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My boyfriend doesn't want to socialize with my friends...


totojeto

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I am torn by my boyfriend’s behavior. We’ve been together for 6 ½ years and I care about him deeply. I am in my late 30th and he is 9 years older. I do think he is a good-hearted man who means well, albeit abit stubborn. Here is the situation:

 

I am an immigrant (my whole family lives oversees) and I used to work a lot of hours when we first got back together. I switched my career a couple of years ago and that is when I started realizing I want to expend/improve my social circle. This is where our arguments have started. He is extremely extroverted (when traveling or out and about he has the need to talk to every single person. Basically his whole career is based on calling strangers and getting them to catch/connect with him at some level.) Sometimes I think his interactions are repetitious (like a salesman), but I also see he has been able to developed true friendships where his friends rely on him for personal/career advice and it’s also pretty obvious they would be there for him if needed.

 

However, he doesn’t like to socialize with my friends. For the most part I don’t mind socializing alone (he doesn’t prevent me to at all), but from time to time I do like him to come along (especially if it’s a couples things). We have fought over this and we have established some compromises. He promised to attend one thing a month if I really want him to (which ends up being more like few times a year, so I don’t ask him to participate often). I do think this has helped abit - he is starting to understand how important having a social circle is to me. He also puts up less resistance, but still this whole process is not smooth and it remains a battle between us.

 

For example, the first time in the 6 years we’ve been together I hosted a little sport-event-watching brunch party at our place. When I first set it up, it became a whole issue him being upset that he had to be part of it. After a fight, he apologized and agreed to participate. And indeed he did stay for the whole game, but left right after the game for a bike-ride when the first people started leaving. I thought it was rude and we got into a fight about it, but reached a conclusion that he indeed tried his best and people started leaving already anyway.

 

He can also be very intense with people. He would be the guy asking an Asian friend whom he just met whether she would date white guys, etc. Sometimes he just says things that I find inappropriate. Again his contra-argument is that he ‘would bet his money on him’ how to interact with people given he has made a very successful career based on building personal rapport with people (and that is true.. he has created long lasting business relationships where his clients end up inviting him to weddings, etc.). But I know some of my friends find him a bit odd…

 

So the dilemma is: am I being too demanding and unfair? He resists saying I have standards no one can live up to and am too uptight. My argument is that from time to time he should compromise and socialize with my friends without creating friction. I feel like we both are trying to find a middle-ground and do things that we don’t necessarily would otherwise to save the relationship. I just want to understand whether I should back-off and just socialize on my own (apart from very formal events, such as weddings, work parties, etc). I am just very tired of fighting with him about this issue.

 

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So the dilemma is: am I being too demanding and unfair?
I vote "yes" you are.

 

 

Dude has compromised. (even if he balks). If you are very tired of fighting with him about the issue then don't fight about him with it. Just plan your things and when you want him there ask him... he has agreed to do this.

He promised to attend one thing a month if I really want him to
Remind him of his promise when he begins to argue about it... and then don't respond to any of his 'balking' but just kiss him and ask him what he'll be wearing
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I would have a difficult time with someone who did not want to share an important part of my life. I think that his behavior is strange.

 

Its not uncommon at all. Not everyone wants to do what their partner wants them to do and not everyone wants to do what their partner wants them to do all of the time.

 

My husband is very similar but we've worked it out through compromise and we've been quite satisfied with the arrangement. Its all good.

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Its not uncommon at all. Not everyone wants to do what their partner wants them to do and not everyone wants to do what their partner wants them to do all of the time.

 

My husband is very similar but we've worked it out through compromise and we've been quite satisfied with the arrangement. Its all good.

 

The part I find odd, is that he is an extrovert, except when it comes to her friends.

 

I don't feel a couple of times a year is compromising. And, to leave the party early, is plain rude.

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The part I find odd, is that he is an extrovert, except when it comes to her friends.

 

I don't feel a couple of times a year is compromising. And, to leave the party early, is plain rude.

 

I took it that she only asked him a couple of times a year because he balked so much. She did say she only actually invites him occasionally. (or rather she doesn't ask him to participate often) He didn't leave the party early, he left when couples started to leave. Her friends know what he's like so I'm sure they accept his peculiarities if for no other reason that they love THEIR friend (the Op) and if he treats her well otherwise then cie la vie.

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Yeah sorry I'm on team TWT and team boyfriend on this one. Love my fiancee to death but when engaging with the bulk of her friends, I can literally feel malignant tumors starting to gradually develop. But that's fine. They're her friends, not mine. It's not me they have to please nor I who has to please them.

 

And, to be honest, he's being more accommodating than I'd be. I'm all for rational compromise but one thing I don't do is quotas.

 

Look, it's perfectly reasonable to want a partner who enjoys your friends. What's not reasonable is perpetual nagging and raising stinks when, at the end of the day, he just doesn't want to.

 

Personally, I don't ask, expect, or even remotely desire my partner to do things she doesn't want to do, especially for my benefit. I've never understood people who think compatibility is about meeting in the middle whereeve or whenever rather than being comfortable with your partner being comfortable.

 

In short, learn to live with it or dump him.

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You mention some of your friends find him a bit odd and even you yourself are sometimes uncomfortable with him being himself around them. So maybe that's why he balks? And thinks you behave uptight towards him around your friends?

 

Is there maybe one or two he seems to get along naturally well with?

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Does he actually have real friends or are all his friends these business associates?

 

He sounds like my ex. He didnt like socialising with my friends, and he didnt have any actual friends. All the people we associated with were his contacts through work. I came to realise he only associated with them as he could use them for his benefit.

Is this what is happening here?

If so, he doesnt like spending time with your friends because he thinks it is a waste of his time if he cant get anything out of them.

Being in a sales like role they are always trying to increase their contact list.

Its cold but very true.

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Yes, we've talked about this... He is not a wallflower and can be pretty bold. I sometimes find it too much... We just have completely different personalities.

He has toned down his behavior though - just as part of becoming mature and having to professionally interact with a lot of different folks, so he has naturally become more sensitive of how people react. But still he can definitely draw lots of attention if he wants to.

 

And yes, he gets along well with some of my friends. He is also very good with family - he reaches out to them, etc...

 

But he definitely prefers not to socialize with my friends.

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Someone else asked me this and I can confidently say 'no.' He has friends from all walks of life - old childhood friends, college friends... Or guys he used to go out with when younger that have nothing to do with his business. He even makes friends with old ladies at a museum he started volunteering at.

 

He simply doesn't like to spend time with my friends. I think it has nothing to do with him thinking they are being offensive, etc. It's more like he needs to be constantly stimulated or be the center of attention, otherwise he gets drained or bored easily... It's almost hard to explain...

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Two against one

 

I usually socialize with my friends and their partners. We all get along. Maybe, that is no so common.

 

You are lucky! My boyfriend's response is that it's not about what is 'common,' but about what makes for a functioning relationship. So we both are trying to find some kind of a middle-ground in this. I know he is never be eager to spend time with my friends and I have to find out where the golden limit is when asking him to participate...

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Its not uncommon at all. Not everyone wants to do what their partner wants them to do and not everyone wants to do what their partner wants them to do all of the time.

 

My husband is very similar but we've worked it out through compromise and we've been quite satisfied with the arrangement. Its all good.

 

So curious to know what your comprise is! I am so thankful for your input on this, as I've been scratching my head over this for awhile now...

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What does he not like about your friends?

 

I have a friend whose husband is similar, with a similar line of work as your boyfriend. He doesn't like it when he can't control a conversation and "pitch" to friends the same way he speaks to a potential client. Professionally, he's great. Socially, it's awkward and contrived. When people don't respond to the him in the way he predicts (following his usual ability to make a connection with a client) he gets frustrated and shuts down. Or, when people aren't directing their attention at him, he does or says something - sometimes abrasive - to get it.

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if i care about someone, i'll do many things i otherwise wouldn't.

 

but i'll be damned if i can manage to sit through a "sports match brunch" and "couply events", especially if it's not like 3-4 times a year, but "at least" once a month. i'd especially be bugged being told that i am expected to.

 

i'd applaud a dude who survived it, and managed to be all pleasant about it, even if he is otherwise extroverted.

 

is it really that important that he attends these things? more often than he has agreed to? i know lots of couples who rarely socialize with each other's circles. never really thought it's weird.

 

also, i know it's just me, but i find these descriptions of ppl's social lives quite scary. weddings, couple events, hosting sports brunches.... i could aim to attend all three in the next few years maybe. months, if you were really darn special.

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if i care about someone, i'll do many things i otherwise wouldn't.

 

"...but i'll be damned if i can manage to sit through a "sports match brunch" and "couply events", especially if it's not like 3"

_____________________

 

Lol, I so appreciate your opinion.... I force him to do a dinner maybe a once a month if that. Beyond that it is truly rare I ask him to participate or even if I do, I know I am setting myself up for a 'no.' The brunch was first time in 6st years (!) and we did a couple weddings together. One of them he got sick and left early, the other one he ended up making a little scene about wanting to leave. He has been apologetic about it every since though.

 

He asks me why is it important for me as well. Well, it is.. I don't have a family here, so want to feel like I am part of a social network that is supportive and positive. I am coming to terms we are not going to be the couple who will be hosting dinners and entertaining guests on a regular basis. But because I do want to have a healthy social life, I am trying to find out what a working solution is for us. Seriously, 90% of the time I don't force him to participate...

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What does he not like about your friends?

 

"I have a friend whose husband is similar, with a similar line of work as your boyfriend. He doesn't like it when he can't control a conversation and "pitch" to friends the same way he speaks to a potential client. Professionally, he's great. Socially, it's awkward and contrived. When people don't respond to the him in the way he predicts (following his usual ability to make a connection with a client) he gets frustrated and shuts down. Or, when people aren't directing their attention at him, he does or says something "

-----------------

 

Yes, he is kind of like that…But It’s not that he is all business and his life is all about closing deals. He has so many amazing interests: art, photography, travels, cooking, philosophy… He loves an intellectual conversation (gravitates towards highly smart people) or people who have a unique life path… At a party he would rather hang out with my friends old aunties who are giving him 100% attention and telling him cooking tricks, then to my friends. It’s kind of cute, but sometimes I find it annoying

 

He finds my friends abit boring. They are working professionals who like to enjoy the urban life (no big drinkers or parties until early mornings)… just normal fun: dinners, wine, whatever along those lines.

 

His point is that his personality has served him well in his life: it has opened many doors in business and in private life it allowed him to connect with so many different people. Plus, apparently I am the first girlfriend who doesn’t always approve his behavior.

 

I don’t really want him to change or make him miserable, I just really want to find a middle-ground where we can both get what we want.

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The middle ground is you enjoy your friends and he'll enjoy his. Frankly, (and thanks Rainy for triggering me bringing it up after I'd missed it), I don't know any self respecting man who could willfully participate in the crucifixion of God's greatest gift to mankind (sports) by bringing brunch into it.

 

Now I'm joking (...kinda), but obviously you've chosen to date a guy who's simply not a fit with those you've chosen for friends. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not a good strategy if you're looking for a more inclusive dynamic than one that's more compartmentalized.

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The middle ground is you enjoy your friends and he'll enjoy his. Frankly, (and thanks Rainy for triggering me bringing it up after I'd missed it), I don't know any self respecting man who could willfully participate in the crucifixion of God's greatest gift to mankind (sports) by bringing brunch into it.

 

Now I'm joking (...kinda), but obviously you've chosen to date a guy who's simply not a fit with those you've chosen for friends. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not a good strategy if you're looking for a more inclusive dynamic than one that's more compartmentalized.

 

That is hilarious. Yep, it was Wimbledon: so champagne and strawberries… The poor guy’s eyes almost popped out when I told him the idea.. Totally inconceivable to him how someone can enjoy something like this. He did manage to get through it and interacted with my friends, but had to get out at the first chance he found appropriate. Then he felt he did such a great job afterwards…

 

(mind you we are both tennis players. I play at a nice tennis club where I am trying to make friends and he plays on a public court in not the best area of the town with a couch who was a high school tennis prodigy but ended up getting a felony charge. It is almost the end of the world if I want him to play with me at the club. As far as any socializing there – I don’t even try… The irony is that his tennis bill is twice from mine. Somehow this kind of sums up how we are in a sense… )

 

I think you are totally correct, the best is for me to enjoy my friends and let him out of it (which is basically what I do 90%). I guess I also want a reassurance that this is normal and people find ways to make it work. I just do freak out about it from time to time…

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So curious to know what your comprise is! I am so thankful for your input on this, as I've been scratching my head over this for awhile now...

 

Pretty much what you guys have come up with. If its really important to me that he go, then he goes. If its just a gathering of mostly us girls yacking and him having to make football small talk with their husbands then he won't go and I don't force him... I've learned that I don't need him to be there when I'm mostly just going to be yacking and laughing it up over wine with the girls anyway.

 

We've been married for 40 years this September My friends think my hubby has a wicked sense of humour... I tell them with a smirk, try living with it 24/7. (actually his sense of humour is what drew me to him in the first place).

 

We can't all have our own way all of the time (that one's hard to manage for all of us lol but gets easier with time and acceptance).

 

Your guy is teaming up with you to come to a happy medium. Be thankful for that (and remind him of his promise when he balks with a kiss and a query about what he'll be wearing ) because far too many wouldn't bother as they are used to getting their own way all of the time and compromise is a word they don't bother with. Ugh!

 

Cheers.

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Uh oh.

 

It's more like he needs to be constantly stimulated or be the center of attention, otherwise he gets drained or bored easily.

 

I am betting good money here that YOUR friends do not venerate him or make him the centre of attention as he would like to be. This is what is called the "I'd rather be a big fish in a small pond than a small fish in a big pond.

 

"and he plays on a public court in not the best area of the town with a couch who was a high school tennis prodigy but ended up getting a felony charge. It is almost the end of the world if I want him to play with me at the club. As far as any socializing there – I don’t even try… The irony is that his tennis bill is twice from mine. Somehow this kind of sums up how we are in a sense… )"

 

I am not entirely wrong, am I, OP?

 

And he sounds to me as not being very socially skilful. Inappropriateness ....yes.

 

"He can also be very intense with people. He would be the guy asking an Asian friend whom he just met whether she would date white guys, etc. "

 

 

Oh boy....again!

" At a party he would rather hang out with my friends old aunties who are giving him 100% attention and telling him cooking tricks, then to my friends. It’s kind of cute, but sometimes I find it annoying".

 

A portrait keeps emerging here. And it is anything but cute.....

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Uh oh.

 

It's more like he needs to be constantly stimulated or be the center of attention, otherwise he gets drained or bored easily.

 

I am betting good money here that YOUR friends do not venerate him or make him the centre of attention as he would like to be. This is what is called the "I'd rather be a big fish in a small pond than a small fish in a big pond.

 

"and he plays on a public court in not the best area of the town with a couch who was a high school tennis prodigy but ended up getting a felony charge. It is almost the end of the world if I want him to play with me at the club. As far as any socializing there – I don’t even try… The irony is that his tennis bill is twice from mine. Somehow this kind of sums up how we are in a sense… )"

 

I am not entirely wrong, am I, OP?

 

And he sounds to me as not being very socially skilful. Inappropriateness ....yes.

 

"He can also be very intense with people. He would be the guy asking an Asian friend whom he just met whether she would date white guys, etc. "

 

 

Oh boy....again!

 

" At a party he would rather hang out with my friends old aunties who are giving him 100% attention and telling him cooking tricks, then to my friends. It’s kind of cute, but sometimes I find it annoying".

 

 

A portrait keeps emerging here. And it is anything but cute.....

 

____

 

Yes, I see your point. I am with someone who likes attention and is very extroverted, yet not 100% apt socially. I guess I got to accept that, even though he wouldn't really acknowledge it. I am also fine since he has lots of other qualities and his personality didn't prevent him from achieving success in life (including finding long-lasting friends who are there for him when needed). Plus when I am out he is at home doing his fun/cute/interesting hobbies, so it's not like he is out seeking his attention elsewhere. We all have flaws and I can't say I am the best social butterfly either. Yeah, we are not perfect, unfortunately. But you are right, my friends don't dislike him, but definitely don't allow him to be the center of attention. I did tell him this many times, but feel like a b... for pointing his flaws constantly...

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Pretty much what you guys have come up with. If its really important to me that he go, then he goes. If its just a gathering of mostly us girls yacking and him having to make football small talk with their husbands then he won't go and I don't force him... I've learned that I don't need him to be there when I'm mostly just going to be yacking and laughing it up over wine with the girls anyway.

 

We've been married for 40 years this September My friends think my hubby has a wicked sense of humour... I tell them with a smirk, try living with it 24/7. (actually his sense of humour is what drew me to him in the first place).

 

We can't all have our own way all of the time (that one's hard to manage for all of us lol but gets easier with time and acceptance).

 

Your guy is teaming up with you to come to a happy medium. Be thankful for that (and remind him of his promise when he balks with a kiss and a query about what he'll be wearing ) because far too many wouldn't bother as they are used to getting their own way all of the time and compromise is a word they don't bother with. Ugh!

 

Cheers.

___

 

I really appreciate your input! I am glad you were able to work this out. It's interesting how some responses are a resolute disapprovals of his behavior and some are ok.

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