Not sure what to say to him through texting

I don't know what to say to him. Been out on on three dates, and one sleepover with a new guy. No sex, just sleep. He calls me “babe” & “darling”. We get a little mushy, but I attribute it to the newness of liking someone. I like him. He seems to like me. Last night he was asking which of the names I prefer he call me and was saying he wished I was there with him.

 

We used to text all day, banter & flirtation. Now, I feel like we have nothing to talk about. I haven’t been doing anything interesting, and I think I’m nervous around him, because I do actually have feelings, and its making me vulnerable.He really hasn’t been sending me anything that captivating either. Am I boring? Are things dying out? My friends tell me even serious couple that live together don’t talk all the time. I guess maybe I am overreacting. I was thinking this way last night, and he was asking me what pet name I liked best. So that doesn’t seem like someone who is not interested. I don’t want to rush anything. He texts me almost every morning.

Just from my personal experience I'd say you aren't a good match. It's a different thing to not have anything to talk about years or even months in and a different thing to not have anything to say 3dates in.

 

Don't think of relationships as to what the other person feels or sees you. Are YOU interested in him? Is HE boring?

Well, you should know each other and find some topics that you can talk about, no matter are that world news, new things in music, movies or whatever, you should just find topic that you both like...

I think you both just stumbled on the down side of over-communication early on in a relationship. When you text and chat on the phone all the time, sooner or later you wind up with nothing interesting to say because there hasn't been enough time for something to happen. There is no time for someone to wonder about you (which is crucial for attraction), because they know what you are at every second of the day.

 

Then when the calling and texting reverts to 'normal' levels later on it seems like the other person is losing interest. With all this over-communication some people don't have anything new or interesting to talk about on an actual date, and in some cases even see the need for a date.

 

Just remember relationships for the most part are built in person where you can see a person's body language and all the extra sensory cues. Leave the texting and calling to a minimum.

That's kinda the risk you run. The simple fact I hate talking on the phone or texting aside, a big reason I don't do all the between-date communication starting out is because you do run out of stuff, and it's nice to have something to talk about when you meet up. Once you've actually gotten to know each other, you can start tailoring conversations and material to the person and it becomes a lot easier to shoot the ****. But, again, I'd avoid wasting all your ice breakers and jokes between dates.

So there's a bit more to this than meets the eye.

 

A few weeks ago I started talking to this guy. I suggested after a while that we meet up. We met for drinks one night, and at first when I saw him, he wasn’t my type at all. But we got to talking, he had a great personality, and a cuteness to him, and we ended up having a great time. We continued talking through text messages all day every day. It was lighthearted and fun.

 

We went out a second time, and it was close to perfect. We ate, laughed, and there was clear chemistry there. He kept brushing his hand on my knee or casually “accidentally” almost putting his arm around my shoulder. I started to think I liked him. We were texting more, and it turned into flirtation and him saying he wants to see me again. I would tease him, and he would tease me and we would banter back and forth.

 

We planned another date. He drove a distance to come to my area. We went bowling, then out for a drink, then back to my place to watch a movie. We cuddled up a bit, but he didn’t try anything and I did not lead him to think anything was going to happen. He didn’t end up leaving until about 3am. He kissed me goodbye.

 

The day after we were texting per usual, and we started getting a little more sappy with each other. Sending more kissy face emoji’s and saying how we couldn’t wait to see each other. I am usually not like this. It makes me feel so vulnerable, but we both seemed to be just blurting this stuff out. He was doing it, so I did it too, feeling comfort that he was doing it first.

 

Later in the day after he got out of work, he told me he was dying to see me and cuddle with me again. He told me he’d drive back to me in a heartbeat, and how we should cuddle and fall asleep.

 

I told him that I am not just someone’s cuddle buddy and I am not looking to be. And how I do not want to give him the wrong impression of me. He said “That’s definitely not all I want you to be either.”

 

He came over a while later. He even told me how he has a guy friend in town visiting him, and he left his guy friend at his apartment to come see me. I loved this. Clearly his priority was seeing me. This is what I have been looking for in a guy for a long time. We watched some tv. Kissed minimally. He doesn’t pull anything on me, which I love. Most guys who have a girl on the couch, with little shorts and a tank on, would have taken advantage. It’s happened to me before. But he didn’t. He’s so respectful of me, it shocks me. We then decide to go to bed. We are just lying there talking. Again, he barely touches me. And he gets an itch in his eye. He goes in the bathroom and is in there for a while. When I go to check on him, he realizes he has something in his eye. We rinse it and try to get it out for over an hour. It’s so late at this point. We finally just go to bed, as he hopes to be better in the morning. We wake, cuddle, and then he has to go to work.

 

He hits tons of traffic on his way back, but tells me it was well worth it. Then when I tell him to have a good day. He says “Thanks babe.”

 

I was a bit shocked by this name. My friends in relationships usually use that. I’ve only been out with him 4 times. We continue to text daily. He calls me “babe” and “darling” a lot, and even asks what name I prefer.

 

I’m super taken with this guy. I like him a lot. He isn’t my type, but I have realized that my type isn’t a look or a persona, its someone whom treats me with respect and well. I mean they have to be somewhat cute to look at, and he definitely is, but he treats me really well. Always pays for everything, and doesn’t bat an eye at the cost. Texts me all day about his day. Wants to see me. The cute names really melt my heart. No one has ever called me “babe” or “darling” before. My friends said they think he seems to really care for me.

 

What I am struggling with now, is that I am getting nervous. He and I don’t text like we used to.

 

Another issue is he is potentially leaving for a 4 month business trip this winter, to be back in the spring. He did let me know right away. He said he is looking for someone who can handle it and be okay with it.

 

I think this is where my nervousness is stemming from. Its a huge elephant in the room. I think its also why I am unsure of what to say and make witty banter with him, because I am trying to be what I think he wants. Not myself. I am losing myself. I hate this.

 

I just said something to him about it. “Its unfortunate that you have to leave, because we could keep seeing where this is headed with us, but I know how much it makes you happy to go and how vital it is for your career.”

 

He responded saying “So we can’t keep seeing where this is headed if I leave?”

 

I said ” I definitely want to see where this is headed. I’m not going to lie and say it does not concern me though. It does.”

 

He said “I agree. Its not easy, but hoping we can not let the uncertainty of it cause problems now.”

 

I wish I never said anything. Now things are probably going to be awkward and I’m going to feel weird. And he probably thinks I can’t handle it and I’m clingy. I’m so confused and lost. I like him and he seems to really like me. Or I think he does. I don’t want me saying something to mess things up. But it is how I truly feel, and he was the one that brought his business trip into the conversation to begin with.

In the initial stages of a relationship, you are starry-eyed, loved-up and high on hormones. This always, always, fades away and it's rare that it happens simultaneously for both people - and the one who's losing the romantic high more slowly can often worry that their partner's losing interest.

 

They probably aren't. It's just that you are now starting to have a more 'normal', sustainable relationship, and not texting so much is a part of this.

 

If I've read your post right, his trip isn't until the winter - and it's not even August yet! WHY are you worrying about this now? He's probably as confused as you are! Your statement

Its unfortunate that you have to leave, because we could keep seeing where this is headed with us, but I know how much it makes you happy to go and how vital it is for your career.

could have led him to think you were about to dump him, hence his response.

 

He is absolutely right when he says

I agree. Its not easy, but hoping we can not let the uncertainty of it cause problems now.

The trip - if it happens - is months away. It's for four months, not four years, and I'm guessing you can use phones, skype etc to keep in touch? Hopefully by then your relationship will be more established and this will be easier.

 

He's looking for someone who can handle the trip and be OK with it. What this means is that he wants a partner who's a woman in her own right, who isn't permanently dependent on him, has a life and friends of her own and is pleased for him to have this opportunity - which will ultimately benefit both of them. It sounds as though he's really into you, and has high hopes for the relationship.

 

Question is, are you that woman?

In the initial stages of a relationship, you are starry-eyed, loved-up and high on hormones. This always, always, fades away and it's rare that it happens simultaneously for both people - and the one who's losing the romantic high more slowly can often worry that their partner's losing interest.

 

They probably aren't. It's just that you are now starting to have a more 'normal', sustainable relationship, and not texting so much is a part of this.

 

If I've read your post right, his trip isn't until the winter - and it's not even August yet! WHY are you worrying about this now? He's probably as confused as you are! Your statement could have led him to think you were about to dump him, hence his response.

 

He is absolutely right when he says The trip - if it happens - is months away. It's for four months, not four years, and I'm guessing you can use phones, skype etc to keep in touch? Hopefully by then your relationship will be more established and this will be easier.

 

He's looking for someone who can handle the trip and be OK with it. What this means is that he wants a partner who's a woman in her own right, who isn't permanently dependent on him, has a life and friends of her own and is pleased for him to have this opportunity - which will ultimately benefit both of them. It sounds as though he's really into you, and has high hopes for the relationship.

 

Question is, are you that woman?

 

I see what you are saying. I am so worried now, because I can feel myself starting to like him more and more, and if he picks up and takes off in a few months and leaves me high and dry, I am going to be crushed. I am trying to protect myself. I feel myself investing little by little and I don't want to for not a sure thing. I've been burned in the past. I am happy for him if he is happy. But I also have to think about myself. Am I okay going to Christmas, New Years, and my Birthday with couples, and me being alone without him there, because he is away? I don't know yet. I want to be that woman. I want it so bad.

 

I didn't mean to make him think I was dumping him. I really hope he doesn't think that. I really like him, more than he realizes. I am afraid. So afraid.

 

I want to live in the moment and be the sassy, confident me. But I feel myself becoming reserved. Trying to be the girl I think he wants and not me. Trying to protect myself so not speaking my mind. Afraid of getting hurt, so being more passive. Thus why I think some of our texting is less now. I am overthinking and trying to protect myself, because I feel myself becoming more and more vulnerable and it scares me.

 

He told me about this trip practically on our first date and then now he brings it up all the time. So much, that I questioned if he was gauging my reaction. Him looking for me to be okay with long distance after a few dates puts so much pressure on me. Now I am trying so hard to be the girl he wants and not myself. I want to continue to have fun and get to know him and experience life together. I'm hoping we are more established by the time he leaves. Its almost August. He leaves mid-October.

 

I'm not dependent on him. I was fine before him and after him. But I don't know if I want to be alone, when I could find someone who is stationed here to date. Its hard. But I know I like him. I hope I didn't scare him off.

 

He is still texting me though, so that's a good sign. Asking how my day is. I think I am just afraid at continuing with the kissy faces, and "babe" usage, and me getting attached, when in a few months he could say "Ok well this was super fun. I'm leaving."

 

I am happy for him. If it makes him happy to go. He doesn't have to go. He can choose to work here. But he has a better project if he goes.

 

I want it to work. I don't want to scare him away with my insecurity.

 

I did long distance in the past. I did it well. I initiated talking a lot and wanting to visit. It was the other person who dropped the ball. He barely called or texted. Didn't come visit me, and just didn't put effort in. It failed. I'm scared of a repeat.

It was the other person who dropped the ball. He barely called or texted. Didn't come visit me, and just didn't put effort in. It failed. I'm scared of a repeat.

 

This is not the same guy. Repeat this to yourself until you can really believe it.

 

It's only four months, not forever. Just take your relationship one day at a time, enjoy yourself in the here and now and everything else will take care of itself. Ironically, the kind of self-protection you describe is likely to bring about precisely the thing you're protecting yourself against - and you're already aware of how counter-productive it is.

You gotta lighten up.

You're acting like this trip is something he's doing TO you.

 

It's not. Didn't he have it planned before he met you?

 

And why haven't you been doing anything interesting? What do you do when he's not around?

I don't see the question... just a person looking for the internet to calm her anxiety... you gotta learn how to get a hold of it yourself.

Things have simmered down and I'm fine now. I realized that I was prematurely worrying about something that had yet to happen and trying so hard to plan it out so it doesn't happen badly, that I was overthinking and stressing myself for nothing. Something I have been working with a counselor with. I need to try to stay more in the moment. Protecting yourself isn't a bad thing, but I was worrying about something that is out of my control as, I can only control me and he can only control how he acts.

 

He and I talked it over and we both want to continue to see each other and see how it goes. We both agreed that the fun part was the journey of getting to know one another and not the destination. He even said that maybe I could visit him when he goes away. I liked this thought and was very shocked he even mentioned it. Especially because he was possibly thinking we would still be seeing each other many months from now. My mother however didn't like it. She doesn't like how he mentions me coming to visit. She thinks he needs to come to me. But I told her because of his job its complicated. She thinks its ridiculous and how if I spend money going to see him, and he has to work, then whats the point.

 

What do you all think about that?

 

Something else that is starting to sort of bother me is lack of asking me out further. He slept over Sunday into Monday morning. On Tuesday, I mentioned us going out for a quick bite for dinner. We made a plan, but he canceled last minute. He said he really did want to see me and he was so sorry. He was extremely tired. I believed him. He fell asleep at 9pm that night and he had been sick, so I do think he was genuinely tired. But we have yet to make a follow up plan.

 

Now Wednesday, I jokingly asked him to come over after work. He got out at 9pm tonight. I asked him around that time. I almost asked knowing he wouldn't, and was surprised when he actually considered it. He started saying "babe, wish you were here."

 

I told him I wish I was, but it was too late and too last minute. He said he understood.

 

He then asked me to drive to him. I told him I would not and I understood if he didn't want to drive to me either. Our conversation was fine, full of "babe" from him and lightheartedness. Everything was fine. But again, we have no plans for the future. Tomorrow I am almost positive he is getting out of work earlier. But I could be wrong. I'm hoping he steps up and asks to do something. He doesn't remind me of a guy who just wants a casual last minute cuddle buddy. The dates we have been on, we had a lot of fun and when I mention dates out, he always seems enthusiastic about it. I've had the cuddle buddy type, and they aren't into fun plans out.

 

I hope to see him soon. I'm going to try to not let him leave affect me. We might not be together before he leaves. I hope we are. But then we will decide what to do when that time comes.

You're being way too overanalytical right now. You've been on four dates. Okay two that were back at your place (ehh) but anyway.

You barely know him.

Continue to live your life. You're acting really clingy right now, so breatheeeeee. You have friends right? Hang with them. You must have other things in your life that can keep you occupied, not just waiting for this guy to suggest hanging out again.

Agree with Honeycomb. You are being too analytic. You remind me of me. I could've written this a month back.

 

Focus on you. Right now it's like you've placed yourself in a room that has some crystal ball in it that follows his life. Every. Single. Minute. Of. It. He's the main attraction of your life. To add to that, you depend your actions and adapt your character according to his moves. Like a puppet.

 

By depicting it ,maybe you'll see what you are doing to yourself.

Focus on you! YOU are choosing a potential partner right now. He must live up to YOUR expectations. If he doesn't, you will go on with YOUR life. It doesn't matter how interested he is,but how interested YOU are. He is an option in YOUR life.

 

When I get too obsessed over one guy it always helps to go on a date with another or just chat with another just to see how non important he is, there are many more matches out there.

My mother however didn't like it. She doesn't like how he mentions me coming to visit.

 

What on EARTH has your mother got to do with any of this??? It's absolutely none of her business!

 

As j.man says, you really need to lighten up!

I totally see what you all are saying. I realized last night when I was sitting watching some tv, that I have been neglecting my friends and my life, because I am hung up on him. I looked into my weekend and realized I didn't have any plans, and usually I do. I also realized that whether or not he and I stay together, he is leaving and I am going to need my own life and my friends when he is gone, because I will be by myself. I am forgetting about me and all my thoughts are on him. I have a great job, great friends, family, etc...

 

I am supposed to be going on vacation next week with my family. It was getting to the point where I was considering not even going. I sat back and realized that this way crazy. This is MY life. And I would be miserable sticking around waiting for him to see me. We are going to a place that I love. I want to go. I want to go with my family. I want to enjoy myself. Hopefully being away all next week and having some time with myself and my family will put things into perspective better.

 

My mother is a big part of my life. She and I are best friends. We talk a lot.

 

I just need to vent a moment about my mother, because she sometimes drives me crazy about the guy thing. Sometimes I think she is way too expectant and judgmental of these men I meet and go out with, which in turn makes me that way too.

 

So last night at around 11pm, he asked me what I was doing on Friday night. I told him I was free. He said he was invited by some big boss at his work to a party at his house, and he wants me to go with him.

 

I told him I would love to. So we made a plan.

 

I am giddy with excitement and nervous. I call my mother this morning to tell her about it. She is less than enthused. She starts making judgement at him. Saying that why did he have to contact me so late to make this plan. We were texting. If I was asleep then I would have responded in the morning. I don't know why this seemed to bother my mother so much. She was annoyed that he asked me so late. Then she gets into the whole thing about why he hasn't seen me all week long. He slept over Sunday into Monday. Tuesday we had dinner plans, but he cancelled because he was extremely tired, which I knew he was. Wednesday night, last night, he said he would have come over right after his shift ending at 9pm, but he had work at 6:30am, and he didn't think it was a good night for it. I agreed. My mother then was criticizing, why he was awake at 11pm if that was the case. I told her I don't know. I told her that he didn't feel like driving all the way to my house, staying for a short bit, to drive all the way home. I understood. He asked me to come to him, and I said no, because it was late and I didn't want to drive the 30-40 mins there.

 

My mother was saying how she hopes he's nice and isn't using me. I immediately felt stupid. Like maybe he is and I am just blinded by it. My mother overall just made me feel so badly. I was so happy and excited that he invited me to a fancy event with work people and I was excited to tell her, and she had nothing good or positive to say. It made me so mad and upset.

I just need to vent a moment about my mother, because she sometimes drives me crazy about the guy thing. Sometimes I think she is way too expectant and judgmental of these men I meet and go out with, which in turn makes me that way too.

Of course she is. She's your mother. You two may be best friends of sorts, but her first role is and always will be your mother. She's going to be unashamedly biased in your favor (or what she, as your mother, perceives to be your favor). That's as it should be.

 

Venting to parent(s) about someone you're dating is only ever a decent idea when both you and the person you're dating don't give a **** what your parent(s) think of him. Needless to say, 99.99% of the time, it's a terrible idea. It sucks, but part of being an adult is establishing proper boundaries. That certainly includes boundaries between your relationship with your mother and your romantic life. As you're seeing, it's making you needlessly anxious. It's also not too fair to him, is it? Essentially stacking the odds against him should things get to the point of him meeting and establishing a positive rapport with her. I mean I guess you get to wear a "I talk to my mom about anything" badge, but other than that, no one really wins.

 

It's good to be able to talk to our parents about anything. I can likewise talk to my mother about anything. Doesn't mean I necessarily should.

I feel myself investing little by little and I don't want to for not a sure thing.

 

Newsflash: There's no such thing as a sure thing unless you date a robot.

He said that he would like for me to go and then stay over at his house with him since it will be late at night tomorrow, and we will most likely drink. He said he doesn't feel good letting me drive all the way home after that for safety reasons.

 

We did already have the one sleepover at my house. I told him I would stay over tomorrow. I don't plan on having sex with him. I am not ready for that yet. He seems to respect me, by not being all over me.

 

So I tell my mother that he is taking me to the party tomorrow night at his boss' house. But don't tell her I am staying over his house after.

 

She immediately starts saying how I need to be careful and don't drink too much because I have to drive myself home, and how I shouldn't be staying with him at all, even just for sleeping because that gives him the wrong impression.

 

Now I feel bad. I don't know if I should stay with him or not. Maybe I am giving the wrong impression. She kept going on and on about how we aren't in a relationship and I will be leading him to think I am just okay with cuddling and maybe sex if I stay with him now, before we are anything serious. She is making me second guess everything, but maybe she is right.

 

What do you all think about this? To sleep next to and cuddle up with someone you are dating?

 

Like I said, I am not planning on having sex with him. I don't think I have led him to believe I would in any way. I have been flirtatious. I have said cute things about kissing more. But that kissing. Not touching, naked, body parts stuff. And I have no problem saying "No" to him. But maybe my mom is right. Maybe I shouldn't even get into that position with him where I might lead him to believe something.

 

Ugh I'm so confused and unsure what to do. Help!!!

I think this may be contributing to the problem:

My mother is a big part of my life. She and I are best friends. We talk a lot.

 

I just need to vent a moment about my mother, because she sometimes drives me crazy about the guy thing. Sometimes I think she is way too expectant and judgmental of these men I meet and go out with, which in turn makes me that way too.

 

With the examples you cite, I get the feeling that she's subtly and not-so-subtly sabotaging your relationships. Sure, she's your mother an' all that, but she's getting far too involved in what you should or shouldn't be doing. And what they should or should not be doing. There can be a fine line between 'caring' and 'control' and it looks as though she crosses it on a regular basis. Of course, if you found a loving relationship with a guy then she would lose control of you - at least to some extent - so persuading you that you're being badly treated (when you aren't!) or that you should be very wary of any activity which might actually get you close to someone else, will ensure she doesn't have to let go.

 

As I said before, it's NONE of her business. Allowing her to run your life like this - to satisfy her own needs, not yours - will ensure that you repeatedly run through this cycle of overthinking, anxiety and worrying about how your guy perceives you.

 

Your confidence in these things is already shaky, and she's feeding into your insecurities like nothing on earth. Stop sharing quite so much with her. If you've already established that you'll be sleeping over but no sex because you're not ready for that, and he's respecting that - the message you'll be giving him is that you want to be close to him, but not ready for sex yet. What's wrong with that? Except that your mother will start having to accept that you're a person in your own right, and not an extension of herself.

 

Do have a look at this link, which you may find helpful:

Haha don't know why, but when I was reading the posts it gave me this Carrie vibe and dynamic.

Don't let your mum have so much say over your life, and stop telling her everything.

Haha don't know why, but when I was reading the posts it gave me this Carrie vibe and dynamic.

Don't let your mum have so much say over your life, and stop telling her everything.

 

Unfortunately, I know what you mean!

Yeah I know what you are saying. I feel bad, because to her, I think she thinks she is just helping. Which is great. I am always going to want and need her help. But she doesn't realize that I only need it when I ask for it. She isn't too good with swallowing that sometimes. She and I are very similar. I feel bad. Even yesterday, she and I were talking on the phone. I was telling her how this new guy is taking me to that nice party. I started talking about what to wear and not being sure. She started almost putting too much of her opinion in. At one point, I just said "Alright, I got to run, bye." because I knew I was getting frustrated and annoyed by her and I didn't want it to get out of hand. I think she doesn't want me making any mistakes, so she's controlling almost trying to lead me in a good direction. And not that she's wrong all the time, she isn't, but I think she kept such a tight leash on me and didn’t let me see or do things for myself, that I am so paranoid with perfection, how people view me, and struggle with anxiety. I’ve tried to bring this up to her in the past, but she denies it and gets mad that I even try to blame her. She tells me my anxiety is all my fault and nothing to do with her. I’ve stopped even trying to bring it up. She just gets upset.

 

This new boy and I are doing well. Or at least I think we are. We were supposed to go to that party he was going to bring me to at his boss’ house tonight, but he said he messed it up and its tomorrow, so we are going tomorrow. I asked if he wanted to still do something tonight, Friday. He said yes. So he is coming over, we are cooking dinner together and going to just hangout together. I told him I am going on vacation all next week, so I will be away with my family and he won’t be able to see me, so he wanted to see me tonight and tomorrow before I leave. I think that’s nice. I mean I asked if we were still hanging out tonight. I sort of initiated it, but he could have said no and he didn’t. he’s also driving out to see me, which is the gentlemanly thing to do. I’m excited. I hope we have fun and we continue getting closer as time goes on.

Stop worrying, and enjoy yourself!

 

Until you can make a break from needing your mother's so-called help, you are going to continue feeling full of anxiety. She's not going to change - the onus is on you to make that break, and this is where therapy can help enormously.