Getting worried now....

Hello everyone,

I've been in a LDR since december last year. Communication (via whatsapp) between us has followed a standard pattern. We message at least several times a day, everyday. Occasionally maybe we don't get back to each other for 24 hrs but that is rare and usually because of a family/work issue/not feeling well. Very much on the same page and we're able to discuss any issue/concern we have, although we tend to reserve those conversations for an actual telephone call as sometimes texting isn't the right method for more detailed matters. The mood/tone between us is affectionate and fun. Never had a petty arguement, rarely miscommunicate we are both supportive of each other.

Over the past couple of months he'd mention not feeling well on particular days, been to see his Dr. a few times and had a day off work here and there. Now and then he'd complain about his phone playing up (although it didn't interfere with our communication). About 5 weeks ago, he said he'd had a new battery for it. Then about 3 weeks ago, he was annoyed as it was playing up again but again he was in normal contact.

Just over 2 weeks ago, I didn't hear from him for 24 hrs. He got in touch saying he'd experienced severe pain in his neck/shoulder/arm (thought he was having a heart attack), however after an A&E visit he'd been discharged home with pain medication, instructions not to drive or undertake physical activity for a week and a follow up appointment. The next day he said he'd organised for someone to be his go-between from home to work for the next week. He then mentionned the pain medication was effective but causing shortness of breath (serious side effect). I asked him to immediately contact a Dr before taking more of that medication to be on the safe side, he later messaged back to say he hadn't taken his evening pill.

I haven't heard from him since.

I became concerned the next day when there was alarmingly no sign of him whatsoever online on whatsapp (he has family/friends etc on whatsapp also). No sign of him online for the following few days either (this has never happened since I've known him). My messages would go through with the double ticks but left unread. Calls rang but went through to his voicemail. Then his phone died/been switched off after a few days. Only one tick on whatsapp and calls straight to voicemail. He is on a pay as you go SIM card, as am I.

His whatsapp profile/status remains the same. I've refreshed contact list and his account still appears to be 'active', it's just not being used. I called from landline number, straight to voicemail. No evidence that his number has changed. We don't have alternative methods of contacting each other, in hindsight we should have.

It's been 2 weeks since I've heard from him. Obviously I'm very worried. Can anyone offer any suggestions? Can you see/think of something I'm missing here? Thanks for reading.

Call the hospital and see if he's been admitted? Call or message his family and find out if they know anything? After two weeks and literally no news from ANYONE, not even a family member saying "hey, he's okay." I might be calling 911...

Do you not know any details such as his full name? Address? Even just city? Most police will perform a welfare check in these kinds of situations.

Have you ever actually met this person?

Yes, I agree with Jman, how much information do you have on him? You should know his last name and city at the very least in order to possibly ring the police and have them check up on him.

Does he have any children or family near by that you know of or can contact?

I have his name and village he lives in. His family live in a different country and I don't have contact info for them.

3 local hospitals could not confirm any record for me (Data Protection Act, as obviously I'm not his next of kin), one hospital stated they had no-one of that surname as a current in-patient and would neither confirm or deny any previous hospital visitation. They would only search under a surname, not first name.

I last heard from him on a sat night and he already said that a work colleague was arriving monday morning to act as his go between for the week. I imagine his work would have been informed should she have been unable to contact him or find him at his home.

He has no children.

I think you just gotta take some time and use your head. We can throw out all kinds of suggestions, but you know what information you have to work with and how to google the appropriate phone numbers (assuming you don't have contact with people better equipped to find things out). Generally speaking, performing a welfare check is a matter for public service first-responders, not individual hospitals.

I think it's a bit late to inform Police. His parents often call him on an evening via his landline and his work would have noted his absence, so I'm sure at least they know what is going on. I'm not prepared to track down his family/work, I feel that's too invasive. I can't rule out the possibility (as unexpected as I would find it) that for some reason he decided to cut communication with me.

At this stage I'm thinking a combination health issues/work/phone problems are the reason for his silence. That said, I'm just very surprised I haven't received a call or text in this amount of time. I doubt he'd 'ghost' me and there are no indications at this stage he's changed his number. I suppose for all I know his phone is in for repair.

I suppose I'm asking whether people feel this is a genuine absence, or whether I'm missing the fact he's decided to end the relationship.

You would know better than any of us would seeing as you know him personally and we don't. But I can say for sure that if you find out that he's fine, I personally would never speak to him again.

...I can say for sure that if you find out that he's fine, I personally would never speak to him again.

Absolutely agree.

My gut feeling is that his silence is not intentional, I for one certainly wouldn't go to the bother of getting a new number/phone to avoid someone when I can simply press a few buttons and block/delete someone from my phone in under a minute.

OP, another poster asked if you've actually met him in person. Forgive me if you've already answered this and I missed it - but have you?

Do you have him on any social media?

OP, another poster asked if you've actually met him in person. Forgive me if you've already answered this and I missed it - but have you?

 

Do you have him on any social media?

We haven't yet met, but I would like to hear the relevance of your question to this scenario.

We had arranged to meet twice previously many months ago, first time he had to cancel about a week before, second time I had to cancel the night before (flights are required to travel). I cannot travel atm and it has not been convenient for me for have him visit over the past few months, however we had agreed to meet in a month or so, circumstances depending.

No, no social media contact. I only have fb as I'm terrible for losing numbers on my phone, so have many people on there as a safety net. He doesn't do fb, however neither do quite a few of my friends either. Again very annoying when I lose their phone number!

The relevance is that if you have not met, you know only a fraction of his life. Meaning, any number of things could be going on with him that would explain his prolonged silence.

How much of what he's told you about himself have you been able to independently verify?

How much of what he's told you about himself have you been able to independently verify?

Could you give me an example? Usually any significant family issues he mentions, but previously during times of family crisis he kept me updated on a daily basis. His life in general is pretty straightforward, he usually contacted morning, noon, afternoon, evening and before bed. Lives alone, has to look after himself, travels to visit family on holidays and when needed. Is that what you mean?

Could you give me an example? Usually any significant family issues he mentions, but previously during times of family crisis he kept me updated on a daily basis. His life in general is pretty straightforward, he usually contacted morning, noon, afternoon, evening and before bed. Lives alone, has to look after himself, travels to visit family on holidays and when needed. Is that what you mean?

My point is that without having met him, you don't know how much of the above is actually true. People can say whatever they want. At this point, you're in the dark as to whether you're actually getting facts.

Who knows, he could be: not actually single, sick with an illness he never told you about, arrested, taking care of a child he never told you about, away on business, and so on. All of these could be reasons he's disappeared. Yes, there might be an innocent and logical explanation. But I think you should also consider the possibility that there's more you don't know about him.

How did you meet him?

My point is that without having met him, you don't know how much of the above is actually true. People can say whatever they want. At this point, you're in the dark as to whether you're actually getting facts.

 

Who knows, he could be: not actually single, sick with an illness he never told you about, arrested, taking care of a child he never told you about, away on business, and so on. All of these could be reasons he's disappeared. Yes, there might be an innocent and logical explanation. But I think you should also consider the possibility that there's more you don't know about him.

 

How did you meet him?

I met him online. Yes, I suppose those could be reasons, however should our previous visits have gone ahead and we had met those weekends, they could still be reasons. People can hide things in 'real life' too, which I know from experience.

The devil is in the detail and nothing about his life/communication over the past 6 months has given me cause to suspect anything untoward. It is more the opposite as when he decided he did want more than just an online chat, he told me details about himself that may have been a dealbreaker, on the basis that I may find out at a later stage and dump him, so he just wanted to say it at the start to see if he was wasting his time. I also have given him dealbreakers, again on the same basis. He has also had doubts about me, I'm a bit older and most women my age would either have been previously married/have children/both, he has tested me a few times to check I was being honest. We've both been wary of each other in the past.

I really do understand where you are coming from and I appreciate your concern, I really do. Currently, I just don't know what is going on, this is completely out of character for him. He does know that I'm a very private person. Possibly he feels if he gave my details out to someone else to contact me, I would not think kindly of the gesture. He also appreciates I have some resemblence of intelligence, and maybe he thinks I've figured his health and phone issues are the cause and I 'know' he'll be in touch as soon as he can be.

*Sighs* This is making my brain hurt

Do you know where he works?

I'm not sure why you won't ask the police to check on him, as J-man has suggested?

I was wondering that too, if you truly feel something is wrong it would make sense to be ringing the police, especially if you've got no other way of ever finding out.

Well, it's just by now his work and family would have already contacted the Police if it was warranted. Plus, as he is over 18 and I am not next of kin, the Police wouldn't give me any information anyway.

I know the city he works in and what he does for a living, but not the specific company he works for.

Well, it's just by now his work and family would have already contacted the Police if it was warranted. Plus, as he is over 18 and I am not next of kin, the Police wouldn't give me any information anyway.

I know the city he works in and what he does for a living, but not the specific company he works for.

This is not necessarily true, OP.

My parents requested a welfare check on an old family friend who they were concerned about. This person was middle-aged and not related by blood. The police could not inform us what exactly was going with her, but they could tell us that contact had been made with her and that she was okay.

You won't know unless you try.

There is something that tells me you almost don't want to know, though, or that you don't have enough information about him to give police and already know something is off with this scenario.

This is not necessarily true, OP.

 

My parents requested a welfare check on an old family friend who they were concerned about. This person was middle-aged and not related by blood. The police could not inform us what exactly was going with her, but they could tell us that contact had been made with her and that she was okay.

 

You won't know unless you try.

 

There is something that tells me you almost don't want to know, though, or that you don't have enough information about him to give police and already know something is off with this scenario.

No, it's just Police would already be involved by now if required and I don't particularly want to contact them in case this guy just wanted to cut contact. The Police could only give me information with his consent, if he doesn't want to communicate with me then I don't imagine he'd be happy I had the Police ring him. And of course, he could refuse his consent and the Police would inform me of nothing, and I would be back in the same situation I'm already in. I just don't see the point in contacting the Police and I also don't think it's appropriate for me to do so.

I also have enough information to locate his family/work but again, I don't think it's appropriate.

I know he's been unwell, had a recent hospital visit and having phone issues. His phone has been dead for around 10 days but his number is still 'active'.

Are you not his girlfriend, though? I would be beside myself if my boyfriend dropped off the radar like this, and you can bet I'd be getting to the bottom of it. I really would not care if he felt it was out of line for me to follow up and find out if he was at least physically okay. That's what happens with people who care about each other. Prolonged absences are suspicious and worrying.

Your unwillingness to do so suggests you have already decided that he is fine, and that this is his way of ghosting you. It's not normal that a man goes MIA and his girlfriend is this hesitant to try to understand if he's at least alright. So what is it that is really preventing you from trying harder to get in touch with him?

Are you not his girlfriend, though? I would be beside myself if my boyfriend dropped off the radar like this, and you can bet I'd be getting to the bottom of it. I really would not care if he felt it was out of line for me to follow up and find out if he was at least physically okay. That's what happens with people who care about each other. Prolonged absences are suspicious and worrying.

 

Your unwillingness to do so suggests you have already decided that he is fine, and that this is his way of ghosting you. It's not normal that a man goes MIA and his girlfriend is this hesitant to try to understand if he's at least alright. So what is it that is really preventing you from trying harder to get in touch with him?

I don't see his absence as suspicious, but yes I am extremely worried about him. What I'm doing is allowing logic, not emotion to make my decisions for me. I have already said he is suffering a health issue and was having phone problems. Should anything terrible have happened, I'm confident his mum would have been in touch as she would tend to ask about me. I am beyond certain that his family/work would have already contacted Police if necessary a minimum of 12 days ago.

From the info I already have and from what I can gather is that apart from requiring medical treatment for a painful but not life threatening issue, his phone has given up or he has lost it. That would take a bit of time of resolve.

I also tend to put myself in someones elses shoes before making certain decisions, now I would not be happy if he dug hard enough to contact either my family/friends/work in the same scenario, nor Police or hospital. I would appreciate he did it out of worry but I would not be happy at all, as I'm an adult and would get back in touch as and when I could. So I don't think it's acceptable to me to have one standard for myself and another for him. I have thought about my choices from different perspectives and made my decision. While you, or others may think or choose to react differently doesn't mean the reasons for my decision is wrong or involves suspect reasons.

Although worrying, given I know he has been having several issues, 2 weeks isn't a huge amount of time in the grand scheme of things. It can take longer than 2 weeks to have a phone repaired. So for now, I will give it time.

I don't know OP, I think you're trying to convince yourself more than us that his sudden disappearing act isn't all that alarming.

You were worried enough to create this thread. Perhaps you were coming here hoping to hear that he's fine and not worry (which may be the case, I concede) but instead got people agreeing with you that something is off about this.

You are free to make whatever choice you feel fit, but I personally can't fathom doing to so little to find out what happened to my own boyfriend if he dropped off the face of the earth two weeks ago. That's more like acquaintance territory, not relationship territory. My sense is that is what's holding you back - you're afraid of behaving like a normal girlfriend would because you know this isn't really a normal relationship. You're not "wrong" to not dig a little further, but I think it's very telling that you won't, and now feel a two-week period of silence is not really cause for concern.

For what it's worth, I do hope this man is at least physically okay and that he contacts you soon.