I'm sick and tired once again

Around two years ago I was in a really dark place and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I attempted suicide but lived to tell the tale and started to get counselling and was placed on medication. It wasnt easy but I did manage to get better. I started to live my life again and stupidly thought I would never go back to that dark place again.

I met someone new and we had a great relationship but I was due to work away for a few months and in the months leading up to this I started to get depressed and anxious again. Part of this was because I had miscarried a child (before I met my new partner) and in May I would have given birth to my baby. I started to become more irritable and pushed my partner away out of fear that he would reject me if I told him about my depression or how I was feeling and why. I told him that I did not want to work away anymore and he got angry at me. He told me that I had made a commitment and should just get on with it. I felt like I had no option so I moved and I hated it. As I had previously been suicidal I felt like I had lost my support system at home when I moved. This was what i feared all along.

I confided in my family and they made sure that I moved back home as they were worried for my mental health. My partner did not understand why I was moving back so i told him about my depression and anxiety. He said that he understood but a week later he ended our relationship. He said he did not have feelings for me anymore and that we had been arguing too much. He said that he did not understand my depression and that if I loved him I would be happy enough with him and would not be depressed.

We had been arguing more frequently over silly things, we agreed it was to be expected as it was stressful knowing that i was leaving him. Compared to most other relationships we didnt argue that much and when i confided in him about how i'd been feeling i thought he would understand why i had been more on edge.

I have been left devastated by all of this. Its not just about the break up its how he left me and why. I found it hard to confide in him about my condition and he used it as a reason to break up with me. I cant understand and its made me hate myself. I hate that I have this illness and that I always will. I hate that I dont always deal with situations in the best way.

I am a burden to my family. They have other things to deal with and I dont want to tell them I am suicidal again. I want to end things and have peace for once.

My friends barely contact me as they have their own lives now. I'm jealous that they are normal.

Everyday for a month now I sit and think about how he said he doesnt have feelings for me and thats because of my depression. Before he knew about it or before I started to get worried about moving away we were in a great relationship. I feel let down and lost and confused. I hate myself.

This isnt just because of the break up. I am unhappy with everything. But I do admit that hearing someone has left you because of your depression, the worst thing about you, is a tough blow to take. I keep thinking 'if i was normal he wouldnt have left me'.

I spend most of my time sleeping or researching suicide. I never thought I'd be in this place again but I am and now i know i'll never be free. It will always come back to this. I want to die and I cant hide it anymore.

As far as i understand you are stressing over another person. It is very difficult to live with depression and no one can really understand you unless they are depressed themself. And the fact that you are passing through break up makes it even worst.

You mentioned above that he broke up with you because of your depression and that before he knew about it you were doing just fine. I Believe that your relationship wasn't good for you. In a relationship you should be able to trust your partner and be your self. You were afraid to talk about your depression and you were constantly stressed out.

Suicide IS NOT AN OPTION. You shouldn't give up on life and you certainly shouldn't give up on you! Bad days will pass and better will come! Some years ago i was ready to comit suicide but thanks God i didn't!! I look back on that day and remember how stupid i was and how weak i was! And after all i pass through those latest years i can only say that i am very thankful to be alive!! Bad days gone away adn the best days of my life followed and some more are yet to come!

Take a break NOT your life!

Take a break from bull!

Close your eyes

Take deep breath

Forget about everything that stress you out

And regain you interest in life

There is a person out there who is looking for you!

Who will be with you in everything and forever!

He will support you in your bad times and will make you feel special!!

I don't just hope that, i can guarantee you that!! I KNOW THAT!

Sick and Tired Once Again..., yeah..., I know the feeling. And even though words are a poor, if not, defeated way to explain this entangled emotional/mental.., fuss. I will make a valiant attempt to do so, and just maybe.., spark a new perspective into how to reflect and move forward, without resorting to a complete end to the story.

I too..., sigh..., have this ridiculous problem. And let me just say, for me.., IT'S RATHER LOUD!! at times. Most people say; "just think about something else" or "clear your mind" or..., whatever. And what I have to keep trying to explain, is that, if..., it was as simple as just thinking about something else, or keeping myself busy, it wouldn't be such problem! When the thoughts of ending it all are SO LOUD, and SO FORCEFULL, that you can barely think of anything else, not because you don't want to, but because this mental loop is just so...., in the front, smothering all other thoughts, compounding all the other crap making it even worse.. AHHHH! So.., so very frustrating. And although I'm still dealing with this, and don't claim to have all the answers, I have found some ways that at the very least, help steer the mind elsewhere.., for how long.., at least until the next time right.

First of all.., quit researching about how to end things. You already know how, and don't need to find other ways to do so. If you truly want to break away from this loop.., you can't keep adding track to it. If you have some comfortable earbuds, headphones, something like dat, find something on youtube that makes you "think". For me, when I lay down, whether I'm going to sleep, or just depressed, I listen to science debates, or TED Talks, anything that is interesting and makes me think about what is being talked about. This muffles the other crap, and starts strengthening other connections in the brain, while slowly weakening the "end it all" ones. It doesn't bring up feelings or memories that have been causing part of the problem. This has greatly helped break the loop long enough for the most important part, which is quantifying one's personal "introspection". Look that word up so you KNOW exactly what I mean. Now.., I'm not saying listening to something will break "your loop", it's just a suggestion. But you MUST find a way to break it long enough to allow you to stop compounding everything, thinking of yourself with such hatred, visualizing the many ways to end things.., and all the other that goes along with it. Once you start really asking yourself why you think/feel a certain way about something, and why you think/feel that way about why you think/feel that way.., I know you'll find yourself becoming "a new" so to speak. Because you will find out what it is you Truly value, and that fundamental, conceptual understanding of one's self..., will begin to re-establish your "sense of self".., and allow you to love both your strengths and weaknesses. Cause from what you've said, it is this very thing (conceptual understanding), that has been shattered, and I know just how difficult it is to even start to pick up the pieces.., especially.., when you've already lost a few of the pieces. And if you don't break the loop.., you'll only lose more.., which are a real to find later on. And if you can't break the loop by yourself, don't wait too long to get into some kind of therapy. Cause even if the story sucks now, the pages are on fire, and the ink is running off.., it's still worth trying to save.., cause if it wasn't..., you wouldn't have raised the question on here in the first place.., right!