Is this normal family life?

Hey everyone:

I have been experiencing family problems for several years now, since before high school, so almost 10 years (I'm 22). To my best knowledge, this family life is toxic and causes me some problems. I want to see if this is typical or atypical of families. I work 50 hours a week and am about to move out to my own apartment on my own finances. After a really toxic fight between my mom and dad that I was used as ammo for, I want to see if I'm overreacting or if I'm correct that this is toxic.

I feel like my mom, dad, and I do not have a lot in common. We don't have a lot to talk about. Frequently, they take a commanding tone instead of an adult-adult one with my adult younger brother and me. There is a lot of blaming. Every time we go on a family get away, one of the two of my parents end up cursing at the other, lots of vulgarity, and then blaming the other for "ruining the vacation." This frequently happens at my parents' house too.

I've had historic problems with my dad. Around 16, I came back from saying my last words to a relative at the hospital to the house, where I was physically intimidated and I fought back. We had one fight since then. Lately, he and I have been alright.

My mom and I have historically been good, but lately not so good. She's been abusive to my dad, who is abusive back. She won't say sorry. Last night, this turned into saying "I hate you" to my dad and her locking MY DAD out of their room in a small apartment on a getaway because *I* was in a disagreement with her (he wasn't even participating). Now, again, I feel like the catalyst to their marital problems (even though I feel it's unfair for them to continually use me as ammo). My dad had to go to the store to get another toothbrush. We eventually got her out of the room. I feel like my younger brother and I should not be included in their marital problems. I suffer from GAD and I have demons of my own to deal with. Why do I feel like the parent to my parents who act like children?

Is this (frequent) cursing, blaming, using kids as ammo, in front of your kids normal or typical of a family life? Does this happen everywhere after your parents have been together 27 years? Do I need to just accept this as normal, to happen in my family some day? Is it so hard to conceive of my future wife and I *not* doing this?

Please share your thoughts below and let me know if you need any clarification or further detail. Thanks.

Sounds like you are getting ready to move out which is a good thing and I sense that you know the answer but want reconfirmation. Who cares if it's normal -it has a negative impact on you. You are an adult capable of making your own life choices so please don't assume you'd repeat what makes you unhappy. What steps are you taking to be a person who acts in a kind, thoughtful and compassionate way? Do you do something every day to further that? Every other day? My advice is to focus on your own growth, maturity and insight and not on whether your parents are typical or whether you can potentially blame them for your choices.

Hi Batya33,

Thank you for your response.

I'm glad I do not act like that to others or in my relationships. You're right that they have a negative impact on me. I will not use their actions to excuse any future behavior of mine. I agree that my behavior is my own, and I alone am responsible for it.

I appreciate your advice and view. It helps!

Hi Batya33,

 

Thank you for your response.

 

I'm glad I do not act like that to others or in my relationships. You're right that they have a negative impact on me. I will not use their actions to excuse any future behavior of mine. I agree that my behavior is my own, and I alone am responsible for it.

 

I appreciate your advice and view. It helps!

I'm glad I could help. I know it's hard and I had my own challenges back then (and did not move out until I was 28, after grad school). Just trying to refocus you so that you don't get mired down in the negativity. Good luck!

Thank you. Sorry to hear about your challenges. I know life throws every person obstacles, and I understand stress outbursts and whatnot, it just would have been nice to have had a supportive, non-toxic, respectful family in my vulnerable years.