Apps dating - an unknown animal

Hi guys, just wanted to exchange experiences on apps dating. I've been doing this for seven months now, and am still single and looking lol.

There are tons and tons of people, it seems. Just like in a shopping mall. You think you want shoes, think again, the choice is staggering. So you go and try on shoes. You even have some for a few weeks or months. But then inevitably something doesn't work. And here's what I think doesn't work. Everybody seems to espouse the view that "ah, if its not the perfect-perfect, absolutely amazing fit, scrap it, and shop for new shoes". It is also quite thrilling to be back - the choice of shoes seems only to be better. And again you're in the game. I heard that statistically speaking success rate of app dating is very low. And apparently shrewd developers realised that it's not in their interest to have people matched and go. They are better hooked and looking.

The attention span of people is so low. They don't give second chances. Why to bother? Coffee dates become interviews instead of something where people try and have fun.

There was an interesting article in Tatler that I will try and post here. A Moneyball Dating Strategy. Basically, a hedge fund guy tries to apply maths to solve dating problems. He says, by no means he will assume that the pool is endless. This is complete and utter illusion. He will limit the pool to a reasonable number, then date about 40% of the pool, damp them, and then (!) get serious with the next candidate from the pool. Why? Because by then he will have developed some judgement of what's in there for him, what combinations he can reasonably have. Once he got some taste and experience, boom, one needs to lock oneself in a choice. If choice is not made, it's a lost case. Like in a perfume store, one can wonder for hours and won't get anything other than a headache. It makes a lot of sense to me.

Online dating works depending on what service you use. If it's a free app. Most likely it will not work.

If you know how to work statistics and read profiles better. You have a chance of meeting people that share the same relationship goals as you.

Freakonomics had a chapter on online dating. Pretty much explains that most often people will lie about who they are. Reading profiles and pictures are a good way to catch fakes. The guy with average looks will treat you better because the more attractive guy is the community bike. I hope that helps.

Good luck.

Everybody seems to espouse the view that "ah, if its not the perfect-perfect, absolutely amazing fit, scrap it, and shop for new shoes". It is also quite thrilling to be back - the choice of shoes seems only to be better. And again you're in the game.

 

The attention span of people is so low. They don't give second chances. Why to bother? Coffee dates become interviews instead of something where people try and have fun.

I'm not currently in the dating pool, but from what I am seeing, I agree. It's a consumer mentality. Seems like people have become so uptight and judgmental. Just relax and have fun already. Get to know someone.

Just be careful when you swipe right.

As with any tool, it ultimately boils down to the user. Online dating is by and large a game of numbers. It requires a pretty tough and finely tuned filter, both in terms of who you choose to respond to in email and who you choose to go on a second date with. It's as much a consumer mentality as someone who has options at a large grocery store vs. someone hitting up their local bodega. There's something to be said for someone you meet in real life through some form of mutual connection or activity and meeting someone in a completely strange context, neither of you owing or risking anything with one another.

That's not a knock on OLD. Just a testament to it being simply what it is. It's an expansion of options meant to supplement your real-life social networking. I absolutely loved online dating. I also didn't simply meet someone because they had a pretty face and messaged me a "how r u." I also didn't bother with a meet after our initial coffee if I didn't genuinely feel both of us were into each other.

I know I've said it a million times, but at the end of the day, the only way you can date wrongly is if you're not enjoying it. Online dating isn't for anyone just as meeting at a bar isn't, or meeting up at a dance class. I can completely empathize with the feeling of a date feeling like an interview. That was my entire match.com experience, and it's when I swore off paid dating sites. Again, it could have very well been a user issue on my part, but for the life of me, I couldn't find a date who didn't feel the need to bring up marriage and kids or give me a 50-item questionnaire over coffee. But I simply stopped and went back to free sites.

Dunno what to tell you other than, if you're not feeling it, take a breather. Dating's tedious enough without making a grind out of it.

As with any tool, it ultimately boils down to the user. Online dating is by and large a game of numbers. It requires a pretty tough and finely tuned filter, both in terms of who you choose to respond to in email and who you choose to go on a second date with. It's as much a consumer mentality as someone who has options at a large grocery store vs. someone hitting up their local bodega. There's something to be said for someone you meet in real life through some form of mutual connection or activity and meeting someone in a completely strange context, neither of you owing or risking anything with one another.

 

That's not a knock on OLD. Just a testament to it being simply what it is. It's an expansion of options meant to supplement your real-life social networking. I absolutely loved online dating. I also didn't simply meet someone because they had a pretty face and messaged me a "how r u." I also didn't bother with a meet after our initial coffee if I didn't genuinely feel both of us were into each other.

 

I know I've said it a million times, but at the end of the day, the only way you can date wrongly is if you're not enjoying it. Online dating isn't for anyone just as meeting at a bar isn't, or meeting up at a dance class. I can completely empathize with the feeling of a date feeling like an interview. That was my entire match.com experience, and it's when I swore off paid dating sites. Again, it could have very well been a user issue on my part, but for the life of me, I couldn't find a date who didn't feel the need to bring up marriage and kids or give me a 50-item questionnaire over coffee. But I simply stopped and went back to free sites.

 

Dunno what to tell you other than, if you're not feeling it, take a breather. Dating's tedious enough without making a grind out of it.

Good points, Jman. The app dating is another dimension of online dating. There are no profiles these days, barely a couple of pictures, and a bit of text, and very often none. It is supposed to make it easier for the busy lot. I met guys with only one picture and no text, and they were very decent guys. What I am saying is this: we can't have filters on some of the very commonly used apps, and even if we can, they are largely useless. I am not going to reject someone who has no formal education or works in an unsexy industry, am I? I met great guys with no formal education and working in IT or telecoms (yikes on paper, awesome in reality).

"There's something to be said for someone you meet in real life through some form of mutual connection or activity", "It's an expansion of options meant to supplement your real-life social networking". - I don't know many folks my age (40 with children) who met anyone at any activity. There is no time for activities for people like myself. Work, home, gym, cooking, weekends with kids, commute and coffee shops. I am trying to see if I can join a cycling club, London is big on cycling.

Yes, people do still meet in bars and pubs, but that's not my cup of tea. I much prefer on line dating which I find a lot of fun, and I absolutely love it. But the results are worrying. Seven months, and I went on lots and lots of dates, and still do, had three short terms relationships that left me wondering what am I doing wrong.

Can you expand on this please "I also didn't bother with a meet after our initial coffee if I didn't genuinely feel both of us were into each other". If I only go by this very high level of mutual attraction, I would have only gone with three guys on second dates. And I have dated these three, and they were all wrong for me, it turns out. Then I read that it's not the level of mutual attraction that's important but common goals, same values and if we enjoy their company. So they say that attraction can be 5-6, but compatibility must be 9. The attraction will apparently grow when those things are in place. I am now in the process of testing this approach. Currently dating two guys with attraction level 5-6, but see that with one it's going to 7 and even 8. However, one thing about him bothers me a LOT.

He's 48 never married, no kids. Very successful, smart, funny and attractive guy. So if I look at history of his relationships 9/10 he broke up with the girls. And the one who broke up with him did it as a pre-emptive move, so she was sure he was going to damp her at some point. And he tells me look, it might be different this time, I tried hard. But what happens is that he always always deconstructs the girl, always finds faults with her that then grow in his mind, and he is ready to call it quits. I am obviously not going to think I will be different, no. But from my testing vantage point, the initial 5-6 makes sense, because I see that it does grow into 7-8, and could be more with the right person.