His ideal woman looks nothing like me

I know this is stupid and all my own insecurity, but it started out just mildly bothering me, and it hasn't gone away.

 

My boyfriend obviously has a type. He's not exactly subtle and he voices his opinion to me pretty candidly about the attractiveness of women - generally only about actresses/etc. rather than people we actually know, but it isn't much of a stretch for me to figure out when he finds one of his/our friends attractive.

 

That bothers me a little bit, but not as much as the fact that I look absolutely nothing like his 'type'. The women he finds attractive are, without exception, tall, thin, top-heavy and blonde.

 

I am 5'1, dark-haired and fairly flat-chested. And while most of the time, I can just brush this off, each time he gushes about how hot the next blonde girl in whatever film we're watching is, it just makes me feel inadequate...and like he's somehow 'settled' for me, because I'm what he can get, rather than what he finds attractive. He's said before that he'd like to see me go blonde (which I really don't want to do), and stuff like that just makes me feel like I'm a placeholder.

 

I know that's not the case, because he asked me out in the first place, so he obviously finds me attractive, but it's just another little hit to my confidence every time this happens; and it's starting to make me feel uncomfortable when something happens like him liking a load of photos from a friend who fits that 'type', or when we're out and it's clear he's checking some girl out in a queue or as we're walking around. I know it doesn't mean anything, but it gets to me.

 

Other than one time when he made a comment that really upset me, I haven't said anything to him about it because I know it's just me being insecure; but I've never been particularly happy with my appearance, and this is really screwing with my confidence.

OMG. Did I write this and just not remember from a sudden case of amnesia ?

 

My ex was EXACTLY like this, down to a T.

 

Only difference is that am a natural blonde with blue eyes and he loves redheads or brunettes with dark small eyes.

 

Wow, just wow.

 

Honestly, I felt like you a lot of the times, eventually it went from just talking about some hot actress to talking about how hot the woman he was working with was and how hot my sister is to how hot one of his female friends is.

He really did a number on my self esteem because it's like, well, if you aren't attractive enough to catch your own boyfriends attention then who will you be attractive to ? And it's especially depressing when you are out and about walking together and he can't keep his eyes from going to some other woman.

 

Honestly, I fixed it by breaking up with him altogether, I just sat down one day and decided what do I want in life and from a relationship, and I decided that it wasn't anything he had to offer me. I feel a lot better now that we haven't talked in some time and although I did break no contact once, I feel better now after a few months have gone by and I notice I don't think about him like I use to anymore.

 

And now I know how to spot guys like that in a heartbeat and cut things off as soon as it starts rather than letting it drag on and on and hoping he changes. People are born one way and they hardly ever change their personality or who they are. So find you a guy that's into small boobs, brunettes and short girls, they are out there.

Other than one time when he made a comment that really upset me, I haven't said anything to him about it...

 

There is your problem right there. Well, the first problem is being involved with someone who behaves in this way. The second problem is not voicing your opinions and concerns. Set a boundary. He starts gushing again, state very plainly that you don't enjoy discussing that. He will get the hint. And if he doesn't, then you should send him packing so he can go find Barbie.

 

While I tend to have a preference for short, brunette women; each relationship I have had has its own unique attractiveness. Honestly, just simply being aware of how your action impact your partner should prevent this type of situation, but I guess not all people have a reasonable amount of awareness.

My ideal man would not act like he does. In fact, I would find that an unattractive behavior in a date.

 

I would define the issue that way. You get to decide if you want to date someone like that.

I don't get why any of you get so upset. My husband just loves red-heads. I point them out to him when we're out and about so that he can enjoy the view.

 

I understand that just because he is with me he's not going to suddenly NOT find other women attractive. Try to do the mental work to accept that just because he's with you, it doesn't mean he's going to suddenly not find other women attractive. You could always tell him that you know his 'type' so he needn't point out to you that he finds them attractive. (said jokingly so it doesn't become an issue but he 'gets it.')

 

As for facebook and liking other women's new photos... well that's just childish and the bane of face book I suppose. I'd be telling him to cut that out because its a disrespect to you for him to be publicly showing his attraction for another woman for ALL to see.

I am a female and have been in a relationship with someone who is not my type, physically. Ultimately I felt for the whole package, not only with the physical part.

I also am sometimes taken aback when my boyfriend tells me that he finds a certain female attractive – I feel like they are nothing like me. So that part I find ok. It’s natural for our partners to still consider other people attractive, etc.

 

However I think it’s bothersome if he is so vocal about it. You either have to sit down and set boundaries, or this will just become more of a friction.

Unless and until you tell him how you feel when he gushes over some blonde, how is he going to know how much it upsets you?

Just a couple of points:

 

Finding someone attractive doesn't necessarily equate being attracted TO that person.

 

As people mature, they look beyond physical attractiveness to the person within - many physically attractive people are repulsive when we get to know them.

 

I think you need to work on your self-esteem. Have you ever used affirmations? As corny as they sound (at least at first), they made me an icon of self-confidence after years of it being in the gutter, thanks to my ex and his ability to cut me to the core (never pretty enough, smart enough, always made the poor choices, never right about anything...if I said the sky was blue, he'd say 'no, not blue, azure'.)

 

If you're interested, here are some guidelines to good affirmations:

 

1. Short

2. Present, not past or future

3. Contains only positive words (never use "not", "no", etc.)

4. Must be true or something realistically attainable

5. Specific

6. Personal

 

Examples:

 

Bad: "I am pretty". (Short, positive, present tense, true, but not specific.)

Good: "I have great eyebrows."

 

Bad: "I will exercise every day to improve my physical appearance." (Not present tense.)

Good: "My breasts are perfect."

 

Bad: "I will not think about (boyfriend) being attracted to other women." (Not personal, rather about him, uses a negative word.)

Good: "I control my thoughts and keep them positive."

 

You get the idea.

 

When I started doing this, I wrote out 30 affirmations that met the requirements. Every day I read them aloud and each one, in turn, a minimum of 30 times (usually 50) in a notebook every night before bed, repeating it in my head as I wrote each one out. As I got more comfortable with the affirmations, I found myself doing them throughout the day. By the end of the month, I felt so much better. I did another set over the following 30 days.

 

By the end of the second month, I was incredibly confident and my ex (or any man since) hasn't been able to knock it down. I know I'm the prize. Even my ex agrees.

How about you start commenting on all the hot guys around you? Pointing them out to your guy?

Liking their pics on FB, staring at them while you are out?

 

When he gets a taste of his own medicine he might start reigning in his tasteless behaviour !!

 

What is good for the goose is good for the gander

I agree with Vicky. I am a tall (5'9" or 176 cm) blonde with blue eyes and fairly slender. I dated a guy who seemed to prefer girls really skinny and often asian. It seemed the skinner, the better. He criticized one woman who is probably a size 00 for having love handles.

 

Does it mean I am ugly? No. It just means I am not his type. And I don't think we should stick around with guys who don't appreciate what we have to offer. He can be into another type but if every time you go out his eyes are are just stuck on that "type" or he is frequently commenting, it would be pretty impossible for you to feel sexually super attractive to him.

 

Don't waste your youth or "the pretty" on him.

Well,all guys have something they think is really hot

It's like with lamborghini, it's a wow factor car and nice to look at,but most of us wouldn't really buy one.

 

Same goes for those types. For long time I had a thing for gothic chicks, but would never actually date one,because it's better when things are just a mistery.

what???

 

am in an alternative reality or something?

 

look. yes we all understand finding a particular type attractive doesn't mean you don't honestly consider yourself lucky to be with your SO who just happens to look different. surely, most people, not just him, find a busty blonde or redhead pretty darn hot. i mean, they're practically magical unicorns...with boobs...

 

and we would assume certain types are always present in some obscure corner of every man's phone, as aids for..well...happy moments.

 

and all of that is...well, normal.

 

but at the same time, what a fairly normal, well-mannered person with a modicum of empathy and consideration understands, is that endlessly drooling and exclaiming arousal at every sight of desirable specimen ( well, speciwomen?) to one's SO and then suggesting the latter changes her appearance to resemble them, is the perfect bloody way to make them feel inadequate, undesirable, second-best, if not the perfect and fastest way to get dumped because "i don't really find it surprising you like busty blondes, but seeing as i quite like looking like i do, i don't plan to turn into one. how bout just look for one who ticks the boxes already, bye".

 

I know it doesn't mean anything, but it gets to me.

personally, i think it means he has the sensitivity of a toilet seat, and the social awareness of an anvil.

 

have you ever done this to a guy? no? why? why do you not allow yourself to behave like this? and, why do you think then, he does?

 

i mean you see loving, good partners approach their SO's morbid obesity with tact and affection, and then there's this bu**head, never missing a chance to tell a perfectly good looking woman he really really really really gets on something else, and would she morph into it.

 

i'm really trying to imagine being the person who does something like this, and i can't, i can't see myself throwing remarks like that around a guy, even if said imagined bloke had three heads and a tail. especially not one i love, or at least care about.

 

why do i feel like the reason he is with you and not someone who fits his preferences, measurements and hottest shade of platinum and all, has a lot to do with you quite possibly having extremely low expectations, and zero drive to surround yourself with people who treat you well?

 

i can't for the life of me believe you've resisted the urge to tell him you'll become a blonde when he becomes...reasonably evolved.

Well, at least he's smart enough not to point out people you know. He does seem a little clueless though.

 

I think some of this stems from the same reason some people freak out about porn. They maybe stumble upon it and see these women that look nothing like them (and indeed don't look like 90% of the population). Then they feel like they can't compete or will never satisfy. Sure, maybe it's not a totally rational thing, but I can see why somebody would feel that way.

 

In my opinion, unless you yourself are really into porn, the guy needs to be SUBTLE and DISCRETE about his "preferences." Likewise, I really think it's a little thick to be gushing over celebrities constantly. One would think he should know better, but I can understand why he doesn't. Sometimes people only learn from experience. I mean, really, does he HAVE to do it? Is his quality of life going to be diminished by holding back on his celebrity gushing? Let him know that you'd rather he keep his opinions about celebrities to himself. If he doesn't respect that, then get back to us. I find that him wanting to change your appearance disturbing, but also let him know you are going to be firm on that unless you'd like to try it out (which it sounds like you don't).

i wouldn't even have a problem with the fact that he's constantly going on and on and on about a different type.

 

i'd notice that he goes on and on and on about the appearance and sexual appeal of others, and i would draw conclusions about what people are to him.

 

but then, don't mind me. i'm on the other worrisome end of the spectrum. it takes me ages before i can start to comment on a guy's good looks because "what if it makes him think i'm not interested in his personality"

A family friend brought a string of dates with him to parties, and they were all busty blondes. One time he brought a petite brunette, and we all knew that this was the one he'd marry. That was 25 years ago, and now that their kids are away at college, they're enjoying their empty nest time together.

 

Fantasy templates don't necessarily translate into simpatico and love. If you have that with this guy, then it explains why he's with you. If not, then it's not the competition I'd worry about.