Taking a one step back for (hopefully) two steps forward.

Its been some 6 years since I've needed to visit this helpful forum, however I feel myself resorting to seek guidance once again.

I've been in a fantastic relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years, which started when she was 22 (I was 26). We were introduced by our mutual friends in the summer of 2012, when I moved into the city as part of a work based relocation and she was studying her for Master degree in one of the city's top universities. We would see each other a couple of times a week, maybe more, through out that year as we both lived within a short train journey from one another.

In 2013 I moved back to my hometown to complete restorations on a property i owned. At the same time, she moved back with her parents having completed her studying. Her parents live local to my property so there was no real impact on our relationship. Once my restoration was finished, I moved in with a friend and she stayed a few nights a week. This arrangement lasted almost 2 1/2 years, when we decided that we should live together. My friend had move in with his girlfriend, and meant we had the property to ourselves. We'd been together 3 1/2 years before we moved in together, which was the summer of 2016.

However, her moving in came under somewhat awkward circumstances. Having proposed she move in a number of occasions, she had always been hesitant. She's always been an independent girl, wanting to live in the city like so many of her university friends. She wanted to do so much in her early 20's that she hadn't been able to (travel / live in the city / work aboard), and she felt she was too young to move in with me. She saw moving in has sacrificing all these things, and that is would outline greater statements (such as marriage) without question. I didn't put as much emphasis on the importance of moving in (and its apparent life changing commitments), it was merely the next step of our relationship to see if we could live together.

She remained hesitant, but we decided that she would temporarily move in as a trail to see if we enjoyed it. It was an easier commute for her (into the city takes around 40 mins), and would enable her the chance to save following the private funding of her student loan. I was living a fairly modest life, so there was no financial incentive for her to move in on my end. She's been living with me ever since, and we've enjoyed living together - even saying how happy we've been on a regular basis. We've talked about my intentions for kids at 35, and how i hoped that we could be in a position to get engaged in the few years.

........Then, following a visit to see her former work colleague and her partner a few weeks ago, she mentioned that they had a room to rent for 7 weeks between tenants, and asked my opinion on her taking it. Alone. I've always considered myself fairly mature when it comes to relationships, so stated that I didn't like it & that it was a step back for both our relationship and her. Selfishly, I thought that living together would be more of a driver for her than living apart somewhere else. She wanted to experience life in the City, as living in the suburbs felt like she was settling for a home life she wasn't ready for. She wanted to experience it whilst she could, without the huge expense of a 6 month tenancy - as a taster for US moving in later in the year. I was always for the idea of US, as I too was feeling the restrictions of living away from the vibrant city in which I work for 3/4 days a week. I too was guilty of becoming comfortable in the easy life, in a property I owned close to my family and friends that was a 30min drive to my office. It also made huge financial sense for both of us, and renting in the city is exceptionally expensive, even for a small 1 bed apartment.

We want to remain very much together (her new place would no more than 30 mins away), and provide us with City base so we can "live" city life for 7 weeks. But it too would be a lot of nights apart. At this moment, I've agreed to her leaving on the basis that it will (hopefully) enable us to move on once she moves back in September.

The crux of the matter is, I want us to be together, and for her to commit to us long term. At this moment, she feels she can't until she's done more of things shes wanted to do in her 20's. We are both in love with one another, and want our relationship to progress, but she doesn't want to look back with regrets. Nore do I want to feel like I've prevented her. My concern is that, and his maybe me overthinking it, that this her way of peeking over the fence to if life really is greener before making a bigger decision. I don't want to facilitate my own downfall.

Apologies for the rambling - I've cut alot out but I think the key points are there.

What exactly does she do with her leisure time in the city? Does she go out to bars several times a week with friends? Why would living with you prevent her from traveling? Does she still plan on working abroad?

30 minutes is nothing as far as travel time goes, if you want to go to art museums, or trendy restaurants. Why is that 7 weeks so important to her?

From what you've written, she's monogamous with you, but hasn't changed her behavior by evolving into a normal couplehood. It sounds like everything she desires doesn't involve you. Usually a strong couple speaks of what travel they will do together in the future. They have a group of friends to hang out with, or another couple. They speak of future plans of where to live and if they will have children or not. What was her response of you wanting an engagement in the next few years and having children in about 4 years?

Of course a person should spend some time without a partner, with friends and hobbies, but that needs to be a healthy balance. It sounds like she's seeking more time away from you than what is normal.

Is there a possibility she's not as in love with you as you think, but is too cowardly to break up? What would happen if you let her take the lead in communication and how often to get together when she's apart from you for 7 weeks? Why don't you try that to see how much effort she puts in? If it's very little, maybe you have to admit how incompatible you are with relationship goals. It doesn't sound like she meets your major needs, despite the love you have for her.

What does she do to make you feel special? Does she call to tell you she misses you when you're apart? Does she buy things at the store you are running short on? Does she care for you when you're sick? Does she put great thought into your birthday/Christmas gifts? Does she compliment you? Or are you the only glue holding a fragile package together?

Yes, after this long of a time together, you do need to question if you should stay together or end things. After five years together, if she can't commit to getting engaged in two years, I'd call it quits.

A case of a caged bird doesn't sing. You guys got together very very young and she has always been true to her desires to experience certain aspects of life and lifestyle. At the moment an opportunity came up to do just that. If I were you, I'd actually support it. Reason being is that if you don't, you'll lose her anyway. If she doesn't get to experience what she has always been craving because of you, resentment will set in and it will destroy your relationship. While it may seem totally counter intuitive, you simply can't hang on to someone by hanging on to them. So instead of resisting it, embrace the opportunity yourself. Both of you take full advantage of this location and the opportunity it affords, enjoy it, have fun with it. Use it as a chance to spark up and spice up your life and relationship, a way to get out of the same old same old rut. Basically, this can work to bond you close together and bring about new fun experiences that you both share.

Your in the unfortunate position where you want to do something more than she does. In this case her living with you.

I'm not sure what it is she is wishing to experience but she does seem to want to experience some things at least, without you. In my experience, a woman in love doesn't give a rats backside about the city lights unless she's experiencing them with you.

She's also calling the shots here, which isnt the best place to be. I'd recommend completely backing away on the moving in front, and never propose to her on any emotional matters. Let her be the one to come to you about getting closer, talking about moving in and having kids. Don't bring it up again.

Have fun with her, and don't isolate her in your mind as the 'one.' The fact is, you've been into her more than she's into you and that rarely bodes well for the man.

Back away, and let her come to you. Use the time to work on yourself and see what happens from there.

I wouldn't be thinking of marriage and kids with a woman doing this, or even a long term partner. Sorry to say that there is the possibility of her attention wondering to the man who isnt emotionally invested in her. You could have less of an emotional investment and see what happens from there. I'm a bit older and cynical and would only see her as a good times GF in all honesty.

Apologies i wasn't clear - the 7 weeks is a period where her friend and husband have a spare room before another couple have move in on a long term let. She's not a massive drinker, but alot of university friends and work colleagues live in the city - along with her older Sister.

We have certainly spoken about marriage and kids, having have built a wide variety of friends (mostly couples) between us. We discussed traveling before we "settle down" - however both out work commitments have meant we have ended up taken multiple breaks over the years, rather than a prolonged trip.

I have come to the conclusion that we may well be in different stages of our lives - and that at this moment at least, we aren't as compatible as i once believed.

Thanks - i really needed to hear something like this. After my personal deliberation, I came to the same conclusion. I can't be the reason for her to not do what she wants to do, nore do i want to inprision her in situation or location where she isn't happy. I don't want her to end of resenting me. I certainly see the benefits of the move for us, it was just getting my head round how seperation could do this.

Very much embracing your last sentence. Thanks you.

She is going to do it anyway. The key here will be the result of this experiment.

My experience having once been a young woman very similar to her - when I wanted that much space from my partner, it was because I wasn't so sure it was the right relationship for me anymore. Yes, I wanted the experiences of being independent and that also meant independent from my boyfriend at the time. I didn't totally recognize it yet, but we had grown apart and I was feeling more and more sure he wasn't the one for me any longer.

I have a feeling that's what's happening here. She is smart not to commit when she's not ready, but just don't be too surprised if at the end of this 7 weeks, she's not too eager to move back in with you. This experience could go either way: she might miss you a lot and decide she's ready to take the next step...or (and I think this is more likely, sadly) she will realize how much she values and enjoys being a "single" woman in the city and decide to stay there.

Exactly that, its the outcome of the experiment that will dictate the future.

It sounds corny, but I've always thought about the saying "a sign of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". i've always thought if something isnt quite right, or not working how it should, something needs to change. Applying it to my current situation, I've taken her moving out as part of the route in which she figures out if what she want's long term. I also am able to get an answer without having to drag this out any further.

You may well be right, she may well decided that a single girl in the city is what she wants. Hell, at her age i did exactly the same thing. If thats the case, I will at least know. I can get on with moving on then, without having to continue to question her commitment.

So, here we are again.

As the original thread title suggests, my Girlfriend of 5 years has taken a step back from our relationship following her 6 1/2 week stint in the city. And, if I'm honest, I expected it.

We are in two different places in our lives - I am ready for commitment, marriage, children. She remains fearful of her 20's passing her by without achieving what she wanted (to this day, I don't even know what that is). With a number of weddings we've had this year, the realisation has hit her that it's not uncommon to make long term commitments at her age. Nore is it after the length of time we've been together.

I've done everything I feel I can to help her through this, to accommodate her desires to live away, to hold fire on booking holidays and importantly giving her the space she needs. There's nothing more I can do.

It all came ahead last night, which resulted in the realisation that neither of us was truly happy with the situation. I was conscious that time was a factor, and questioned how much more I wished to put towards a resolution that may ultimately end in the same result. We both are at our crossroads in our lives, and both decisions require us to take different directions.

So, I'm trying to learn from previous mistakes. Actually reading my previous thread made me question ALOT about myself, both now and back then. I'm not going to facilitate this break up and make it easy for her. I don't mean that with any angry or hurtful tone, I'm merely giving her exactly what she asked for. SPACE. The soon she realises what life is like without me, the clearer her path will become. As much as I don't want this to end, I'd be kidding myself that helping her through this process will somehow help me. I've been the nice EX before - and all that does is prolong the pain.

Just a ramble post, apologies for the length.

A case of a caged bird doesn't sing. You guys got together very very young and she has always been true to her desires to experience certain aspects of life and lifestyle. At the moment an opportunity came up to do just that. If I were you, I'd actually support it. Reason being is that if you don't, you'll lose her anyway. If she doesn't get to experience what she has always been craving because of you, resentment will set in and it will destroy your relationship. While it may seem totally counter intuitive, you simply can't hang on to someone by hanging on to them. So instead of resisting it, embrace the opportunity yourself. Both of you take full advantage of this location and the opportunity it affords, enjoy it, have fun with it. Use it as a chance to spark up and spice up your life and relationship, a way to get out of the same old same old rut. Basically, this can work to bond you close together and bring about new fun experiences that you both share.

What he said! You are both young, man. You are trying to settle before she is ready. Do it, and if it doesnt work out then it wasnt meant to work out. Your life will still go on and you will still meet someone else. Have fun yourself. Dont cling on to something because you are afraid to lose it.

"At this moment, she feels she can't until she's done more of things shes wanted to do in her 20's."

So did some of us, until we got the chance...then we realised we were a lot more settled that we liked to think we were.

Just read your last post after I posted mine...an I still stand by what I said.Look's like you have to resign yourself to the fact that she needs or wants to do this. If you give her space she may come back and she may not, Such is life. If oyu keep trying to corall her, she definitely wont