How should I kick my mother out when the time comes?

My mother currently lives with me and my girlfriend and she is aware that in another year my girlfriend and I want to make some big life changes and possibly move somewhere else. My mother knows that she is not invited to tag along for that as it would not be appropriate. In another thread I posted previously I spoke about how I felt disdain for my mother's "intelligence". I expressed how I felt guilty for viewing her as not very smart. People justifiably said I should care about her character and see her as a human being deserving of love. Sure.

So this human being who deserves love seems to have a hard time doing lots of things that would expedite her process of moving out of my apartment. I sent her a job listing that might interest her. She asked if I could call the listing and "apply" for the job on her behalf. I told her no because she should gain comfort doing that on her own. She responded with "I'm very comfortable. I just don't know the right things to say." So I told her, through email, to say something like "I'm interested in the job and have some experience". A few hours later she responds to my email telling me she called but she forgot to mention that she had experience.

In some respects I'm glad she called and I'm not shocked she screwed it up. She needs to learn through her screw ups (I'm not sure how you forget to mention experience). However this is a perfect example of why I hold disdain for her "intelligence". I am trying my best to assist her in living but I need to build a life with my girlfriend. We are fairly young (early 30s). My mother's incompetence can not be my responsibility for the next several years.

So in a year she needs to go and frankly at the pace she's going, i seriously think she'll be homeless. Suggestions? Should I just kick her to the streets or hate the rest of my miserable life living with my mother?

Why not convince her that going to a dr to deal with her crippling anxiety might be a good idea. Remember you get one mother. She taught you how to talk and eat and not wet your pants. She didn't ditch you when you needed help or lacked skills.

Why not convince her that going to a dr to deal with her crippling anxiety might be a good idea. Remember you get one mother. She taught you how to talk and eat and not wet your pants. She didn't ditch you when you needed help or lacked skills.

I feel like my choice is either a life with my girlfriend or a life with my troubled mother. That's the problem. She makes me so uncomfortable and miserable which is exactly why I moved out at 18. She's a big Fing ball of misery. I had to learn on my own, away from her, to find peace and patience. For the 15+ years we lived away from each other she would call me every Sunday and spend hours telling me how much her life sucks. It would be like, "And then he said this and then the bus came late and then the handyman didn't call back and then my boss said this..." After an hour of this she would then say to me, "Oh I'm sorry. How are you?" This went on for 15 years. I didn't realize how unhealthy this was until my girlfriend got fed up overhearing this conversations with me saying "uh huh. uh huh" for hours that she told me that these conversations were really unfair to me.

My mother is a miserable ball of misery.

When I've recommended psychiatrists she got angry saying there's nothing wrong with her. When I suggested she may struggle with anxiety she got angry at me and said, "No i don't! And the more you say that the more it makes me feel anxious." She's like an injured animal flailing about biting everyone who gets near her. I am trying my best to be there for her but it's either I manage to finally build a healthy life for myself or I need to go along with her constant misery.

Here's a comparison. My father will call me sometimes. He'll shoot the sht. Ask how my life. Try to discuss something positive. I'll ask him questions in return. There's a balance to it. A conversation with my mother is always a conversation about her crippling fears and depression. Period.

My other goal is to earn 1.5 times more by next year so I can finance an apartment for her.

Can you handle her being homeless though? Have you checked with adult protective authorities?

How could you kick your mother to the streets? You wouldn't even have a life, if she hadn't birthed you. She had a choice not to.......

You seem to be lacking in compassion for your mother. I don't have the best relationship with my mom but I have compassion because she's from a different generation. I try to help her with technology. I try to overlook her lack of tolerance in certain areas knowing she is a product of her generation (born in the 40's...) Your mother has fear and anxiety which can be crippling. While that may be annoying to you, it would be really compassionate of you to help her overcome these fears. If you help her apply for a job, once she gets the job, it will help to build her confidence.

Why are you so averse to helping your mother? Maybe she wasn't a "perfect" mom, alluding to your other posts....but are you a parent yet? It's very difficult to be a parent. I have two nearly grown daughters. They are my greatest joy, but it's the hardest thing I have ever done. There are no "perfect" parents.

Maybe suggest to her if she sees a dr she can maybe get disability?

Can you handle her being homeless though? Have you checked with adult protective authorities?

I'm unfamiliar with adult protective authorities so I'll look into that.

When I was younger I was very suicidal. I had planned on shooting myself if I didn't accepted into college. Not because I wanted to go to school but because it was the only way I could get away from mother. She throws her misery at me. She gets angry at my gestures of support. It's painful. So it's a matter of which pain is easier: feeling suicidal or feeling bad that she's unable to support herself.

You have to understand that I want to support her and will be better able to in several years. To a large extent she's unable to support herself NOW because... she's not too bright--or something relating to her crippling anxiety. I don't know. She says she has NO problem with anxiety.

How could you kick your mother to the streets? You wouldn't even have a life, if she hadn't birthed you. She had a choice not to.......

 

You seem to be lacking in compassion for your mother. I don't have the best relationship with my mom but I have compassion because she's from a different generation. I try to help her with technology. I try to overlook her lack of tolerance in certain areas knowing she is a product of her generation (born in the 40's...) Your mother has fear and anxiety which can be crippling. While that may be annoying to you, it would be really compassionate of you to help her overcome these fears. If you help her apply for a job, once she gets the job, it will help to build her confidence.

 

Why are you so averse to helping your mother? Maybe she wasn't a "perfect" mom, alluding to your other posts....but are you a parent yet? It's very difficult to be a parent. I have two nearly grown daughters. They are my greatest joy, but it's the hardest thing I have ever done. There are no "perfect" parents.

Because being around her makes me depressed and suicidal. Why? Because she's constantly angry and depressed and blames me for a lot of her constant discomfort.

Maybe suggest to her if she sees a dr she can maybe get disability?

Yes. I should research that further. Is there disability for anxiety (even if she believes she doesn't have that)?

I'm unfamiliar with adult protective authorities so I'll look into that.

 

When I was younger I was very suicidal. I had planned on shooting myself if I didn't accepted into college. Not because I wanted to go to school but because it was the only way I could get away from mother. She throws her misery at me. She gets angry at my gestures of support. It's painful. So it's a matter of which pain is easier: feeling suicidal or feeling bad that she's unable to support herself.

 

You have to understand that I want to support her and will be better able to in several years. To a large extent she's unable to support herself NOW because... she's not too bright.

I get that. My father was horribly abusive. I am estranged from my father for the most part. I would absolutely die though if he was homeless and do the best I could to protect him.

I still don't think her issue is " not too bright", but anxiety. Believe me I have seen some pretty stunned people working in positions I find incredulous. I don't think it is lack of intelligence holding her back.

How could you kick your mother to the streets? You wouldn't even have a life, if she hadn't birthed you. She had a choice not to.......

 

You seem to be lacking in compassion for your mother. I don't have the best relationship with my mom but I have compassion because she's from a different generation. I try to help her with technology. I try to overlook her lack of tolerance in certain areas knowing she is a product of her generation (born in the 40's...) Your mother has fear and anxiety which can be crippling. While that may be annoying to you, it would be really compassionate of you to help her overcome these fears. If you help her apply for a job, once she gets the job, it will help to build her confidence.

 

Why are you so averse to helping your mother? Maybe she wasn't a "perfect" mom, alluding to your other posts....but are you a parent yet? It's very difficult to be a parent. I have two nearly grown daughters. They are my greatest joy, but it's the hardest thing I have ever done. There are no "perfect" parents.

Here's another way to put it. My girlfriend really wanted my mom to move in with us. Once she saw how my mother acts and treats me, she feels differently. I try very hard to express kindness to her. She returns the favor with anger and resentment.

Yes. I should research that further. Is there disability for anxiety (even if she believes she doesn't have that)?

If you have come to a point in life where it is crippling, yes. Both my father and a cousin get disability for crippling anxiety and mental illness.

I get that. My father was horribly abusive. I am estranged from my father for the most part. I would absolutely die though if he was homeless and do the best I could to protect him.

 

I still don't think her issue is " not too bright", but anxiety. Believe me I have seen some pretty stunned people working in positions I find incredulous. I don't think it is lack of intelligence holding her back.

I absolutely thought it was anxiety too. I still do. If you ask her though, she says she's stupid. Obviously she has very low self-esteem. Either way it depends on how you gauge intelligence. There's an argument to be made that the inability to manage emotions _hinders_ intellectual ability. Holds you back. She's capable of thinking more clearly. She's capable of focusing and concentrating. She's held back by her fears and anxiety or as she likes to put it, "the more you say that the more it makes me feel anxious".

I am trying really hard to create a safe environment for her but it HAS to be away from me.

If you have come to a point in life where it is crippling, yes. Both my father and a cousin get disability for crippling anxiety and mental illness.

Phew. I need to look into this. Of course the biggest hurdle is convincing her to accept a diagnosis of anxiety or convince her to lie that she accepts this diagnosis.

I know why she denies though. She believes having a mental illness is shameful. So she doesn't want to accept it. I've struggled with depression for years. There's no shame. She doesn't hold the same attitude.

Phew. I need to look into this. Of course the biggest hurdle is convincing her to accept a diagnosis of anxiety or convince her to lie that she accepts this diagnosis.

 

I know why she denies though. She believes having a mental illness is shameful. So she doesn't want to accept it. I've struggled with depression for years. There's no shame. She doesn't hold the same attitude.

Because her generation was taught it is shameful and weak. I think you said your mom was in her 50's, I am 50 and yes my generation was taught mental illness is weak, you're a loser, etc etc. And for the generations before mine it was 1 million times worse .

Because her generation was taught it is shameful and weak. I think you said your mom was in her 50's, I am 50 and yes my generation was taught mental illness is weak, you're a loser, etc etc. And for the generations before mine it was 1 million times worse .

I do understand it's a generational thing. I have sat down with her to express my opinion that she need not be afraid. I acknowledged my years struggling with depression in order to be an example to her that I am not ashamed of it. I don't know if that discussion meant anything to her. No idea.

I have no doubt in my mind that if my mother didn't spend most of her life scared of many things she'd have an easier time dealing with life's challenges today. A part of me hoped she'd find more courage in her now to face those fears. It's possible that she is. I don't know. She did ask me to call a job listing for her...

Either way I will look into disability for mental illness. Thank you for tolerating my venting and the advice.

Now, I am not American so you would have to check and see how your disability system works. My son collects disability but he is developmentally disabled.

Now, I am not American so you would have to check and see how your disability system works. My son collects disability but he is developmentally disabled.

I just looked it up and there are some options for anxiety+depression.

I do understand it's a generational thing. I have sat down with her to express my opinion that she need not be afraid. I acknowledged my years struggling with depression in order to be an example to her that I am not ashamed of it. I don't know if that discussion meant anything to her. No idea.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that if my mother didn't spend most of her life scared of many things she'd have an easier time dealing with life's challenges today. A part of me hoped she'd find more courage in her now to face those fears. It's possible that she is. I don't know. She did ask me to call a job listing for her...

 

Either way I will look into disability for mental illness. Thank you for tolerating my venting and the advice.

I understand it is frustrating. My father is the most negative person alive and severely mentally ill, but society should be a measure of how well we treat our sick.

I just looked it up and there are some options for anxiety+depression.[/quote ]

She will need it medically documented. But it would be a way of an income for her and housing .

Oscuro.

Matters were bound to reach a head, and over the months you have been trying to find a solution to your mother's problems.

I remember you mentioned that she DOES actually own a house, but that she was letting it in order to have an income and hence came to live with you and your partner.

What is the worst that can happen if she moves back into her own house? Hopefully she would get some kind of benefit to keep her going, and also she would have the (beneficial) responsibility of looking after a house and all that implies. She will learn to cope if she has to. And I also recall this is not an old woman but a woman in her fifties.

Sure she is a human being and this is not a case of where she would land on the sidewalk. She doesn't want to get a job because that would mean she would have to stand on her own two feet and believe me she is intelligent enough, and wily enough to ensure the interview did not prove successful.

Loving someone does no0t mean enabling him or her. Quite the contrary.

Because being around her makes me depressed and suicidal. Why? Because she's constantly angry and depressed and blames me for a lot of her constant discomfort.

Well no she doesn't "make you" anything and she wasn't going to kick you out when you were depressed or suicidal. I don't think she should live with you because of your toxic relationship. Look into community resources/government programs for her. I don't think she's particularly employable right now if she can't even apply for a job on her own. Can other family members help with resources?

Didn't you say that her sister invited her to live with her and her excuses are she has physical illnesses that don't exist and that is why she wouldn't go? My suggestion before is to have her sister come get her BEFORE the day you move or get close to moving. She knows how your mom is and has offered. Whether you and your girlfriend last the long term or not, you need to decide whether you are going to live in a cohabitating codependent relationship with mom forever, or you are going to live independently. You should not have a future where you have to pay 100% of mom's bills.

There are two options - live with the sister or live in her own house. Your aunt sounds like the best option at this point.

Or if you are relegated to living with mom forever - then move in with her house with her and share the bills, but don't expect the girlfriend to stick around.