Break Up Hell

Hi Everyone, I would really appreciate your advice. I was dumped by my boyfriend 18 months ago after a whirlwind full on year of romance, seeing each other every night and weekend at his request, being told and shown how much he loved me, and looking at houses to buy together and him wanting me to move in with him. We had an argument one night-at the root of it was insecurity of mine- and he dumped me the following few days after having thought about it -saying all his feelings were now gone over the argument and he never wanted to see me or kiss me ever again. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I could not eat or sleep or barely function. My phone calls and texts to him all went unanswered....the last try was late last year.....I am still going to counselling and have really tried to move on....I have tried to meet someone else but it hasn't happened ....I keep myself occupied.....But I still think of him every day. He took me off his facebook and has made no contact with me whatsoever. I feel as though I cannot envisage a future where this pain will go....I know nothing of his circumstances now....would really appreciate any help or advice....

I am sorry you're hurting so much.

What was this insecurity at the root of the argument that ended it?

It was over another woman...I was upset that I thought he was interested in her and had a go at him over it....

Maybe this is his style and pattern, to go full blast until the newness wears off and then he ends it. He pulled you into an all encompassing relationship, where it sounds like you must have let friendships slide and had no time for other interests. When a relationship like that ends, it's harder to rebound from, when you don't have hobbies/interests that you enjoy, and when you don't have a support system of strong friendships. Since you bring up Facebook, it sounds like it's recent since you've stopped checking on his life, so that also probably contributed to your lack of closure.

Make sure you've deleted all the photos, deleted his phone number, and train your brain to think of something else when it veers to him. Don't try to date until you've healed. Sometimes doing volunteer work helps to take your mind off of yourself when you're helping others. Try a new hobby you can be passionate about. Learn from this experience and don't let any guy suck you into an inclusive existence ever again. Have confidence you can always handle any situation. Fate has someone else in store for you, and when that eventually happens, you will realize it was for the best.

Thank you Andrina. He had been long term married before we got together. I feel as though I did demonstrate insecurity on a few other occasions during our relationship. I emailed him after he dumped me apologising for it and pointing out that I had thought about it and learned from it and would make sure it wouldn't happen again. But he didn't want to know. I am still devastated and really don't think I will feel like this about anyone else again. I can't get over the pain and think about trying to text him again but I guess it would be stupid after this length of time and having all contact attempts last year ignored-including one asking if we could be friends....

Best advice Andrina. It is very helpful and to add, from past experience. Doing volunteer work and other activities that give you a deeper sense of purpose and appreciation to life is always good. Be in love with yourself, and the right person will come. Although the pain we carry with the loss of someone we truly love is going to stay but it can make us stronger, just imagine how strong your heart will be to be able to love again after that. All the best to Lois11.

Thank you Andrina. He had been long term married before we got together. I feel as though I did demonstrate insecurity on a few other occasions during our relationship. I emailed him after he dumped me apologising for it and pointing out that I had thought about it and learned from it and would make sure it wouldn't happen again. But he didn't want to know. I am still devastated and really don't think I will feel like this about anyone else again. I can't get over the pain and think about trying to text him again but I guess it would be stupid after this length of time and having all contact attempts last year ignored-including one asking if we could be friends....

Do you know why his marriage ended? And was it also because of insecurity issues or was there cheating involved?

He doesn't sound like a great guy, I'm sorry to say. Sounds like he came on full speed, then blew out, looking for a reason, and when you provided one via your insecurity, he took that reason, rather than talk to you, comfort you, and work through it. John Gray (Mars & Venus) calls this a Blowtorcher. Comes on super strong, but blows out just as easily.

I agree that you should delete his pictures (or move them to a thumb drive, and put it away), and do your best to do things with friends, family, and yes, start dating again. It's been long enough.

This guy isn't coming back, as this is probably what he wanted: to find a reason to leave, after coming on so strong. I bet if it wasn't this reason, with this woman, it would be something else.

And FWIW, if you had insecurities surrounding a woman you thought he had eyes on, I bet you weren't all wrong.