Growing up as a girl; sex and relationships

I've been dating since April. All this time I've been figuring out things about me. It's a wonderful, eye opening experience and I'm loving it!

I decided to start this thread, maybe for just this one thing I noticed, maybe more, time will tell. You can add your own as well!

The other day I was talking to a friend about "first times" and how to raise a girl nowadays. She is very conservative, I might add. Anyways, as I was going on and on about how there is no harm in dating a lot of men I realised why a lot of us get attached very fast when we meet guys; well at least this can apply to me and some of the women I know. Also, why men so not get attached as fast.

My mother (and the society I grew up in) built it up too much for me. When I was a teenager, you were "allowed" to have sex if you were over 16 and in a relationship for at least 1 year and you HAD to be in love. On the other hand, boys could have sex freely, no judgement. I believe this is why I used to get attached very fast the moment I felt lust for a guy.

I know that you have other experiences, I am fully aware that the society I grew up in is decades behind in thins like this, but I'm curious to know if this applies to any of you.

Was sex built up to something sacred when you were teenagers?

I grew up horrified of sex because I was sexually assaulted as a kid. I liked guys but wanted no part of sex. I was also raised that sex was for married people, not for teenagers. I did not start having consensual sex until I was 23 years old . But I wouldn't say it was built up in my head as sacred.

I also teach my son sex is for married people . Not for casual hook ups ,not for teenage boyfriends and girlfriends etc. I just had a 16-year-old niece who had a baby last week yeah not something want my son doing .

I grew up horrified of sex because I was sexually assaulted as a kid. I liked guys but wanted no part of sex. I was also raised that sex was for married people, not for teenagers. I did not start having consensual sex until I was 23 years old . But I wouldn't say it was built up in my head as sacred.

 

I also teach my son sex is for married people . Not for casual hook ups ,not for teenage boyfriends and girlfriends etc. I just had a 16-year-old niece who had a baby last week yeah not something want my son doing .

I'm so sorry about what you experienced.

Yes, the "rule" I stated was the one among teenagers, not the parents. Parents were all about waiting for marriage. And by sacred, I mean exactly that, maybe an overkill with the word,but waiting for marriage.

This made me treat sex as something special between two people etc etc. Not saying that it isn't, but this lead me to fall for all the wrong people because I thought that since the sex was happening, they must be special etc.

I'm not saying to teach children how to just have casual sex, but I think that maybe just teaching them sex is something very normal,very natural to have, we will avoid creating more easily over-attached women. (I'm focusing on women, just because I'm one and I do think we get more attached because of this.)

Teaching teenagers about sex, STDs, protection etc etc, I think, will bring down teen pregnancies too. I wish we had sex ed over here, then less people would think that they can get pregnant from a BJ.

But yeah, back to the main matter, I honestly think that putting sex on a pedestal as something that must happen only after marriage is one big reason us women get attached so much.

Cope. One thing has nothing to do with the other.

"but I think that maybe just teaching them sex is something very normal,very natural to have, we will avoid creating more easily over-attached women. "

Women become overly attached, too fast, too soon, too intensely because there is some attachment issue in their psychological makeup, usually due to infancy and childhood problems.

"Children grow up to become lovers who attach in the same ways they were attached to their parents. This is because our “attachment style” becomes part of our personality. In fact, most people aren’t aware of their own attachment style. Attachment theory centers on how the ways we relate to others are based on the communications and behaviors we exchange with our parents in the first years of life. These "messages" we receive about how to love are then combined with our own interactions with each parent to form an influential cognitive structure — a hard-wired piece of our personality."

From an article by Wendy Walsh

Attachment Theory

This Could Be Why Your Relationships End

If a person is not psychologically secure or has had a dysfunctional FOO, then fast attachment happens.

And there's this:

Could be why none of my sisters play into the sorta stereotype... we were all raised to be safe if we're going to do it, but that ultimately it's not worth the risk of getting pregnant or getting someone else pregnant when we were that young. While we definitely were discouraged from having sex, it was by no means in a punitive way or in a way we felt we'd be judged. Just sort of a, "Hey, that **** can be risky." Interesting enough, while my mother was raised very conservatively, she had me when she was 18, and, with her pretty open attitude she took on with us, she had to wait until one of her daughters turned 27 before she'd be a grandma.

I do think it's a positive step that we're decreasingly raising girls to apotheosize their sexuality, but I also think we're still lagging behind in not raising them to be more emotionally independent. As a result, we often have this present-day damning cliche of emotionally ill-equipped girls and women hitting the sexual arena.

Precisely JMan.

I also think we're still lagging behind in not raising them to be more emotionally independent. As a result, we often have this present-day damning cliche of emotionally ill-equipped women hitting the sexual arena.

Cope. One thing has nothing to do with the other.

 

"but I think that maybe just teaching them sex is something very normal,very natural to have, we will avoid creating more easily over-attached women. "

 

Women become overly attached, too fast, too soon, too intensely because there is some attachment issue in their psychological makeup, usually due to infancy and childhood problems.

 

"Children grow up to become lovers who attach in the same ways they were attached to their parents. This is because our “attachment style” becomes part of our personality. In fact, most people aren’t aware of their own attachment style. Attachment theory centers on how the ways we relate to others are based on the communications and behaviors we exchange with our parents in the first years of life. These "messages" we receive about how to love are then combined with our own interactions with each parent to form an influential cognitive structure — a hard-wired piece of our personality."

 

From an article by Wendy Walsh

Attachment Theory

This Could Be Why Your Relationships End

 

If a person is not psychologically secure or has had a dysfunctional FOO, then fast attachment happens.

 

And there's this:

 

 

 

 

I am sure that idolizing sex can affect the way you attach to people after you have it. That does not affect the attachment theory. It might just be another brick in the wall.

How do you mean idolizing sex, Cope?

I do not see the connection at all.

I can remember in my upbringing no one hammered on and on about sex. Far more importantly we (I) were brought up to be independent, practical, able to think clearly, good sense of self-worth, and be as astute as possible.

Certainly at the crazy Catholic convent boarding school where I was educated we used to hear (and laugh at) the daft stuff the old bats used to trot out about "sex" and how men if given an inch would take a yard. I smile even now remembering some of that stuff.

However, the home environment, sensible, kindly and pragmatic, cancelled out the crazier stuff we heard in that school.

You don't get unhealthily attached to someone just because you hear in your teenage years about sex being this or that way....

In my household growing up, no, there was not the double standard for men and women when it came to sex. Or much of anything really. I'm very grateful to my folks for that.

I was not taught I had to wait until marriage for sex. Actually I distinctly remember my mom having a talk with me at 14, asking if birth control was something I needed or wanted to go to the doctor for. What is so memorable to me about that convo was how she seemed kind of surprised when I told her I didn't need that, and if I did, I would let her know. I wasn't interested at that point. In fact, I did wait til I was out on my own and in love. Almost was a marriage, but we didn't, and I'm glad now. Though I did really love him and no regrets there.

Many of my friends growing up came from heavily religious households where there was an emphasis on virginity until marriage. All without exception married between 18-21. Half of those marriages dissolved after a couple of kids. And a lot of those friends of mine were much wilder and less cautious than myself. I strongly believe some of them got married in order to have sex. I'm not joking. One friend came out as gay in her 30s, she had married a man young and divorced him once years and many miles were between her and her folks. Homosexuality too was not 'allowed' , and she lost a lot of family .

I'm so sorry about what you experienced.

 

Yes, the "rule" I stated was the one among teenagers, not the parents. Parents were all about waiting for marriage. And by sacred, I mean exactly that, maybe an overkill with the word,but waiting for marriage.

This made me treat sex as something special between two people etc etc. Not saying that it isn't, but this lead me to fall for all the wrong people because I thought that since the sex was happening, they must be special etc.

 

I'm not saying to teach children how to just have casual sex, but I think that maybe just teaching them sex is something very normal,very natural to have, we will avoid creating more easily over-attached women. (I'm focusing on women, just because I'm one and I do think we get more attached because of this.)

Teaching teenagers about sex, STDs, protection etc etc, I think, will bring down teen pregnancies too. I wish we had sex ed over here, then less people would think that they can get pregnant from a BJ.

 

But yeah, back to the main matter, I honestly think that putting sex on a pedestal as something that must happen only after marriage is one big reason us women get attached so much.

Our kids are taught sex Ed and there are still teenage pregnancies etc unfortunately. One of the pitfalls of being a teenager is you think nothing will ever happen to you .

Absolutely sex is natural and wonderful . I just taught my son to respect himself and respect women . Respect himself enough not to give his body to just anybody . He is 19 and has never had sex . And he has no plans to until marriage if he ever gets married . Being autistic he's not overly fond of touch anyway .

ItsallGrand.

Absolutely!

"I strongly believe some of them got married in order to have sex. I'm not joking."

and

"Many of my friends growing up came from heavily religious households where there was an emphasis on virginity until marriage"

Heh. And these were all too often the wildest girls of all!

I was not raised religious I was just taught love and sex and marriage go together. Also my mom didn't want me further sexually victimized. She was horrified to have to let me out in the world.

My son is on the other hand raised in a religious household.

I don't believe in sex after marriage, and I don't see sex as a magical gift you bestow upon a man only once in your life. Although I am good at separating sex and emotions, I've always been someone who believed that sex should mean something, therefore have only ever had sex in relationships. I've dated a few guys for a few months and have had nothing happen. I just think it's better to take your time, as there's no rush. I have never found it an issue with any guy. It seems to me, most guys CAN wait and will wait if they like you enough.

I don't believe in sex after marriage, and I don't see sex as a magical gift you bestow upon a man only once in your life. Although I am good at separating sex and emotions, I've always been someone who believed that sex should mean something, therefore have only ever had sex in relationships. I've dated a few guys for a few months and have had nothing happen. I just think it's better to take your time, as there's no rush. I have never found it an issue with any guy. It seems to me, most guys CAN wait and will wait if they like you enough.

was that a typo or a stand up comic's opening line?

I valued sex as part of a committed relationship. Early on I was curious about casual sex but never had casual sex. Later I was no longer curious/interested. I wasn't brainwashed or anything but this was consistent with my parents' values too. My husband had similar values.

I had fairly decent sex ed in school. It was a bit horror focused. Lots of pictures of STIs and we had to watch a video of a live birth (that was scaring as f*ck). My parents didn't force the idea of sex being only after marriage. I was taught how to use birth control in school and I started having safer sex with my boyfriend when I was 16. I was sexually assaulted repeatedly as a young child and I thought sex was never going to sounds appealing. But when my hormones kicked in at about 15 I quickly changed my mind about how appealing sex sounded. My first boyfriend and I broke up when I went away to college and I had about three years of really exploratory sex with a bunch of different people. It was mostly casual sex. I learned a ton about what I liked, what I wanted and who I was attracted to. During that time I discovered that I was not monogamous, I joined a bdsm sex club, I was a stripper, I slept with one of my professors... just a lot of different exploring in a lot of different directions. Some of it was rough on me emotionally (stripping killed my sex drive and gave me some major trust issues around men). But I'm glad I've had all the experiences I've had. Even the things that hurt are a part of who I am today and I like who I am.

Now I don't really have casual sex. Although I'm not completely closed to the idea. I found that casual sex didn't work as well for me. Loving connected sex was just so much better (for me). I have three long term committed partners. I have a really satisfying sexual life with the freedom to explore and change. I feel very lucky. I'm still exploring sex, I hope I get to keep exploring sex until the day I die (or the day/s I lose interest... that happens at some point right?) it's been a delightful and challenging. It's helped me figure out who I am. It's helped me learn to love my body. My drives and desires are a big part of me and learning to look at them without judgment and how to explore them with respect towards my commitments has been a major part of growing into a person I respect.