We had sex before telling him I have genital herpes

I am mentally damaged for the past 5 days (it happened last Sunday). I feel so bad, irresponsible, unethical, embarrassed. I knew I should have told him earlier before it happened. I admit it's entirely my fault and I am being so selfish by risking his health for just a temporary pleasure

I just need some advice on how do I come clean with him. We just started seeing each other (it happened on the last date which was our second)

It's hard to say I LIKE this guy because we have only been out twice but we really get along well, he is sweet and gets my joke, has good relationship with his family, stable job and I would really like to know him more. I do

Has anybody ever encountered the same issue in their life, or has HSV2 and would like to share your experience disclosing it to your significant other? Any advice and guidance would be greatly appreciated. He is travelling at the moment and will be back in a few days. I plan to tell him the next day he is back

Did he use a condom?

This is not about romance and not about being embarrassed. You need to tell someone you are dating right away that you have herpes as soon as things start progressing and you can tell that it's leading to sex.

You have an obligation now to be responsible because of herpes. You will have to disclose it to who you are dating as soon as you notice things are becoming more intimate.

The only way to do the right thing is to risk losing him and risk his anger, exactly as you fear, because both are logical consequences of your actions.

Tell him how much you already have judged yourself, tell him you will understand his anger and absence if that is what results from the conversation, and tell him that you have to tell him versus disappear, because it is important to do what is right. Prove to yourself that you have the character this requires.

Wow... this makes me sick. How can you do that to someone? you might have just given this man a lifelong disease. A disease that is in some ways, worse for men. With or without protection that is an extremely contagious disease. People that you want to have a sex with have a right to know the risks beforehand.

When you get any STD, you HAVE to tell people you are dating! If you can't do that nor keep your pants on before the conversation, then you shouldn't be dating people at all, period. The only thing you can do now is tell this man upfront. You HAVE to tell him. He could start to develop symptoms and not know what is going on, you could put him through more hell than you already have by not telling him.

If I were in his shoes, I would be furious and upset. there's not much to avoid the drama now, but you have to tell him the truth.

hi,

just be honest with him. if he likes you too you will be able to work it out between you.

good luck

Honestly, if I was to find out that my new girlfriend who I just slept with did so without telling me she had HSV2, the relationship would end there.

I did have a relationship with a women who had HSV2 but it was years on and only had very rare break outs. She told me before we went there and it allowed me to make the decision and at least be aware and take precautions. She also told me of the years of misery she went through, how it had caused her self esteem to plummet and limited her on every single relationship she got involved in. If she had caught it knowing full well she might, then perhaps that might have been different, but she discovered the issue herself and from then on her life was different.

I think you owe it to him to tell him as soon as you can.

Yes we did.. I insisted to use even though he refused, there was some alcohol involved as well (not that that's gonna make me get away with this)

I really was planning to tell him but it all happened so quickly after we had a few drinks. Thanks Sherry for your advise

I didn't come here so you can make me feel lesser than I already am. I contracted it from my ex 2 years ago and have had only 1 outbreak (at the beginning of the diagnosis)

I am preparing myself for any kind of consequences that I might receive

Thank you for your 2 cents, I just can't wait for him to come back so I can end this asap

Hi, I just regret it so much that I let the alcohol involved. I am almost sure he will leave, which is the right thing to do since I have betrayed his trust and most likely have contracted him with a lifetime disease

Shall I text him to tell about this, now that he's out of the country? Or shall I wait until he comes back? I can't focus at anything thinking of what have I done

You are right, I would have done the same thing if he did what I did. Well, there's nothing else I can do to save this potential relationship other than hoping that he will not get contracted from me

I'm sorry that relationship ended. I hope you are doing well now; single or with a new girl

I just can't wait to tell him. He is travelling at the moment and I really wish I could see him today to come clean. Is it a stupid move to text instead of waiting for a few more days?

Thank you for your words. I am in tears reading them. I will see him first thing after he got home

Shall I say things like, " I will pay for your STD test" or things like that? OR just say sorry, explain, answer all his questions and don't ever propose such thing?

I am really sorry that herpes is a part of your reality. It's tough! No question. It doesn't change who you are as a human being - you still have all the same wants and needs - it just throws up this extra barrier, which is incredibly frustrating. As if dating wasn't hard enough, right??

Unfortunately, as you already know and are aware, what you did was wrong. Very wrong. It's not just that you put his health at risk - it's that you stripped him of the choice of whether or not to take that risk.

You absolutely have to tell him now and I'm not sure that there is any way that you can say it to make it "better". All you can really do is tell him how horrible you feel. It may not make him stay. You really have to prepare yourself that he will get mad and leave.

To be honest, it doesn't really sound like you've come to terms with your diagnosis. There are men that will be ok with the situation if you explain it upfront (i.e.: not on the first date but before sex) and give them time to process it. But, to prevent yourself from getting too hurt, you will really need to build a bit of a steel coat to the situation. There will, of course, be a lot of people who won't want to take the risk. Unfortunately, it is what it is. We all have our crosses to bear - and this one is yours.

Hi, I just regret it so much that I let the alcohol involved. I am almost sure he will leave, which is the right thing to do since I have betrayed his trust and most likely have contracted him with a lifetime disease

 

Shall I text him to tell about this, now that he's out of the country? Or shall I wait until he comes back? I can't focus at anything thinking of what have I done

Wait until he comes back.

It's unlikely he contracted it unless you were suffering a breakout of it at the time. Alcohol was involved, and HE insisted on not using a condom. He has some culpability if he gets it. Again, extremely unlikely he did. Regardless, have the talk. You messed up, big deal, we all do. And those that judge you are saying more about themselves, than they are you. Everyone f*** up in life. Everyone.

Trust me, I have been staying away from any guy since I broke up with my ex late last year(he has HSV1, and he contracted me with HSV2). This guy is the first one that I have ever been with after a long "hibernation"

We met through a mutual friend which is my boss. I just hope that with all the anger he might have later, he won't sell this story to her and ended up the whole company knows about this

I guess, I learned my lesson the hard way

Yes we did.. I insisted to use even though he refused, there was some alcohol involved as well (not that that's gonna make me get away with this)

Away from the HSV2 issue here, I would take caution on any partner who refuses to wear a condom. By insisting do you mean he did, or did he refuse even though you insisted?

Thank you so so much for your supportive post! No one knows how much it means to me

I am not trying to beg for sympathy nor comfort words, I just need someone to talk to and giving me opinions without being biased

Thank you once again. He is coming back this Sunday noon. Should I wait until Monday after work or come see him that same evening?

Shall I come to his place or talk outside; restaurant, coffee shop?

I would tell him asap, even if that means over text. Yes in person is better, but if you aren't able to chat with him today I would tell him another way. Are you exclusive? Is he possibly sexually active with others? Obviously he doesn't like wearing a condom (ugh...so irresponsible of him) and might potentially be exposing others.

It sucks, but I would tell him like now.

He did use condom. I put it on myself after several times resisting

Please do not text him this information.

Have an in-person conversation when he returns, or at the very least, a phone call while he is away. Texting is completely inappropriate to deliver that news. Tell him you need to be honest about your STI status, and very much regret you didn't tell him earlier and understand it was not right.

My best friend has been in your shoes. Many years ago, when she revealed she had herpes to a guy she'd already slept with once before, he ended it right then and there. He actually told her it wasn't because of the condition, per se, but the fact she'd essentially made a selfish and unilateral decision about his health by neglecting to be honest. She understood and learned her lesson. That may be what happens here too, as you already know. (The guy tested negative afterward, by the way)

For what it's worth, she was honest and upfront with the next man, and he took it quite well. He got informed and they take precautions. They are now married and in the 10 years they've been together, he hasn't contracted it. This of course is not always the case, but I tell you this to remind you that honesty and transparency pays off. You just never know how understanding and sensible a person might be when you give them the chance to make their own decision about their sexual health.

But he is on a vacation and wouldn't that just ruining his trip?

No we are not exclusive at all. We have been out only on 2 dates, did it on the 2nd date. Yesterday he said he cares for me and wants to see me more but I don't know if it's just talk or he really means it. It is still too early for me even though I enjoy his companion

He just broke up with his ex of 10 months 2 months ago, but we never got to touch that topic. So I really can't tell whether he is sexually active. But I remember we talked once about cheating and he said he cheated twice on his previous exes. So, I really don't know

You should be talking to him about his own sexual health record, too.

It's great that you used a condom, but my impression is that he's not bothered about protecting himself much. Thus, you don't know what he could be carrying either.

I can see it coming as well that he would walk away due to the fact that I was not being transparent about my health

Thank you for sharing this story. At least I feel like I'm not alone in this ship

We have only met twice and I wouldn't say he will be the one that got away, or is he? I can't tell yet. All I know at this stage is I like him and he likes me

I am so nervous, I feel like I might not be able to handle the consequences. Which is more to the fact that he might tell our mutual friend and will just cause another drama that I could have avoided if I was not so selfish!

That's what got me thinking but I didn't focus that much because I know for sure I am carrying one!

How do I start the talk? Straight to the point or apologise first? or just go with it?

Thank you so so much for your supportive post! No one knows how much it means to me

 

I am not trying to beg for sympathy nor comfort words, I just need someone to talk to and giving me opinions without being biased

 

Thank you once again. He is coming back this Sunday noon. Should I wait until Monday after work or come see him that same evening?

 

Shall I come to his place or talk outside; restaurant, coffee shop?

Definitely somewhere public. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can put it behind.

I don't think public is fair to him. I get part of that is for your safety, but if I was told news like that in public, I would feel even more embarrassed, flustered, and betrayed than I would in private. That's because my reaction would be on display for everyone to see.