I've Made A Mess!

A few weeks ago I went on the best date I have ever experienced. He brought me flowers and we walked on the beach. We had a blast! He kept saying it was the best date he has had. He brought me home, we made out, but did not have sex. Before he left he asked when he could see me again and I said how about tomorrow? When he got home he was texting how much fun he had, that he missed me already and couldn't wait to see me again.

The next morning he text and asked if I was ready for our next adventure. He picked me up and we went to eat, rode adounda bit ended up at his place.....well, you know what happened. We spent the entire day together. After dropping me off at home he was texting that he had a great time and couldn't wait to see me again.

I ended up going to his place a few more times during the week. One day was my birthday.

All the while he always text me first thing in the morning and I thought things were going well. After getting home from the last day I spent with him, I text him to talk about where I stood. We never had the "what are you looking for" talk. He said he liked me a lot but it was hard for him to get close because he was still hurt from his divorce. But he stresses twice that we would get there...meaning a relationship, as long as I didn't make him feel rushed. This was on a Thursday. Every morning he was still texting me first, and all weekend I tried to hint that i wanted to see him, but he was busy with friends, which was cool. On Saturday I finally just said I want to see you, he said he wanted to see me, too, and I asked when. He said if not tonight then definitely tomorrow. Well, Sunday came and he said he would try to stop by. I didn't hear back from him for the rest of the say.

By Monday night, I still hadn't heard from him and I lost control. I text a long winded message letting him know I didn't appreciate being blown off, that I sat all day waiting to hear from him. No reply. I tried to keep my cool but ended up sending a few more texts, probably a bit too needy, then finally, on Tuesday, a text apologizing for blowing up without knowing what had actually happened. That evening he text saying he was dealing with stuff and his dad had a bad cancer screen and to please let him sort things out a bit. He also stressed that I didn't do anything wrong. I thanked him for the reply and wished his dad well.

The next night I text asking how he was doing. He replied, vaguely, then disappeared and didn't read my messages (on Facebook). I said, well I just wanted to see how you was doing and let you know I was thinking about you. He never read it. I just let it go. Yesterday (Saturday) I messaged saying I missed talking to him. He was active but didn't respond. A little later I messaged telling him I needed him to let me know if he was still interested. He didn't read it. Then I noticed he replied to a post on his wall after I sent my messages, so I lost it again and sent a message basically saying I didn't deserve being ignored and wouldn't tolerate it. I wasn't rude, but let it known I was fed up. Then I unfriended him.

Now I feel like a total jerk and wish I could undo it all. I'm seriously into this guy and feel I blew it. I couldn't be patient for him but something tells me he's not being honest with me. I'm just not sure if its my intuition or me being paranoid.

Is this salvageable? What should I do? Do you think he's not interested?

First of all, breathe! It's going to be alright! I know you really like this guy right now but if it doesn't work out it's probably not going to be your fault.

If I've learned anything in my life from relationships, is that if two people want each other, they stay together.

That said, stop texting! You are right for feeling neglected but you won't get anything out of texting him again. He knows how you feel, repeating it will not get you anything.

He seems to have valid reasons to not be engaging with you. Your over texting might have thrown him a bit off BUT if he really really likes you, it is salvageable if you don't text again. I know it's hard, but see it as an opportunity to practice your patience.

To add : we can't know for sure what his intentions are. You made yours clear. If he's a decent human being, he will reach out at some point to either continue seeing you or tell you he's not interested.

If he's not decent and he doesn't do either, you doged a bullet!

Cope, thank you so much. I told him in my last message that I wouldn't bother him any longer and I will not text him again.

I do wish I hadnt of unfriended him on Facebook. If I don't hear from him by next weekend, would it seem desperate if I send him a request? Is it best I do nothing since I left the "ball in his court"?

I wouldn't do anything. No request, no nothing. You made yourself crystal clear, the ball indeed is in his court. Work on your insecurities and don't expect him to reply. Not that he won't, but it's important for you to not focus on him. If you two are a match he will come, if not, good riddance.

You did go a bit overboard, that's why I'm suggesting to work on your insecurities, that's usually where these reactions have their roots in. Work on yourself and try not to think of him. A nice way is to start chatting on OLD profiles, unless you consider it cheating I don't know how you've defined the relationship. Also, whenever you have the urge to text, post here there are many kind people who will help you not to!

I don't view it as cheating at this point, but I have no interest in meeting anyone else, at this point.

Maybe I'll feel better in a few days. 😢

I feel for you. His reasons could be any, the fact he made sure to text you first thing every morning with lovely texts is making me feel just like me you rushed to hard into wit things. Like Cope said, if you made that good impression and it was the best first date, just maybe he'll come back like most of us men do. But him ignoring your messages on fb isn't right. That's a *fck boy thing to do. I also recommend of viewing what you post on fb as I left myself vunerable and finally feel so much better off social media. You seem a genuine lovely woman. Some man will relish your attention and see you for who you are. You deserve better,

I don't view it as cheating at this point, but I have no interest in meeting anyone else, at this point.

 

Maybe I'll feel better in a few days. 😢

I'm sure you don't feel like meeting anyone, I never said to meet anyone, just chat, it helps!

Another thing I'm sure of is that you will feel better soon! First of all don't consider it over, it might not be. Think of it like an obstacle with this one guy you're dating and you are just curious to see if he returns.

Meanwhile it's extremely important to focus on you! Why do you think you overreacted? Was it him? Was it you? Both? Was the relationship already going downhill before this?

Do things you love! Try to remember that fulfillment comes from within, not from others. Search for "the missing piece meets the big O" by Shel Silverstein on YouTube.

Keep us posted!

I feel for you. His reasons could be any, the fact he made sure to text you first thing every morning with lovely texts is making me feel just like me you rushed to hard into wit things. Like Cope said, if you made that good impression and it was the best first date, just maybe he'll come back like most of us men do. But him ignoring your messages on fb isn't right. That's a *fck boy thing to do. I also recommend of viewing what you post on fb as I left myself vunerable and finally feel so much better off social media. You seem a genuine lovely woman. Some man will relish your attention and see you for who you are. You deserve better,

Thank you so much!

 

Meanwhile it's extremely important to focus on you! Why do you think you overreacted? Was it him? Was it you? Both? Was the relationship already going downhill before this?

I believe I overreacted because I was so caught off guard. After our chat about where I stood, I let my guard down and felt I was safe to feel what I was feeling. Then, BAM! He blew me off and ignored me. My anxiety got the best of me, and I let it control my actions.

Don't be so hard on yourself! Remember everything happens for a reason. Love yourself first, number 1

I text him to talk about where I stood. We never had the "what are you looking for" talk.

May I ask why you texted him such a serious question after you two spent the day together? And after you already slept with him?

He said he liked me a lot but it was hard for him to get close because he was still hurt from his divorce. But he stresses twice that we would get there...meaning a relationship, as long as I didn't make him feel rushed.

I'm going to play devils advocate here, it's not meant to be mean. May I ask why, after he told you he wanted to take things slow and would get there if you didn't rush him, did you go and do exactly what he asked you not to do?

That evening he text saying he was dealing with stuff and his dad had a bad cancer screen and to please let him sort things out a bit. He also stressed that I didn't do anything wrong. I thanked him for the reply and wished his dad well.

 

The next night I text asking how he was doing. He replied, vaguely, then disappeared and didn't read my messages (on Facebook). I said, well I just wanted to see how you was doing and let you know I was thinking about you. He never read it. I just let it go.

He was going through a rough time with a family problem and you continue with the pressure. Hindsight is 20/20 but please notice what you did here.

 

Yesterday (Saturday) I messaged saying I missed talking to him. He was active but didn't respond. I wasn't rude, but let it known I was fed up. Then I unfriended him.

 

You told him you were fed up after he told you he was having family issues he needed time to handle AND after he told you he would like to take his time getting serious with you?

Again, hindsight is 20/20 but please notice what you did here.

Spend some time on this forum, you will see often times a woman can't handle uncommitted sex. Sex connects us. A lot of women seem to have a hard time keeping it casual after sex is introduced and their anxiety goes through the roof. You seem to be one of those types of women. Nothing at all wrong with that, it's just probably a good idea in the future for you to hold off on engaging in intercourse until you have the talk and the talk should happen in person, if you can be naked with a man, you can look him in the eye and ask where things stand.

I can't say whether or not it's too late. I won't lie, it doesn't look good. You literally did exactly what he asked you not to do. Your best bet will probably be time and space. Give him a chance to miss you and forget the not so flattering things you did.

Don't be so hard on yourself! Remember everything happens for a reason. Love yourself first, number 1

Thank you. I keep telling myself that people who want to be in my life will be in my life. I just have to let go of the hope that he'll come back around. It's driving me bonkers!

figureitout, yes, I know where I messed up, and that's why I feel like a jerk. I appreciate your insight.

When I texted him about where I stood, I was feeling vulnerable. I am one of those women. Yes, I should have waited until we were together again.

I wasn't trying to rush him or pressure him, but I know I did just that. It's eating away at me. I want to text him and explain it to him, but I won't. I know it will do me no good at this point.

I feel I suck at dating.

You women drive us crazy too. Crazy little thing called love. Take all the professional advice but basically you know went to deep to soon. I always do this, hence accepted what your subject you posted says "I made a mess" well all do darling. Who's the new delivery guy? Steve at work? Haha, don't date a Steve

You women drive us crazy too. Crazy little thing called love. Take all the professional advice but basically you know went to deep to soon. I always do this, hence accepted what your subject you posted says "I made a mess" well all do darling. Who's the new delivery guy? Steve at work? Haha, don't date a Steve

 

I think I'll get a few cats, instead.

^

They're the best company. I have one on my lap right now.

Take care, and I hope you find your way.

The next morning he text and asked if I was ready for our next adventure. He picked me up and we went to eat, rode adounda bit ended up at his place.....well, you know what happened. We spent the entire day together. After dropping me off at home he was texting that he had a great time and couldn't wait to see me again. I ended up going to his place a few more times during the week. One day was my birthday.

 

 

Now I feel like a total jerk and wish I could undo it all. I'm seriously into this guy and feel I blew it. I couldn't be patient for him but something tells me he's not being honest with me. I'm just not sure if its my intuition or me being paranoid.

Op, which part do you wish to do over again? Sleeping with him from the start without knowing what his mental state was (we know what his physical state was)?

We never had the "what are you looking for" talk. He said he liked me a lot but it was hard for him to get close because he was still hurt from his divorce. But he stresses twice that we would get there...meaning a relationship, as long as I didn't make him feel rushed.

It looks like you "placed the cart before the horse". This guy was just looking to have some fun, being single again. Also, you did make your intentions clear, by sleeping with him from the start. From your update, I do not know what you're looking for in dating?

I have been where you are and it is not fun at all. I have been the panicky overtexter and then regretted it. I thought all hope was lost but they did eventually come back after time. It all depends, though, on them. I beat myself up over it as well but I have tried to learn from it and not let my insecurities and anxiety take over but it's tough. I still get panicky when I feel I am being ignored. I must have deep-rooted abandonment issues, but I try not to let it take over my life.

I am not one who can have casual sex because I definitely get attached. I know it seems so natural when you really like the person and have a good rapport.

Anyway, just mainly wanted to say you are not alone in how you feel. Been there, done that and I survived.

It's done.

It was a combination of him not being ready for anything serious and you over reacting and pushing him. That guy is long gone now.

He probably shouldn't have been dating quite yet as he doesn't sound like he was ready but maybe if you ever date again you might want to ease up just a little bit on wanting to place titles on things or know where things are going. It was only the first few weeks, right?

And I agree with the other posters, next time you date, make sure you have the talk right from the start on what you want and what you are looking for. Don't engage in sex with anyone until you know they are serious and that it's headed in a good place and not just a fling.

Any guy off a dating site can tell you he's serious and he wants only one woman..yadda, yadda, but take your time. Date, get to know him and stay out of the bedroom until you can tell for sure that he's a good guy who won't dash after sex.

This is going no where fast....sorry to say that. You came in too strong to early for this guy it seems. My guess is he watched all your moves you did. Next time keep it cool. If it happens great, if it doesn't be happy for the experience. But play it like you don't care one way or the other.

Thank you all for your kind words. For those wondering, this is what I said on my last message to him. (I don't know if he ever read it because I deleted the conversation thread so I would stop obsessing over it)

"Ok, I get it. You could have just been honest with me and I would have understood. I don't deserve being ignored, no matter what you're dealing with. Last Thursday when I asked you where I stood, that was your chance to let me know you wasn't interested, not to keep leading me on. I'm sorry about your dad and hope for the best, but I won'to put up with being ignored When I know I've done nothing except try to be there for you. You shouldn't treat people this way. I thought you was better than that. I won't bother you any longer."

This is how the "where do I stand" conversation came about.

While I was with him, we were watching Captain America and I asked him if he had a super power, what would it be. During the discussion, I said I wouldn't want to be able to read people's minds. After I got home, I text him and said I kind of lied, that I would like to be able to read his mind. He said his mind is an enigma, a puzzle. I said I like solving puzzles. That's when he said he was still broken from his divorce. He said he was over his ex, but not the hurt she caused. I told him I understood and wasn't looking to rush into anything, that I didn't want to rush, and felt it was better if people get to know each other and let things progress naturally. He said that's exactly how he feels about it.

Then I said that I liked him a lot and was just wondering if he and I were on the same page. I acknowledged that I knew he was comfortable being alone (he had mentioned that) and that we didn't have the "What are you looking for" talk beforehand. And I said I'm not sure where I stood. He responded, "I like you a lot. We will get there. I've got to start reducing the amount of people I try to please and hang out with. I've got so many friends but only one me and I try to stretch myself but I"m starting to see that a lot of those friends aren't real friends. Slowly I'm finding out who they are. I got to learn to say no. I replied, "Ok good. And yea, stretching yourself like that isn't healthy. It'll just wear you down, babe. And fake friends, I got those. That's why I keep most people at a arm's length". Then he said, "We will get there. Just don't try to rush things, because that's when I withdraw". And I said I'm not trying to rush you, we are on the same page.

Sorry, Mizz, but I think you need to consider this one a loss and prepare to move on.

It was simply a case of too much too soon. Too many dates, too much physical intimacy made you panic and want to define the relationship way too early. He, in turn, panicked and withdrew, just as he told you he would.

Most of us have been there.

Why don't you make a list of what you will do differently the next time you hit it off with someone right off the bat? Maybe it will make you feel productive and give you a sense of closure.

Dating is hard. We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on.