At a fork in my life and feel very lost.

Hello, if you are reading this. Thank you. If you have any advice or thoughts I'd really appreciate to hear your opinion and advice. I have been working with a company for 4 years now. I've come to realize how much I hate working here and have been thinking about moving away. I spoke with my manager and asked for a transfer. She came across very nice and genuinely wanted to help me. Recently something happened at work and it made me feel as if they are actually wanting to push me out because I requested for a transfer. I don't have proof but they are making my work life miserable. Afraid that I'll lose my job in retaliation I reached out to my cousin. She is offering for me to move in with her in California. I could live with her rent free until I find a better job. This is something that I'm really considering. I currently live on the East coast with my boyfriend of 3 years. If I move in with her I will have to separate from him for a time. I have started to realize I have a very big attachment to him. Before I'd lie to myself and tell myself that I don't need him around and that I can be alone and be fine if we ever break up. I've been hurt badly in the past and have built up a pretty big wall. But now the thought of moving away from him hurts. I realize how much I love him and it's hurting just thinking we'll be apart. We did long distance before. When we first started dating we were long distant. And we are super happy together. Now being apart gives me all these feelings of anxiety and worry. He says that we will be fine and that I need to do what I feel is best for me. But I'm very scared of this change. All these fears and vulnerability is starting to surface. I'm already 30 yrs old and this kind of change is very scary. I don't know if I should be doing something so drastic. I keep hoping that everything will pass at work and I may not lose my job. But I have this nagging feeling that the worst is coming.

Why can't you find a new job where you live? What you're talking about is very long distance and plane flights get expensive fast.

Can he move to California too? Why dont you get a job where you currently live? Even a lesser job than you have now so that you can get out of the company you work for.

Why can't you find a new job where you live? What you're talking about is very long distance and plane flights get expensive fast.

Thank you for your response! A part of me want to venture out to California. I'm about 60 percent wanting to go. Another part of me is very afraid to go. I'm just really torn. The reason for me wanting to stay is him. And I'm afraid of making the wrong choice.

Can he move to California too? Why dont you get a job where you currently live? Even a lesser job than you have now so that you can get out of the company you work for.

Thank you for responding! He wouldn't be able to stay with my cousin. She's only allowing just me. I've been putting in a lot of applications. I am fearful that they're going to push me out before I can find a new place. Also a part of me want to leave the area where I'm at. He's the big reason for me wanting to stay around.

Thank you for your response! A part of me want to venture out to California. I'm about 60 percent wanting to go. Another part of me is very afraid to go. I'm just really torn. The reason for me wanting to stay is him. And I'm afraid of making the wrong choice.

If you're so enamored of California -more than your boyfriend and the life you have with him -then definitely go. Remember that you take yourself wherever you go -the place doesn't change you (Look up some of Alain De Boton's writings on this) - How much time have you spent in California and is it the same part where your cousin is? Do you have a professional network out there? I relocated 800 miles away in my early 40s from the major city I'd lived in for 43 years. I had to rebuild my professional network and it is not easy. I'm not done yet but I did get the job I wanted once I was in a position to look for one (my job once I moved was full time mom, for several years). Please don't discount that and consider how much you can depend on your cousin to help you establish yourself

Definitely if your boyfriend is not "the one" then go. Sounds like something you've wanted for a long time.

If you're so enamored of California -more than your boyfriend and the life you have with him -then definitely go. Remember that you take yourself wherever you go -the place doesn't change you (Look up some of Alain De Boton's writings on this) - How much time have you spent in California and is it the same part where your cousin is? Do you have a professional network out there? I relocated 800 miles away in my early 40s from the major city I'd lived in for 43 years. I had to rebuild my professional network and it is not easy. I'm not done yet but I did get the job I wanted once I was in a position to look for one (my job once I moved was full time mom, for several years). Please don't discount that and consider how much you can depend on your cousin to help you establish yourself

 

Definitely if your boyfriend is not "the one" then go. Sounds like something you've wanted for a long time.

I definitely feel that my boyfriend is "the one" but we are both at that stage in our life where we're building on our careers separately. He has advised me to do what I feel is best and once I'm established he'll follow me. I have a fear of leaving something I'm so used to. I've stayed in my hometown and I've never moved. I've visited California several times before and have enjoyed it. My cousin has informed me that she has a job lined up for me already. It's not a career job but it'll be something until I find something more suitable. I have this fear of going and having it ruin my relationship and these feelings are causing me to have a hard time deciding. But as I talk through this I see that I'm really already leaning a lot towards California.

I definitely feel that my boyfriend is "the one" but we are both at that stage in our life where we're building on our careers separately. He has advised me to do what I feel is best and once I'm established he'll follow me. I have a fear of leaving something I'm so used to. I've stayed in my hometown and I've never moved. I've visited California several times before and have enjoyed it. My cousin has informed me that she has a job lined up for me already. It's not a career job but it'll be something until I find something more suitable. I have this fear of going and having it ruin my relationship and these feelings are causing me to have a hard time deciding. But as I talk through this I see that I'm really already leaning a lot towards California.

If you feel he is the one then moving across the country unless you have the $ and time to see each other regularly is not consistent with acting as if he is the one. It is consistent with prioritizing your desire to be in California and work on a career there, which of course is fine. That is great news that he says he will follow you and shows how committed he is to you. Is he allowed to date other women after you move and will you date other men? I know it's hard to prioritize -when I applied to grad school I'd been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months seriously. I was thinking of applying to one school outside our state and he said he of course couldn't ask me to stay but hoped I would. Staying made a lot more sense for me and my future career so I stayed.

When my now husband and I reconnected after several years apart (we dated back then) I knew from the first date that I'd have to be flexible geographically for his career. Or not date him at all. I felt very positive that this time we'd make it to the altar so I told him the few geographic boundaries I had, which he was fine with, and took the plunge. I had never left my hometown either but grew up in a major city. If your boyfriend is willing to follow you and you're willing to be supportive during his relocation/transition (since he has no cousin there or a job lined up there) this can work beautifully but to be fair I'd consider whether you two take a break and go your separate ways until you are established and ready to commit to him more permanently.

If you feel he is the one then moving across the country unless you have the $ and time to see each other regularly is not consistent with acting as if he is the one. It is consistent with prioritizing your desire to be in California and work on a career there, which of course is fine. That is great news that he says he will follow you and shows how committed he is to you. Is he allowed to date other women after you move and will you date other men? I know it's hard to prioritize -when I applied to grad school I'd been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months seriously. I was thinking of applying to one school outside our state and he said he of course couldn't ask me to stay but hoped I would. Staying made a lot more sense for me and my future career so I stayed.

 

When my now husband and I reconnected after several years apart (we dated back then) I knew from the first date that I'd have to be flexible geographically for his career. Or not date him at all. I felt very positive that this time we'd make it to the altar so I told him the few geographic boundaries I had, which he was fine with, and took the plunge. I had never left my hometown either but grew up in a major city. If your boyfriend is willing to follow you and you're willing to be supportive during his relocation/transition (since he has no cousin there or a job lined up there) this can work beautifully but to be fair I'd consider whether you two take a break and go your separate ways until you are established and ready to commit to him more permanently.

Thank you for your insight. I have a lot to think about and this will assist me in coming to a decision.

Thank you for your insight. I have a lot to think about and this will assist me in coming to a decision.

Very kind of you to say and I am glad I could be of some help. It's a hard decision, I know.