I believe I was raped at a young age and don't remember.

Hello my names Lexi and what I'm about to say I've never told anyone. I am 16 years old and am confused, hurt and seeking closure. I am ashamed and scared of what I've done as it seams very weird and unusual. After reading of signs of sexual abuse in children I realize I exhibit a lot of symptoms that's still bother me today. If anyone could help me find answers I'd be eternally grateful.

I guess the first thing you should know is I suspect my abuser was my father. I feel very uncomfortable around him and anxious. A hug makes me feel as though I'm about to vomit. My mother recently told me that my cousin accused him of raping her, as well as that he used to own a prostitution business. He is bipolar and extremely physically abusive.

My symptoms seam to of began when I was around four. I acted out in class, throwing vases and chairs, flat out just walking out of the building. When I acted out they sent me home with my mom and I felt safe. I remember also at this age meeting behind some shelves during class with this kid alex. We showed each other our genitals and touched each others courteously.

In around second grade my best friend(same gender) and I played sexual games where we would jump each other and roll around. Sometimes run through clothing and roll play. We also used to make our dolls have sex. This was before I knew what sex was.

In the bath I used to play with naked barbies and touch there privates. I also had ping pong balls and would let them float under my legs pretending my body was a museum on display for perves to enjoy. I was probably around 9-10. I did similar things with stuffed animals and began humping pillows and such craving the sexual feeling although I still didn't know what sex was. I am very ashamed of this but there was also a point that I allowed my dog to lick my privates.

I told kids on the school bus bazaar stories of what I thought sex was and didn't know the truth till about third grade.

I was extremely distant and secretive with my parents. I didn't tell them who my friends where, if I had a crush, I even kept my period from my mom for quite sometime. I still feel this way sometimes.

I had an imaginary friends growing up and we would explore at nighttime, I was a fearful child. Scared of the dark as I still am. I had nightmares almost every night and wet the bed consistently until I was about 9 and it still happens on occasion now.

I am extremely withdraw from those around me and not open. I have had panic attacks durning sex and although I feel very "horny" (I masterbate a couple times daily) I don't enjoy sex. It is something I have a hard time saying no to because I want to do it for the other person. Sex for me has always been about the other person.

I have terrible anxiety and depression. I believe I may be bipolar, I self harmed (recovered) and have phases of numbness I can't seam to overcome.

My father seams like the type that could abuse a child, I don't know if he could his own but he always makes comments at me that make me feel otherwise. He's called me a , when I wear anything remotely reviling he points out that he can see my " and ass". I don't remember much from my childhood, I grew up in a pretty rough place and I think it's quite possible that he abused me and I blocked it out. I have a bad habit of pushing painful things away and forgetting them entirely. I just need closure and answers. I've even resorted to lying to my boyfriend saying I'm certain it happened and I remember although I feel terrible. It's just the desire for an explanation, why am I feeling like this? Why am I uncomfortable with my father? Why can't I enjoy sex with the man I love? Why did I act so strangely in my childhood before I even knew what sec was?

Please any advice or answers would help!!

Lots of love, lex

Under review.

Thread re-opened.

I'm not gonna say it didn't happen, but maybe you're uncomfortable around your dad because he's a physically and emotionally abusive jerk?

I think you maybe reading in too much things you did as a child before you "knew what sex was." LOTs of kids do unusual, but completely innocent stuff before they know what sex is. Lord knows what I did. I was 100% certain feces were involved with making babies for whatever reason. ALL kids are just plain sexually curious, even before they know what sex is. Unless they are hurting other people, ANYTHING a child does is COMPLETELY INNOCENT.

If you have never been to a therapist about this, and it seems like you haven't, I would and tell them about this. I should note, however, that there was a spate of incidents of therapists suggesting sexual abuse occurred to their patients that never happened, although I don't hear about this much anymore.

At the end of the day though, you're never going to know for sure that your dad did this unless other people come forward or he confesses.

i am fairly certain this gets reposted time after time, under different accounts.

if this has been bothering you for so long, seeing a therapist would be of more benefit that extorting an online forum into deciding that you were abused. there's no way we can confirm your suspicion.

it's been said every time you posted it, that every single manifestation you describe has various possible causes, none of which are less likely to be the origin of your symptomatic picture than sexual abuse is. insistence on victimhood and forged memories of assault are likewise symptoms of various disturbances, which a therapist could help heaps with, in case they're present.

Regardless of the origins of your distress, therapy is remedial. Even proven abuse victims often don't regain full (or any) recollection of an original trauma, and most therapeutic modalities don't need (and don't expect, force, or encourage) the pt to remember it. Treatment success isn't dependent on knowing the external facts of activating events.

you can get help from your school counselor or psychologist, and your MD.

Regardless of why you experience these problems, they make life unnecessarily difficult. So i would skip the guessing game about the past, and get help for my present.

Thank you guys very much. Because my parents had a very aggressive divorce I was forced into therapy practically my whole life but it never helped. I feel as though no matter how hard I try I can't open up with a stranger. Although I just posted this online, it's a lot easier when someone isn't sitting across from me looking me in the eye and expecting me to tell them my secrets. I realize if I had he courage to open up with one it would most likely help however I seem to not be able to. I am currently not in therapy but maybe this online post proves I may be getting close to being ready to open up. Thankyou both for your help and support(:

Seeing as there is a difficult family situation at play, would you try counseling with a social worker instead? Perhaps that would be helpful for finding practical solutions for living in this kind of family environment in the first place, since it certainly doesn't help your progress to be exposed to your father's behavior.

What do you feel went wrong in therapy? If an approach isn't working for you, we may be able to come with ideas of suggestions you could make to your therapist.

Physically I am safe now but thank you for your concern. I moved to a different state with my mom and things have been great there. I am still struggling emotionally though, and I just felt unable to talk to a therapist. It is easier for me to answer questions than to just bring things up so perhaps if I wrote a list or things concerning me and gave it to them? I've never done anything like that but I always feel more comfortable in writing than I do speaking. And from there I could answer questions. I don't know if this is something people normally do in therapy or how it would be accepted but it would be easier than simply just speaking and telling them everything on my mind.

perhaps if I wrote a list or things concerning me and gave it to them? I've never done anything like that but I always feel more comfortable in writing than I do speaking. And from there I could answer questions. I don't know if this is something people normally do in therapy or how it would be accepted but it would be easier than simply just speaking and telling them everything on my mind.

I don't see why any therapist would have a problem with this. My therapist would often give "assignments" to write out stuff so it could be talked out in the next session.