Jump to content

I can't live in pain anymore


69886

Recommended Posts

Iknow I am being very selfish and probably sound pathetic but I have been thinking about ending my life for quite a while now. When I was little I didn't have a very good upbringing a few things happened to me that effected the rest of my life leaving me never been able to live a normal life. Teenage years I was a terror things that happened in those years also haunt me to this day the situations I got myself into, I got pregnant at 15 had a baby at 16 moved into my first house alone didn't really have any friends or a supportive family as I was kicked out at the age of 13.

I have always suffered from depression anxiety panic attacks thoughts of suicide all my life I've never been able to have a good sleep without nightmares, I've always been underweight from appetite loss due to stress. 3 year ago at the age of 19 with a 3 year old I met someone who seemed to really be good to be around my daughter someone I could trust around her as I didn't trust anyone and I jumped into things we were living in the moment together nearly every day I couldn't believe my luck I thought finally I have found someone who can help me and my daughter lead a better life he was very career driven and mature and seemed at the time to have such a big heart I fell head over heale for him I felt for once in my life normal, 3-4 months into the relationship I fell pregnant my daughter came early and I was having trouble with my boss at the place I worked so I left my job and we moved to a different village together to start fresh. 2 years down line and our relationship came to an end for 2 years I wouldn't let the kids sleep out anywhere (Nannan's ect) I had and still have really bad depression and anxiety our relationship was going down ill from that day we had our daughter as I breast fed on demand and never made an effort with myself he lost interest and I could see everything I did or said irritated him he couldn't even bare to kiss me or touch me or even hug me. My depression spireled out of control and he couldn't cope anymore I went to the doctors told them bits they referred me for counciling I then went to my consultation and they said they would not be able to cater for me and referred me to another type of counciling I then went to that consultation where I got told I would be then put on a waiting list for PTSD treatment I have not hear anything from them since then that was over 1 year ago. I was hard work to be around so insecure and sensitive and defensive last weekend I let kids stay at their grandmas and we went for a date it was absolutely amazing and it gave me hope then the day after it just went back to normal he couldn't look at me didn't want to be with in a foot near me yesterday was the official day it sunk in he had left me he had told everyone he was single and wants to enjoy his life ect deleted al our photos off his social media page ect girls we used to argue about he added them straight away downloaded other social media websites that used to cause arguments. I just feel like I trapped him he never wanted to be with me we just ended up having a baby early on and he felt he had to stay with me. I became so dependent on him I was suffocating him

Now I'm left alone and scared I love him so much I've never had anyone like him in my life ever. I'm having frequent panic attacks and break downs now just thinking who is he talking to what's he doing ect and if he was to turn up to see kids I'm that crazy I'd want to try get his phone on sly I don't know what is wrong with me. All iknow is that I am in so much pain and I feel like if I died I'd be put out that pain but then I have two daughters who are absolutely amazing couldn't ask for better children and I don't want to ruin their life's

It's just so hard I feel like I am having to stay here to keep them safe but it's torture I wake up every morning crying I go to school run for my eldest I come back I cry I shut myself in the house all day till it's time to pick my eldest up and then I shut us in the house some more I don't go anywhere I don't even want to go anywhere I jst with I could sleep my life away I just don't know how to cope it's really hard

Link to comment

Hi,

 

Sounds like you need to contact counseling again or see if there are any resources in your area like a suicide hotline. They can get you in right away like that minute to a place to get help. Your daughters need you and you can't give up on them, no guy is worth more then a mothers love.

 

Don't let some man who honestly isn't worth it because if he was he would stick by you through thick and thin.

 

You have this, it takes one day at a time, take today to make the right steps towards the light, contact a suicide hotline in your area.

 

You got this!

 

Hugs!

 

Lisa

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...