I'm not close with my father. Any advice?

I’m not close with my dad. I’ll state some reasons why. Him and I don’t have much in common. He’s heavily into sports, I’m not, he’s into politics and I don’t really care about that, etc. We don’t see eye to eye on many things. For example, he’s not really in favor of me dating outside my race. One day he asked me, “What kind of women do you find attractive?” Just out of curiosity. I told him I don’t have a preference in regards to race, as long as she is attractive and has a good personality that’s all that matters to me. Then he asked me” But, would you prefer to date a black woman?” I told him I don’t have a preference. Then he tells me “But, you’re black yourself.” I told him “I wouldn’t mind dating a woman of my race, but I don’t prefer it. Personality and beauty matters much more to me.” He then said “wow” in a very condescending tone as if it was a bad thing. He has said and done hurtful things. I remember when I was four years old in kindergarten, he tried helping me with my math homework and I kept getting the wrong answer for this particular problem. He started to lose his patience and every time I put down the wrong answer, he smacked me across the head to the point where I started crying. I remember my mother even telling him that she didn’t like that he did that. Even though that was a long time ago, I still think about that from time to time.

He has called me stupid and that I’m not good at anything. That really hurt me. He gets angry over little things and has yelled at me for things that I believe I didn’t deserve to get yelled at for. He got so mad at me once because I didn’t know about a big issue that occurred on the news. It was about a shooting that occurred in a church. I told him I don’t watch much television, so I usually don’t find out about things like this through television. I usually find out about it through social media and the internet. He got so mad when I said that to the point where he started threatening me and telling me he would kick my ***. I don’t like when he tries to teach me new things, because he makes me feel like I am a stupid, incompetent, piece of crap. When he tries to teach me how to drive, he yells at me, he tells me I am a bad driver, it’s taking me a long time to catch on, and tells me that I am going to give up teaching you how to drive, you’re just going to use public transportation for the rest of your life. It’s not like I am a terrible driver. I make a few mistakes only because I am still a beginner and not completely comfortable behind the wheel yet. I’ve only had 7 hours of practice. I feel like he expects me to be a pro driver by now. When he does that, it lowers my confidence, makes me more nervous because I am so worried about not messing up instead of driving, which in turn makes me more likely to screw up. It’s a little embarrassing that I’m 19 going on 20, and I still don’t have a driver’s license. I really want to learn how to drive, but I kind of want someone else besides my dad to teach me.

When he tried to teach me how to use a blower to blow the grass. I didn’t know you had to hold it upside down for it to work. As I was trying to blow the grass after he got done mowing the lawn, the blower wasn’t working and I couldn’t figure out why. My dad then tells me “Come here, you’re in boot camp this summer, you’re making a fool of yourself.” He then told me you have to hold it upside down. He could’ve simply just told me to hold it upside down instead of telling me all that! It was my first time using a blower. He’s hard to please. It seems like no matter what I do, he’s never happy. Whenever I would get really good grades in school, he never really showed any enthusiasm or praised me for it unlike my mother and siblings have. He even said to me once, “Yeah you get good grades in school, but anyone can get good grades, what specific talents do you have?” That hurt me. I feel like any parent should be happy or proud that their child is excelling in their academics. Now that I’m in college, he tells me that I study too much and that I need to get a life as if studying is a bad thing. I am a Biology major with intentions to become a Physician Assistant. I take hard classes, so I have to spend a lot of time studying. He makes it as if studying is a bad thing. I really want to get into this field, and my father upsets me when he puts me down like that. He even told me once that I’m not going to be a PA, I’m just going to end up being a janitor. I feel like he’s not really being supportive and showing much interest in my endeavors. He tells me that I have his support, but I don’t really believe it because he doesn’t really express or show it.

I hate when it’s just me and him one on one. It’s awkward because we don’t really speak much. I hate going on long car rides with him because it’s silent most of the time, and I don’t really know what to say because I don’t know what to talk to him about. Like I’ve said, we don’t have much in common and our personalities are very different. And another thing that bothers me is, whenever he yells at me or puts me down, moments later he will hug me and tell me that he loves me as if nothing happened. If that’s his way of apologizing or to make me happy, I don’t like it. I don’t like being around him for all these reasons. He’s very intimidating, not very approachable, and has a temper. I feel like I don’t deserve to be treated like this. When he tells me I’m not good at anything, that hurts me as well. There’s many things I’m good at and know how to do. I know how to cook, I know how to fish, do laundry, I am a good speller, I know how to clean, tie my shoes, snap my fingers, jump rope, I can read and write very well, etc. It’s not like I don’t know how to do anything. I am a very nice person and have always been a good kid. I never partied, did drugs, snuck out, got into any trouble, drama, always helped out around the house, was always respectful, etc. I am the first person from my family to go off to university. I feel like there’s so many things my dad should be proud of. He does tell me he loves me and that he’s proud of me, but he doesn’t show it. Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to vent about this because I never talked about this with anyone and this is how I feel. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Any advice would be much appreciated.

How old are you? Are you living at home?

He sounds very abusive and controlling. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but remember, you are the captain of your life and its your job to make sure you are comfortable and happy.

My dad is similar except his temper was absolutely horrible and the smallest things set him off into rage and I mean rage as in running around the house throwing things, kicking furniture, foaming at the mouth yelling. After I moved out, our contact became minimal although it was always me who made the effort. Finally this past Spring, I cut him off for good after he did something pretty inconsiderate and I feel much happier now.

Can you go into residence in college? Never give up your dream to be a physician's assistant ! It sounds like your dad feels threatened that you're going to be better than him . Just go off and be better than him . But I would find a way to leave home and follow your dreams .

I'm 19. Yes I do live at home.

I have lived on campus for the past two years. I'm going into my third year, but I don't plan on living on campus anymore because it's too expensive.

How is your mother? What type of relationship do you have with her? Are you able to have a heart-to-heart with her?

Your story sounds really hard, and I hate this for you. You will not get him to change. This will not be a Hollywood movie, with your dad one day coming over to give you a hug and saying, "you know son, I'm so proud of you". Just not gonna happen. Unfortunately, your father probably has demons from his past (he may have been belittled to no end growing up), and he is playing this out with you.

You sound like such a mature, intelligent young man. Kudos to you for recognizing this, and for writing this out so beautifully.

Re: Driving. Are there any driving schools in your area? Do you have a part-time job, or earn any money, so that you can pay for it? Driving will open up a world for you.

If you can find free therapy, I'd highly recommend it, as it could be very valuable for you to verbalize all of this to another human being. Google in your area; there are often free help groups.

Other than that, unfortunately, the only way out here is to come and go quietly until you are done with school. Spend less and less time with him. Don't ask him how to do anything, as he'll only make you feel terrible. If he asks you about a news story that you haven't yet heard, just say "Oh, wow, thanks dad, I need to read up on that", and walk away. Anything else will elicit negative comments from him. Heck, even that will elicit comments, but you remove his ammunition once you agree with him.

Re: Race and dating. Frankly, it's none of your dad's business who you date. You are an adult. If you want to date a green woman with purple spots, go for it. He will live with it, or he will decline the visits with his own grandkids. Let him.

It's up to you to change your living situation. You don't want to live on campus because of the expense. So option B, perhaps rent a no-frills studio on your own? Option C: roommates?

If all else fails, I'd bite the bullet and stay in student housing. Once you become a PA you will be bringing home some big cheddar. You'll get the loans paid off in no time if you manage your money wisely.

My mother and I are very close. I can talk to her about anything. There are driving schools in my area. I currently don't have a part-time job, but I have been filling out and submitting applications. Hopefully I get lucky. Once I get a job, I plan on saving my checks and enrolling myself in a nearby driving school.

Most of us discover at some point that we have grown beyond the provinciality and limitations of one or both parents. This begins our initiation into the adult role in our relationship, where the burden of power begins its shift to our shoulders as the eventual caretaker of the other. This shift can either be fast, such as with a parent becoming ill, or it's gradual as we mature and the parent regresses.

So approach Dad with new vision by letting go of the child role to his behavior. Since he doesn't model any ideals you'll want to emulate, you're free to view him through a lens of caring about him rather than trying to win his approval. When you stop seeking his approval, he's no longer positioned to influence your view of the world or your Self.

Instead, you can be the driver of your own choices in how you'll want to manage him and your relationship. For instance, I ignore the intolerance and other stuff about my parents that I don't want to encourage in the same manner that parents of small children are instructed to ignore tantrums and acting out while rewarding good behavior with attention and praise. I use discretion in which of my private matters I'm willing to discuss, and when I'm offered unsolicited advice, I merely thank them and say that I'll consider that, even while I do whatever I choose to do.

This gets easier when you're not living in their home, so I'd reconsider the 'value' of the expense of living away. Living with parents embeds you in the very mindset you're trying to grow your way out of, and it reverts your dynamic back to that of a dependant child along with an exaggerated attempt by a 'threatened' parent to maintain power 'over' you. It's more difficult to grow beyond that while you're embedded in it. Living outside your parents' home enhances objectivity while you navigate occasional visits and prevents you from emotional responses that aren't helpful to navigating your relationship as an adult making adult choices.

Head high, and consider indulging Dad in some of his more positive interests. You may not enjoy sports, but you can use his interest in them as a foundational device for spending time together that is equal rather than parent/child. Allow Dad to show off in front of you about the stuff that's important to him, and he'll feel less threatened by you because you're meeting him where he thrives. The more of a point you make to stress your differences, the more inclined he'll feel to demo superiority--and as you've noticed, there's nothing to be gained by positioning him that way. Go for 'flow'.

Head high.

So sorry to read your heartfelt post, D.

I find this horrific:

" He has said and done hurtful things. I remember when I was four years old in kindergarten, he tried helping me with my math homework and I kept getting the wrong answer for this particular problem. He started to lose his patience and every time I put down the wrong answer, he smacked me across the head to the point where I started crying. I remember my mother even telling him that she didn’t like that he did that. "

And all along those years he has been equally verbally abusive.

I am surprised that people seem to think this is normal acceptable behaviour in a parent!!!

and:

"Now that I’m in college, he tells me that I study too much and that I need to get a life as if studying is a bad thing. "

and

"He’s very intimidating, not very approachable, and has a temper. I feel like I don’t deserve to be treated like this. When he tells me I’m not good at anything, that hurts me as well."

And that kind of hurt can affect a person throughout their life, not just now!