Love my boyfriend but I don't want sex anymore. Normal or do I move on?

I am 33. He's 34. No kids. Dating 5.5 years. We live together. First 3 years together were the best of my life. Incredible sex all the time. Amazing connection. Became best friends. A lot of kissing, cuddling, etc. Basically spent every moment we could together.

These last 2 years have been tough for me. Strange to say tough because he is still amazing. He is kind, loving, loyal, caring, funny, etc. He carries all these qualities, yet I lost my lust for him. I feel confused and stuck.

I don't like kissing him anymore. I can't stand the thought of sex with him. I've even been sleeping on the couch for the last 6 months just because I want my space. I wish I could want sex with him. I wish to want to be with him. I don't understand why I am not into him like that anymore.

I still have a very strong sexual appetite. I touch myself almost daily and orgasm so good, yet I don't want anything physical with my bf. I want what we used to have together. I know it's unrealistic to expect the honeymoon phase to last forever, but I will be happy if I can even get half of our lust back.

He always wants affection or sex with me. Always tells me he loves me. He always tries to kiss me. I love him yet I cringe when I kiss him or when he touches me.

What is wrong with me?!

I have the perfect guy who will care for me for the rest of my life yet I hate the touch of him. Why?!

To add to my complications:

The last 5 months or so, I find myself flirting with other men online. They are in other cities and I don't meet up with them, but I flirt & enjoy the seduction. I fantasize about them. And when I manage to force myself to have sex with my boyfriend, I think of another man in order to get me through it.

I thought that maybe I finally found the trick! All I needed to do was just think of someone else and I can be physical with my boyfriend again. I was happy to think "finally a way to keep him physically satisfied and I don't have to walk away from a beautiful person who is so good to me."

Well...The trick is not enough. Doesn't work anymore. I am now to the point of zero physical connection with my bf. I have told him honestly that I love him but something is wrong with me & I lost my want of anything physical. He is patient and wants to work through it & figure out how to fix us. (Like I said - he's pretty amazing). He is under the impression that maybe something is wrong with me medically that makes me lose my sexual desire. But I am horny for other men all the time. I dont have the heart to tell him that. He thinks I just lost all lust completely. But I havent. I only lost it towards him. This cant be normal for a relationship. Is it?

How do I want him again? Or have I grown apart? Is he not for me anymore? Is this normal for long-term relationships? Or is this a sign that I need to move on?

Please help.

You know you're emotionally cheating on your bf right?

You don't seem to be in love with him anymore. Please spare him the agony and end it. It's not fair on him and he deserves someone who is loyal and all in.

IMO I think you need to STOP playing with yourself and making yourself orgasm. I was in the EXACT situation as you. I stopped doing that because I got on medication and couldn't at first. Then a few months we did not have sex. All of a sudden one night he gave me a back massage and we watched porn and I was able to orgasm despite taking lexapro and I have wanted sex with him ever since after a year of no contact. Sexual contact I mean.

You know you're emotionally cheating on your bf right?

You don't seem to be in love with him anymore. Please spare him the agony and end it. It's not fair on him and he deserves someone who is loyal and all in.

Thank you for your direct honesty. I agree that I feel this has led me to emotional cheating. I can't do this to him. He deserves the best. I wish I knew how to give him the best of me. It hurts to even think of walking away from someone I love. But you are right. I am putting him in agony. He does not deserve it. Not my intention. Thanks for offering your perspective. I honestly appreciate it. As much as it pains me.

Thank you for your advice. I think intimacy is so important in a relationship. We've lost it for two years, I don't know how to get back. I am curious - what's your opinion on relationship sex counselling? Have you or has anyone you know tried it before? I am curious from other experiences if it has worked. I want a last resort before giving up on our love.

If you want to give it a real shot you need to be honest with him. Have you talked about new things you can try? Have you explored kink together? How openly can you talk about sex?

Has anything happened between you two or has he done anything that has made you lose respect for him? Something has changed your view of him.

If you want to give it a real shot you need to be honest with him. Have you talked about new things you can try? Have you explored kink together? How openly can you talk about sex?

Hi rosephase. I have been open to him about most of my issues but not as much as I could be.

I tell him every day that I love him but that I don't know why my sexual desires are gone for him. However, I hide the fact that I still get aroused when thinking of others. He thinks my lust is gone completely. So you are right. I have more to be honest with him.

We have talked openly and tried out our ideas like, watching adult movies together more, playing with toys, sexy dress up, role play, we've even gone to a swingers club and watched other people have sex around us. Which kind of was a turn on for both of us, but then I cried to him a couple weeks after that and said, If I need others having sex around us to turn me-on to my own boyfriend, something is not right.

I told him I still need to fix me because I dont even want his kisses. Yet in my mind and in my heart, I wish to have what we used to have. I honestly don't know what else to try.

Hi rosephase. I have been open to him about most of my issues but not as much as I could be.

 

I tell him every day that I love him but that I don't know why my sexual desires are gone for him. However, I hide the fact that I still get aroused when thinking of others. He thinks my lust is gone completely. So you are right. I have more to be honest with him.

 

We have talked openly and tried out our ideas like, watching adult movies together more, playing with toys, sexy dress up, role play, we've even gone to a swingers club and watched other people have sex around us. Which kind of was a turn on for both of us, but then I cried to him a couple weeks after that and said, If I need others having sex around us to turn me-on to my own boyfriend, something is not right.

 

I told him I still need to fix me because I dont even want his kisses. Yet in my mind and in my heart, I wish to have what we used to have. I honestly don't know what else to try.

Well fair enough you are trying a lot of things.

So here is the deal: You will never have what you had. You can *maybe* build something new. But it will never be the same attraction.

The only suggestion I have is to lay it all on the table. The fact that you are still into other people. The fact that you were using them to get off with him. All of it. OR... leave.

I'll worn you that it will probably happen again. No one can keep all the sexy and all the comfort. But you can try.

Let him go. What you're doing, tying him up for celibacy, is unfair and wrong.

It seems like you want to have your cake and eat it.

It sounds like your boyfriend is a bit soft too. He's a "nice guy" which is great for you because it's like having a gay best friend around all the time. But no wonder you don't want to have sex with him. If he is one of these "equality" kind of men, I'm not surprised your sexuality is repelled by him.

You have a healthy sex drive but you are manipulating your energy into masturbation and online cheating. It is forming a crease in your life fabric and you need to iron it out.

The bad news is that you can't make your man be more of a man. He has to Get It or not. He must Be that guy that you are turned on by. If you have to tell him, it defeats the purpose and kills the attraction.

I recommend that you end your relationship with your boyfriend and find something more exciting.

However, these men that you flirt with are probably coming to you from the same position. You may not find anything meaningful with them. Sure you'll be used for some hot sex, but you won't be able to get the same emotional connection as you do with your current male.

If you want to rescue your relationship, stop with the online stuff. Stop masturbating. Stop allowing your boyfriend to do housework, etc. Encourage traditional sex roles. You do the housework, while he gets his hands dirty with manly stuff.

Shame him if he goes on with the equality stuff. Do what your female ancestors did for tens of thousands of years. It worked for them - why do we suddenly think we know better than that magnitude of experience?

Tell him you think he's soft and he doesn't make you wet any more. Provoke him into reclaiming his masculinity.

Give yourself a last chance. Consult with a relationship sex counselor and get advice.

I too feel that you should be more loyal to him. I understood you love him and you want things to be normal for that you should work hard.

Hope you could make a good decision!!

OP.

See a sexologist (this is a psychologist - and often a doctor - who specialises in aspects of sex and sexology).

Just ensure you find a properly qualified professional.

OP.

 

See a sexologist (this is a psychologist - and often a doctor - who specialises in aspects of sex and sexology).

 

Just ensure you find a properly qualified professional.

i agree this deserves one more chance. i don't think you're cheating in the least. He is an adult, he knows that you are not being intimate with him anymore and yet you are sticking around. I would have a different response if you loved being sexual/physical with him but had developed some issue with intercourse but i actually think it's more concerning that you don't desire to kiss/touch him - often women might not want actual intercourse because of some medical and/or psychological issue yet still desire their partner and want to please him/be pleased in other ways. I do wonder if he's too much of a yes man and that personality/behavior wore down your sexual attraction for him. One clue is that he continues to come on to you despite you literally wanting space from him - why is he demeaning himself that way? Why would he try again after experiencing you "cringing"?

Well fair enough you are trying a lot of things.

 

So here is the deal: You will never have what you had. You can *maybe* build something new. But it will never be the same attraction.

 

The only suggestion I have is to lay it all on the table. The fact that you are still into other people. The fact that you were using them to get off with him. All of it. OR... leave.

 

I'll worn you that it will probably happen again. No one can keep all the sexy and all the comfort. But you can try.

Thank you for your advice. I hear every word. Really appreciate it.

Let him go. What you're doing, tying him up for celibacy, is unfair and wrong.

Thank you for your directness. I wondered same. Hearing it from an outside perspective is a wake-up call for me.

It seems like you want to have your cake and eat it.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend is a bit soft too. He's a "nice guy" which is great for you because it's like having a gay best friend around all the time. But no wonder you don't want to have sex with him. If he is one of these "equality" kind of men, I'm not surprised your sexuality is repelled by him.

 

You have a healthy sex drive but you are manipulating your energy into masturbation and online cheating. It is forming a crease in your life fabric and you need to iron it out.

 

The bad news is that you can't make your man be more of a man. He has to Get It or not. He must Be that guy that you are turned on by. If you have to tell him, it defeats the purpose and kills the attraction.

 

I recommend that you end your relationship with your boyfriend and find something more exciting.

 

However, these men that you flirt with are probably coming to you from the same position. You may not find anything meaningful with them. Sure you'll be used for some hot sex, but you won't be able to get the same emotional connection as you do with your current male.

 

If you want to rescue your relationship, stop with the online stuff. Stop masturbating. Stop allowing your boyfriend to do housework, etc. Encourage traditional sex roles. You do the housework, while he gets his hands dirty with manly stuff.

 

Shame him if he goes on with the equality stuff. Do what your female ancestors did for tens of thousands of years. It worked for them - why do we suddenly think we know better than that magnitude of experience?

 

Tell him you think he's soft and he doesn't make you wet any more. Provoke him into reclaiming his masculinity.

Very interesting.

To be brutally honest, I have felt unattractive feelings towards his lack of manliness (if that makes sense). He is too needy to his parents which often bothers me and makes him appear "too soft" or boyish even.

Examples:

▪If a closet door handle is loose, he calls his dad to fix it. (I would have used the screwdriver myself).

▪We decided to rearrange furniture, he called his dad to move the dressers the next day. I get annoyed when he asks people for favours when we are perfectly capable of doing it ourselves. So I moved it myself while he slept, to prove a point.

▪I was 2-weeks past my oil change, he told his parents and they lectured me on how unsafe I was being.

▪I was grocery shopping and contemplating on trying new cooking oil, he called his mom to tell me what I should be using.

▪his parents have keys to our home. When we go away, they go through our home. They called us on our vacation to lecture about the plant that I bought, it was apparently not safe for the air we breathe because of some random article they read online once. So they removed it.

▪I bought us a trip to Mexico because I was tired of our typical Florida vacations and he wanted me to cancel it after his parents lectured us on how dangerous Mexico is. (It was Cancun & I've been many times. Not dangerous at all in my opinion).

I love his parents and respect their lectures. It's actually sweet that they care so much. We are blessed in that sense. They are well intended, whether I agree with them or not. They are my in-laws. I always quietly listen to everything they have to say. I say thanks and make my own decision as an adult. I love that he respects them too. Very important.

However, he is too easily influenced by their daily micro-managing. It always bothered me. Makes him appear boyish. He micro-manages me the same way his mom does to us. Again, I know he means well, but I always tell him to stop.

I don't turn to my parents for every bit of minor help. They taught me to make my own decisions and move on. I have always been very independent. His parents micromanage every day of our lives. Right down to the colour of paint we choose.

Maybe because I grew up with 4 brothers but my boyfriend is a single child. Perhaps thats why I get annoyed by his constant turn to parents when he makes decisions.

Seems minor to many people I bet, but this is a regular occurrence and it changes my view of him as a strong man.

Maybe that has altered my physical attraction to him overtime.

I will take your advice or I will quickly move on. Cannot waste his or my time. Thank you so much for your perspective. Means a lot.

It seems like you want to have your cake and eat it.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend is a bit soft too. He's a "nice guy" which is great for you because it's like having a gay best friend around all the time. But no wonder you don't want to have sex with him. If he is one of these "equality" kind of men, I'm not surprised your sexuality is repelled by him.

 

You have a healthy sex drive but you are manipulating your energy into masturbation and online cheating. It is forming a crease in your life fabric and you need to iron it out.

 

The bad news is that you can't make your man be more of a man. He has to Get It or not. He must Be that guy that you are turned on by. If you have to tell him, it defeats the purpose and kills the attraction.

 

I recommend that you end your relationship with your boyfriend and find something more exciting.

 

However, these men that you flirt with are probably coming to you from the same position. You may not find anything meaningful with them. Sure you'll be used for some hot sex, but you won't be able to get the same emotional connection as you do with your current male.

 

If you want to rescue your relationship, stop with the online stuff. Stop masturbating. Stop allowing your boyfriend to do housework, etc. Encourage traditional sex roles. You do the housework, while he gets his hands dirty with manly stuff.

 

Shame him if he goes on with the equality stuff. Do what your female ancestors did for tens of thousands of years. It worked for them - why do we suddenly think we know better than that magnitude of experience?

 

Tell him you think he's soft and he doesn't make you wet any more. Provoke him into reclaiming his masculinity.