This wedding is tearing my family apart

My sister is getting married to her boyfriend of 2 years, and it's been tearing everyone apart. Honestly, I'm not even sure where to begin on this one...

She's never had any normal relationships before this one. Her previous boyfriend was a professor she had an on/off relationship with for five years which started while she was his student. He got fired for sleeping with a different student while they were dating. So my family was overall relieved when she settled down, and we were also very predisposed to liking her boyfriend. He seemed steady and well meaning at first, but there have been several incidents that have upset my parents. Besides the fact that he is over a decade older than her and a self-employed salesman making near minimum wage (for reference, my sister works in corporate and pulls mid-six figures), he seems like he might have some alcohol abuse issues, something that came up when he drove my parents home drunk from a dinner party and crashed the car. He had said that he hadn't been drinking much and they took him at his word. He has gotten into shouting matches with my mom over the wedding and how my parents have been hurting my sister's feelings (my sister wants help paying for the wedding, but throws a fit every time my parents make requests or propose a cheaper wedding alternative). My parents can be a bit much, but she has gone out of her way to defend everything he does.

She has also turned into a bridezilla. I'm way younger than her and don't make a lot of money, but she booked the wedding for a five star resort in another country and when I told her I couldn't afford spending 3 grand on a four night stay and said I would be come to the wedding but stay somewhere cheaper, she started yelling about how if she doesn't get everyone to stay in one place she won't get a free stay from the hotel and it'll ruin everything. Her fiance calmed her down, but when I told her how much I make she got upset again, and offered to cut a deal with the hotel so my stay would be free. She makes 5 times the amount of money anyone in our family does, but she's turning her wedding into a pyramid scheme so that she doesn't have to pay anything for it. Meanwhile she is saddling everyone with a few thousand dollar expense each just to attend! She insisted on throwing her wedding during peak travel time too so that some of her fiance's family member could attend. Even worse, my mom needs some minor surgery done and said she will have to put it off until they can save up after the wedding. They are very traditional and insist on paying for at least part of it.

This whole thing is driving me crazy. My sister also burdened me with some secret background about her fiance (he has a secret kid he refuses to acknowledge or care for despite the mother being completely unfit) that would absolutely destroy any hope of my parents accepting him if they found out. I refuse to tell them because it's not their business but it has absolutely soured my own view of him. Before, I thought he was just a very unattractive overweight man with alcohol abuse issues. Now I think he's a terrible person. Of course, I could never tell my sister what I really think about him without ruining our relationship or her thinking I had taken my parents' side.

I feel so stressed out about this. I talked with my brother, and he doesn't even want to go to the wedding anymore (he's also broke and thinks her fiance is horrible). I honestly feel like I should bow out and I am kind of resentful she burdened me with all this knowledge about her fiance while expecting me to still like him. I support her, but it hurts to see her marrying this awful guy. I understand that men don't have control over women keeping children in unwanted pregancies, but she's told me herself how crazy the mom is, and how "ed" that kid is going to be. It feels like one of those horrible situations where you either step up and do the right thing, or ignore it. I know he's fighting child support in court and refuses to even see the kid. I feel like I would be more sympathetic to him if he had any sort of redeeming quality to begin with, but leaving the kid to be raised by your admittedly insane ex while you are essentially a stay-at-home kid-free husband just seems low.

Sorry, this whole thing is a giant rant. I just don't know what to do anymore. There's no one I can talk to because of the whole giant secret thing, and my parents just seem trapped. My sister has a history of manipulating them financially. They acknowledge that this is just one more of her schemes, but they love her too much to not help her with her wedding. I love her too but she is stressing me out!

Wow what a sad and crazy story. I'm sorry you are in this mess, and it is indeed a mess. How old are your sister and the guy?

It is not your job or responsibility to tell you parents about the child, please dont do that. One day your folks will find out and it shouldn't come from you.

If you dont go to the destination wedding, I imagine your life would be hell afterwards as your sister would be furious with you. If you can manage a cheaper hotel and you want to go, then you should do that. Same with your brother. Perhaps you can share a room with him?

Bridezillas have no idea how crazy and demanding and infuriating they are, and your sister is no different. I wish I had some good advice but I dont. Feel free to rant some more if it helps.

He has gotten into shouting matches with my mom over the wedding and how my parents have been hurting my sister's feelings (my sister wants help paying for the wedding, but throws a fit every time my parents make requests or propose a cheaper wedding alternative).

Ok, your parents are not under any obligation to pay for their children's wedding. She should of never asked for money. Or at this point, turn down their offer. It's time to put on her big girl panties and handle the wedding cost. She has a six figure salary and there is NO reason she cannot afford it.

Also, her fiancé is being a little sh**. You don't ever yell at your inlaws, especially over them planning to give money towards the wedding. Your sister needs to handle her parents and he butts out.

This one is on your sister. I don't blame the parents for disliking her fiancé one bit after that stunt.

she booked the wedding for a five star resort in another country and when I told her I couldn't afford spending 3 grand on a four night stay and said I would be come to the wedding but stay somewhere cheaper, she started yelling about how if she doesn't get everyone to stay in one place she won't get a free stay from the hotel and it'll ruin everything.

That's too bad. She chose to have a destination wedding and expects people to give up their convience and expenses for her? I don't think so.

That's the problem with destination weddings- you will have a smaller guest attendance because not everyone can afford the travel/ hotel accommodations and taking the time off from work to go. That's fine if she choose to have it, but she's going to be very disappointed when people start declining invitations.

Hold your ground on this. If you have to, avoid talking to her if she continues to complain. Don't let her push you around or guilt trip you into it.

but when I told her how much I make she got upset again, and offered to cut a deal with the hotel so my stay would be free.

She doesn't need to know your salary. That's none of her business. It is YOUR money, YOUR decision on how you choose to spend it. Tough crap for her if she doesn't like it. That's what she gets for having a destination wedding.

She insisted on throwing her wedding during peak travel time too so that some of her fiance's family member could attend. Even worse, my mom needs some minor surgery done and said she will have to put it off until they can save up after the wedding. They are very traditional and insist on paying for at least part of it.

So she is accommodating her fiancé' family, but not her own? Your parents are enabling the behavior and need to start setting limits, even if it means refusing to give money. And the "tradition" is dead because many women are now the breadwinners.

This whole thing is driving me crazy. My sister also burdened me with some secret background about her fiance...

...

I support her, but it hurts to see her marrying this awful guy.

Ok... you need to stop talking to her about her fiancé and wedding planning. It's not doing you any favors but winding you up. What she chooses to do with her wedding is not your problem. By the end of the day, your sister is an adult and she chooses to lay in the bed she makes whether her family approves it or not. You can hate this guy all you like, but it obviously isn't going to stop your sister from marrying him.

My advice? Stay completely out of the drama, any wedding planning, and stick to your guns (especially over the destination wedding). Don't allow her to share any secrets about her future husband... be upfront about how you don't want her to air her dirty laundry because their relationship problems are none of your business. And leave it at that. Don't tell her that you don't like her fiancé because it will backfire on you (let her figure that out on her own). Especially don't tell anybody about the relationship issues she shared with you so that you aren't instigating drama between the family.

You shouldof kept your mouth shut around your brother because now HE could slip... and he will if he has to explain to you all's sister and family as to why he's not showing up at the wedding.

My sister is 28 and her fiance is in his early forties. Just to be clear, I would never tell anyone anything about the secret kid and have told no one, not even my brother. He doesnt want to go to wedding for his own reasons. Thats why I felt driven to post on an anonymous forum. Its like she handed me this giant secret in the midst of all this drama and I have no way to process everything. Thanks for listening to my rant