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Thread: When you have romantic feelings for a friend

  1. #1
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    When you have romantic feelings for a friend

    33 years ago, when I was 15, I met someone that I developed an attraction to and romantic feelings for almost immediately. When I made the mistake shortly thereafter of telling a mutual friend that I liked her he told her and she was displeased and did not talk to me until I was able, with the help of the same mutual friend, to assure her that this mutual friend was just joking.

    After that we became very close friends but I never told her how I felt. She of course dated different guys including the mutual friend which tore me apart. Many of them were unkind to her, including, ultimately, the mutual friend. For years I was her shoulder and her sympathetic ear.

    There were other girls that I liked and even dated over the years but none ever really meant to me what she did.

    Within a decade after high school, after she had found a guy who treated her well and married him, on the worst day of my life, we fell out of touch.

    By the time the next decade was up I had sought her out and we reconnected. She was then and is now still married to the same guy.

    It didn't take long for us to get back to where we were, to having a very close relationship.

    Over the last few years as well as during the time that we were out of touch she has been involved in affairs with other men that were either emotional or physical or both which I know because once again I was her shoulder and her ear during these times.

    She has always been appreciative of my friendship and she has let me know on a regular basis that she loves me.


    Eventually, I did tell her that I've been in love with her for over 30 years and that while I had come to accept that she was married and to cope with the fact that her husband got to be physically intimate with her and I didn't, which I was able to do because he treats her very well, it was kind of killing me to know that these guys that she was having affairs with her treating her badly.

    I'm my mind they weren't worthy of intimacy with her and if she was going to go outside her marriage it should be with someone who was. It should be with me. It should be me because I truly love her and I've shown her love for over three decades.

    I told her this and she assured me that I didn't need to feel badly because she was going to stop having affairs.

    We are still close friends and to this day it seems like she's staying out of trouble.

    Here's the problem.

    I'm in touch with her constantly because of Facebook. She's always posting pictures of herself and posting about things and my heart breaks almost every day. It is not so much because I want us to be an ongoing couple. I wouldn't want to see her leave her husband and change her life.

    But as I get older it's starting to bother me that I'm going to leave this life 30 years from now or something without having even made love to her one time. Without ever having held her like a lover would hold her one time. Without ever having kissed her like a lover would kiss her one time.

    She's RIGHT there! I can kiss her on the cheek to greet her, I can hug her to say goodbye, but I can't go further than that.

    I just want to go further than that one time in my life with her. The thought that I never will just breaks my heart.

    So, I am considering explaining all of this to her and coming right out and asking her to please grant me the favor of allowing me to be intimate with her one time.

    My dilemma is that I don't want to have her reaction be one of anger that I would ask her to cheat on her husband. I also don't want her to think I'm trying to say that I think she owes me physical intimacy. I don't think she owes it to me.

    I do want her to understand though how it hurts me, whether it's rational or not, whether it's right or not, that she was intimate with these other guys that were jerks to her. I do want her to love me enough to say you know if this is something that you really want and if it means that much to you I will do it for you one time.

    She's had sex countless times in her life so it shouldn't be a big deal to have it with me. It's not like she doesn't have love for me. She's just not physically attracted to me. Well I happen to want her desperately and I think she should put aside the fact that she's not attracted to me for a half hour and grant me this one favor, not because she owes me physical intimacy but because friends who love each other do things for each other that they don't necessarily want to do. Why shouldn't sex be one of those things?

    Anyway, I guess I'm posting this here for feedback.

    Is there a chance that she'll view this request in any way other than being put off by it and actually consider granting it or am I driving my train into a wall after which I hit I will no longer have her as a friend?
    Last edited by BigB1701; 07-26-2017 at 01:01 PM. Reason: Typos

  2. #2
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    Wow, seriously?? You need to move on from high school. I barely even talk to anyone I went to high school with. Why can't you move forward with your life? You have built up a fantasy of this woman, she sounds awful. Seriously. She cheats on her husband, what is so great about her? "She's had sex countless times in her life so it shouldn't be a big deal to have it with me."???!? That's a really messed up thing to say.

    I think you need to cut contact with this woman and get some therapy. It's not normal to be so hung up on something for 30 years. Why do you feel it's necessary to put yourself through this torture rather than move forward in life and find a real, loving relationship?

  3. #3
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    I don't think it's a messed thing to say at all. We're very close. Sex is just sex. It's no different than other activities. We just assign it a higher value. People engage in sex or sex acts with folks they're not romantically interested in all the time. Friends with benefits do, people who act in movies do, people who work in porn do, sex therapists do, prostitutes do, etc..

    Why is it wrong to say it shouldn't be a big deal? It shouldn't be, for two close friends. It's no different than if we did a puzzle or went fishing. Its just sex.

    She's not horrible. She's a wonderful person with flaws. One of them is that she's had a couple of brief affairs during her 25 year marriage.

    As for me, I wouldn't say that I'm hung up on high school. I would say that I simply have romantic feelings for a long time friend. Have you never heard of the concept of the one that got away?

    Anyway thanks for your feedback.
    Last edited by BigB1701; 07-26-2017 at 01:42 PM. Reason: Needed to clarify some parts

  4. #4
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    You want to have sex with someone who has clearly told you she isn't attracted to you?

    Even if she agreed (which would be nuts) you are in love with her. 30min of sex isn't going to fix your feelings it's going to make you more attached.

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  6. #5
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    As I said, people have sex with people they're not attracted to all the time. So it wouldn't be nuts, especially since there is affection between us, except because she's married. But she's also already crossed that bridge repeatedly.

    Perhaps it would make me more attached, but atleast I'd have the experience of the one time which would always be in my memory.
    Last edited by BigB1701; 07-26-2017 at 07:09 PM. Reason: Typos

  7. #6
    Gold Member Birdie's Avatar
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    This is obsession and incredibly unhealthy. You need to back away if not cut her out of your life completely.

  8. #7
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    I think its nice that you have feelings for her, but it is very unhealthy. It has clearly stopped you from moving forward in your life. Asking her to have sex with you, because she has had sex before is a terrible idea. She will most likely resent you for asking. (I know I would). Do you realize that if she has already told you she isn't attracted to you, that is her way of expressing that she isn't interested in you, that way? And would you really want sympathy sex? That's all it would be. Who wants sex from someone that isn't mutually interested? The only situation's I can think of like that are rape and prostitution. If you truly love her, you wouldn't want to make her feel like she was in either of those positions, would you? Anyway... from your descriptions it sounds like she gets around quite a bit... you might just end up with a different kind of lifetime reminder of the sex act, and not the good kind!!!

  9. #8
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    You're a sucker for punishment. You never should have reconnected with her in the first place. No offense, but guys like you give "guy friends" a bad name.

  10. #9
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    So, Birdie, how do I tell her? "Yeah, we can't be friends anymore because I'm obsessed with you."?
    Last edited by BigB1701; 07-27-2017 at 06:15 PM. Reason: Forgot a word

  11. #10
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    HPLady, not because she's had sex before, because I can't stand the idea of never having it with her. To donme a favor. The position I would be putting her in is one of doing me a favor, like dog sitting my beagle, or helping me rake my lawn by engaging in an act she is not a stranger to, with a close friend that she has affection for, in order to fulfill a wish he has. I wouldn't call it sympathy sex. I'd call it casual favor sex. Sex for sex's sake, and to help a friend, not for her pleasure, though she may actually enjoy it. It's not just rape and prostitution. There's porn, there are regular romance movies, there are sex therapists, etc..

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