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When you have romantic feelings for a friend


BigB1701

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33 years ago, when I was 15, I met someone that I developed an attraction to and romantic feelings for almost immediately. When I made the mistake shortly thereafter of telling a mutual friend that I liked her he told her and she was displeased and did not talk to me until I was able, with the help of the same mutual friend, to assure her that this mutual friend was just joking.

 

After that we became very close friends but I never told her how I felt. She of course dated different guys including the mutual friend which tore me apart. Many of them were unkind to her, including, ultimately, the mutual friend. For years I was her shoulder and her sympathetic ear.

 

There were other girls that I liked and even dated over the years but none ever really meant to me what she did.

 

Within a decade after high school, after she had found a guy who treated her well and married him, on the worst day of my life, we fell out of touch.

 

By the time the next decade was up I had sought her out and we reconnected. She was then and is now still married to the same guy.

 

It didn't take long for us to get back to where we were, to having a very close relationship.

 

Over the last few years as well as during the time that we were out of touch she has been involved in affairs with other men that were either emotional or physical or both which I know because once again I was her shoulder and her ear during these times.

 

She has always been appreciative of my friendship and she has let me know on a regular basis that she loves me.

 

 

Eventually, I did tell her that I've been in love with her for over 30 years and that while I had come to accept that she was married and to cope with the fact that her husband got to be physically intimate with her and I didn't, which I was able to do because he treats her very well, it was kind of killing me to know that these guys that she was having affairs with her treating her badly.

 

I'm my mind they weren't worthy of intimacy with her and if she was going to go outside her marriage it should be with someone who was. It should be with me. It should be me because I truly love her and I've shown her love for over three decades.

 

I told her this and she assured me that I didn't need to feel badly because she was going to stop having affairs.

 

We are still close friends and to this day it seems like she's staying out of trouble.

 

Here's the problem.

 

I'm in touch with her constantly because of Facebook. She's always posting pictures of herself and posting about things and my heart breaks almost every day. It is not so much because I want us to be an ongoing couple. I wouldn't want to see her leave her husband and change her life.

 

But as I get older it's starting to bother me that I'm going to leave this life 30 years from now or something without having even made love to her one time. Without ever having held her like a lover would hold her one time. Without ever having kissed her like a lover would kiss her one time.

 

She's RIGHT there! I can kiss her on the cheek to greet her, I can hug her to say goodbye, but I can't go further than that.

 

I just want to go further than that one time in my life with her. The thought that I never will just breaks my heart.

 

So, I am considering explaining all of this to her and coming right out and asking her to please grant me the favor of allowing me to be intimate with her one time.

 

My dilemma is that I don't want to have her reaction be one of anger that I would ask her to cheat on her husband. I also don't want her to think I'm trying to say that I think she owes me physical intimacy. I don't think she owes it to me.

 

I do want her to understand though how it hurts me, whether it's rational or not, whether it's right or not, that she was intimate with these other guys that were jerks to her. I do want her to love me enough to say you know if this is something that you really want and if it means that much to you I will do it for you one time.

 

She's had sex countless times in her life so it shouldn't be a big deal to have it with me. It's not like she doesn't have love for me. She's just not physically attracted to me. Well I happen to want her desperately and I think she should put aside the fact that she's not attracted to me for a half hour and grant me this one favor, not because she owes me physical intimacy but because friends who love each other do things for each other that they don't necessarily want to do. Why shouldn't sex be one of those things?

 

Anyway, I guess I'm posting this here for feedback.

 

Is there a chance that she'll view this request in any way other than being put off by it and actually consider granting it or am I driving my train into a wall after which I hit I will no longer have her as a friend?

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Wow, seriously?? You need to move on from high school. I barely even talk to anyone I went to high school with. Why can't you move forward with your life? You have built up a fantasy of this woman, she sounds awful. Seriously. She cheats on her husband, what is so great about her? "She's had sex countless times in her life so it shouldn't be a big deal to have it with me."???!? That's a really messed up thing to say.

 

I think you need to cut contact with this woman and get some therapy. It's not normal to be so hung up on something for 30 years. Why do you feel it's necessary to put yourself through this torture rather than move forward in life and find a real, loving relationship?

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I don't think it's a messed thing to say at all. We're very close. Sex is just sex. It's no different than other activities. We just assign it a higher value. People engage in sex or sex acts with folks they're not romantically interested in all the time. Friends with benefits do, people who act in movies do, people who work in porn do, sex therapists do, prostitutes do, etc..

 

Why is it wrong to say it shouldn't be a big deal? It shouldn't be, for two close friends. It's no different than if we did a puzzle or went fishing. Its just sex.

 

She's not horrible. She's a wonderful person with flaws. One of them is that she's had a couple of brief affairs during her 25 year marriage.

 

As for me, I wouldn't say that I'm hung up on high school. I would say that I simply have romantic feelings for a long time friend. Have you never heard of the concept of the one that got away?

 

Anyway thanks for your feedback.

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As I said, people have sex with people they're not attracted to all the time. So it wouldn't be nuts, especially since there is affection between us, except because she's married. But she's also already crossed that bridge repeatedly.

 

Perhaps it would make me more attached, but atleast I'd have the experience of the one time which would always be in my memory.

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I think its nice that you have feelings for her, but it is very unhealthy. It has clearly stopped you from moving forward in your life. Asking her to have sex with you, because she has had sex before is a terrible idea. She will most likely resent you for asking. (I know I would). Do you realize that if she has already told you she isn't attracted to you, that is her way of expressing that she isn't interested in you, that way? And would you really want sympathy sex? That's all it would be. Who wants sex from someone that isn't mutually interested? The only situation's I can think of like that are rape and prostitution. If you truly love her, you wouldn't want to make her feel like she was in either of those positions, would you? Anyway... from your descriptions it sounds like she gets around quite a bit... you might just end up with a different kind of lifetime reminder of the sex act, and not the good kind!!!

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HPLady, not because she's had sex before, because I can't stand the idea of never having it with her. To donme a favor. The position I would be putting her in is one of doing me a favor, like dog sitting my beagle, or helping me rake my lawn by engaging in an act she is not a stranger to, with a close friend that she has affection for, in order to fulfill a wish he has. I wouldn't call it sympathy sex. I'd call it casual favor sex. Sex for sex's sake, and to help a friend, not for her pleasure, though she may actually enjoy it. It's not just rape and prostitution. There's porn, there are regular romance movies, there are sex therapists, etc..

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You may be right about your first assertion, Unreasonable. I disagree with your second. Why does it give guy friends a bad name because I developed feelings for a friend? Because I told her I had them? Because I'm honest with her, and may honestly tell her what I'd like?

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Because you knew you had feelings for her when you reconnected. This is not a friendship, it's unrequited love. Take the hint, she's not into you that way. No, a FRIEND does NOT tell a married woman they have romantic feelings for them! A FRIEND, regardless of her past dalliances, respects the fact that she IS married, and doesn't look at adultery as "no big deal." Unless she's in an agreed-upon open marriage, you have NO business encroaching into this territory. Again, you never should have reconnected with her in the first place, and you need to back off and get out of her life, because you do not have honorable intentions. You are either totally blinded by this woman or your moral compass is totally out of whack. You perpetuate a widely held belief that opposite-sex friends are not to be trusted, and that's sad.

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^Unreasonable is right. Also, most of this scenario is built upon a fantasy that you've created and maintained for a very long time.

 

I had a short romance with someone that I had known for years, revealed my feelings for, had the relationship that I'd always wanted and then my world came crashing down around me when she moved on. I'm just now getting my mind and heart straight a year after we broke up. I wish I had never pursued her, saved myself the pain and anguish.

 

Leave this woman alone and wish her well. It will not be the fantasy that you've perpetuated in your mind and if she doesn't fall in love with you, it will destroy you on the inside. Don't put yourself through the risk and pain. This fantasy has been developed over a long period of time and it will take a lot of time and effort to unravel.....but you need to do it.

 

It would be better that you find someone that starts to check all the boxes that you have FANTASIZED about this woman being able to fill. Rarely do our fantasies work out in the real world. And that's just the way it goes.....unfortunately.

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You asked how we thought she would view it. I gave you my opinion. Yet you want to argue with everyone. You are just making excuses in your head for reasons to go forward with your quest to have sex with someone that obviously doesn't want to have sex with you. Its pretty clear. I don't even know why you would ask. If she wanted to, she would have, a long time ago when she started looking outside of her marriage and you were right there, but she didn't. Not at all. As a matter of fact, she seemed to enjoy telling you all about her sex adventures- with EVERYONE ELSE. So go ahead, ask her.... prove us wrong. And no, asking someone to "do you a favor" and have sex with you, does not compare to simple tasks such as walking a dog for you. Really?! Sex is not just something you do with everyone. Attraction is important. And honestly? You don't care if she enjoys it? Wow. This explains a lot. Here's a tip for you, you SHOULD care how the person you are having sex with feels. Even if its just casual. No wonder she hasn't wanted to have sex with you. With comments like that, you are lucky if you have had sex with any woman that has heard you speak first. Sex isn't only an act- especially for a woman. Sex starts with the biggest sex organ any of us have, our brains.

If I worked with someone, or had a friend even... that said- Hey, do me a favor- fulfill my fantasy of having sex with you.... I would be totally creeped out and from that point on see that friendship differently.

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Un., perhaps I'm not the best at being a friend. Nobody's perfect. Maybe I didn't make it clear in my initial post but I thought that I had explained that I didn't start developing this thought that I couldn't handle going through my entire life without having sex with her until after she started telling me about the affair she was having with people that were horrible to her. The point being that when I reconnected with her I wasn't where I am now in terms of wanting to have sex with her. Yes of course I had feelings for her but it wasn't like this. To say that I shouldn't have reconnected with her back then is just incorrect. As for whether or not it's a big deal, I disagree with you. It mustn't be a big deal to her because of her adultury in the past. So that's how I'm treating it. And I am to be trusted. I haven't done a damned thing wrong...yet. And I may never. So relax.

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I'm not arguing with anyone. We're having a discussion. I asked a question you guys give me answers and I am exploring the subject with you within the context of your answers. I know she doesn't want to. I would be asking her to put aside the fact that she doesn't want to and do it anyway. If I did ask she would either say yes I will do it even though I don't want to or no I'm not going to do it because I don't want to.

 

I'm aware that the conventional wisdom is that sex is different from things like walking the dog or helping somebody move some furniture. What I'm trying to tell you is that that's a human construct. It isn't any different. It's a simple biological function. We have attached all these other things to it. As I said a couple of times now people have sex with people they're not attracted to all the time without any problems. Film actors kiss and fondle and get fondled by people they're not necessarily attracted to all the time. Not every porn performer is attracted to every person that they have full on sex with at their jobs either. Sex therapists often aren't attracted to the people that they engage in sex acts with. So asking her to have sex with someone she isn't attracted to is not some crazy beyond the bounds of human decency kind of thing that I'd be asking her to do. It's done all the time and not just by prostitutes.

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Do you mean that asking the question won't be worth it or do you mean that if I actually were able to be intimate with her it would end up not being worth it?

 

I don't know. I probably won't even ask her. It just makes my blood boil that these people who are complete asses and who treated her terribly got to be with her to one degree of intimacy or another and I never will even though I love her very much and I've been nothing but great to her. The only reason for that that I can think of is because she's just not physically attracted to me and that stinks. There's no way that that's not going to sting. And I guess I just feel I need to make sure she knows how much it stings if that is in fact her ultimate reason for not being willing to be intimate with me. I guess I just want to hear her say it. I guess I want to make her look me in the eye after everything we meant to each other over the years and tell me that I'm just not good enough to be intimate with her because of how I look.

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I guess I just want to hear her say it. I guess I want to make her look me in the eye after everything we meant to each other over the years and tell me that I'm just not good enough to be intimate with her because of how I look.
At this point I'm morbidly curious, so if that's really what you want, go for it.
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  • 2 years later...

So it went badly. LOL! I didn’t come right out and ask her I told her I would be upset if she had an affair with someone who is a jerk to her and didn’t also sleep with me. She was already having the affair of course but didn’t own up to it being sexual and still hasn’t. It ended shortly after of course because it got insane. as much as I did say though bothered her and she was distant for a long time and wouldn’t see me and then finally on the up to the fact that I had upset her with what I said. I apologized and we got past it but my feelings haven’t changed so I’m still in the same boat.

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