My boyfriend is a recurational drug user and I can't handle it, please help!

Basically, my boyfriend who is 23 (I am 18 takes Coke at least every other weekend and goes to festivals and events where he will take "party drugs" like mdma, Coke, pills.

Since knowing me for 8 months he has cut down from taking drugs from several times a week till a few times a month which I can deal with.

My problem is that we are going to festival in the summer which is 4 days long where he is going to binge on alcohol and drugs.

My brother died from heroin when I was 11 years old and although my boyfriend doesn't take herion, I am still scared that he will die during the 4 days.

The festival is two weeks away, I want to have fun with him and my friends but my anxiety is so bad and I constantly think about him dying. Am I being irrational ?? I don't want to break up with him because I know he will only go harder. He's the love of my life.

Please be as honest as possible, I need help! Thankyou

Taking these drugs is his choice and while you can ask him not to, it is up to him how much or how little he 'parties it up'.

If you do not like his drug use, then I think you might need to rethink your relationship with him. Go find yourself a boyfriend that is a little more straight laced.

You are not being irrational.

Honestly, I don't think this is the relationship for you. Either he's addicted and it will be a long way back or he's simply in no place to settle down anytime soon. You can't date someone hoping they will change. You have to date someone who already IS the person you want them to be.

I think you should break up with him. Not for him or to try to get him to change - but for you. The longer you are with the wrong guy, the longer it will be until you find the right guy.

Drugs should just be a dealbreaker (unless, I guess, someone take drugs themselves).

Don't waste your energy trying to get him to stop. He won't if he doesn't want to and he will simply resent you. Perhaps, over time, if enough people break up with him over this habit he will simply want to stop. Until then, you need to look after yourself.

Thankyou ! I think both of you are completely correct but the thing is because I love him so much I'm scared that if I break up with him now, he will go twice as hard at the festival. In my eyes his health is more important than our relationship.

Also because I'm going to the festival with him and have spent all the money I have to go I don't think breaking up with him is the right thing to do currently.

It's a complete mess. It's crazy how I've found someone who I completely connect with and have spent every single day with since the day I met him and now it has to be thrown away because I can't handle my anxiety and feelings towards hisndrug use.

Thankyou for replying, it's very helpful

You can ask him to minimise his drug use and stick to a low amount, but don't expect him to change. You have different backgrounds/life experiences, so he doesn't see drugs in the same light that you do.

Personally I don't think drug use is a black and white moral decision, but I know that I feel uneasy about it because my father abused recreational drugs growing up and gave them to my brothers and I as children/teens. Thus I don't date anyone who uses drugs. And when I found out someone I was dating used them very occasionally, I stopped attending events with this person where I knew there would be drugs

But I would never bother asking someone to change. You just take yourself out of that situation/relationship

Another issue is that, I always want to fix people. He suffers from depression and has told me that he feels like killing himself but he stressed that he would never do it because he has me. So the thought of leaving him knowing he has so many issues scares me.

I think I do need to leave him but it's so much more complicated than that

Yeh I think I just need to tell him I can't handle

It and see if he will compromise. I'm not completely against drugs either. I try to be as open minded as possible. It's just the festival which I'm scared about.

Another issue is that, I always want to fix people. He suffers from depression and has told me that he feels like killing himself but he stressed that he would never do it because he has me. So the thought of leaving him knowing he has so many issues scares me.

I think I do need to leave him but it's so much more complicated than that

This is incredibly manipulative and a huge red flag. Please please dump this loser like today because this has bad things written all over it. This is not just manipulative, but pure psychological blackmail to force you to stay in the relationship no matter what. NO, his mental health is not your responsibility and absolutely not something you can control or fix. Only person who can fix that is himself. Ditto for him deciding to commit suicide. Only he is responsible for his actions, never ever anyone else. If he decides to do something like that, you can rest assured he had way bigger issues than you.

The way you deal with people like that is leave them asap the moment they threaten you like that. IF they call you telling you that they will go through with it, kill themselves, whatever - you hang up and dial 911. You report where you believe they are and what problem they are having and you leave it up to the professionals to address their problems. You cannot solve these kinds of things, ever.

As for drug use, considering how you lost your brother, maybe you need to become a whole lot less open minded about that stuff. It's not only what can happen to him, but what can happen to you. In many states, for example, if you get pulled over and cops find drugs in the car, everyone will go jail. You will be charged as well and it will destroy your life and your personal future. Please stay away from that garbage.

Yeh I think I just need to tell him I can't handle

It and see if he will compromise. I'm not completely against drugs either. I try to be as open minded as possible. It's just the festival which I'm scared about.

Ok, you are sending indecisive, mixed messages here. Not good. You can't handle it but are not against drugs? Really? Which one is it? You can't be on the fence on this issue; it's either a dealbreaker for you (which it is/will be) or not.

Festival or not, he continues to use. Who's to say he won't use it for his birthday? A friend's birthday? Another upcoming festival or concert?

I lost my cousin the same way. He overdosed to celebrate his birthday. Heart completely stopped and he was driving. He also killed his friends who were riding along in the car.

Your boyfriend shows ZERO effort of ending his addiction. He is not going to stop for you because he is addicted. He needs professional rehabilitation and therapy, something you cannot provide for him. since this activity is highly illegal, it will jeopardize your well being such as him resorting to stealing money from you, spending your shared finances on substances (you will have NOTHING saved between the two of you), getting caught up with a drug dealer who can decide to kill oth of you, being physically careless (like my dumba** cousin), him being arrested and cops interrogating you for not reporting it, etc.

There is no room in a relationship for drugs. Period. This has nothing to do with you being closed or open minded. There are numerous facts out there describing the dangers of narcotic usage. It's an unhealthy lifestyle that you do not need to get involved in.

He needs to stop it altogether. And you need to walk away from this relationship now before it affects you.

NO, his mental health is not your responsibility and absolutely not something you can control or fix. Only person who can fix that is himself. Ditto for him deciding to commit suicide. Only he is responsible for his actions, never ever anyone else. If he decides to do something like that, you can rest assured he had way bigger issues than you.

 

The way you deal with people like that is leave them asap the moment they threaten you like that. IF they call you telling you that they will go through with it, kill themselves, whatever -you hang up and dial 911. You report where you believe they are and what problem they are having and you leave it up to the professionals to address their problems. You cannot solve these kinds of things

This needs to be empansized. I work in the mental health field and it is a tough job. Hell, I lost my childhood best friend to suicide last month (check out my thread here) and still haven't fully recovered from the pain... And I may never will. You need professional training to handle an individual who is mentally ill (depression, anger, sucidal, etc) AND/OR is under the influence. He is choosing to become self-destructive, and you can't do anything to change it without professional help being involved.

From the bits of info you shared, I feel think you maybe projecting your guilt over what happened to your brother onto your partner... Thinking if you couldn't save your brother, you can save this guy. If you truly want to help him, he needs to be referred to a professional. If he doesn't take the help,myou need to report him and walk away from the relationship. You really can't afford this drama in your life.

Chances are you will not have fun going to this event. Reason being is that you said that you don't like him and his using it and that is one thing that you cannot change. That change or wanting to change has to come from his solely. Chances are he is going to get drunk, he possibly will get high? Doesn't it scare you knowing that your own family member died as a result of this? Doesn't that make you want to realize that you would rather want someone who is clean?

I would break up with him. You are very incompatible. I can understand why drugs are a dealbreaker for you and they should be - so get out now. I know that's not what you want to hear. Find a clean man - there are millions of men out there that don't partake in drugs stronger than an aspirin and don't have a drinking problem either

Honestly, if you do not like drugs, then don't waste your time in a relationship with someone who uses them recreationally. It is unfair for you to put yourself in a situation like that, and he should respect your disapproval and quit them entirely if you mean enough to him. I'm only being so harsh because I just ended an 8-year relationship for nearly the same reason. At some point, people need to grow up, and if they can't, then you need to get out of the situation.

One into drugs, the other not. You two are incompatible and it will never work (imo). The writing is on the wall with this one.