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Doing the Right Thing - Open Relationship


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Hi there. 31 now and been in 4 relationships since I started dating men on the age of 23. My current one is a year and 4 months and the one before that lasted 4 years. The gap between the two relationships was 2 months.

 

I can describe my current boyfriend as a wonderful man (27 and I am his 1st love and 1st relationship). He loves me a lot and his dedication to me from the start, got me attached to him quickly. We moved in together 5 months into the relationship and I adore him a lot until the point that I can't imagine living without him. However, there is a problem that keep popping its ugly head from time to time into our life. It exhausted him and it started to exhaust me as well.

 

The problem started when I insisted on an open relationship from the beginning. Although, we had great chemistry from the start and he was smitten with me and I became smitten with him shortly after. I wasn't ready to give up on getting more exploration, sexually, with other people. I felt I owe it to myself after I have been loyal for 4 years (2 of them long distance) to my ex who, though, was a good man - he was super-jealous and hardly ever believing that I was loyal to him. My current bf (let's call him Nas) didn't like the idea but because he was falling for me, he agreed, thinking he can eventually accept it or change me to be exclusive to him, later. Regardless of being physical with people, my heart always stayed with him and I didn't focus on anyone more than him. I prioritize him always, and whenever I felt he wasn't feeling well cuz I'm seeing someone, I canceled the sex date. Few months later into the relationship, I started noticing that he is becoming less patient with me, about things sometimes not related to me seeing others. He exploded one time because of a problem that occurred and one thing led to another untill he mentioned to me that he doesn't feel that he is good enough for me cuz I keep seeing other people other than him. I insisted that it is only physical with them, but with him it is physical and emotional. Actually, the physical part is also more than the others - I can cum 4-5 times with him but with others I only can do it once, even with available time. He was still not convinced but eventually I calmed him down and that was our 1st big fight.

 

Good times follows with Nas and I living together but similar fights occurred and they all lead to the same conclusion which is either that I make him feel like he is not good enough for me or that we are not compatible which I kept rejecting, insisting that I am always considering him above all. He had the same rights as me to meet other people for sex but after 2 to 3 encounters, he decided he was too attached to me to think about sex with others. At the end 7 months into the relationship, I agreed on going steady with him without "side dishes", that comes after he threaten to leave me if I didn't make a decision about it. I was becoming quite attached to him and I thought to myself that it wasn't gonna be difficult doing it for him. Few weeks into being exclusive, I started to be craving for extra attention from him (although he is very attentive when he is stress-free). The situation was made worse considering his working hours are very hectic, exceeding sometimes 14 hours a day and me myself had a boring job with flexible hours. I call him sometimes when he is busy and stressed at work and I felt upset when he is distracted when talking to me or promising to call me back and never do. He is job was demanding physically (civil engineer) and mentally (he dealt with toxic co-works), and when he come back home, he is exhausted and could hardly handle my complains. So again, he started to become depressed because I didn't show enough understanding about his job demands. He was also feeling that I was moody as well because I was forced to become exclusive which had some truth behind it. He became less emotional with me, which drive me mad considering I am an emotional and romantic person and it reached a point that I couldn't stand the nonchalant treatment and the fights and I packed my things and went to my friend's place. I think what drove me the most out is his defeated attitude towards our relationship, stating that I should for a better person that suited me". I kept telling him that he is the perfect person for me but he was too down to listen. I am not delusional, I know we had problems, but after all we love each other and my way of loving another person is believing deeply that he is perfect, especially if the person is making me happy 70% of the time or higher.

 

The break-up lasted for 2 weeks, during which we kept in contact, telling him that I will return to him in a heart beat if he tells me that he needs me as a boyfriend in his life and him nicely insisting that this is for the best (the break-up). Apologizing for driving me out of the place and being cold to me. Finally, due to him loving me and still missing me, we returned back together and we came up with the solution by making our relationship open again, with a condition: for me to, willingly, agree to be exclusive with him after some period of time. He said that during the 2 weeks he opened some dating apps and had sex with 2 guys. I felt really awful considering I didn't think about meeting anyone during the break-up. He felt bad for me but also moved by how much I was hurt from knowing that and told me that he finally understood my feeling about being open (meeting a stranger for sex but at the same time having emotional attachment only for the one you love - your bf). He kept asking me to download dating apps and to meet some people, mostly out of guilt, and I agreed to do so after 3 days from returning back together.

 

Now, I am seeing guys again for sex, mostly once or twice a week, and feeling more guilty with less enjoyment than I used to. He is calm most of the time and passionate with me like usual but he keep reminding me that he is waiting for me to come to him one day, announcing that I left my old habit of sleeping with others and I am finally, only for him. I feel that I can do this for him soon but sometimes I become filled with fear. Fear that the root of our problem is not only me seeking sex with others. Fear that I may not be happy, fully, except with an open relationship. Mostly, fear that I may fail him after all the promises I gave him about loving him the way he wanted not just the way I want. I am also optimistic, feeling that I can be fulfilled in living with him without worrying about all of these things. I keep thinking that if I start working with my degree in the dream job that I want, I'll become fully submersed and only focusing on life with him and my career. It is just difficult to have such a job in the area that we live in. It will be a hardship for me to go somewhere else while staying exclusive together but I think I can make it. Usually, I am a decisive person and know what I want but I would love to have your insights and comments about my situation here.

 

Thank you

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You two are just not compatible at this point in your lives.

 

He wants monogamy. You do not. Don't make relationship decision based on "ifs" - base them on the present situation. You would still like to have sex with others. He is very clearly not okay with this but hoping you will change your mind.

 

My opinion? Break up. Have your fun and go nuts. If and when you feel ready for a monogamous, exclusive relationship, then get in touch with him and see if he would still like to talk.

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I think that you should just announce that you want to be exclusive with him and see how it goes. If you both revert back to your old habits with one another yet again then its time to call an end to the relationship.

 

Get yourself into some hobbies or join a gym or do some courses or something that will keep you interested and occupied while he's busy at work.

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You two are just not compatible at this point in your lives.

 

He wants monogamy. You do not. Don't make relationship decision based on "ifs" - base them on the present situation. You would still like to have sex with others. He is very clearly not okay with this but hoping you will change your mind.

 

My opinion? Break up. Have your fun and go nuts. If and when you feel ready for a monogamous, exclusive relationship, then get in touch with him and see if he would still like to talk.

 

You might be true, we might not be compatible somehow but nobody said that relationships are easy. I respect and love being in a relationship and I don't mind taking some of the heartbreak that comes with it. I also tried monogamy before him and it suited me. I am also with the idea that if you find someone nice, good and honest, you should exhaust your options with him first before you decide to quit or search for better. I still have great hope to be with him and for that I am staying.

The thing is, my heart wants to trust him enough so I feel that no matter what I have, he is always gonna be with me. That's why I was reluctant to give him exclusivity that easily. Some people has no problem giving it up, I don't or I learned not to give it up that easy. Is that good or bad?, I don't think that is important here. At least, I know what I want and I am honest with myself, which is kind of good. The question here if he wants to invest enough with me to achieve his relationship goal. For all intents and purposes, he is showing it and for that I am fighting for him.

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I think that you should just announce that you want to be exclusive with him and see how it goes. If you both revert back to your old habits with one another yet again then its time to call an end to the relationship.

 

Get yourself into some hobbies or join a gym or do some courses or something that will keep you interested and occupied while he's busy at work.

 

Actually, I am planning to do that soon. Maybe in a week or 2. I just want to have the right moment for it. I know that he is gonna be very happy and that will make me happy and strong for him but only time will tell if we are meant to be. I feel we are meant to be.

 

Definitely, a good advice to occupy myself. Although, I am lazy in general, I won't mind gym with a buddy. I like indoors more but I am a person who can entertain himself easily.

 

Thanks

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  • 1 month later...

He wants monogamy. You do not. Don't make relationship decision based on "ifs" - base them on the present situation. You would still like to have sex with others. He is very clearly not okay with this but hoping you will change your mind.

 

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting an open/poly relationship, but both parties have to want the same thing, otherwise you both get hurt. I had a situation in the past with a partner that wanted a poly relationship, and over time it really hurt me. I want monogamy (and there's nothing wrong if that's not what you want) and now I am in a monogamous relationship and very happy.

 

I know you love him but you have a different view of relationships. From what you say it seems that you see being monogamous as giving up your freedom, so probably even if you were monogamous with him you would not be happy.

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