My life has lost all color. Is there a way to get it back?

I’ve wanted to share this with someone for a long time. I’m still not sure exactly how to go about it. I tried talking to a close friend about it once, but it came out all incoherent and disjointed. I’m finding what I’m experiencing to be so elusive and hard to capture with words.

I’m in my late 20s. For about 10 years now, or since I was in my late teens, I’ve experienced a gradual process of life turning stale. This is the part that’s hard to capture. Life is more and more colorless, bland, pointless even. Something is missing that was there before, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

If I concentrate really hard I can still sort of remember what it felt like before: packing for a vacation, buying your favorite band’s new album, going on a date with a cute girl, first day of summer, sitting down for a Christmas dinner surrounded by loved ones, etc. I’m talking about that inexplicable feeling of being alive.

I still do/have all of these experiences: Christmas dinners with family, vacations, dates, new albums of favorite bands to listen to, etc. However, more and more, I just feel like I’m going through the motions. Dress, drive, eat, talk, go home. Buy, download, listen. I’m there, I experience the moment, I can tell it’s nice, but that feeling is missing. I can barely remember how it felt.

This isn’t to say that my life is bad. If anything my life is objectively better now than it was 10 years ago. I’m independent. I’m more in tune with who I am. I certainly have access to nicer things and nicer experiences than I did as a teen. I like my job. Like most my age, I’m a bit anxious about my chances of “making it” and turning it into a serious career. My girlfriend is great. My family is supportive. There is nothing significantly wrong or out of ordinary.

And yet I feel bad(?), unhappy(?), depressed(?) … none of these words really capture it. Indifferent maybe. Sometimes I wonder how I would react if a doctor told me I have 3 months to live. To be honest, I don’t think I would mind too much. Of course I do think of the sadness this would cause others, and to some extent also about the career left too early (all this preparation for nothing). That being said, I’m not suicidal or anything.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I still have some good days, but I feel like it now takes FAR more to have a genuinely good day, or rather, a good moment. Such moments are fleeting at best, and don’t feel like the genuine article anyhow. On the other hand, I feel like my tolerance for the bad in life is now lower than ever. I can dwell on something as insignificant as a mobile phone being stolen for months. If something really serious happened (if a loved one died, for example), I feel like I wouldn’t be able to cope at all, and this scares me.

Is this normal? Is this just part and parcel of growing older? Summer turns to winter and then to summer again, breakfast, lunch, dinner, repeat.

I think that's a bit of a quarter life crisis. I felt it about two years ago and felt so trapped. Everything was objectively good but it just felt the way you describe.

I think those feelings you desire come from newness. Being slightly out of your comfort zone. Think about those feelings - it's when something was at least a little unfamiliar. I think you should try to include things that scare you a bit going forward. Try new things, find ways to make yourself uncomfortable. I accomplished this by ice climbing and traveling alone and taking a circus class, etc etc.

Well, I see you have M. Aurelius as your avatar:

He had this to say all those centuries ago:

"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love. Marcus Aurelius

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. Marcus Aurelius

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane. Marcus Aurelius

I think those feelings you desire come from newness [...] Try new things, find ways to make yourself uncomfortable. I accomplished this by ice climbing and traveling alone and taking a circus class

In my case, I don't think I can call this a temporary crisis, I wish I could. This has been going on for a long time, about a decade.

Your solution sounds interesting, however, and I will keep it in mind. Thank you.

I see you have M. Aurelius as your avatar [...] "When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love." Marcus Aurelius

Thanks for sharing. Indeed, selecting Aurelius was not coincidental. In addition, a more contemporary source I've been reading is "If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Happy?" by Raj Raghunathan. My 'problem' persists, however. The color is not back.

What do you do with your free time?

Do you take classes and involve yourself in new hobbies? Have you tried Meetups and other groups to expand your sociall circle? Do you travel or volunteer with your community? There are so many things you can do to spice up your life, but you must make the effort, as it will not come to you. You are responsible for your own happiness.

What do you do with your free time?

I don't really have much time for hobbies. My work takes up a lot of time. However, I'm fortunate enough to work in a field I find important and personally fulfilling. My work is kind of my mission.

Outside of work I prioritize relationships and time away from computer/desk. I spend a lot of my time with my girlfriend - cooking, talking, watching Netflix (too much). When the weather is nice we take walks around the city, talk, maybe find some coffee shop or pâtisserie to sit at and read books.

I like taking long walks. Most of my family and close friends live abroad, so I often have long conversations with them while walking around. That's about it.

"I spend a lot of my time with my girlfriend - cooking, talking, watching Netflix (too much). When the weather is nice we take walks around the city, talk, maybe find some coffee shop or pâtisserie to sit at and read books."

I can why you are bored. Why don't you two take classes or try something new. Lay off the Netflix, and get outside more. Do you go on picnics or explore other towns? Have you tried spending more time with friends? Do you and your gf go out in friend groups? Honestly, I would feel suffocated if my social life revolved around my partner.

Expand your friend circle.

I would also like to add that most cities offer many free summer activities: concerts, plays, movies etc..... Take advantage of it.

Honestly, I would feel suffocated if my social life revolved around my partner. [...] Expand your friend circle.

What you're saying makes sense. Since re-locating I've spent a lot of time with my gf and haven't made too many new friends.

I'd like to stress, however, that the way I feel (which I described in my original post) is something that has been ongoing for about a decade. During this time I have been in many different situations. In a relationship, surrounded by good friends; Single and surrounded by good friends; single and very lonely; single and a part of a large uni or work social circle. So this aspect changed many times over the years. But what I'm experiencing is a constant progression going as far back as 2006 or 2007.

Existential angst, maybe, Aurelius?

Are you introducing new interests into your life, or is it the same old thing? Are there passions that you haven't pursued? It sounds like you have a bit of a fear of stepping outside the box.

Do you travel? What are you doing to push yourself?

You mentioned a great fear of losing a loved one. This is a part of life. I have lost my only sibling and father. very difficult, but I had to move forward. no other choice.

It sounds like you like to stay in your little bubble, and this may be the problem. This is up to you. It is your life.

Honestly, I don't know. I don't hate life. I just want it to feel right again, like it used to.

Part of the frustration is that I feel like there's no good reason to feel like this. This empty inside.

I mean my life isn't perfect... normal ups and downs in terms of love, work, family situation, and so on. But there's no major trauma to blame here.

If I could just wake up once a month, and have that hard to describe feeling, that joie de vivre I used to experience in 2005 or 2000.

Then make changes.

Are you introducing new interests into your life, or is it the same old thing?

Mostly routine, but I've taken some steps this spring/summer to introduce more group sport.

Are there passions that you haven't pursued? It sounds like you have a bit of a fear of stepping outside the box [...] What are you doing to push yourself?

My work is my passion, and also the main goal I'm in pursuit of. I'm currently stepping outside of my comfort zone in many ways to make it happen. That's just how it is in my profession. You have to love it and devote yourself to it if you want to even stand a chance. It's not a job you do for the money (which isn't great anyway). I know this might sound unhealthy to some, but it was a conscious decision, and I don't regret it. I'd rather devote extra hours to my passion/work than pick up a hobby like video games, stamps or tennis.

Do you travel?

Yes, I do. And this is actually where my 'symptoms' are the most visible. I used to LOVE traveling. I think I still do, but I can't feel what I used to feel for it. No excitement. I go through the motions, boom... Rome, museums, aperitivo, ruins. It's so frustrating, because I know that these are all nice things, things I LOVE and enjoy. But these days I'm just so indifferent.

You mentioned a great fear of losing a loved one. This is a part of life. I have lost my only sibling and father. very difficult, but I had to move forward. no other choice.

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree with you, it's a normal part of life... but in my current state I think I'm just not resilient enough to deal with it. And I recognize this as a problem, precisely because these are normal things, and sooner or later they will come.

It sounds like you like to stay in your little bubble, and this may be the problem. This is up to you. It is your life.

Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it.

Get out of Europe. It is lovely, but can be too similar to our own culture. Change things up.

Why not explore Asia or Africa? Try something different. I'm on an Africa kick. The continent has gotten into my soul I can't get enough of the different cultures, landscapes and animals.

Thanks. Losing my brother was/is the most difficult thing in my life. But, I had no choice, as I had parents to care for, and a life to live. If anything, the loss of family members has shown me what I am capable of, not my weaknesses

Hey Holly. I don't think OP is in Europe!

And Europe is far from mundane. Gosh!

What you're saying makes sense. Since re-locating I've spent a lot of time with my gf and haven't made too many new friends.

 

I'd like to stress, however, that the way I feel (which I described in my original post) is something that has been ongoing for about a decade. During this time I have been in many different situations. In a relationship, surrounded by good friends; Single and surrounded by good friends; single and very lonely; single and a part of a large uni or work social circle. So this aspect changed many times over the years. But what I'm experiencing is a constant progression going as far back as 2006 or 2007.

Because it's not about being single or not single, it's that your life is boring, without color, passion, excitement and unfortunately, you are likely the kind of a person who actually needs an adrenaline kick on a regular basis. Something that makes your heart pound. I might be projecting but I'm kind of like that in the sense that half of me is very stable, cautious, sensible. The kind of a person who will show up on time, do the job, do what's right and needed and I do get satisfaction out of that. However, there is that other half of me that needs more - creativity, literally an adrenaline rush, impossible seeming goals, risks, etc. If I don't feed this other half.....I'll probably feel exactly like you - half dead and depressed. Find a hobby that not only gives you an adrenaline kick but is a constant challenge to you and I think you'll find that you feel alive again.

Hey Holly. I don't think OP is in Europe!

 

/QUOTE]

 

I knew I would get comments. I love Europe, and have seen much of it. What I am trying to say, is that it is quite perfect and beautiful. I have been traveling for sometime now, and need the thrill of the Developing World. For me, the more different the better. I don't travel to the First World, any longer- exception being Japan and Korea. I want sometime thing that is as far away from my own culture, as possible. It's my drug.

Hey Holly. I don't think OP is in Europe!

 

And Europe is far from mundane. Gosh!

I edited my statement, as it was worded incorrectly.

Well, I actually live here, always have, being a European. I would not live anywhere else, not for any money.

Yes, I enjoy travel to other parts, and I have Uganda in my sights!!

Anyhow, Aurelius' issues are other than travel, I think.

Because it's not about being single or not single, it's that your life is boring, without color, passion, excitement and unfortunately, you are likely the kind of a person who actually needs an adrenaline kick on a regular basis. Something that makes your heart pound. I might be projecting but I'm kind of like that in the sense that half of me is very stable, cautious, sensible. The kind of a person who will show up on time, do the job, do what's right and needed and I do get satisfaction out of that. However, there is that other half of me that needs more - creativity, literally an adrenaline rush, impossible seeming goals, risks, etc. If I don't feed this other half.....I'll probably feel exactly like you - half dead and depressed. Find a hobby that not only gives you an adrenaline kick but is a constant challenge to you and I think you'll find that you feel alive again.

You described many people now! (including me-couldn't be more accurate). Have you found what gives you an adrenaline kick ?

Well, I actually live here, always have, being a European. I would not live anywhere else, not for any money.

 

Yes, I enjoy travel to other parts, and I have Uganda in my sights!!

 

Anyhow, Aurelius' issues are other than travel, I think.

I feel the same about NYC. I just need the high of traveling to countries that are the opposite of my own. Not everyone's thing, and I realize that. I am thinking of a return to Botswana, next year, and will also include Rwanda. I hear Uganda is great for the gorillas, too.

I agree, butI think that he needs to start somewhere. He also needs to change up the routine within his own area.

You described many people now! (including me-couldn't be more accurate). Have you found what gives you an adrenaline kick ?

Luckily I was pretty much born with a passion for a sport which gives me all I need. However, when you are not that lucky, you simply have to go out and discover it.

I read an article years ago that reframed the way I looked at things.

People bemoan all the time "why am I not happy?"

Because `Happy' is not a normal state.

There is grief and melancholy and then the opposite of the spectrum, happiness and euphoria, among other things.

Somewhere in the middle is what we strive for.

If you were really happy all the time you might very well have some biochemical or personality disorder.

The beauty of this is we learn to appreciate those times when we do feel glee or happiness about something.

But we also need to recognize that there is nothing wrong with us when we are often times floating around somewhere in the middle. .