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Living hell inside my house, my mom is a hateful and overall bad person


Lovelavie

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My relationship with my mom was never a good one. On my previous threads you can see there were many moments of emotional and physical abuse. We never got along and after almost 13 years of hell (I'm 23 and this has been happening since I was 11, I have always been blamed for her "unhappiness") I have come to realize she is just frustrated with herself and has a life she hates and projects this hate on me. I'm young, I'm on the right track to becoming an independent woman, I have always been a "normal" person, never got in trouble out of my house, gratuaded, got a job and I've come to realize she is sometimes jealous of me, whenever I am happy with something she makes sure to destroy my happiness, she never smiles or congratulates me for something, she basically has abandonded me inside my house, it's like I don't even exist there. My brother is 15, gets bad grades, he flunked last year and gets in a lot more trouble than I ever have inside my house but the way she treats me is way worse. She yells at him and all, but you can see the hate she has for me when she yells at me and how she doesn't even look at me every single day I get home from work. I say hi and I get silence. I've gotten used to having an awful mom, I've given up on trying to have a loving and caring relationship with her, so all I really am happy for is when she leaves me alone at the end of the day. Every day without a fight is a win. After 13 years, I've accepted that I'm not the problem.

 

Anyways, ever since I was 17 I go to the gym and try to lead a somewhat healthy lifestyle. At first it was hard for my mom to change habits and buy healthy stuff for me but as time went on more healthy food was in the house. Now, ever since I graduated, it's like I stopped exisiting. I was unemployed and I had only a few money per month from my dad to go out and stuff, so I barely ever went to the market, and had to buy stuff for me to eat and spend money on that instead of saving up because my mom simply stopped buying food that I eat, not only that, but recently she has stopped even making food that I like, and she KNOWS it, she just makes food for her, my dad and my brother. Fine, no problem, I'll make my own food. However, I do NOT have the money to buy food for myself and pay my other bills and still save up. So, I can't use the kitchen, because instead of teaching me how to properly leave things the way she wants to (I've asked a million times and she never says so, so I just clean the kitchen the way I think it's supposed to be cleaned) she has also prohibited me from buying food. So I'm stuck in a house where there's only junk food (my 15 year old brother lives off cookies and chips and ketchup) and food I don't like (and haven't like in years and she knows it).

 

So I'm here at work, and she sends me this huge text message saying I can no longer cook or buy food. So what's the point of living in this ing house? One where I have to spend my own money (which to get groceries for a month will go half my salary when clearly my parents CAN help me with food so I can save up for my future, life in Brazil is VERY expensive and at the end of the month I barely have any money left). Also, she doesn't even work, the money isn't hers, all she does is stay home all day complaining about her awful life instead of going after something. My dad is always neutral to this situation because he's always out of the hosue working and never gets involved. I feel stuck here, because I want to have my independecy and leave this hell of a house yet my mom ALWAYS does something to screw with me, no matter what it is, she always gets in my way to make things harder for me just for the heck of it, for no particular reason other than hating on me.

 

I can't even concetrate on my work because this monster is always making a hell out of my life, she can't stand to see me moving on with my life. I feel stuck here because I want her out of my life and all she does is make things harder, if she hates me so much she should just ing let me go and forget I exist and stop demanding things like you can't use your dad's money when she hasn't even spoken to him, and my dad is a sweet heart who I can always talk to and is always nice and caring with me, the complete opposite from this monster! She makes my life harded just for the sake of it, not because "I need to learn a lesson", not because of anything, simply because she is a hateful and mean person. I can do 99% things "right" (because to her it doesn't matter who you are, just what you are inside the house, she doesn't know anything about my life because she never cares to know) I can't stand this anymore, I do nothing wrong and it feels like I pay for something my entire life has been this hell... I have accepted not having a mom anywhere near what I wished I had but I can't live with someone who completely shuts me off from basically living inside my own house when it's even up to her to make these financial decisions

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I'm so sorry for your struggle. Living with a non-caring non-loving parent is horrible. It sounds like you have come to grips with your mother's treatment of you. Now you have to leave. Unfortunately you don't get to save up and live off your parents for awhile longer, you just have to go and start building your life. You need to be out of that house. You need to stop depending on your parents for anything. It's clear that you can't expect support from them, so you need to step up and support yourself. Their house isn't yours. You are 23, you are a full adult by many years at this point. She clearly isn't happy about supporting you and is deliberately making your life harder. It's time to leave. You might have to stay in a way less nice place, you'll have to buy your own food and pay your own bills... that is what 23 year olds do. That is why they are all broke. Think of it as building your future with your independence instead of savings.

 

Having zero money is way better then living with someone who doesn't like or respect you. Even worse when that person was supposed to be a parent.

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I was out of the house and living away from my parents by the time I was 19. If you are so unhappy, why don't you get out of there and find a flat mate situation?

 

You work and you are old enough to be on your own. Time to stop blaming your mother for keeping you there and do the research etc that you need to start doing to find your own place. As an adult you can do it.

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I have done research, I earn R$2000 a month and to rent a place here is AT LEAST R$700,00 along with other expenses (R$ 600 on gas, R$ 300 at least on groceries, I am left with R$ 400 to buy my meds, cell phone and other small bills aren't enough). Trust me, this is my biggest wish but I don't earn enough to make it all work and it frustrates me. My dad has always helped me financially, and he said he would help me to get out of the house but right now they're building a new house so we're short on money. But I know I can count on my dad for help, only not now.

 

I simply don't get it. My mom buys stuff to cook and she allows my brother (who is FREAKING 15!!!!!!!) to cook and he leaves it all dirty but I can't cook???? She just hates on me for no reason whatsoever. Worst person in my life I feel hate towards her, I dislike her so much, she's the worst thing that's ever happened in my life.

 

I really would like to understand why some people decide to have kids if they're prone to just hate on them and blame them for your unhappiness, might as well never have kids, at least I wouldn't want to if my only choice was having this kind of relationship with them

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She was abused herself by her father when she was young and she lost her mom to cancer when I was born so she just repeats this cycle of abuse on me and she has even said herself that she does this because her dad did the same thing to her and I "deserve" to feel what she felt. She's a cruel person. Thankfully I am aware of this and I wish to have a family someday and treat my children with nothing but love, I know I'm going to have to try hard but I don't ever want to make anyone feel the way she makes me feel.

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Why not check in to situations where someone is looking for a roommate? My first roommate was a college- aged woman like I was, and i also rented out a room from someone whose kid graduated form college and moved out of state. I had a key to my room that they did not have. I basically went to work and class and then i went there at night to sleep. It worked out really well. I see ads in the paper and online all the time of 1-3 girls looking for a 4th roommate - they could be medical students - nurse or doctor who are really busy and like the multi roommate thing because they all just need a place to crash. I also see ads from people looking to sublet -- they accepted a job out of town and there is 2-7 months left in their lease and they rent at a deep discount just to recoup some money.

 

Also, would dad let you live with him for a short time so you could save the money?

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I have done research, I earn R$2000 a month and to rent a place here is AT LEAST R$700,00 along with other expenses (R$ 600 on gas, R$ 300 at least on groceries, I am left with R$ 400 to buy my meds, cell phone and other small bills aren't enough). Trust me, this is my biggest wish but I don't earn enough to make it all work and it frustrates me.

 

This is what adults face. You can do it. You need to find roommates. And maybe move closer to your work so you don't have to spend that much money on gas. It's HARD to make it on your own. But you have to.

 

Until you leave you don't have a leg to stand on. It's her house. You are a adult that should be supporting yourself. She's clearly an mean jerk... but complaining about it and focusing on all the ways she is mean won't help you at all. You can't fix her. There is nothing you can say or do at this point that will start getting her to treat you with respect. Your only option is to move out.

 

My first apartment was a one bedroom that was shared by 4 people. It sucked. But it was the only thing I could afford at the time. I changed how I spent money, how I ate, what bills I had. I changed everything so I could be independent.

 

You can not start to heal from your mother while still living in her house taking notes on every time she treats you badly. You can move out. You just don't want to. Because no matter how awful your mom is she is still supporting you. You can't heal, you can't be free, you can't even start, until you are independent.

 

Don't focus on why your mom is the way she is. (That work will come later) Focus on your life. How to be who you want to be. She messed up your head and your childhood... but the rest is up to you.

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I have done research, I earn R$2000 a month and to rent a place here is AT LEAST R$700,00 along with other expenses (R$ 600 on gas, R$ 300 at least on groceries, I am left with R$ 400 to buy my meds, cell phone and other small bills aren't enough). Trust me, this is my biggest wish but I don't earn enough to make it all work and it frustrates me
You can rent with a friend or find a room mate situation that wouldn't be as expensive. You are making another excuse to stay for some reason.

 

. My dad has always helped me financially, and he said he would help me to get out of the house but right now they're building a new house so we're short on money. But I know I can count on my dad for help, only not now.
Then look into renting one room with room mate(s).

 

I simply don't get it. My mom buys stuff to cook and she allows my brother (who is FREAKING 15!!!!!!!) to cook and he leaves it all dirty but I can't cook????
Get your own stove in your own place and cook your heart out.

 

She just hates on me for no reason whatsoever. Worst person in my life I feel hate towards her, I dislike her so much, she's the worst thing that's ever happened in my life.
and I'm more then sure that that feeling projects out of you like arrows right into the bulls eye of your mother. Do you really think that she's not picking up on the animosity. I know you're angry and feeling abused but you get back what you put out and the two of you are horn-lockers. Get yourself together and GET OUT.

 

I really would like to understand why some people decide to have kids if they're prone to just hate on them and blame them for your unhappiness,
She probably said the same thing that you're saying that when she has kids she's going to treat them well but if she never got the therapy to help her to come to terms with her abusive upbringing then she wouldn't have to tools to be a patient mother.

might as well never have kids, at least I wouldn't want to if my only choice was having this kind of relationship I'd have with them
Like I said, she probably didn't set out the be a beeotch to you. She just doesn't have the patience or the proper mental tools in place to be able to deal.

 

No point whining about it. Just do something to get yourself out of it.

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Thank yuo for the replies. I will certainly be looking into moving to another place, anywhere I can afford and make it work. It doesn't make sense to be 23 years old and have a parent prohibiting you from eating at your house and refusing to buy food for only you and making sure there's plenty of food for the rest of the household (cookies, chips, frozen meals and sugary junk are always abundant at home, ask her if she could buy some fruits and vegetables and she'll claim "she forgot" to buy them. Yeah, you've been forgetting for 5 years now, I stopped asking a while back because it was useless.

 

I just feel sad, I have all these emotions inside of me. I have accepted the fact that she's an abusive mother and I will never be good enough for her. I just hope that once I'm gone she'll stop trying to screw me over. She has no power over me besides the fact that I live with her because the money comes from my dad.

(she always tries to manipulate my dad into not give me money or pay for stuff like graduation or a language course, let alone give me a gift or something. Now she's gonna manipulate him into not letting me buy food, like she has done with everything else... has taken my credit card, phone and car away simply because she can and has the power to do so)

 

My dad works in another city so he only comes home on the weekends, on the weekdays my mom and brother eat out so there isn't anything to eat at home... so I started buying food for myself or else I'd have to live off things that aren't even food! This is frustrating, how can a mother treat her own child like this? It's beyond bizarre... All I know is that I just want to get as far away from her as I can...

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like she has done with everything else... has taken my credit card, phone and car away simply because she can and has the power to do so)
Did you actually buy that car she took away? Did you purchase the phone and pay the monthly bill for usage? Do you pay the credit card bill?

 

If the answer to any of those questions is 'no' then you're sounding awfully entitled. My parents never paid for or bought me a car, a phone nor did they pay my credit card bills.

 

When she took all of those things away, did she give you a reason why she was doing it?

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I didn't pay for the car but I did pay for the cell phone. Also, it's on my dad's name and he was the one who paid for it and he has NEVER taken away anything from me as some kind of punishment. What I'm complaining about is not the fact that she actually takes my things away, but the fact that she does it just for her own amusement, just because she wants to be cruel, not because there actually has a reason to. Hell, if there is then my brother has a million more and he does whatever he wants in the house.

 

In fact, he is way more troubled (he's a good kid but he's kind of sloppy and doesn't wanna study and all of that kind of thing) than I was when I was his age and he gets a better overall treatment, in the sense that she's not always "mad" at him. She is caring towards him, hugs him every once in a while, but with me, it's always a harsh cold treatment, I always have the feeling that I'm doing something wrong inside my own house even when I stop and think about there is nothing actually going on. I just don't get what this hate towards me is about, she is nice to everyone else but me. When she yells, I speak in a calm voice, I never yell, I stay quiet most of the time and just accept it. I always get the vibe that she doesn't realize I'm her daughter, not some jerk living off of their money. I'm doing everything I can to become independet anyway. Also, I have gotten this treatment ever since I'm 11, so it's obviously not about the money, she stands me because I'm family, but I'm sure if she had the choice she'd rather have me gone or dead.

 

I have tried everything in order to get her acceptance and it's impossible, I've stopped trying, I just do my things and stay in my room isolated. It works but it's not ideal, especially when she freaks out out of nowhere. Yesterday I was at work and she texted me that message, couldn't she have waited until I got home? She ruined my day and I couldn't focus on my work for the rest of the time because I was so nervous about her attitude.

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She will never accept you, Lovelavie. And as regards your brother well this is the typical "golden child" syndrome.

 

"She is caring towards him, hugs him every once in a while, but with me, it's always a harsh cold treatment, "

 

 

"The scarring and hurt that comes from a toxic parent probably isn’t something we talk about enough. None of us are perfect, including our parents, but there is a point at which imperfect becomes destructive, taking away from children the love, warmth and nurturing they deserve and replacing it with something awful.

 

When children are raised on a diet of criticism, judgement, abuse and loathing, it’s only a matter of time before they take over from those parents, delivering with full force to themselves the toxic lashings that have been delivered to them.

 

Toxic parents come in many shapes. Some are so obvious that they can be spotted from space through the eye of a needle. Some are a bit more subtle. All are destructive."

 

From:

 

 

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Lovelavie.

 

You need to get out of this toxic situation, somehow. This is not about a non-caring parent.

 

Check this out:

 

"Will I ever be good enough" by Dr. Karyl McBride.

 

and:

 

 

 

I have been through hell and back with this. For years I thought I wasn't good enough, when I was in relationships and got into a fight I would always hear my mom's voice in the back of my head: You deserve it, you're not good enough anyway, you'll never be a good person, you're worthless... It took me years and medication to fight off depression and to accept me who I am and actually love myself enough to know I deserve better. But it wasn't easy. What gets me by is that now I know I'm not the problem, but all those years thinking I was got me suicidal and self harming and crying almost everyday thinking I wasn't worthy of living.

 

I know this will make me a stronger person in the future, and I know this will lead me to have a loving family because I will never be like my mother, but it saddens me that I had to go through something I didn't even ask for. I didn't ask to be born, she chose me, so why treat me like I'm trash?

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Yes, I have actually stopped trying to please her, because if I do 99% she'll look at the 1% that isn't right no matter how hard I have tried, the way I feel never matters to her, my feelings don't matter, if I cry she'll laugh at my face and say I'm pathetic. I just can't wrap my head around why would someone choose to have a child to treat them like this. What's the point of blaming your misery on someone you CHOSE to have in your life forever?

 

She was physically and emotionally abused as a child and she takes it out on us, especially me. I don't understand how one never stops to think about how they could change in order for their life to be better, since they hate it so much. I am determined to break this abuse cycle and I had no support growing up, I had to figure it out on my own, but clearly living this hell when I have my own family is NOT a choice. It puzzles me how one chooses to be unhappy just because they think they're perfect and everyone else around is to blame, but never them.

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You said this in another thread about what happens with you and the guy you were seeing:

Also, there really isn't a specific subjetc we argue about. That's what I'm trying to say. It's basically about anything we have a conversation about that suddenly turns into a huge fight and yelling...
It seems the same thing is happening with you and your mom.

 

I'm not minimizing your ordeal by saying this, but you have to admit that the common denominator in this situ and that of your romantic life, is You.

 

Have you ever thought about counselling to help you over come the animosity that the relationship with you and your mother (and what looks like an absentee father) has engrained in you? They say that we choose partners that are most like our mothers or our fathers personality... It looks like you're choosing men that are similar to your mother. "They" also say that we choose partners (find that we are attracted to) that are slightly above or slightly below our own emotional and mental health.

 

I think you would be doing yourself a great service to talk to someone about what you've been sharing with us.

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I have done therapy with a family therapist that I have been going on and off since I was 8 years old. She knows a lot about our family and it's gotten to a point where my mom physically hurt me and I got out of the house running and crying and I called her and asked her to get me out of there. I was irrational at the moment and only wanted to get away and she was the first person I thought of. But I think I need someone from outside, who doesn't know my mother, to actually help me.

 

I have no one to "protect" me or take my side, my dad defends me but ends up accepting her behavior, everyone in my family knows about my mother's instability, she tried commiting suicide once and was hospitalized for a week, she said we were "trouble". Obviously this was the peek of her depression and she has gotten better but it just shows how she can't face her demons and decides to blame it on her children.

 

I used to get involved with guys and have a huge emotional dependency on them to get love and affection that I didn't get home, which made me afraid to lose them which led me to low self esteem and promeblatic relationships, especially when the guy used my insecurities to feed his ego. After my last BU however, I got my stuff together and never humiliated myself again for another guy, but I still got involved in toxic relationships.

 

I want to break free from this, I want to be geniuinely happy, I am happy at my job, happy with my friends and I love my pets and I'm thankful for the things I have in life, but these other things keep catching up to me and making me extremely upset and I feel like I'm walking in circles.

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You are in NO way at fault for having an abusive mother, L.

 

Some people should never become parents, that's a fact.

 

It is well documented that the dysfunctional childhood environment, the emotionally abusive environment, means that one is likely in adulthood to make the wrong choices as regards relationships.

You were never good enough for your mother (in her skewed perception) so naturally enough as an adult you assume that you are not good enough for anyone (a relationship).

 

You have the insight to realise that you seek the love and affection you never had at home from men, and you are therefore exactly the type to fall prey to the jerks and predators of this world.

 

Take care of yourself, and get all the help you need in IRL.

 

Get away from the toxic "family" environment and stay away.

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I just don't want this to have an effect on my future. I am terrified of being a mother like mine, terrified of not knowing how to act differently because this is all I have ever known. I'm afraid I'll never have a healthy relationship because any time I like someone too much I'll be too afraid of losing them, therefore losing the love and caring and affection and being alone again with no one to care about me. I feel like a ghost in that house, I feel like I don't even exist there. My room is my escape. My dad complains I'm never around but I don't feel confortable around her. I miss being with him, one time I spent a week with him in the apartment he stays at during the week because of his work and it was really nice and fun. But when my mom's around I always feel tense, like at any time things can blow up and if I'm lucky she'll be in a good mood but I have to walk on egg shells even then because anything could go wrong and it has gone from ruining our day to physical abuse.

 

What worries me is that this will affect me in the future and stop me frm having a normal happy life

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Thank yuo for the replies. I will certainly be looking into moving to another place, anywhere I can afford and make it work. It doesn't make sense to be 23 years old and have a parent prohibiting you from eating at your house and refusing to buy food for only you and making sure there's plenty of food for the rest of the household (cookies, chips, frozen meals and sugary junk are always abundant at home, ask her if she could buy some fruits and vegetables and she'll claim "she forgot" to buy them. Yeah, you've been forgetting for 5 years now, I stopped asking a while back because it was useless.

 

I just feel sad, I have all these emotions inside of me. I have accepted the fact that she's an abusive mother and I will never be good enough for her. I just hope that once I'm gone she'll stop trying to screw me over. She has no power over me besides the fact that I live with her because the money comes from my dad.

(she always tries to manipulate my dad into not give me money or pay for stuff like graduation or a language course, let alone give me a gift or something. Now she's gonna manipulate him into not letting me buy food, like she has done with everything else... has taken my credit card, phone and car away simply because she can and has the power to do so)

 

My dad works in another city so he only comes home on the weekends, on the weekdays my mom and brother eat out so there isn't anything to eat at home... so I started buying food for myself or else I'd have to live off things that aren't even food! This is frustrating, how can a mother treat her own child like this? It's beyond bizarre... All I know is that I just want to get as far away from her as I can...

 

 

Actually --- at 23 with a job she has no obligation to buy any "special" food for you. It may seem odd and unfair that you are wanting her to buy fruit and she buys junky food. But spin it around. What if your mom ate basic stuff -- chicken, meatloaf, veggies and you wanted lobster, a specific kind of free range egg and you wanted candy? Do you think she should buy it for you, or should you buy what you want out of your own money? My parents had specific rules when we were older ---"this is what we eat and this is what we buy. if you want something different, you buy and make it yourself".

 

Also, if the credit card is in your name, she cannot legally take it away from you. She can take it away if its connected to her account for sure. Just go get a credit card in your name and don't tell her you got it. Get PO box. easy peasey.

 

And yes -- she has the power to take away everything she pays for. You have been a legal adult for 4-5 years now. If she was a very loving, caring, affectionate mom but was dirt poor -- you wouldn't have a car that she purchased for you to take away from you. Do your best to secure your own resources --- i don't think car leases are a great thing - but if you have no other credit and can't afford a car - get a lease of a small car for a 2-3 year term just to have something to get to work, etc, and then find another place to stay. or look at mom's house as just a place to crash that's free rent and pay all your other stuff until you find a place.

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And yes -- she has the power to take away everything she pays for. .

 

But one of the problems here is that it's my dad that pays for everything. She's a stay at home mom and to this day my dad has never been unfair to me when it comes to money. He is always more than happy to help me with stuff I need (like I said, things here in Brazil are expensive and I never ask him for futile stuff like clothes or money to go out, and I pay for most of my things). He has never taken anything away from me. The car is in his name. That's what gets me so angry.

 

I'm not trying to say that my parents HAVE to pay for anything in any means, what I'm saying is how she treats me like I'm some garbage laying around the house. She never cares to say hi, never cares to ask how my day was. Sometimes I try to talk about something and all I get is silence or a mere "hmf". And may I say it's been like this since I was 11. I remember her crying and saying how it was all my fault that her life was a misery. No wonder I had bulimia and anorexia at 12 and started self harming at 14 and got diagnosed with depression. I'm 23 now and I got my s*it together finally, but hell it was hard. But even to this day that I'm proud of where I am at life and conquering my things she still treats me the same trashy way.

 

I know I need to leave as fast as I can, I just wished there wasn't this awful thing between us. I see other's people mom's and they act so different. I just wanted to have a life that wasn't a constant tension inside the place I live.

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