Questions for anyone who got back with their ex

I've asked this before but I thought I would seek more concrete answers because I'm curious.

Those who have gotten back with an ex, how in the world did you actually reconnect? I'm not speaking about who contacted who first, rather, I want to know how you got to know each other again and how you dealt with the breaking of trust/the rift that appears when it comes to a breakup.

In addition, how did you fare in the meantime - before you rekindled? When those pesky thoughts that threatened to make you sad came up, how did you swat them away? How did you move forward with your life while you were apart?

I got back together with my ex after 5 years of NC or LC> We just spoke one or two times on email. After we got back together things were great for 1 day but the third days things took a turn for the worse and we basically ended up hating each other after that.

Her guy she left me for broke up with her. She knew I was there went on for a year and a half and here I am left for another guy again.

Neither of these really answered my question though I am sorry that happened to both of you.

I've asked this before but I thought I would seek more concrete answers because I'm curious.

 

Those who have gotten back with an ex, how in the world did you actually reconnect? I'm not speaking about who contacted who first, rather, I want to know how you got to know each other again and how you dealt with the breaking of trust/the rift that appears when it comes to a breakup.

 

In addition, how did you fare in the meantime - before you rekindled? When those pesky thoughts that threatened to make you sad came up, how did you swat them away? How did you move forward with your life while you were apart?

During the time that we were apart, I dealt with that longing for him by focusing on my career and dating other people. I never looked back till 5 years later just due to a high-stress situation I was in that I was looking form help and he came to mind. Does that answer your question?

During the time that we were apart, I dealt with that longing for him by focusing on my career and dating other people. I never looked back till 5 years later just due to a high-stress situation I was in that I was looking form help and he came to mind. Does that answer your question?

It does! But still, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that kind of pain twice. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my thread regardless of your pain. I hope you're okay now?

As for me I thought I did answer your question. She reconnected with me because her relationship didn't work out

It does! But still, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that kind of pain twice.

Thanks! Yeah it was very painful but I ended up coping. I am now re-married and am still wondering about my ex , I wish I wouldn't!

As for me I thought I did answer your question. She reconnected with me because her relationship didn't work out

I apologize! I totally misread your post. Thank you for clarifying!

We rekindled after 3 years of no contact. In those years I dated a lot but also had great times with friends and family and long walks with my dog.

It started off not awkward and we got along great. There were no trust issues to our breakup so didn't have to overcome that. However about a year into it I think we both remembered why we broke up. I think he's an amazing person and think I am a ok as well. Together- we are not a match. And we ended it. There are exceptions to the rule for sure but I think when two people break up there is a reason and not likely to go well 2nd time around. (Or 3rd, 4th etc)

In my life I've only seen it happen once where a couple remarried post divorce. Never in a bad/gf get back together.

But to the getting to know each other part again- it was easy for me. It was like when we left off- no adjustment period except I had lost the rose tinted glasses of first time around love and thought "oh yes-isn't this familiar".

And longed for long walks with my dog.

There's an excellent thread about this topic

It's very long and filled with success stories and how it happened.

If you're looking for some hope and just be happy, I recommend a good read on those.

We rekindled after 3 years of no contact. In those years I dated a lot but also had great times with friends and family and long walks with my dog.

 

It started off not awkward and we got along great. There were no trust issues to our breakup so didn't have to overcome that. However about a year into it I think we both remembered why we broke up. I think he's an amazing person and think I am a ok as well. Together- we are not a match. And we ended it. There are exceptions to the rule for sure but I think when two people break up there is a reason and not likely to go well 2nd time around. (Or 3rd, 4th etc)

 

In my life I've only seen it happen once where a couple remarried post divorce. Never in a bad/gf get back together.

 

But to the getting to know each other part again- it was easy for me. It was like when we left off- no adjustment period except I had lost the rose tinted glasses of first time around love and thought "oh yes-isn't this familiar".

 

And longed for long walks with my dog.

Than you so much for your answer

There's an excellent thread about this topic

 

 

 

It's very long and filled with success stories and how it happened.

 

If you're looking for some hope and just be happy, I recommend a good read on those.

You bet I've already gone through that entire thread LOL

I found that a lot of the tiem people don't get down to the nitty gritty of the difficult parts of reconnecting. I think I'll comb through to find more.

You bet I've already gone through that entire thread LOL

 

I found that a lot of the tiem people don't get down to the nitty gritty of the difficult parts of reconnecting. I think I'll comb through to find more.

It's a great thread to read if you just want to feel good.

I love success stories even if they don't apply to me, but knowing that it is possible it kinda gives me a warm feeling. Not that I expect my ex to come back, but I'm a romantic and I love reading about great stories.

Reconnecting is hard because all relationships are different and end for all sorts of reasons and there's no magic formula for a get back together solution. What works for one, won't work for others. Sometimes it's really over and it's just 1 party clinging to the past.

Sometimes it's pride and stubbornness, etc. etc.

In my case, I was the dumpee and I made my feelings clear, so the ball is on her side if she ever wants to reconnect, which I know won't happen and I've come to accept that, but I still read those stories...they're heart warming

Anyone else have answers for this?

I've asked this before but I thought I would seek more concrete answers because I'm curious.

 

Those who have gotten back with an ex, how in the world did you actually reconnect? I'm not speaking about who contacted who first, rather, I want to know how you got to know each other again and how you dealt with the breaking of trust/the rift that appears when it comes to a breakup.

 

In addition, how did you fare in the meantime - before you rekindled? When those pesky thoughts that threatened to make you sad came up, how did you swat them away? How did you move forward with your life while you were apart?

I hope you don't mind that I'm not speaking from experience but I can dive into one of the stories I typed in the big "Getting back together really does happen" thread.

It's the one where my friend and her now husband were broken up for 9 months. I met my friend in the middle of those 9 months and we talked a great deal about breakups because I was going through it too. They broke up due to fights when he was stressed about maybe picking the wrong path in life.

How my friend fared in the meantime - she started online dating, started sleeping with her former TA (lol), went out a lot with friends, pretty much saw 3 guys in those 9 months (TA, guy she met online, and the guy she went on 2 dates with)

How they reconnected - He contacted her, even though she was already 2 dates deep (not so deep lol) with another guy. My friend thought the guy she went on dates with was cute, but there was always something missing. She was still crying over her ex even at the 9th month.

How they dealt with the broken trust from the break-up - When they started seeing each other again, my friend group did not agree with it. We saw it as 2 choices for her: a clean slate (new guy) vs. the one who broke her heart. Things between them moved really fast the second time around. After he reached out, they met up, and he wanted to know what she had been up to and she told him EVERYTHING - who she was seeing, slept with, etc. He was fine with it. During their talk, they only talked about what happened in those 9 months but never about what went wrong before and how they will deal with it in the future. I guess they didn't feel like they needed to.

They both knew they were meant to be because they "fit each other like a glove" (her words). They're married now.

Valavoo - is this your first break-up? While I never really had an ex come back to me (yet - ahem recent ex *fingers crossed*), I moved on from my previous ones by being into someone else. The reason why I'm having a hard time right now in "moving on" to someone else is because I'm feeling rather low on the self-esteem front and have been hiding out at home a lot.

I hope you don't mind that I'm not speaking from experience but I can dive into one of the stories I typed in the big "Getting back together really does happen" thread.

It's the one where my friend and her now husband were broken up for 9 months. I met my friend in the middle of those 9 months and we talked a great deal about breakups because I was going through it too. They broke up due to fights when he was stressed about maybe picking the wrong path in life.

 

How my friend fared in the meantime - she started online dating, started sleeping with her former TA (lol), went out a lot with friends, pretty much saw 3 guys in those 9 months (TA, guy she met online, and the guy she went on 2 dates with)

 

How they reconnected - He contacted her, even though she was already 2 dates deep (not so deep lol) with another guy. My friend thought the guy she went on dates with was cute, but there was always something missing. She was still crying over her ex even at the 9th month.

 

How they dealt with the broken trust from the break-up - When they started seeing each other again, my friend group did not agree with it. We saw it as 2 choices for her: a clean slate (new guy) vs. the one who broke her heart. Things between them moved really fast the second time around. After he reached out, they met up, and he wanted to know what she had been up to and she told him EVERYTHING - who she was seeing, slept with, etc. He was fine with it. During their talk, they only talked about what happened in those 9 months but never about what went wrong before and how they will deal with it in the future. I guess they didn't feel like they needed to.

 

They both knew they were meant to be because they "fit each other like a glove" (her words). They're married now.

 

Valavoo - is this your first break-up? While I never really had an ex come back to me (yet - ahem recent ex *fingers crossed*), I moved on from my previous ones by being into someone else. The reason why I'm having a hard time right now in "moving on" to someone else is because I'm feeling rather low on the self-esteem front and have been hiding out at home a lot.

I'm not super sure how your question is relevant I'm not looking to move on, because that means forgetting about your ex and never going back. I also don't think how many relationships one has had should dictate the maturity of the relationship or whether one should move on or not. I ESPECIALLY don't want to date other people. Apologies if I'm off the mark with interpreting your questions - it's just that a lot of people on this forum tend to assume someone is immature and the solution to every little relationship problem is "move on". ;u;

However, to your other point, it's totally fine that the story isn't about you. I was just curious, because a lot of reconciliation stories skip to the happy ending.

I'm not super sure how your question is relevant I'm not looking to move on, because that means forgetting about your ex and never going back. I also don't think how many relationships one has had should dictate the maturity of the relationship or whether one should move on or not. I ESPECIALLY don't want to date other people. Apologies if I'm off the mark with interpreting your questions - it's just that a lot of people on this forum tend to assume someone is immature and the solution to every little relationship problem is "move on". ;u;

 

However, to your other point, it's totally fine that the story isn't about you. I was just curious, because a lot of reconciliation stories skip to the happy ending.

Oh, Im sorry! I didn't mean my question to be offensive by any means. It was just out of curiosity! I wanted to know your background more since I've seen a lot of your posts.

I agree with the not trying to move on part. I'm conflicted everyday. My past 3 breakups, I was DETERMINED to move on because there was a 3rd party involved. This one doesn't. I guess I was also more confident then too and not now. I feel everyday that it's not over between me and my ex even though our last text exchange was very platonic. A part of me doesn't want to move on, but a part of me thinks I'm just getting myself more hurt than ever. I don't have the desire to date other people too.

People say "move on" or "CHOOSE to be happy" as if it's so easy. It's really not.

I have another story - my friend was hung up on her ex because they were together for a few years and even lived together. Her ex started dating someone else and my friend just got demoted as a best friend. My friend and her ex would still hang out, cook together but it's always after her ex's new person would leave her apartment (my friend and her ex's apartments are across the street from each other after the break-up). My friend saw pretty much the first 6 months of her ex's relationship blossom through the stuff lying around the ex's apartment. One day my friend saw a note saying "I love you" that the new person probably left in the apartment and that's when my friend cut off contact with the ex.

How silly of the ex to think that my friend can just move from being together and being a "best friend" in an instant. Anyway, it took my friend 3 YEARS or more to get over her. It was painful to see. I've read somewhere that if you still haven't moved on from someone after 3 years, then there is something wrong psychologically. One day years later, her ex messaged her wanting to meet because of an "emergency". My friend met up with her ex for the first time in years (still hung up on her) and saw that her ex is not the same anymore. Her ex wanted to get back together. That was when she realized she didn't want her ex anymore, even though literally the day before she was still sad about her ex.

I don't know why but I felt like posting that story. I think it's one of those times in the day that I'm conflicted in thinking that maybe I'm just chasing what was before but it's not as it seems anymore.

Oh, Im sorry! I didn't mean my question to be offensive by any means. It was just out of curiosity! I wanted to know your background more since I've seen a lot of your posts.

 

I agree with the not trying to move on part. I'm conflicted everyday. My past 3 breakups, I was DETERMINED to move on because there was a 3rd party involved. This one doesn't. I guess I was also more confident then too and not now. I feel everyday that it's not over between me and my ex even though our last text exchange was very platonic. A part of me doesn't want to move on, but a part of me thinks I'm just getting myself more hurt than ever. I don't have the desire to date other people too.

 

People say "move on" or "CHOOSE to be happy" as if it's so easy. It's really not.

 

I have another story - my friend was hung up on her ex because they were together for a few years and even lived together. Her ex started dating someone else and my friend just got demoted as a best friend. My friend and her ex would still hang out, cook together but it's always after her ex's new person would leave her apartment (my friend and her ex's apartments are across the street from each other after the break-up). My friend saw pretty much the first 6 months of her ex's relationship blossom through the stuff lying around the ex's apartment. One day my friend saw a note saying "I love you" that the new person probably left in the apartment and that's when my friend cut off contact with the ex.

How silly of the ex to think that my friend can just move from being together and being a "best friend" in an instant. Anyway, it took my friend 3 YEARS or more to get over her. It was painful to see. I've read somewhere that if you still haven't moved on from someone after 3 years, then there is something wrong psychologically. One day years later, her ex messaged her wanting to meet because of an "emergency". My friend met up with her ex for the first time in years (still hung up on her) and saw that her ex is not the same anymore. Her ex wanted to get back together. That was when she realized she didn't want her ex anymore, even though literally the day before she was still sad about her ex.

 

I don't know why but I felt like posting that story. I think it's one of those times in the day that I'm conflicted in thinking that maybe I'm just chasing what was before but it's not as it seems anymore.

Quite alright. I'm glad you're not attacking me. I think the best thing to do right now is to live each day as it's own separate entity. There is no real time period for getting back with an ex or the dreaded "move on". I think we've gotta be a little nicer to ourselves.

The problem here is that when we are uncertain, we go negative. See if you don't hear from your ex you (and a lot of forum members) think that they're gone 100% and won't come back and they don't miss you. But what if they DO miss you? What if they're wanting to come back but don't know how? I think it's perfectly reasonable to accept the unknown IS unknown, and even in some cases look at it positively. Any other stories ya got?

Quite alright. I'm glad you're not attacking me. I think the best thing to do right now is to live each day as it's own separate entity. There is no real time period for getting back with an ex or the dreaded "move on". I think we've gotta be a little nicer to ourselves.

 

The problem here is that when we are uncertain, we go negative. See if you don't hear from your ex you (and a lot of forum members) think that they're gone 100% and won't come back and they don't miss you. But what if they DO miss you? What if they're wanting to come back but don't know how? I think it's perfectly reasonable to accept the unknown IS unknown, and even in some cases look at it positively. Any other stories ya got?

Hmm, not sure if this applies but I'll go for it. I did reconnect with my ex after we broke up the first time, we dated for about 2 years, and broke up for 6 months the first time-his choice. He was trying to move forward and so was I, but I knew I wanted him back. We had kept in touch on and off threw the breakup, mostly my doing , sometimes I'd get a reply sometimes not, he finally agreed to try and be friends, we met had coffee a few times ect, after a few weeks I asked if we could try again..we did but sadly it only last about 8 months the second time around ..I think it's worse the second time because you really try and correct your mistakes from the first attempt , you give a bit more, try and bit harder, and still to fail at it. Anyways that was just over a year ago..it's been about 11 solid months no contact ..I have seen him around town, and do say hi if he's out in public and I'm close enough to do so..I did get a grumble -hi back the one time lol. I know he's out living his life, and I am to. But yes I do think are exs think about us, assuming things didn't end because of cheating, lieing ect . People grow and change. Some may not ever want to look back, others do in fact get back together.

I think in order for a reconnect to be possible both sides need to go there separate ways for awhile. Date other people maybe, make new friends. I mean how do you know they were the right one or vice versa if you don't experience other people .. maybe there is a better match out there, maybe not. Sometimes it's better to keep the relationship alive only in your mind also. Not saying don't move on, but having a little hope isn't a bad thing . Just don't let it hold you back from getting to know new interesting people ..as far as reconnecting and how and when to do it - there's no right or wrong time I don't think, if you can reach out and be ok with a negative response ,or no response then sure go for it, but if you feel it may damage all that you gained during your time apart then I'd wait..I'm not a big fan of one size fits all NC either ..there's nothing wrong with being positive. Just don't let it consume you. There is a time to let go. We're all different though. Are choices are half chance, and so are everybody else's .

Hmm, not sure if this applies but I'll go for it. I did reconnect with my ex after we broke up the first time, we dated for about 2 years, and broke up for 6 months the first time-his choice. He was trying to move forward and so was I, but I knew I wanted him back. We had kept in touch on and off threw the breakup, mostly my doing , sometimes I'd get a reply sometimes not, he finally agreed to try and be friends, we met had coffee a few times ect, after a few weeks I asked if we could try again..we did but sadly it only last about 8 months the second time around ..I think it's worse the second time because you really try and correct your mistakes from the first attempt , you give a bit more, try and bit harder, and still to fail at it. Anyways that was just over a year ago..it's been about 11 solid months no contact ..I have seen him around town, and do say hi if he's out in public and I'm close enough to do so..I did get a grumble -hi back the one time lol. I know he's out living his life, and I am to. But yes I do think are exs think about us, assuming things didn't end because of cheating, lieing ect . People grow and change. Some may not ever want to look back, others do in fact get back together.

I think in order for a reconnect to be possible both sides need to go there separate ways for awhile. Date other people maybe, make new friends. I mean how do you know they were the right one or vice versa if you don't experience other people .. maybe there is a better match out there, maybe not. Sometimes it's better to keep the relationship alive only in your mind also. Not saying don't move on, but having a little hope isn't a bad thing . Just don't let it hold you back from getting to know new interesting people ..as far as reconnecting and how and when to do it - there's no right or wrong time I don't think, if you can reach out and be ok with a negative response ,or no response then sure go for it, but if you feel it may damage all that you gained during your time apart then I'd wait..I'm not a big fan of one size fits all NC either ..there's nothing wrong with being positive. Just don't let it consume you. There is a time to let go. We're all different though. Are choices are half chance, and so are everybody else's .

This totally counts! Any and all stories are allowed - doesn't have to be a happy ending because I'm just curious. It helps me greatly to see the kinds of real human interactions others have. It gives me something I like to call "realistic hope". You are probably a great person and I'm sorry that you had to go through that.

Quite alright. I'm glad you're not attacking me. I think the best thing to do right now is to live each day as it's own separate entity. There is no real time period for getting back with an ex or the dreaded "move on". I think we've gotta be a little nicer to ourselves.

 

The problem here is that when we are uncertain, we go negative. See if you don't hear from your ex you (and a lot of forum members) think that they're gone 100% and won't come back and they don't miss you. But what if they DO miss you? What if they're wanting to come back but don't know how? I think it's perfectly reasonable to accept the unknown IS unknown, and even in some cases look at it positively. Any other stories ya got?

For the most part, please don't view the posts here as an attack towards you. This place has really helped me and I view it as a positive thing. Although, there are posts here that are enviable and they don't really know it. Those posts are frustrating with their "Oh, my ex wants me back but I can't overlook what they did DURING the breakup..." DURING the breakup. Not DURING the relationship. Ack!

I think it's safer to go negative. At least it will soften the blow a little. This is my problem right now, I go both positive and negative. The positive thoughts get me by so that I'm not 100% unhappy, but I'm being brought down by the reality of "if my ex really wanted me, she would reach out."

For the most part, please don't view the posts here as an attack towards you. This place has really helped me and I view it as a positive thing. Although, there are posts here that are enviable and they don't really know it. Those posts are frustrating with their "Oh, my ex wants me back but I can't overlook what they did DURING the breakup..." DURING the breakup. Not DURING the relationship. Ack!

 

I think it's safer to go negative. At least it will soften the blow a little. This is my problem right now, I go both positive and negative. The positive thoughts get me by so that I'm not 100% unhappy, but I'm being brought down by the reality of "if my ex really wanted me, she would reach out."

Nah, people here can get pretty mean. Also there's a difference between reality check and pessimism. I think that if it helps you to go negative, then I support that! However, for me, that just makes it a hell of a lot worse.

The positive thoughts get me by so that I'm not 100% unhappy, but I'm being brought down by the reality of "if my ex really wanted me, she would reach out."

I might be off topic or off the mark with this next but -- consider a different angle. In a very basic masculine/feminine construct, and maybe depending on culture of origin, the "she" in a relationship dynamic is conventionally either expected or trained to be the receiver or the one who selects yes or no when approached. Conventionally the "he" is the one to make the approach/proposition. The "she" can give cues and sometimes very bold ones, that she's interested and available to approach -- but primitively it's still expected on some level that if a "he" is interested and wants her company, he's going to make the moves. Sometimes without waiting for cues. This is either decisive or just aggressive, depending on your filter. And of course now with contemporary and fluid gender roles and dynamics, maybe that primitive convention is outdated and less often adhered to, but some vestiges of those expectations and/or native impulses or roles remain.

For sure today the roles can be completely inverted. If your "she" is the more masculine and direct, or typically the leader of the relationship interaction, ok. If the "he" of your relationship is more a passive or somewhat introverted (different strengths) type of masculine, and more a recipient or typically reticent/indirect in the relationship, ok. You may find that a direct person will continue to be direct even after breakup, or that a typically indirect/reticent person will continue to be reticent. You may also find that the directness you thought you could count on is suddenly altogether gone, or that the typically non assertive person will suddenly assert itself most passionately. It's always kind of a toss up.

But one thing to keep in mind is that as we endure the strangeness of breakup or separations, many times we are also thinking on some level what it means to be a proper masculine or feminine. And those old conventions may come into play as we consider how to navigate or express or even experience our pain. A "she" may find that in order to feel like the "she" that she is -- direct or not -- she needs the "he" to behave in a traditional masculine way: by approaching her of his own volition, decisively and possibly without cues. And a "he" may find that in order to feel fully the "he" that he is -- assertive or not -- he needs the "she" to wait for him to approach, and then for her to be receptive and open to his proposition (or apology or whatever).

Just food for thought. Gender roles and conventions aren't nailed down anymore, so it's true enough that we each are fluid in our expressions of what used to be more clearly "masculine" or "feminine" qualities. Also that our expressions of both may change significantly depending on who we interact with and how their "M" or "F" show up. But I feel concerned sometimes when it looks like men expect women to be assertive to close a relationship gap, or when women are annoyed or put off when men make what are reasonably traditional masculine relationship gestures. Those traditional ways have been around a long time, and are possibly inborn, even if today they are all up for question and changing.

If we take all the gender out of it and consider ourselves only souls, the question is then really, "Who is going to lead this relationship right now?" Then it's imperative to remember that a ship is only going to drift, if no one takes the helm.

Heyyyy it's my favorite human on this forum XD