My husband made and posted a video while I slept in the next room

Hi all,

This is my first time posting on a forum like this but I just didn't know where else to turn. My parents would kill my husband and I don't want my friends involved, so here we are.

I have been with my husband for 11.5 years, married for 4. On the whole we are fantastic together, we laugh a lot, we support each other, we make a formidable team around the home. Whenever life has thrown the stuff at the fan, we've got through it together. Trust has generally never been a problem and we talk, talk, and talk some more about absolutely any issues, this is part of why it hurts to be here now.

Last night, my husband made a video of himself showing off his body while he slept in the room next door. I don't mind him walking around shirtless when he's working or getting a tan, but he stripped down to his boxer shorts for this. He didn't send it to one girl, he published it on some website. He said 10 people had seen it before he took it down.

He confessed to it this morning and said he knows why he did it. He admits that when he was at school the girls never noticed him. He was the weedy, shy nerd that no ladies wanted. Now he has some confidence and self-esteem (in part because I have worked solidly with him and used some of the stuff I did in therapy over the past 3 weeks) he had the confidence to do it. He said he did it for the attention, and also in part because of jealousy.

As for the jealousy, I am polyamorous, although not sexual with the couple that I am involved with. My partners and I click on a psychological level and engage in flirty verbal sparring matches as well as a generally supportive non-sexual partnership. My husband knows everything that goes on there and we talk regularly to make sure he is still happy, which he has always said he is. I also split my time with 3 days for each of them, with Sunday being the mad rush before we go back to work. I spoke to my husband long before I agreed to any kind of polyamorous relationship with my partners to find out how he felt and what the boundaries are for him.

When it comes to sex, I'm not in any way close-minded. I introduced my husband to BDSM as soon as I was of legal age. I had fantasies from as soon as I discovered sexuality which were... rougher, than most. I understand kinks, fetishes, dynamics and so on, so voyeurism and exhibitionism is not something I am going to turn my nose up at. The important thing for me, or the two things I base any relationship on (romantic or otherwise) is communication and trust.

I'm now too afraid to take naps, fearful of him doing something like it again. He says he won't and tells me he's deleted the apps and websites, but my trust in him is shattered. 3 days ago we went through all of my little black dresses because I know he doesn't like me wearing anything that is short and gives a glimpse of my rear, anytime I take a picture of myself where the neckline shows a bit more cleavage than I think might be okay, I check it with him first to make sure he is happy for me to upload it, or crop my chest area out if not. I am mindful of my interactions with other men, careful not to be seen as being too close or too flirty in case it upsets him. I'm not afraid of what he might do to me, I've just never wanted to hurt his feelings.

My husband has been off of work for the past 3 weeks with depression and in that time he has worked through some self-help books and used some worksheets from the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course I went on four years ago. I am fully aware of his confidence and self-esteem issues and try and make sure he always feels good about himself. I compliment him regularly and flirt with him a lot. I dress for him and tease him if I want something more. We have always had a great love life.

I also try to be the best that I can be for him, and to keep our home nice and clean. I keep myself active, maintain the home, cook every night and make sure I'm presentable every day. I work 3 days a week and I have a half hour power nap before he comes home as I suffer with severe anxiety and chronic pain and a nap helps me be in a better mood in the evenings. I don't say say as I'm perfect but I try my damnest to be the best wife and partner that I can be.

I have seen him before on those cam chatroom sites but I have never suspected him of doing anything on them. He goes on Reddit a fair bit but again I have always trusted him to behave. When we started our relationship we agreed that flirting was okay as long as our bodies were covered and there was never anything more than a hug. Dancing with the opposite sex is fine, but slow dancing was not. For the past 11.5 years, I have always, always adhered to those rules.

He says he is sorry and says it was a moment of weakness, which I believe it was. The thing is he has had a moment of weakness before when we went clubbing for his birthday. A girl asked him for his boxer shorts and he oblidged. After months I forgave him but I have never forgotten it since. It seems like the more confident he gets the more stupid he becomes. I have told him now that he is on strike two, and if he gets a strike three I am gone. I couldn't help but think that 'a moment of weakness' can get people sent to prison for 20+ years, or worse. Crikey, if I acted everytime I had an urge to do something then I doubt I'd be sat here typing this now!

He is one of those people that also always hides his phone if I'm close to him, which makes me insecure. I trust him generally and I am quite self confident, but it knocks me when he does that. Am I not good enough for him? What else has he found? Is there anything going on? etc. He doesn't trust me if I'm on the computer and quite frequently loiters to see what I am up to. Even writing this post, he has been back 7-8 times for silly little things that he 'needs', though I know that he is really checking to see what I am up to. Sometimes he has come back into the bedroom and tried to get me to talk or asked me what's up like he is genuinely clueless. My heart is in pieces and he is asking me what's up, really? He did say he would leave his phone in the bedroom with me if it made me feel safer, however, he hasn't. I don't ask to go through his phone purely because I like my own privacy, so I see it as for tat, in a way. I try and trust him, albeit now he has given me a reason not to.

My husband has never been abusive and he has never slept with any one else. We are each other's world and this is what makes it hurt more than anything else. When I'm in dire straits, I turn to him. Right now it feels like I've lost a limb.

At the moment I don't know what I want or what I want to do. Annoyingly, tonight was supposed to be one of our NSFW nights. It's also been some days since we have been intimate and I've been kinda feeling the need. Right now I don't want to do either. I don't even want him to touch me or kiss me, much less anything else. I need to cry, but I don't feel comfortable with turning to him to cry, after all, he was the one who broke my trust.

I'm being mindful of impulsive and harsh reactions that could make a bad situation even worse. Moving back in with my parents for a while was an immediate response, but live I've said, I don't want them involved. If my father-in-law then visits on Saturday and I'm not here, he too will know something is wrong, so that makes it more trouble than it's worth. I'm also being careful about turning to male or mutual friends or my parnter, lest that complicates the situation even more.

I have so many questions, some of them I'm not sure I want the answers to. He deleted the video before I could even ask to see it. What was in it? What did he show? What did he do? What did he say? Did anyone see anything in our home? Valuables? Our dog? Pictures of me/us? Needless to say, both my generalised anxiety and my OCD are going it ten-fold.

I don't really know what else I want to add or to ask here, other than to ask if anyone has been through anything similar? How did you cope? What did you do? He won't go to therapy or counselling, he sees them as "dreamy idealists" and "therapy for failing marriages", respectively. I'm not sure what more I can do. The hardest part is going to be keeping up appearances with two family visits next week.

Thanks for reading.

Cheeky x

I don't understand how you can be polyamorous, involved with another couple, open-minded about areas which many people would consider perversions, including exhibitionism - yet have problems with him posting a video of himself in his boxer shorts.

Was it because he didn't tell you that he was going to do this before he did, so you couldn't police it? Would you have been OK if he had?

Given that you ARE so open-minded, this sounds more like an issue of control rather than his action itself. If you have an "anything goes" attitude to your relationship... well, anything goes, and it makes no sense to complain about it!

Your post is full or really polar contradictions, so it's kind of confusing. For example you are cool with voyeurism and exhibitionism, but not cool with posting a pic with just a little cleavage showing? There are some very strange and very contradictory lines drawn in your relationship.

That aside, imho you are having this massive over reaction over this situation. You are blowing up like you just found out that he slept with your sister and raped your mother, when in fact all he did is engage in some brief online fantasy that he quickly deleted and it wasn't all that risque either. I think you need to ask yourself what is really chaffing you here?

I'm not really understanding the source of your upset either. I'd like to understand, but I don't.

So far it is just sort of seeming like a double standard here. You actually split your time away from him to be with other people. But he can't post a pic without his top on?

I don't think he's as cool with you being with others as he says. He told you he is jealous? He has low self esteem, so he may go along with things out of fear you'll leave. Just thoughts

Very hypocritical.

Honestly, if it were my husband who had low self esteem and he finally worked up the courage to do something like that, I think I'd share the post on my Facebook and brag about how sexy he looks!! He conquered a pretty big hurdle, I would want to be supportive and uplifting. Way to go hubby, know your worth!

Pot, and kettles, and the colour black - and all kinds of contradictory and confusing boundaries.

You two need to do a lot of work on what the heck you both want out of this marriage.

I'm confused. So you are allowed to do all that stuff and he isnt?

Sorry but he should get checked if his balls are still in place.

My husband has been off of work for the past 3 weeks with depression

So....its okay for you to share your body with another couple and you are not okay with your husband showing off his body to others? So he is expected to fulfill his marriage vows by being exclusive and faithful to you, but you are not? This man has to compete with at least two other people for your affections and attention - he deserves to be FIRST. So you freak when he is being unfaithful to his marriage and yet its okay for you? I really think that you found a man who was not confident about himself and didn't attract female attention in a way because you felt he wouldn't go anywhere and you could do anything you wanted. I think that you want him to be confident but not so confident that he would leave you or want more of you.

Maybe its not that he's OKAY with your polyamory - its that he felt he couldn't do any better than a wife that wasn't faithful to him.

It seems like the more confident he gets the more stupid he becomes. I have told him now that he is on strike two, and if he gets a strike three I am gone.

Now that you have a somewhat confident husband -- something YOU tried to help him be -- and now you don't like it. And seriously...you are talking about him being strike two like he is your 10 year old son and not your husband....and yet you are cavorting with another couple??? You can't be serious. You have a completely different standard for him than you do for yourself. I really think that you are finding that he's not under your thumb like you like him and you are freaking out about it. I strongly suggest you ditch your "couple" and recommit to your one on one two person marriage instead of giving your husband ultimatums.

You sound like a control freak on a pout because your husband acted on his own in rebellion toward some of your behavior that he doesn't like. You might feel sophisticated swinging the poly term around, but you'll need to consider the consequences of how that makes husband feel--and what he might do to act out against whatever psychobabble you use to gaslight him into acceptance of your choices.

Husband is done with feeling powerless, so I'd quit the shame game, which is parental and won't 'work' anymore. Negotiate instead, trading boundaries in your relationship that satisfy him in exchange for him adopting boundaries that satisfy you.

Now he has some confidence and self-esteem (in part because I have worked solidly with him and used some of the stuff I did in therapy over the past 3 weeks)

you "worked with him" ?? maybe stop playing his therapist, take your projections back, and just continue seeing your own therapist.

Weird, creepy

It seems like the more confident he gets the more stupid he becomes. I have told him now that he is on strike two, and if he gets a strike three I am gone.

I feel like you may have been previously and possibly brainwashed to believe that you like things he forced on you. It hurts you because its not ok. Your natural instincts are kicking in and you're not ok with the previous arrangements. Sounds to me like you're wanting more monogamy now. Understand that couples who have open relationships of any sort usually won't last.

May I ask how old you are? And how long have you been polyamorous? Before any attempt at offering any advice, its best to have all pertinent info.

I feel like you may have been previously and possibly brainwashed to believe that you like things he forced on you. It hurts you because its not ok. Your natural instincts are kicking in and you're not ok with the previous arrangements. Sounds to me like you're wanting more monogamy now. Understand that couples who have open relationships of any sort usually won't last.

If you read OPs post, at all, you'll find that SHE brought polyamory into their relationship and that HE has, thus far, been OK with it.

Your claims about open relationships are without merit.

As for the jealousy, I am polyamorous, although not sexual with the couple that I am involved with. My partners and I click on a psychological level and engage in flirty verbal sparring matches as well as a generally supportive non-sexual partnership. My husband knows everything that goes on there and we talk regularly to make sure he is still happy, which he has always said he is. I also split my time with 3 days for each of them, with Sunday being the mad rush before we go back to work. I spoke to my husband long before I agreed to any kind of polyamorous relationship with my partners to find out how he felt and what the boundaries are for him.

This is the most bizarre thing I have ever read.

So the couple you are "seeing" are really just good friends of yours? If you dont actually have sex with them & just have flirty verbal sparring matches why do you need to live with them 3 days a week? What does your poor Husband do while you are doing this?