He said his ex was good in bed

In a heated argument my husband said "when I was 26 I slept with a 16 year old and it was good." Alcohol was involved also. He ended up staying with her for years and I think it's disgusting. Why did he touch a 16yo? I can't get that comment out of my head. He said he only said it to hurt me, but alcohol doesn't lie does it? I'm his age and that comment has ruined my head. Am I not good?

What the?

In what circumstances did he come out with this revelation, and does he normally say things to try to hurt you?

There are so many things wrong with this picture...

What the?

 

In what circumstances did he come out with this revelation, and does he normally say things to try to hurt you?

 

There are so many things wrong with this picture...

I was extremely angry at him because I knew she was young. I lost my sh*t one night because it all got to me. He said he lived in a small town and there weren't any females. She ended up pregnant etc. They lasted 8 years. I'm his first wife but I can't deal with it and that quote killed me.

No, he is such a good person. He would never say anything to hurt me.

First off, alcohol isn't a truth serum. It depletes our inhibition, so embarrassing truths are more likely to come out, but so are barebones ***hole lies / inflammatory comments we know would hurt the other person. But that's more of a PSA than to relate to or justify anything in your particular situation.

In any case, you're not a detective and it's not your job to sift through the details to discover the truth. I think, drunken or not, his comments are plenty to turn you off from him. I have no idea what the context of the rest of your marriage is, but I don't see a positive resolution from this without marital counseling. You're talking about a pretty fundamental shift in perception.

How long have you been married? How old are the two of you now? You say the sixteen year old got pregnant. Is the child your husbands child? How is your marriage in general... you said he said this during a "heated argument" What was that argument about?

Almost a year. Late thirties. We both have children from previous relationships. I was married and he hasn't been. Yes the child is his. He has full custody of the child from the 16yo and the 16 yo has zero contact with the child. She was 19 when she had him. So pretty much, I'm his mum now.

Our marriage is otherwise perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. The argument was in the first month of marriage and it was over his ex's. I was trying to make sense of it all. Iwanted information and he was just so vague. We had been drinking and I had PMS.

I just can't get the comment out of my head. He said he only said it to hurt me and it isn't true, that I'm a million times better, but I just don't believe him about a lot of stuff anymore.

Almost a year. Late thirties. We both have children from previous relationships. I was married and he hasn't been. Yes the child is his. He has full custody of the child from the 16yo and the 16 yo has zero contact with the child. She was 19 when she had him. So pretty much, I'm his mum now.

 

Our marriage is otherwise perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. The argument was in the first month of marriage and it was over his ex's. I was trying to make sense of it all. Iwanted information and he was just so vague. We had been drinking and I had PMS.

Luv... your marriage is otherwise "perfect" you "couldn't ask for a better husband" why on earth are you dwelling on what went on in his past?

I just can't get the comment out of my head. He said he only said it to hurt me and it isn't true, that I'm a million times better, but I just don't believe him about a lot of stuff anymore.

By all accounts you forced the issue and he shot back with something that he obviously regrets... "you're a million times better." Hang that up on your bathroom mirror and read it to yourself every day.

Indeed Xcest.

In vino veritas.

However, all you can do is overlook this entirely stupid and uncalled for remark, and let it go. If you can.

I have to endorse JMan on this.

What brought this all on now?

You've known for a while (I assume) who the child's mother is and how old she is. The argument was months ago, if I understand correctly. There has got to be more to this story - what exactly were you arguing about that this issue even came up?

To be clear, I absolutely question the judgement of a 26-year-old man having sex with a teenager. That is not good. However, I can only gather that this wasn't news to you when you chose to marry him - or was it?

We were arguing about his past. I didn't know exactly how old she was when we got married (we married after 10 months together). I thought she could have been 15 and lost my mind, as I found the boys birth certificate and it said she was 19 when she had the boy and I knew they were together for a few years before. So I kept on going on about how it's disgusting etc and he said the "I was 26 and slept with a 16 yo and it was good" comment. Not sure if he as referring to the sex or the relationship . I assume sex.

The ex is now contacting me wanting to know about the boy on Facebook and now she wants to be friends. We've spoken and chatted a lot. She's been absent from his life for so long and now she wants to know about him. My husband won't talk to her because he hates her, she cheated on him and because she's absent from her son's life.

I've stopped drinking alcohol completely and these problems are all floating around in my head more.

I think you two are going to need counseling.

You have a lot to deal with, in the form of his questionable past and the mother of his child apparently trying to re-enter the boy's life. A professional should be able to help you sort through the problems and give you some tools to cope.

We were arguing about his past. I didn't know exactly how old she was when we got married (we married after 10 months together). I thought she could have been 15 and lost my mind, as I found the boys birth certificate and it said she was 19 when she had the boy and I knew they were together for a few years before. So I kept on going on about how it's disgusting etc and he said the "I was 26 and slept with a 16 yo and it was good" comment. Not sure if he as referring to the sex or the relationship . I assume sex.

 

The ex is now contacting me wanting to know about the boy on Facebook and now she wants to be friends. We've spoken and chatted a lot. She's been absent from his life for so long and now she wants to know about him. My husband won't talk to her because he hates her, she cheated on him and because she's absent from her son's life.

 

I've stopped drinking alcohol completely and these problems are all floating around in my head more.

I hope that your husband is aware and approves of you communicating with her. It will cause you a hella problem if he doesn't, I'd assume. He DOES have sole custody via court order I also hope.

In a heated argument my husband said "when I was 26 I slept with a 16 year old and it was good." Alcohol was involved also. He ended up staying with her for years and I think it's disgusting. Why did he touch a 16yo? I can't get that comment out of my head. He said he only said it to hurt me, but alcohol doesn't lie does it? I'm his age and that comment has ruined my head. Am I not good?

Well they were together for 8 years, so it was a committed relationship. He didnt go and knock up a teenager as such, or 'touch her,' as you put it. Thats a serious allegation, he was involved in an 8 year relationship with the mother of his child. The way you are conveying it is a serious allegation, and you should never say things like that unless its warranted.

Her age is legal in most countries in Europe, not sure what the consent laws are in your part of the world. Where I'm from though, what happened between them was legal and a consensual, long term relationship. There's nothing disgusting about the fact that he stayed with her for 8 years, thats a misjudgement on your part.

Unfortunately alcohol turns people into demons and they end up saying the meanest things. Best thing for both of you to do would be to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

Make an agreement to never go into the past like that again, and to come to a better way to address your issues and fall outs.

Well they were together for 8 years, so it was a committed relationship. He didnt go and knock up a teenager as such, or 'touch her,' as you put it. Thats a serious allegation, he was involved in an 8 year relationship with the mother of his child. The way you are conveying it is a serious allegation, and you should never say things like that unless its warranted.

 

Her age is legal in most countries in Europe, not sure what the consent laws are in your part of the world. Where I'm from though, what happened between them was legal and a consensual, long term relationship. There's nothing disgusting about the fact that he stayed with her for 8 years, thats a misjudgement on your part.

 

Unfortunately alcohol turns people into demons and they end up saying the meanest things. Best thing for both of you to do would be to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

 

Make an agreement to never go into the past like that again, and to come to a better way to address your issues and fall outs.

Worth repeating.

He has full custody of the child from the 16yo and the 16 yo has zero contact with the child. She was 19 when she had him.

 

The 16yo was 19 when she had the child, so stop referring to her as the 16yo. She is now at least 24.

Yes he is aware. He refuses to speak to her so I feel I have to. I'm only doing it so she doesn't push to contact the boy, whose counselor thinks her contacting him and then disappearing constantly would be even more detrimental to him. (She used to contact him then wouldn't for months). No court orders, she voluntarily gave him up and lives in another state. Seeking court orders would be easy given her lack of contact over the years.

Yes he is aware. He refuses to speak to her so I feel I have to. I'm only doing it so she doesn't push to contact the boy, whose counselor thinks her contacting him and then disappearing constantly would be even more detrimental to him. (She used to contact him then wouldn't for months). No court orders, she voluntarily gave him up and lives in another state. Seeking court orders would be easy given her lack of contact over the years.

She has no legal recourse to see her son, she gave up her rights. Sure, she could spend money on lawyer but it's an extremely unlikley, uphill battle. You are actually helping her BUILD up a case! You are talking to her for nothing and causing a detriment to your marriage for nothing. Why are you doing this?

The facts you have given us are as follows:

1. This was over many years ago, with a person who was of legal consent before he even knew you existed.

2. He was with her for 8 years, not a once off type of thing.

3. She cheated on him, and was a poor mother who had this child at the age of 19. No where near underage.

4. Voluntarily gave up rights, made little to no effort to contact with. So the child almost virtually doesn't know her I'm willing to guess.

5. Your husband only said that because you two were having a fight over something in the past that you brought up.

And these are things you need to be aware of:

1. He married you, not her. You chose to marry him, despite the fact he had a child from another marriage, something women RARELY do.

2. If this was the other way around, with a single mom and a child, would you tolerate this behavior on the husband's part?

3. You need to start seeing this child as your own and not dig up your husband's past. If men can't do it, then neither can women. You chose to marry this man and be part of this family. His mother (not really at this point) isn't in the picture and hasn't been. Are you going to be a mother to this kid or not?

What are you jealous of exactly? You are torpedoing your marriage. You really need to stop and get counseling and get it out in the air what truly troubles you. Otherwise you are going to hurt that kid, and create a very bitter man against women, who will then teach that boy why women cannot be trusted. And the worse part is, you are creating reasons as to why he should not!

This was over many years ago, with a person who was of legal consent before he even knew you existed.

Without knowing where the OP lives, you have no way to confirm that. In most US states, this would be statutory rape. Taking the legality out of the equation, many people would find the idea of a 26 year old man being involved with a 16 year old girl disturbing. I believe that is what the OP is wrestling with.

Yes Hyden. That is my problem.....

Yes Hyden. That is my problem.....

So... are you going to get professional help to get you over your obsessive thinking on this or are you just going to leave him for something you knew BEFORE you married him?

I can't leave him, there are too many kids involved between us, as I had previous kids and so did he. I've started with a counsellor again. It's just hard to understand why he did what he did and I can't trust and love him 100% with this all in my head.

He obviously did enjoy being with her, or he wouldn't have stuck around for four years and created a child with her. Having sex with a teenager in his late twenties is within his value system, he doesn't believe it to be wrong.

He said it to hurt you but of course there is truth to it. He liked it, which is usually the case with exes or past partners anyone has had.

There's two parts to it:

If you can forgive him deliberately hurtingyouin the heat of a moment

If you can accept his value system

I know what I would do but it may not be the same as you.

In a heated argument my husband said "when I was 26 I slept with a 16 year old and it was good." Alcohol was involved also. He ended up staying with her for years and I think it's disgusting. Why did he touch a 16yo? I can't get that comment out of my head. He said he only said it to hurt me, but alcohol doesn't lie does it? I'm his age and that comment has ruined my head. Am I not good?

So in other words, he's a child molestar. You should report him to CPS.

So in other words, he's a child molestar. You should report him to CPS.

16 is legal here.

It's legal for men over 20 to have sex with 16 year olds? What Country do you live in?