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Dad Cheated 1 yr Ago, nothing has changed


Braids321

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Hey everyone

I'm just looking for some support, words of advice, just anything to help. My dad cheated on my mom a year ago. In the matter of two days, one of my siblings and I found out that my parent's marriage was rocky and that my dad was secretly having an affair. My life was completely shook because everything in my family is kept so quiet and secret. My siblings and I didn't even know their marriage was having foundational issues, so finding that was a shock and finding the affair was injury on top of insult. So now it's a year later my dad has done NOTHING to change for the better. When everything first happened, I tried the "unconditional love" approach with him but that sure as h*ll isn't working so now my feelings have evolved into pure anger and frustration with him. He is so self-involved and has zero perspective on how any of his actions affect my mom and siblings. And to add to that, our family never has opened honest discussions, like never.

What puts the most strain on me more than anything is the fact that my mom is so wildly depressed over all of this and she has done everything to help save their marriage but my dad still has yet to do anything. She wants to stay with him so bad but at this point I think she would be better off being alone and without my toxic toxic toxic dad.

Bottom line, I'm SO angry at my dad and just want my mom to be happy.

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That happened to me too. My dad had an affair for years, eventually divorced my mom and married his affair partner. 18 years later she took him to the cleaners in THEIR divorce and he literally lost everything. His mansion, his boat, his business and building..all went scorched earth the lawyers ended up with most of it. Then he ran out and got married again to some woman he met in the phillipines literally overnight. What a glutton for punishment. You can't change people is what I learned. Just worry about yourself and take care of your mom. And she would be better off without him she'd be smart to make the first move and file for divorce herself and get on with making herself happy.

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He says it's over but my mom found in the phone records that he contacted her a few months ago (but because my parents keep everything so secret I didn't find that out until a few days ago). So yes, he says it's over. Is it really? Who knows.

When I say he hasn't done anything:

-mom wants him to go to marriage counseling (they went for about 3 sessions but he "doesn't think it works" and "doesn't think he needs it"

- I saw text from a random lady pop up on his phone yesterday and when I saw he said it was referring to work but with his work (which I won't reveal) he really shouldn't be usuing her personal phone for that.

-he has gone on at least 7 vacations with "friends" since it happened

- he never makes an effort to talk to us or to open up

- he goes over to a women's house to get his hair cut (I mean are you kidding me, even if you aren't cheating with this women, he STILL shouldnt be doing that. Seems pretty common sense to me)

- he never apologized for cheating and causing pain for all of us, he shows zero remorse!

Honestly, that's just scratching the surface.

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Yes I do talk to my mom much more regularly. I'm really worried about her and I asked her if should would like to start doing family counseling just to get her going. She does work, she has a very high-up, stressful, respected job. At this point I really believe she needs to be on antidepressants but I know she will never want to go for that.

My dad rarely talks to me about this stuff. We talk almost every day and otherwise have good relationship but we don't talk about the serious stuff. Just this morning he asked to speak with me (this Talk was only the SECOND one in a year since everything happened.) The talk was not beneficially and he just ended up getting super defensive and angry.

 

I have been wanting to do family therapy for a long time now but it's just never happened

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The thing is though your parents don't need to discuss their married life with you. That will just add to your pain. My dad was a cheater too. My mom unfortunately dragged me into investigating his last affair with her sister in law. I can't tell you the grief this added to my life. Stay out of it and concentrate on getting out.

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Wow I'm really sorry to hear that. That must have been horrible I can't even imagine.

I agree with you 100% and I have been focusing on her for this past year but the root of the problem making her so upset all the time is my dad. So after taking care and trying to help heal her wounds after an year and nothing changing , I feel like it's time to go to the source of what's causing the wounds, and that's my dad.

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It was a long time ago. 26 years ago. But it caused a permanent rift between me and my father . And me and my aunt. My mom should have kept me out of it though. The intimate personal lives of married couples should be between the married couple .

 

Believe me you won't do yourself any favours getting all tangled up in it .

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I get what you're saying, but my mom is truly a wonderful, wonderful person. I want to stay out of it but I need to do something to help her get out of her depression. It's like she's so depressed she can't help her self so I feel that heavyyyy burden on me to try and help her (even though she never asks for help and would never want to be a burden on me)

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I get what you're saying, but my mom is truly a wonderful, wonderful person. I want to stay out of it but I need to do something to help her get out of her depression. It's like she's so depressed she can't help her self so I feel that heavyyyy burden on me to try and help her (even though she never asks for help and would never want to be a burden on me)

 

My mom is wonderful too . But she has to be responsible for her own depression here and not burden you . You are not responsible for your mother's married life . She has to have spine enough to kick him out . And until she does that zip a Dee Doo dah is going to change .

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If you don't mind me asking, is there anything that helped you that might help my mom?

 

Lots and lots of therapy. Many different kinds . I will forever have PTSD because it was untreated for far too long but I am no longer depressed or suicidal. But she has to do it want to do this therapy for her not because she wants to drag him back . She can only control herself and what she does.

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I'm sorry about your Mom. You mention that she holds a high work position, so her problem will be self limiting. Either she's functional enough to maintain her job, in which case, she's capable of making her own decisions about whether to pursue treatment for depression, OR, she's not managing her job well, in which case the employer will call her out on that and either recommend that she seek help, or otherwise discipline or terminate her.

 

So you can raise those options in your discussion with her as an attempt to persuade her to seek help, or next time she complains to you, you can tell her that you're not qualified to help her--demonstrated by her decline in the last year, and if she's unwilling to seek help on her own behalf, ask if she's be willing to seek it as a favor to you to unburden you from the weight you're not qualified to carry. Set the boundary that you're too worried about her to continue the same line of discussion that is NOT helping, and so you're willing to speak with her on the subject only if she's also willing to participate in treatment with a professional.

 

I'd have a list of therapists ready for that talk, and I'd volunteer to go with her. I'd ask her to either choose a therapist from your list or allow you to make an appointment for her and take her there.

 

As for Dad, I'd mind my own business--you're not going to change him. Overstepping into your parents' marriage is not your place, and as you can see, it's not beneficial. I'd focus on either persuading Mom to seek help or otherwise quit the conversations that only 'enable' her to drill herself into deeper inaction. Rather than helping Mom, that only embeds her more deeply in the problem. I'd give Mom two options: allow me to help her get help, or we can speak about anything else in the world--except for Dad.

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My advice to you is that you stop trying to be the fixer in your parent's marriage. You can't fix their relationship and you can't tell adults what to do. You are trying to take on responsibility that is not yours. Also, given how closed off and secretive your parents have always been, I'd guess that this isn't the first or even the second time this has happened. It's only the first time you all found out. At the end of the day, your parents are both adults and are making decisions for themselves that they feel are right for them and that's that.

 

That said, I think you and your siblings need to tell your mom one very simple thing - that if she decides to divorce your dad, you all will support her decision 100% and cheer her on. That you'd rather see your parents divorced and happy again than miserable together. Then leave her be to make her own choices.

 

Other than that, hammering away at someone about their depression or whatever perceived concerns you have will only make most people resist getting help harder. If she is able to maintain her high pressure job, your mother is not quite as weak as you imagine. However, you could make a point of taking mom out to do some fun things on weekends. Drag her out to events, movies, whatever she likes and a bunch of new things that maybe she wouldn't normally do. Getting out of the rut and routine can have a more powerful effect of realizing there is life outside of her husband than any medication. Also, do be aware that these antidepressants that you think she should be on actually cause some people to become suicidal even if they weren't before. Drugs are not some magic cure and can make things worse, so do beware of what you wish for.

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Fully agree Dancing:

 

"Getting out of the rut and routine can have a more powerful effect of realizing there is life outside of her husband than any medication. Also, do be aware that these antidepressants that you think she should be on actually cause some people to become suicidal even if they weren't before. Drugs are not some magic cure and can make things worse, so do beware of what you wish for."

 

Not just in the situation on this thread but in any situation IMO.

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Good luck. You sound like a good daughter. I would encourage mom to seek counseling. If Dad won't go, that should not matter. She needs to get strong so she can decide if she can tolerate a man who vacations without her and has random ladies popping up on his phone. In my opinion he sounds done with the marriage. There is nothing you can say or do that will change that. Sorry you have to deal with all of this. Forget changing Dad, it sounds like he isn't interested. Try not to let this damage your relationship with either parent. I get you feel sorry for Mom, but Mom has to be willing to help herself too. She likely doesn't deserve this crap, but regretfully you don't know all the details, and like other posters have stated, it is best that you don't.

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