3 strikes you're out??

I have been married to John for 11 years and we have 3 young children. We have a happy marriage for the most part. The communication is lacking, and I don't always feel that he invests as much into our marriage as he should. I found out last night that, for the 3rd time, he has been dishonest about major purchases. He has snuck behind my back to make another expensive, frivolous purchase. This time it was a $500 knife. He put the knife on a credit card that was paid off. He never paid the bill (I pay all the bills) and did not tell me about the purchase, so it has racked up late payment fees and interest charges. Honesty is of utmost importance to me, and I am sooooo disappointed that this has happened again. I told him last night that he has 3 days to figure out alternative living arrangments so that he can spend time working on himself. He needs to 1) Grow up 2) Figure out how to invest his whole self into the good of our marriage, and 3) Pay off the credit card debt completely. Am I being too harsh? He is really broken up about this, but I don't feel sorry for him this time.

I have been married to John for 11 years and we have 3 young children. We have a happy marriage for the most part. The communication is lacking, and I don't always feel that he invests as much into our marriage as he should. I found out last night that, for the 3rd time, he has been dishonest about major purchases. He has snuck behind my back to make another expensive, frivolous purchase. This time it was a $500 knife. He put the knife on a credit card that was paid off. He never paid the bill (I pay all the bills) and did not tell me about the purchase, so it has racked up late payment fees and interest charges. Honesty is of utmost importance to me, and I am sooooo disappointed that this has happened again. I told him last night that he has 3 days to figure out alternative living arrangments so that he can spend time working on himself. He needs to 1) Grow up 2) Figure out how to invest his whole self into the good of our marriage, and 3) Pay off the credit card debt completely. Am I being too harsh? He is really broken up about this, but I don't feel sorry for him this time.

You are married. You can't just throw him out. You have to work on your issues together and be honest with each other. :subdued:

You are married. You can't just throw him out. You have to work on your issues together and be honest with each other.

 

This is the 3rd time he has pulled the same stunt. Isn't it time for him to work on his dishonesty issues?

This is the 3rd time he has pulled the same stunt. Isn't it time for him to work on his dishonesty issues?

I understand where you are coming from. My husband has some honesty issues as well, but I always forgive him and by the grace of my forgiveness he works through his issues and has proven that he does not need to be dishonest with me if I truly leave it open for him to work on his issues whilst living together. I just think throwing him out is a bit harsh. But I don't know, we are newlyweds and things are in the honeymoon stage at the moment. How long have you been married?

At face value, it sounds harsh as ****. I'd have to know the history and financial particulars, though, to what extent you two are indebted, how manageable it is given your current income and assets, who's working, etc. I've never been a fan of having a King or Queen of all things finances as it more often than not seems to lead to some pretty extreme power dynamics. Case in point, buy a $500 knife = pack your bags and get out.

Is this house yours? Pretty much everywhere in the developed world, people are legally entitled to 30 - 60 days before they can be kicked out of a home... and that'd be if it's only your home and not both yours. I find it hard to believe a grown man with any self respect would simply droop his shoulders and say "OK" to being kicked out of his own home. Are you used to pushing him around to where you think this is an acceptable and feasible measure? How do you expect your children to react?

We have been married 11 years. I don't feel that this is the proper way to treat someone you're in a partnership with. Trust is soooooooooo important. I am an easy-going wife and can look past a lot, but lying to me for the 3rd time about the same kind of thing is a no-go. It's stupid and immature. There is no reason to lie. If you want the knife, save your money up until you can buy it. Don't be sneaky and put it on a credit card when we have worked so hard to pay off debt

I pay the bills, own a business, raise the kids. I don't pay the bills for any sort of power aspect. I do it because he won't. He goes to work and comes home, and I am left running the household and a business.

Sounds like you have reached the end of your rope?

I'm not necessarily wanting to break up our marriage. I am wanting time apart for him to work on his dishonesty issues and maybe just to realize what is important, and for me to focus on my business and our children.

Soooo.....let me get this straight....in 11 years he made a purchase that you didn't approve of ahead of time a whooping 3 times and your reaction is to attempt to kick him out of the house???? Are you for real or are you our resident pet troll? Sorry but your reaction, behavior and attempts at justifying and sounding like this is rational isn't quite right and that's putting as politely as I can.

Just know that once you tell him to pack his stuff and leave he might not receive it the way you mean it. You can never take back what you say. In his mind/emotions, this might very well be perceived as "she doesn't love me anymore/wants to end things". Good luck fixing that after its done.

I say this from personal experience, because my ex wife told me that she wanted a separation and later said that she said that to be a "wake up call" for me to work on some of our marriage issues. I did not take it that way, and that was the beginning of the end for me.

I don't think you're being harsh. You financial stability is at stake. He has a responsibility to put the well being of you and the children above his own selfish needs.

Asking someone to leave is basically ending the relationship -- if you are comfortable with that, fine. If you think you will get back to this relationship, you are probably mistaken. It sounds like you have other issues with him -- that you do everything and he only works -- is that actually true? If it is, I understand why you are done. If things are otherwise good and this is a repeated mistake, I think you are taking the wrong tack. Counseling would be the right first step to improve communication and the marriage itself, which clearly needs work. You have to figure out what you want -- to end the marriage or work on it. Throwing him out is ending it.

What are you hoping to accomplish by throwing him out to the dog house?

Harsh or not seems beside the point, I don't think he'll 'grow up' because of it. I don't think it will save your marriage. And I don't think it will change the dynamic.

Seems like a mommy child dynamic rather than a team of equals. It takes two to create that, and to change it. Sending him off because he's been a bad boy just entrenches it deeper.

You have three young kids..worth at least trying something different, I would think.

I'm not necessarily wanting to break up our marriage. I am wanting time apart for him to work on his dishonesty issues and maybe just to realize what is important, and for me to focus on my business and our children.

Are you sure about that?

I fail to see how kicking your husband out of the house will benefit your marriage or your children's lives. Perhaps try some other method before resorting to such extremes. He might get out there and decide it's not so bad on the other side...

I understand your concerns about him lying about the money he's spending, and the fact that he's not telling you about the charges, and hence they're not getting paid and you're racking up late charges and exorbitant interest, is troubling. A $500 knife?! Really?! To me, that's NOT a necessity that one should go into debt for, so I understand your concerns.

That said: I agree with everyone else that, if you're telling him to leave, you should be prepared for him not to come back, or at least for him to assume that you're ending the marriage. Sending him away to punish him and/or until he gets his stuff together isn't how marriage works. If I were married, and I was told to leave, even for "awhile," I would assume the relationship was over. Thus, unless you're prepared to divorce him -- unless you're serious about him not living with you anymore -- telling him to leave isn't a good idea. My suggestion: Counseling. Tell him you want to make the marriage work, but that you have to have trust, and that right now, you're having trouble trusting him. Tell him you really want to go to counseling to see if you can work things out. And, maybe a financial adviser could help as well -- someone to lay it out for him that MAYBE spending $500 on a knife on a credit card (as opposed to saving and paying cash for it), isn't a wise financial decision. Counseling, though, would definitely be a good idea. Finances are a significant factor in many divorces, and there are a lot of counselors out there trained to talk to couples about these things.

I understand your concerns about him lying about the money he's spending, and the fact that he's not telling you about the charges, and hence they're not getting paid and you're racking up late charges and exorbitant interest, is troubling. A $500 knife?! Really?! To me, that's NOT a necessity that one should go into debt for, so I understand your concerns.

 

That said: I agree with everyone else that, if you're telling him to leave, you should be prepared for him not to come back, or at least for him to assume that you're ending the marriage. Sending him away to punish him and/or until he gets his stuff together isn't how marriage works. If I were married, and I was told to leave, even for "awhile," I would assume the relationship was over. Thus, unless you're prepared to divorce him -- unless you're serious about him not living with you anymore -- telling him to leave isn't a good idea. My suggestion: Counseling. Tell him you want to make the marriage work, but that you have to have trust, and that right now, you're having trouble trusting him. Tell him you really want to go to counseling to see if you can work things out. And, maybe a financial adviser could help as well -- someone to lay it out for him that MAYBE spending $500 on a knife on a credit card (as opposed to saving and paying cash for it), isn't a wise financial decision. Counseling, though, would definitely be a good idea. Finances are a significant factor in many divorces, and there are a lot of counselors out there trained to talk to couples about these things.

I agree with everything you said. Asking him to leave is an over reaction and I would HATE to break up our marriage. We just have some stuff to work through, that in the big scheme of things could be A LOT worse. I was just pissed because I can't stand liars.

It sounds like there may be more of an issue here than just a $500 knife.

What were the previous purchases, how long ago, and how were the expenditures addressed?

Some people are terrible with money, and it's necessary to have one person take care of the bills. Totally get that... but there's also usually a reason people sneak out and make a massive purchase behind their significant other's back. At the root of it, probably some sort of communication barrier; he obviously feels like he couldn't ask you about it/tell you about it beforehand, though what he was thinking was going to happen when you started getting bills again ... I can't say. Have you asked him why, without yelling/threatening/etc?

At the very least, you guys should sit down and have a very frank discussion about finances. Does he have an "allowance"? Do you? It sucks to make money and never see any of it/do anything fun with it just for yourself - even if it's $20 a week or whatever for frivolous things... it can make a huge difference.

Definitely agree with what others said: counseling could help you find the underlying cause of the behavior and create a safe space for him to talk about what's going on when he does these things... what he's thinking/feeling/wanting in the moment. It'd also give you guys an additional opinion on effective communication for the two of you, and could even possibly help balance the responsibilities of the household by putting everything out in the open.

Sounds harsh... I know $500 can be lots of money, but it's not an amount that can ruin someone's well-being. When I read the first few sentences I thought he ended up gambling an exorbitant amount of money that might push you over to a bankruptcy or something to that extent. Even if this is the 3rd time...

Personally sometime I dont tell the full true to my bf about how new my shoes are or how much they costed (we don't share finances and I always pay what I promise for our share expenses, etc... so our situation is a bit different). Although putting it on a CC and then just not paying it sounds so immature (something like my dad would do).

Yeah, it really seems like something else is going on here... You don't throw out a grown-up man for $500 after 11 years of marriage... But indeed, after being with someone for a such a long time, some behavioral patterns can become so incredibly annoying. Talk it out, deal with it head on without drastic measures...

You sound really controlling. Are you his wife or his mother?

I sympathise with you. Trust is paramount in a relationship and his behaviour stinks. What kind of a man can be so sneaky like this? Pathetic.

The problem for you is not just the behaviour. It's the results of what he does. He makes you feel repelled by him. He is meant to be the man of the house, the father of your children and he behaves so poorly.

You have children to consider. Getting rid of your husband is too drastic for now. Can you involve other family members as a way of appropriately shaming him? Ask them for a loan to pay some bills. They will be concerned at the financial situation. You can break down in tears about the cause of it. They will take your side.

As J.Man said, what are the financial particulars? We would need to know the real stress.

e.g., If your net worth is a million, and his secret purchases add up to $2000..., you see the point.