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Was it rape?


crazybaby

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Hi there. I am married and have been with my husband for ten years. Never once cheated on him and never blamed to do it. I was out on Saturday with my friends and was really drunk but the time the club shut. I left my friends to go on my way and got chatting to this guy. I vaguely remember being in a taxi with him and then i was back at his house. I just remember crashing on his bed and then i remember bits with us having sex. I can't remember removing my clothes and i have a bruise on my wrist. I seem to remember participating at times but there was an occassion where i tried to push him away but he still continued. I have told my husband and i have we have went to the police. I can't get rid of the guilt as i feel that i was unfaithful to my husband. I explained to police and my husband that even when i was single i never went back to some random guys house. I feel this is my fault. My husband says if u are that drunk you were taken advantage of and that it is not in my nature to cheat. Any advice appreciated.

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Sorry to hear that happened to you. I am from the UK. The police are taking it very seriously. Just finding this difficult.

 

It is very difficult to process. I am glad you went to the police. Please remember the CRIMINAL is at fault. If you need help processing therapy is very helpful.

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I remember him trying to give me oral sex but i said no and he stopped that. But guess nothing to do with his pleasure. I feel disgusting. I am contacting rape crisis helpline tonight and going to get rape counselling. I just feel like a dirty cheat and keep blaming myself. Not sure whether or not to give a full statement to the police at the moment.

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I remember him trying to give me oral sex but i said no and he stopped that. But guess nothing to do with his pleasure. I feel disgusting. I am contacting rape crisis helpline tonight and going to get rape counselling. I just feel like a dirty cheat and keep blaming myself. Not sure whether or not to give a full statement to the police at the moment.

I would talk with rape crisis. Getting help sooner rather than later is far more successful. It is natural to feel shame but you are not responsible HE is.

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Consent when drunk is kinda a grey area where i am from. But i was in no shape to consent and i would not risk my marriage just to jump in bed with some random guy and without a condom. Getting tested etc.. in a couple of weeks. But i am determined not to have this guy destroy me. Going to get the help i need. Was off work due to anxiety but returning next week. Was going to get signed off longer but feel it may be best to return. Certainly beats taking time off and just sitting at home sulking.

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Well, sulking is not the right term. Recovering is. When traumatized people often need help to process and get to a point where they are totally functional . I was raped as a child and teen by 3 different people it took a lot of therapy and different types of therapy to get to where I am today decades later . You don't ever forget but you get better at dealing with it .

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Yeah your right. I have been raped before by an ex partner. Buried it deep for 6 months. Really difficult but i recovered. Got counselling for that. I have to say i never would have went to uni and done well for myself if it didn't happen. I have a good feeling i will thrive again after overcoming this. I am getting a range of emotions. Part of me feels down and part of me really wants to fight this. But i don't think taking anymore time off work would be beneficial. Guess i need to keep busy and have some normality.

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Yeah your right. I have been raped before by an ex partner. Buried it deep for 6 months. Really difficult but i recovered. Got counselling for that. I have to say i never would have went to uni and done well for myself if it didn't happen. I have a good feeling i will thrive again after overcoming this. I am getting a range of emotions. Part of me feels down and part of me really wants to fight this. But i don't think taking anymore time off work would be beneficial. Guess i need to keep busy and have some normality.

Then you know you will still go on . However ,I do think more therapy would be beneficial . I did have therapy initially as a child but not enough . And I refused therapy for 3 decades. In my 40s I had a complete nervous breakdown and for time became a non-functional as in did not even feed or dress myself. It took three years of therapies to bring me back to where it was before and beyond that . I still have PTSD but I'm completely functional now .

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Definitely rape.

 

I hope you can find a counsellor to help you cope with the ongoing issues that you will have to come to terms with. I hope you can remain strong and it's good to hear that you have a positive attitude on not letting this man take you down. It's also good that you have a decent husband who is willing to stand by your side through all of this.

 

I hope you can recover as best as possible and I am sorry this happened to you.

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I agree with everything that's been said - but I also wanted to add that I think you need new friends.

 

I (or anyone in my friend group) would never allow an intoxicated person (esp. a woman) make their own way home. Nor would we let them get in a taxi with a stranger or leave with someone they don't know. (If they want to hook up, take their number and hook up some other time). It just wouldn't happen.

 

I don't think your friends are to blame - but I do think that they are more 'acquaintances'. They weren't really looking out for you, yanno?

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They never knew i was with him. I have many times managed to get a taxi myself. There is no way my friends would let me go off with him. I did not meet him in the bar. If i were to tell my friends what happened they would be devastated and i know one for sure will blame himself.

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Definitely rape.

 

I hope you can find a counsellor to help you cope with the ongoing issues that you will have to come to terms with. I hope you can remain strong and it's good to hear that you have a positive attitude on not letting this man take you down. It's also good that you have a decent husband who is willing to stand by your side through all of this.

 

I hope you can recover as best as possible and I am sorry this happened to you.

Thank you for your kind words. I am on the phone to rape crisis tonight

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I agree with everything that's been said - but I also wanted to add that I think you need new friends.

 

I (or anyone in my friend group) would never allow an intoxicated person (esp. a woman) make their own way home. Nor would we let them get in a taxi with a stranger or leave with someone they don't know. (If they want to hook up, take their number and hook up some other time). It just wouldn't happen.

 

I don't think your friends are to blame - but I do think that they are more 'acquaintances'. They weren't really looking out for you, yanno?

 

They never knew i was with him. I have many times managed to get a taxi myself. There is no way my friends would let me go off with him. I did not meet him in the bar. If i were to tell my friends what happened they would be devastated and i know one for sure will blame himself.

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Then you know you will still go on . However ,I do think more therapy would be beneficial . I did have therapy initially as a child but not enough . And I refused therapy for 3 decades. In my 40s I had a complete nervous breakdown and for time became a non-functional as in did not even feed or dress myself. It took three years of therapies to bring me back to where it was before and beyond that . I still have PTSD but I'm completely functional now .

 

Wow you have been through so much. You are such a strong woman. You should be very proud of yourself for overcoming so much.

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You are strong too! ❤️

 

Doesn't always feel like it but it took a lot to go to police and get a medical examination. Really difficult. Might not make my full statement yet. Will just take it a day at a time. Part of me just wishes i fought more. I am confused as to why he stopped when trying to give me oral (i asked him to) but took advantage of me in that state. I don't get a couple of bruises on my wrist for nothing.

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Doesn't always feel like it but it took a lot to go to police and get a medical examination. Really difficult. Might not make my full statement yet. Will just take it a day at a time. Part of me just wishes i fought more. I am confused as to why he stopped when trying to give me oral (i asked him to) but took advantage of me in that state. I don't get a couple of bruises on my wrist for nothing.

The thing is a person does not have to be fighting or screaming for it to be rape. No one knows how they will react. Everyone reacts differently and some people even freeze up and can't even say a thing. This doesn't mean that it wasn't rape.

 

I understand. I had to undergo medical exam and stand in court against my father's brother when I was 14 . It is absolutely horrible but you can do it .

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The thing is a person does not have to be fighting or screaming for it to be rape. No one knows how they will react. Everyone reacts differently and some people even freeze up and can't even say a thing. This doesn't mean that it wasn't rape.

 

I understand. I had to undergo medical exam and stand in court against my father's brother when I was 14 . It is absolutely horrible but you can do it .

 

Do you.mind if i ask if you got a conviction? I am absolutely terrified of going to court and i keep thinking it wasn't rape. But i am not a cheat and wouldn't knowingly risk my safety like that. I don't want others finding out and thinking i brought this on myself.

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