good person - he doesnt need my money or my business.
    I told him, he is now taking the place that I would expect from "the perfect partner" but he is not obviosly waking up on my side me. And that I want more from a partner.
    By him doing this I am struglung to fall in love with any other man, I said every single word of this frase to him.
    I am not chasing him, I want to keep his friendship because I want to believe that he is a true friend that I should not let go of a true friend, just because I can't separate my feelings. I am trying really hard to get to know someone else so I can start seeing him as a friend only - but it doest work!

    But this lat week has been mad, as I told him I have made the decision of keeping him away from my personal life and slow down his help with my business - I was expecting that as a true friend (with no other intention) would help me to get on with my personal life, and the least stop calling me every morning asking about my day, my dog, my staff, etc. And no few days later he say that his parents would like to meet me, and perhaps a day out.
    Am I the mad one perhaps? lol
    There is a reason why people who are doctors do not not treat relatives on serious matters such as this. Yes sure --- they give immediate urgent care in the home to their kids with wounds, etc, but there is some care that they need to pass off because they are too close to the person and are not objective when it comes to psychological matters or some chronic illnesses that require the adult child or relative to make a choice without being emotionally steered to what the parent wants. I have a doctor in the family and their children do not see them as patients.

    I hate to say it, but the two of you have a very codependent relationship. He and you have created a situation where you can't expell him from your life because he fills the need for you where you don't have business skills and also you rely on him for personal counseling---- think about it -- someone who has a mental illness/depression is counseling YOU on emotional matters? How rational is that? You don't even know if he is doing your accounting accurately. And you are too responsible for his feelings. You talk about "true friends" and your obligation to "keep" a true friend when in fact -- this man should not be your friend and is not being a friend. he is being an emotional leach on you and you are doing the same to him. You are not getting what you need deep down here.

    If you need business help - i don't know if its the same where you live, but in the US we have a volunteer organization of mostly retired business people who meet with people one on one to mentor them in business matters. There is also a business development office at county level that gives seminars/question and answer sessions.

    Also, you have the view that you can't see yourself with another man and that's because he's smothering you and you let him. No man is going to come near you while this emotional incestuous blood sucking relationship is going on. You will never notice or be emotionally available unless you put distance between yourself and this man -- the whole thing smacks of very poor boundaries. And his family is the same way.

  3. #33
    abitbroken
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    btw, are his parents bringing medicine with them because i doubt a doctor in Brazil can prescribe medication from Brazil and fill it in England legally. It is potentially an abusive situation if this is the case where mom and dad are bringing meds and he has not sought the care of a psychiatrist and has not participated in talk therapy as a supplement. Dad could be off the mark with what med he actually needs if he needs one and it does not make someone take responsibility for themselves simply by taking meds

  4. #34
    Sunshinesun82
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    He is seeing a psychiatrist as well as a therapist. He can legally prescribe meds here, he is a well-respected doctor that have private clinics worldwide. He is a Clinical neuropsychologists , so he can treat neurological, medical, neurodevelopmental, psychiatric and cognitive and learning disorders.
    Anyway - Point taken, abibroken. I have always questioned the trating own son subject, perhaps much comes from his parents, trying o look after him to the point of medicating him with antidepressives, His father must to have trust that he will never let him down by not opening his heart and mind completly, therefore his father must feel that it is safe to do so. He certanly depends of his fathers "conseling" to much more in his life - which I know is not a good place to be as a partner of his

  5. #35
    Sunshinesun82
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    he started to help me with the business when I mentioned that I was going to seek business experts help. He is not doing my final accounts, I I do have an accountant looking after the taxes and all other major issues. he is helping me with the day to day, like if I was paying for a business consultant or business developmet guy. But he goes beyond that he fiils the spreadsheets, because at one ocasion I said that I hate doing it (I can do, just dont like doing it).
    I know, he has taken part of a massive amount of my life, and I allowed it hoping that he was doing it to be around me and eventually take the next step towards us.
    I did wonder as well if perhaps he is doing it all (business, counselling) to truly get to know me before committing to a relationship, so he could know 110% where he stands and avoid another difficult break up. He did say many times that he wants his relationship to be one and for life, just as his parents.

    So, I must go to this "meet my parents day out" just so I can have the peace of mind that I have given him all the opportunities that I should/could. And whatever comes from it may allow me sleep knowing that I have not missed the man of my life FOR SURE, but SURE that I got rid of a life sucker
    Please, share your thoughts!

  6. #36
    abitbroken
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshinesun82 [Register to see the link]
    He is seeing a psychiatrist as well as a therapist. He can legally prescribe meds here, he is a well-respected doctor that have private clinics worldwide. He is a Clinical neuropsychologists , so he can treat neurological, medical, neurodevelopmental, psychiatric and cognitive and learning disorders.
    Anyway - Point taken, abibroken. I have always questioned the trating own son subject, perhaps much comes from his parents, trying o look after him to the point of medicating him with antidepressives, His father must to have trust that he will never let him down by not opening his heart and mind completly, therefore his father must feel that it is safe to do so. He certanly depends of his fathers "conseling" to much more in his life - which I know is not a good place to be as a partner of his
    Yes --- but you don't "counsel" your family members for a good reason. Like i said before, there is a doctor in my family and they do not treat their own children beyond wounds and bumps from playing around the neighborhood or if they get a simple cold or the bug going around. They treat more intense wounds than the average parent would, of course, but they do not treat their children for deeper issues - and depression, mental illness, or chronic issues at all because there is something they would overlook or miss being the parent.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshinesun82 [Register to see the link]
    he started to help me with the business when I mentioned that I was going to seek business experts help. He is not doing my final accounts, I I do have an accountant looking after the taxes and all other major issues. he is helping me with the day to day, like if I was paying for a business consultant or business developmet guy. But he goes beyond that he fiils the spreadsheets, because at one ocasion I said that I hate doing it (I can do, just dont like doing it).
    I know, he has taken part of a massive amount of my life, and I allowed it hoping that he was doing it to be around me and eventually take the next step towards us.
    I did wonder as well if perhaps he is doing it all (business, counselling) to truly get to know me before committing to a relationship, so he could know 110% where he stands and avoid another difficult break up. He did say many times that he wants his relationship to be one and for life, just as his parents.

    So, I must go to this "meet my parents day out" just so I can have the peace of mind that I have given him all the opportunities that I should/could. And whatever comes from it may allow me sleep knowing that I have not missed the man of my life FOR SURE, but SURE that I got rid of a life sucker
    Please, share your thoughts!
    Okay --- that is where your boundaries are not as strong as they should be. People who are codependent get themselves too overinvolved in other people's affairs intentionally or inadvertently so the other person has to have them in their life out of requirement. And you are allowing it. So he "rescued" your situation. Instead of saying "Great. That's a good idea to get business advice," He suddenly is a business advice expert. You don't give the reins over to someone to have that much influence in your life in *hopes* that they will give you a bigger relationship commitment. No. You date someone. You do not involve them in your business or finances and you move on to a commitment not be "earning" it by giving them more and more control in your life but just because you are two emotionally mature people who are in love. Also, you don't know for sure if the "business advice" was in your best interest or is slanted towards you needing him as an integral part. Find someone a bit older than you who has been in business longer that runs a daycare or ran a daycare as a business mentor instead.

    This is *not* the man of your life. Granted, the man of our life is who we choose to be - but he cannot give you what you want - he doesn't even want to give you a relationship.

    watch the words you choose- -- you want to have peace of mind that "i have given him all the opportunities i should". He is not your child. He is a grown man. He is not capable of the relationship that you need and want. Its not about "having an opportunity". He has no holds barred access to you. And yet he is not capable of a romantic relationship. You should treat yourself as someone of value that is not obligated to give unhealthy people access to you -- you can't think of being with anyone else...but you are not even WITH him.

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