My girlfriend of 3 years just told me she is polyamorous

I have no idea how to feel about it. She assured me she didn't want to force it on me and could live monogamously with me but the thought of depriving her of what she wants her entire life makes me nauseous and I'm not going to do that.

 

I feel totally, completely and thoroughly monogamous right now and can not even begin to think of anyone else holding her much less me having the same deep feelings for anyone else at the same time. I've been reading a lot of literature on it since she told me and many proponents keep referencing the idea that we have not a finite supply of love to give but that we can give as much love to as many people as we want without necessarily cheapening it for the other recipients. I feel unable to put any stock in that and I honestly cannot imagine inviting someone else into our relationship or allowing her to participate with someone else away from me.

 

If anyone here is poly or has had a similar experience I really could use advice. I feel very worried that this could destroy our relationship if I can't learn to like it. I won't trap my girlfriend in a lifestyle she doesn't want, that would hurt me every day knowing she wanted something more that I couldn't give her.

All the answers you need are in your own post. You don't want to trap her or force her to live in a way she won't be happy with and you can't live with this type of lifestyle.

The only answer that comes up, is you two are incompatible and she wants something you do not want. She might be able to stay with you for a while and be happy, but eventually she will want to search elsewhere.

From what I know about polyamorous people, they like this lifestyle because they want to be able to love more than one person. For them, to stay with only one person will become difficult for them and will make them feel held back or resentful.

Unfortunately, I think you need to let her go. You both want different things and this is a major difference.

This would be a dealbreaker and you should not give up your own values for her. She should of been honest and upfront with you about this before you big became exclusive.

 

I'm sorry there is nothing you can do to change her mind.

 

I've been reading a lot of literature on it since she told me and many proponents keep referencing the idea that we have not a finite supply of love to give but that we can give as much love to as many people as we want without necessarily cheapening it for the other recipients.

I applaud you for being very open-minded of her preference, but it's all BS. The bottom line is that you want to be exclusive and not share a woman with another person. There's a major health risk to her lifestyle in terms of HIV/STD, and you don't want that entering in your relationship.

 

So yeah, tell her no and let her know that she should of informed you this preference 3 years ago. Stand firm to your beliefs and find a person who shares the same values. You will be much happier that way.

This is a huge incompatibility, and not something you can compromise on and still feel happy and secure in the relationship:

I won't trap my girlfriend in a lifestyle she doesn't want, that would hurt me every day knowing she wanted something more that I couldn't give her.

In a way, this is akin to being with a partner that you know is in love with someone else. If you both want polyamory, that would be different and you may be able to make it work. Though I forget the book title and authors, but there was a very famous book about open marriages and making them work, in the 1970's. It was a seminal work... that was, until the authors divorced for adultery.

 

It's a pity she hadn't been open about this at the start, as you would then been able to choose whether or not to get involved with someone whose value system doesn't chime with your own. It sounds as though you're hoping that someone on here will convince you to feel differently, but that really isn't going to work - and I can't say I blame you. Though proponents of polyamory will state that it's different to infidelity, it certainly won't feel that way to a monogamous partner of someone who's seeking sexual gratification elsewhere. The advantage is, I suppose, that people who are unable to commit to one partner can call themselves 'polyamorous', as if it conferred some kind of respectability, and be open about it. If my partner told me he wanted polyamory, I'd respect his views and feelings - and I'd be out of there very, very fast.

 

I know a couple who agreed to an open marriage; they'd only been together for a couple of years when he was diagnosed with cancer. Although he survived the illness, it has left him unable to have sex and he needs to use a catheter to urinate. She wanted children, so quite openly got pregnant by two other men; he is now bringing up these kids as if they were his own, and doing his best by them. It's the most uncomfortable household I've ever visited; even without knowing the backstory you can sense there's something deeply, deeply wrong with the family and I guess it's just a matter of time before the kids are referred to mental health services.

 

You need to discuss this fully with your girlfriend, including telling her that you can't stay happy in a relationship where you know she'd rather be looking elsewhere even if she doesn't act on it. If you continue with this relationship, it will have a devastating effect on your self esteem.

Something doesn't make sense. Are you sure this is not a hint that she wants to break up? I mean she has suppressed herself for three years? All of a sudden she is polyamorous..?

3 years relationship and just now she tells you this???

I mean... it sounds like she started to get involved with someone else (AKA: cheating), but is not quiet ready to let you go just yet.

Look, you know what you want out of life.

 

No amount of reading literature is going to make you okay with polyamory if you're not okay with it. It's fine to try to understand something, but I can read about the benefits of eating kale every day and still not like it.

 

I've read a couple books on polyamory, i do think it's possible for some people to love more than one person, and depending on the person, to be satisfied with the amount of love this person gives. Some people just don't need much and would be fine with their girlfriend going out with other guys so he can get more xbox time. However, that is a highly individualized thing. I think it a bigger stretch to believe that a polyamorous person could be satisfied in a monogomous relationship long-term, but anything's possible.

 

However, if that is NOT you, then polyamory WILL poison your relationship. If that's a lifestyle she needs to pursue, tell her to go ahead... but she's going to have to do it without you.

I think it's incredibly sweet that you know she could stay with you and continue to suppress it but that you don't want to restrict her. Kudos to you.

 

I think you should just tell her this. Have a discussion. It may come down to this is something she really wants and she can't really imagine a whole life without it. In which case, go your separate ways. But at least you'll have talked

Thanks for the replies so far guys, I have a lot to think about now. One thing I wanted to clear up is that we are only 20 and we were each others first real significant others so I don't want it to come across as she 'hid' it from me for three years. I think this is something she is more, discovering, about herself now.

My friend just had a kid with her guy at the time. He wanted to bang other women. She didn't want to break up, so declared on Facebook that they were now polyamourous, and she wanted to know if anyone liked her in that way since she was Bi.

 

He found a new side girlfriend. After some time, it wasn't working out, they were back to monogamous. But, he didn't want to stop sleeping with other people, so they broke up.

 

Think of it; do you really want the mother of your children bringing out new "daddies" around your kids? For me, HELL to the NO! I would never accept having runner-ups nipping at my heels, or being a runner-up.

I wouldn't worry so much about her. She wants to screw around and explore. That's fine. That's breaking up if you want a committed monogamous relationship. Which it sounds like you do.

 

Stop worrying about her. Think about yourself a little bit. There are plenty of women out there looking for a guy to love exclusively. Whose dream is to find one nice guy to be with.

 

Time to start dating. Real dating. You have only been with her, it's natural it's tough and scary to let go. But she's not the one.

 

Dating ( doesn't have to include sex) for you would show your wide variety of people you could be with. This girl needs to sow her wild oats- leave her to it. Don't make it something more than it is in your mind though.

One thing I wanted to clear up is that we are only 20 and we were each others first real significant others so I don't want it to come across as she 'hid' it from me for three years. I think this is something she is more, discovering, about herself now.

Ok, one doesn't suddenly wake up one day and decide that he/she is suddenly polygamist. You should of came across this upon your research. This was something that she had pre-meditated on for a time, and it could be a sign that she is burned out of the relationship. She had a long time to tell you about being into polygamy. Values aren't suddenly given to you- you are raised or influenced by them.

 

That's fine if she wants to "explore" her sexuality with random people, but it comes with a price of costing her relationship with you. She can't realistically expect to keep you on the side and needs to do the right thing.. By moving on from the relationship. If you are seeking wife material, she's not it. People who are in happier marriages are those who have spouses with similar value systems... Polygamy is the complete opposite of yours.

 

Here's a good piece of advice on relationships: never lower your expectations for somebody. By staying with her, you are settling for less than what she can provide for your needs.

My friend tried the polygamous thing and it was a disaster. She tried it out of her own desire.and it only brought up jealousy and such. It's really not for everyone. Most people I belive aren't made for it.

She is only 20 and you're her first boyfriend.

 

My guess is she just wants to explore and experience other guys, but wants permission from you to do so, so that she doesn't feel guilty and doesn't lose the security of having a relationship.

 

Is she actually polyamorous, in the true sense of the word? Perhaps. But I would lean towards this really being her natural curiosity to see what else is out there.

 

Given that the two of you now want completely different things, you will likely just need to concede that this is no longer the relationship for you.

She is only 20 and you're her first boyfriend.

 

My guess is she just wants to explore and experience other guys, but wants permission from you to do so, so that she doesn't feel guilty and doesn't lose the security of having a relationship.

 

Is she actually polyamorous, in the true sense of the word? Perhaps. But I would lean towards this really being her natural curiosity to see what else is out there.

 

Given that the two of you now want completely different things, you will likely just need to concede that this is no longer the relationship for you.

 

Well, we had already discussed a threesome and come to the agreement we would get tinders and try to find someone (a girl, she is bisexual) to have one with. I'm fine with that because it's something physical that she wants to experience and it would be fun for me obviously. This is different because she emotionally wants to have a relationship with me and another person all together in a single relationship. So like, it doesn't feel like she's trying to explore anything it feels to me like she has really thought about it and wants this different dynamic. You might be right that our desires are too conflicting but like, it seems really disproportionate to just end things after we've been so devoted for three years, especially when she's conceded already that she doesn't need me to be okay with it.

I didn't mean "explore" only in a sexual sense. I also meant exploring dating and relationships with other people, exploring love with other people, and so on.

 

Also, I didn't mean to suggest she just came up with this idea out of the blue. I'm sure she has given it some thought. But I don't think that necessarily changes the bottom line for you, which is that she still would like to see others. I do understand it's hard to come to terms with, and you don't want to just end it, but also consider the fact that she is interested in opening up the relationship.

 

I advise you to tread very cautiously, OP. Sometimes people who already have their eye on someone else float the idea of an open/poly relationship to their partners as a way of justifying acting on their desires with this specific person without technically cheating. Do you have any suspicious she's already talking to someone else? You mention she is bisexual and interested in sex with women, but what if she finds herself dating another man and not a woman? Or just wants to have sex with another guy?

 

Knowing people who have engaged in polyamory, I can tell you it almost never works out when one partner is poly and the other isn't. Or when one partner wants to try a poly relationship, but doesn't just to appease their partner. If that's who they truly are, it isn't something that's easy to suppress forever, just as you can't suddenly make yourself suppress your desire for monogamy. So while it's good that she respects your desire not to travel down this road, it doesn't necessarily mean she'll remain in a monogamous relationship forever either.

She wants to sleep with other guys while you sit at home waiting for her , dump this girl dude if you want a committed relationship this isn't the girl for you she will cheat and just say well I told you I was polymaurus

Well, we had already discussed a threesome and come to the agreement we would get tinders and try to find someone (a girl, she is bisexual) to have one with. I'm fine with that because it's something physical that she wants to experience and it would be fun for me obviously

I strongly do not recommend it given your commitment level to her. You are playing with fire if you engage in an orgy and somebody (most likely you) will end up getting hurt.

 

And finding a random someone online for sex is a really stupid idea. It's a good way of inviting HIV/hepatitis/STDs into your relationship. Is jeopardizing your health and getting a virus that has no curable treatment worth pleasing someone you've been dating since high school? Think long and hard on this one. You have NO way of knowing if that person is clean and is being truthful to you. Medical records can be forged.

 

it seems really disproportionate to just end things after we've been so devoted for three years, especially when she's conceded already that she doesn't need me to be okay with it.

That speaks volumes about her commitment to you. she's going to do it anyway regardless of how you feel. This is truly somebody you want to give up everything for, including your own values? Anyone who purposely goes against relationship boundaries with little care about my feelings would be a goner.

 

So your reason for staying with her is based on the number of years you were together? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's not a valid reason. People who enter their 20s are constantly changing their perceptions and behavior. They do not entirely remain the same person you knew back in high school. For this reason, it is hard the maintain friendships after high school. People grow apart and have different priorities. Her priority is no longer with you and the relationship. She wants out and to "have fun" without ANY consequences or being tied down. Sorry, that's not how it works with people who are devoted to monogamy.

 

I broke off a three year relationship/engagement. It sucked, it hurt like hell, but he was not the right person for me. I found a better man after him. You will find yours, and as the majority of posters have said here... She is not a good fit for your needs.

 

Good luck.