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Thread: Meeting parents of a guy friend - HELP

  1. #21
    Sunshinesun82

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    We both are Brazilians, i have been here for 10 years he 5 years. Brazil is very diverse, doest fit anywhere in terms of culture.
    He is from a very VERY wealthy and educated family, his father is a neurologist, who prescribes his medication (not his psychiatrist or therapist).
    His relationship with his family is very open, his mother was key to help him to get out of a depressive episode that happened after a partner breaking up with him, This episode ended 6 years ago.
    He says that his parents know a lot about me, and they would like to meet me. (what I don't believe to be true, I believe it's him - but who knows)
    He said that he was bought up in a loving and caring family, and his mother knows everything about his life, I witnessed several phone conversations between them.
    So I am willing to meet his family "very awkward" indeed, but this may give me the responses I so desperately need.
    But also feel like erasing him of life so badly!
    Please all, any comments are very welcome

  2. #22
    LaHermes
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    Right.

    So he was in a partnership before and for some reason it caused him to become a depressive.

    Maybe no one else wants to take him on, no other woman that is. And his parents/family are aware of this. So maybe they think you will take him on.....
    Just a thought.
    Stranger things happen.

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  4. #23
    Sunshinesun82

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    Yes, Lahermes
    everything crossed my mind already!
    He might want to impress me with his parent's money, so I stick around even more - he made clear his parents are paying
    He might have such an open relationship with his parents, that perhaps he wants his parents views about me, scared of getting into a much deeper place if the relationship breaks,
    Maybe he is following his following his parent's professional advice to do not get into a relationship until fully recovered.
    Maybe i am reading into everything and he is just so confused inside his head that can't see the obvious fact that getting to know his parents IS A BIG DEAL, even more after the last weeks chat.
    I just cant work out his head at all.

  5. #24
    LaHermes
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    No you can't work out his head, Sunshine. And he can't work out his own head either, which is worse. I wonder if there is more wrong with him that mere "depression"......
    Maybe recovery, as we understand it, is not on the cards for him.

    Anyhow, I suppose no harm in meeting them on a friendly basis, have the day out, keep it light-hearted. But if they do probe make it very clear you are not taking on any "projects". You understand.

  6. #25
    Sunshinesun82

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    Yes, I feel it's I should go, meeting and see what happens. It might give more clarity either way.
    I have wondered several times if possibly there is more than just depression, he told me he doest have much side effects from his meds such as impotence.
    We spoke about wishes of having children, I clearly stated that I do at some point, but he says he never had the feeling yet, but he made clear this may change if its important for a future partner.
    He did suggest that he starting to be worried of needing his medication for life, which I know from other people leading a fairly "normal" life.
    At few occasions when was late and I offered him to stay over in the spare room, (where did not make sence for anyone to leave) he rushed out and I wondered if it was because he was without his medication.
    Apart from it, having spending a lot of time with him I cant see what else can be?
    And perhaps I stillhave a lot to learn about his mental health

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  8. #26
    LaHermes
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    I wouldn't analyze his mental health to much Sunshine. Don't waste your time.
    It could be something more serious than mere depression, and he doesn't want to say........

    A lifetime with a mentally ill person would drag you down. You would become a sort of caretaker, you'd have no life, it would be seriously awful.

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  10. #27
    Sunshinesun82

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    Yes, I see what you mean.
    And can explain the meeting his parent's thing, so they can help him to make a decision or even share more facts about him.
    I hope not, as he is a real good person. But Hey!
    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts

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  12. #28
    Sunshinesun82

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    Quote Originally Posted by Snny [Register to see the link]
    You shouldn't have apologized. This is showing a sign of weakness and indecisiveness. You are not together with him. You did nothing wrong and are trying to move forward. You had every right to look up people on a dating website and explore other options. Please stick with the plan.

    Definitely decline the invite. Tell him he should be spending time with his parents alone unless other friends are joining his family. And stand firm to this.


    Surely you have other friends whom you can chat spend time with? Because constantly contacting/hanging out with him does come off as you are dating him.


    Clearly you DO want to let him go if you signed up with a dating website. And deep down you also know this man cannot GIVE what you want from him. He has explicitly told you that he isn't looking for a relationship and he is unable to make coerce decisions based on his mental state, yet earlier you accused him of playing mind games.

    It is what it is. No one is playing you here.

    Thanks for your views Snny,
    we have discussed more about this and I would really appreciate if you can share any more of your views based on the other replies, if you do have any more to share.
    I am now inclined to meet his parents, so far I think it may bring me some understanding.
    please share your honest opinion if you can.

  13. #29
    abitbroken
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    If his dad is prescribing him meds from Brazil - that's messed up. I get that he's a neurologist but doubt he would have access to all of his son's records and he really needs to talk to a psychiatrist/psychotherapist if its about moods and depression. It seems after the new information, his parents are way too involved in his life -- with mom "helping him" after a break up and dad medicating him. If someone does marry him, they'd be also marrying mom and dad. Its just overstepping and not appropriate. What answers will you seek or what does this "explain" to you by meeting them. Will you be convinced that you need to stay out of his life after that seeing them - or will you take over as caretaker of him even more because they make you feel bad?

    You keep saying he is "good" person. What do you mean by this? That he wouldn't rob a bank? Ok. But he is not good for YOUR mental state or well being.

    knowing more about his parents from what you said speaks a lot -- he is very codependent with his parents and you are codependent with him as well.

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  15. #30
    Sunshinesun82

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    "If his dad is prescribing him meds from Brazil - that's messed up"

    Yes, I did wonder before about your point, and how much trust his father is placing on his son that is actually mentally ill. I felt better when I heard many of his chats with his mother and father and witnessed the open relashionship and trust. They have daily contact over the phone and never spent a month away (his family have a flat in London and spend many months here over the year) so they can "watch" him closely.
    He is a very respected doctor in Brazil and I "hope" I can say now that this isn't an issue.
    Perhaps I need to be sure more than anything that I am not being selfish by not giving him the time to be ready to enter in a relationship with me. Meeting his parents might be it.
    And either way, whatever I find (if I do find) I may feel better with myself.

    Good person, because of his care, attention with me - I also own a Nursery School that is not doing great at its first year because of my lack of "business knowledge". it has a lot of potential but I just hate numbers! and over the last 3 months he has spend many hours of each of his days helping me with all the spreadsheets, marketing, etc, etc.
    He never asked a penny, neither have access to my passwords. He comes over, designs the plans, sheets, adverts, etc and when I asked to pay he claims that he is doing it for his best ever friend.
    I share my worse days with him, hours on the phone, he listens and helps me to calm down and find the way out.
    His business is based in Brazil (International Trading) and is breaking due to the current finantial crisis. He is now building a branch here, that will trade withnother countries.
    He is a genuine good person - he doesnt need my money or my business.
    I told him, he is now taking the place that I would expect from "the perfect partner" but he is not obviosly waking up on my side me. And that I want more from a partner.
    By him doing this I am struglung to fall in love with any other man, I said every single word of this frase to him.
    I am not chasing him, I want to keep his friendship because I want to believe that he is a true friend that I should not let go of a true friend, just because I can't separate my feelings. I am trying really hard to get to know someone else so I can start seeing him as a friend only - but it doest work!

    But this lat week has been mad, as I told him I have made the decision of keeping him away from my personal life and slow down his help with my business - I was expecting that as a true friend (with no other intention) would help me to get on with my personal life, and the least stop calling me every morning asking about my day, my dog, my staff, etc. And no few days later he say that his parents would like to meet me, and perhaps a day out.
    Am I the mad one perhaps? lol
    Last edited by Sunshinesun82; 08-02-2017 at 07:13 PM. Reason: spelling

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